The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[raeoflyte]

I don't think I care if C dates a moron.  Just please for the love of any god listening, don't sleep with a moron and tempt said gods with getting anyone knocked up.  

[chen35]

DH has been fine with the boys dating, but I think he'll struggle with DD. When I ask him why he can't really quantify it other than 'she's my little girl'. Kind of drives me bonkers, but we'll deal with it when it comes. Right now she has a boy she kind of likes who likes her. They do group things together and DH hasn't gotten weird about that, so I guess that's good.

[chen35]

As for my parents, they generally met the guy for a few minutes when he picked me up, but not always. I was a pretty easy kid though, as far as getting into trouble goes, so they trusted my judgement. I was a little punk in other ways to make up for it. I also didn't date a ton, so it wasn't something they had to worry about frequently.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I only had three boyfriends.   One of which I married.  I have no idea how to navigate things should Gwen or Abby actually date around.

[Pants]

Jul 13, 2018 13:04:57 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Aly wrote her name on the baseboards when we had first moved into our house. She tried to blame it on her little friend, lol! I asked why it was signed with her name then (and in her writing - we knew it was her).

Got to have lunch with my sister which was really good. She & her DH have been through a LOT so she was pretty helpful with stuff. You guys are good too But it was nice to get it out IRL with someone that knows us both.

What did your sister say you should do?

[CCL]

Jul 13, 2018 14:13:24 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Jul 13, 2018 14:06:03 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

What will you do you do when they turn 18?  Or does that continue while they live with you?  (Doesn't your dh have a son from a previous marriage?  Can I ask...Did he have the same rules?)  

For DD#1, the rules still applied until we sent her off to college. 
For DD#2, she will graduate at age 17 and go to college at age 17. I fully admit there's not much we can do once she's living at college. 
For DSS#1, once he wanted to individually (instead of group) date a girl, if we didn't know her we had to meet her. He graduated and turned 18 all in the same week, and that stopped. However, he only started dating one girl we didn't know. If the kids are interested in someone even remotely within the area, we know who it is or we can find out pretty quickly--like 15 minutes pretty quickly. DS, at age 19, fell hard for a 29 yo with a kid. We pushed gently to talk him out of that, but his best friend actually smacked him upside the head to end that one. 
For DSS#2, the same rules applied, but he seriously was terrified of girls until he was about age 24. Didn't lose his virginity until then. He's 27yo now, and about 15 months into his first serious relationship, and he's proposed already. I bought the engagement ring. 

Why would you buy his engagement ring? Shouldn't he buy that himself?

[Sam_2.0]

Jul 13, 2018 15:19:47 GMT -5 Pants said:

Jul 13, 2018 13:04:57 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Aly wrote her name on the baseboards when we had first moved into our house. She tried to blame it on her little friend, lol! I asked why it was signed with her name then (and in her writing - we knew it was her).

Got to have lunch with my sister which was really good. She & her DH have been through a LOT so she was pretty helpful with stuff. You guys are good too But it was nice to get it out IRL with someone that knows us both.

What did your sister say you should do?

She's a smart kid. She pretty much said all the same things you guys did She was alarmed at how crazy he went over the Aly & Insta thing. Her DH has cheated before and they stayed together, but she's said a few times that she realizes she shouldn't have at the time (although they are in a good place now and he's got his shit together now).

[andi9899]

Jul 13, 2018 15:29:49 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Jul 13, 2018 15:19:47 GMT -5 Pants said:

What did your sister say you should do?

She's a smart kid. She pretty much said all the same things you guys did She was alarmed at how crazy he went over the Aly & Insta thing. Her DH has cheated before and they stayed together, but she's said a few times that she realizes she shouldn't have at the time (although they are in a good place now and he's got his shit together now).

See. Why pay a therapist when you have us? 😁

[bean29]

Jul 13, 2018 14:13:24 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Jul 13, 2018 14:06:03 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

What will you do you do when they turn 18?  Or does that continue while they live with you?  (Doesn't your dh have a son from a previous marriage?  Can I ask...Did he have the same rules?)  

For DD#1, the rules still applied until we sent her off to college. 
For DD#2, she will graduate at age 17 and go to college at age 17. I fully admit there's not much we can do once she's living at college. 
For DSS#1, once he wanted to individually (instead of group) date a girl, if we didn't know her we had to meet her. He graduated and turned 18 all in the same week, and that stopped. However, he only started dating one girl we didn't know. If the kids are interested in someone even remotely within the area, we know who it is or we can find out pretty quickly--like 15 minutes pretty quickly. DS, at age 19, fell hard for a 29 yo with a kid. We pushed gently to talk him out of that, but his best friend actually smacked him upside the head to end that one. 
For DSS#2, the same rules applied, but he seriously was terrified of girls until he was about age 24. Didn't lose his virginity until then. He's 27yo now, and about 15 months into his first serious relationship, and he's proposed already. I bought the engagement ring. 

My kids would not speak to me if I acted like that.  Seriously I think you guys are over the top. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jul 13, 2018 15:28:33 GMT -5 CCL said:

Jul 13, 2018 14:13:24 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

For DD#1, the rules still applied until we sent her off to college. 
For DD#2, she will graduate at age 17 and go to college at age 17. I fully admit there's not much we can do once she's living at college. 
For DSS#1, once he wanted to individually (instead of group) date a girl, if we didn't know her we had to meet her. He graduated and turned 18 all in the same week, and that stopped. However, he only started dating one girl we didn't know. If the kids are interested in someone even remotely within the area, we know who it is or we can find out pretty quickly--like 15 minutes pretty quickly. DS, at age 19, fell hard for a 29 yo with a kid. We pushed gently to talk him out of that, but his best friend actually smacked him upside the head to end that one. 
For DSS#2, the same rules applied, but he seriously was terrified of girls until he was about age 24. Didn't lose his virginity until then. He's 27yo now, and about 15 months into his first serious relationship, and he's proposed already. I bought the engagement ring. 

Why would you buy his engagement ring? Shouldn't he buy that himself?

Yes, you'd think so. He's only been managing money in any sense for the past 18 or so months, so he doesn't have anything saved. He was afraid she'd get away. We hadn't given him any money or paid for anything in four years. 

[andi9899]

@lost-2-water, if you feel like sticking him with the kids and going to the bar, I'll be at one downtown soon.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jul 13, 2018 15:59:09 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Jul 13, 2018 14:13:24 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

For DD#1, the rules still applied until we sent her off to college. 
For DD#2, she will graduate at age 17 and go to college at age 17. I fully admit there's not much we can do once she's living at college. 
For DSS#1, once he wanted to individually (instead of group) date a girl, if we didn't know her we had to meet her. He graduated and turned 18 all in the same week, and that stopped. However, he only started dating one girl we didn't know. If the kids are interested in someone even remotely within the area, we know who it is or we can find out pretty quickly--like 15 minutes pretty quickly. DS, at age 19, fell hard for a 29 yo with a kid. We pushed gently to talk him out of that, but his best friend actually smacked him upside the head to end that one. 
For DSS#2, the same rules applied, but he seriously was terrified of girls until he was about age 24. Didn't lose his virginity until then. He's 27yo now, and about 15 months into his first serious relationship, and he's proposed already. I bought the engagement ring. 

My kids would not speak to me if I acted like that.  Seriously I think you guys are over the top. 

And I'm not saying I'm not over the top. 
Just for discussion--truly--no offense taken and none intended. 
Do/did you really not ask who your kids were hanging out with or dating when they were teenagers?
Once they've turned 18 and graduated from high school, it is what is. I can't control it. I just know that I ended up pregnant at 17 because my parents thought I was the perfect child and I rebelled pretty hard against that my last year and a half of high school. DH spent way too much time drinking from ages 16 - 22. 

We aren't berrating our kids; we just are clear that we need to know who they're with and where they are. The potential relationship we stopped when DD was 16 was a pothead who'd been caught vandalising and stealing multiple times. 

[cktc]

Jul 13, 2018 15:59:09 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Jul 13, 2018 14:13:24 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

For DD#1, the rules still applied until we sent her off to college. 
For DD#2, she will graduate at age 17 and go to college at age 17. I fully admit there's not much we can do once she's living at college. 
For DSS#1, once he wanted to individually (instead of group) date a girl, if we didn't know her we had to meet her. He graduated and turned 18 all in the same week, and that stopped. However, he only started dating one girl we didn't know. If the kids are interested in someone even remotely within the area, we know who it is or we can find out pretty quickly--like 15 minutes pretty quickly. DS, at age 19, fell hard for a 29 yo with a kid. We pushed gently to talk him out of that, but his best friend actually smacked him upside the head to end that one. 
For DSS#2, the same rules applied, but he seriously was terrified of girls until he was about age 24. Didn't lose his virginity until then. He's 27yo now, and about 15 months into his first serious relationship, and he's proposed already. I bought the engagement ring. 

My kids would not speak to me if I acted like that.  Seriously I think you guys are over the top. 

Your kids wouldn't speak to you if you expected to meet their dates? I could see them taking issue if you changed up rules halfway through high school, but dating or hanging out with friends outside of school is a privilege. If you are consistent with rules from a young age I don't see why they wouldn't respect them. Or at the very least pretend to follow them.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jul 13, 2018 15:18:47 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I only had three boyfriends.   One of which I married.  I have no idea how to navigate things should Gwen or Abby actually date around.

I married my second serious boyfriend. Of course, I'd had a kid with him at that point, and my mother threw a fit about us not being married until I gave in. 


I'm not saying  I know better than anyone about how to handle this. I just know that I cannot pretend that my kids are not going to make stupid mistakes and that being kind and open with them gives us more opportunity to talk about boundaries and what's happening before it becomes a life-altering mistake. 

[Deleted]

First weekend without kids (or any other people in my house) since mid-May!  I'd be more excited if it wasn't for I'm probably going to be stressing about Carrot and the weather all weekend.  It's his first scouting campout and it's supposed to be storms (which he's afraid of) and high humidity all weekend.  I really want him to have an awesome time on his first official campout.  Also I'm kind of afraid his Dad will just bail and bring him home early because of said weather and I don't want him to start out like that either. 

[Deleted]

I married both my boyfriends.  I am not allowed to date anymore.

[Sam_2.0]

Jul 13, 2018 16:05:15 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

@lost-2-water, if you feel like sticking him with the kids and going to the bar, I'll be at one downtown soon.

I am doing a mat class tonight from 6-8. Come out this way! I won't even make you work

[bean29]

Jul 13, 2018 16:06:34 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Jul 13, 2018 15:59:09 GMT -5 bean29 said:

My kids would not speak to me if I acted like that.  Seriously I think you guys are over the top. 

And I'm not saying I'm not over the top. 
Just for discussion--truly--no offense taken and none intended. 
Do/did you really not ask who your kids were hanging out with or dating when they were teenagers?
Once they've turned 18 and graduated from high school, it is what is. I can't control it. I just know that I ended up pregnant at 17 because my parents thought I was the perfect child and I rebelled pretty hard against that my last year and a half of high school. DH spent way too much time drinking from ages 16 - 22. 

We aren't berrating our kids; we just are clear that we need to know who they're with and where they are. The potential relationship we stopped when DD was 16 was a pothead who'd been caught vandalising and stealing multiple times. 

DS, I pretty much knew all his friends. We hated the girlfriend he had his last year of HS and his first year of College. We had very little influence over that.

I tried with DD. My kids think I was an over the top helicopter Mom, but you put me to shame. I tried to use GPS etc. The kids realistically were a step or two ahead of me.

Sure I have been known to check if they really are where they say. I just think dinner with the parents is a little over the top.

I figure in another 5-10 years I will start hearing stories about all the mischief they got into.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jul 13, 2018 16:13:35 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I married both my boyfriends.  I am not allowed to date anymore.

No, no you're not. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jul 13, 2018 16:15:13 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Jul 13, 2018 16:06:34 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

And I'm not saying I'm not over the top. 
Just for discussion--truly--no offense taken and none intended. 
Do/did you really not ask who your kids were hanging out with or dating when they were teenagers?
Once they've turned 18 and graduated from high school, it is what is. I can't control it. I just know that I ended up pregnant at 17 because my parents thought I was the perfect child and I rebelled pretty hard against that my last year and a half of high school. DH spent way too much time drinking from ages 16 - 22. 

We aren't berrating our kids; we just are clear that we need to know who they're with and where they are. The potential relationship we stopped when DD was 16 was a pothead who'd been caught vandalising and stealing multiple times. 

DS, I pretty much knew all his friends. We hated the girlfriend he had his last year of HS and his first year of College. We had very little influence over that.

I tried with DD. My kids think I was an over the top helicopter Mom, but you put me to shame. I tried to use GPS etc. The kids realistically were a step or two ahead of me.

Sure I have been known to check if they really are where they say. I just think dinner with the parents is a little over the top.

I figure in another 5-10 years I will start hearing stories about all the mischief they got into.

I may have mis-spoke/not written something well. 
We have dinner with the kid our kid wants to date. Our kid is there too. 
We meet the parent(s) before our kid goes to his/her house as I want to make eye contact with the other parent and explain that my kid is not allowed in a room by him/herself with the other kid. 

[Sam_2.0]

I think we get this pendulum effect across the generations. My mom grew up in a crazy house with zero rules and everyone got in trouble. So with us, she went totally the other way and locked us down. There was still some trouble but nothing in comparison. Now, with our kids we are more lax than mom but still not like grandparents were.

[debthaven]

I only had three boyfriends. One of which I married.

Same here, except that when I married the third, I moved to France, and then he left me for an older model when we had 3 kids under 6 (including a one-month-old).

A year later my close former friend/colleague turned into a Friend with Benefits. That would be DH. Married 13 years, together for 25 LOL.

Sam_2.0 to say I was devastated would be a HUGE understatement. Alone in a foreign country with 3 kids under 6 ... it was hell at first. But you bring home the bacon, you deal with the house, the kids, the chores ... I am not encouraging you to leave your DH (although I wish you would) because you need to make your own way.

This said, I am TOTALLY AND UTTERLY CONVINCED that your life would be MUCH easier. And who knows, maybe he'll even wake up one day? (I wouldn't hold my breath though). Believe me, I know how hard it is to mourn the loss of a family. But you wouldn't want Aly to put up with what you do, would you? And you certainly wouldn't want your boys to model their dad's behavior.

My ex told me he was leaving me to show our kids "what real love is" (sounds like midjd 's friend's dickhead husband). My Big Boys used to laugh like demons when they remembered that. (I never told them that, my ex did.) For many years now we have heard from the older kids how miserable my ex and his wife are together.

That one-month-old will be 26 next month.

Karma baby. And being happy is the best revenge.

[raeoflyte]

Took the kids to the water park yesterday.  Dh and C went to the bathroom.  C comes back and says he couldn't find dad.  I told him we have to go back because dad is going to freak out.  But E doesn't want to get out of the pool and it takes us a few minutes** to get back to the bathrooms.  Dh is...shockingly...freaking out.  He lectures/yells at C that he should have known that dh was in the bathroom and he should have waited.  I interject that C couldn't find him, and he did exactly what he was supposed to do, which was come get me, and that we came back for dh, but E was the one being difficult which is why it took longer than ideally it would have.  Dh keeps lecturing C and starts in on E and puts her in time out.  We get back to our towels to eat lunch with both kids crying and dh just doesn't understand why.  

E hides when she's upset, so she wraps herself in 2 towels and dh says she can only have her towel and starts taking the 2nd one away which I put a stop to, and gave it back saying she could have mine.  It helps her calm down which is our end goal here, but that set dh off and he said that I never back him up.  Which is right.  I no longer back up asshatery.  He kept saying he wasn't mad.  If you're really not mad, but your reaction has reduced both children to uncontrollable crying I think you need to take a serious step back and reevaluate yourself and the situation and I told him as much.  He gave his standard response, that he knows he yells too much, they talk about it every day.  He can't change what happened, all he can do is apologize and move forward which I called out as crap.  He has to find another solution.  

What I failed to articulate is that while he knows he has a problem overall, he fails to accept others input in the moment.  Everyone has to accept that he is working on it and forgive everything else.  He is so much like his dad in this, but I can't say that or he'll shut down, but that is where he's heading.  Except I will not be like my MIL and choose my husband over my kids.  But I'm trying to find a way to get through to him that that's the path he's on.    

**We're talking 2-3 minutes max here, not 5-10.  So while yes, she needed to listen and get out faster, she didn't need to be yelled at to the point of tears.  

[cktc]

Jul 13, 2018 16:13:35 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I married both my boyfriends.  I am not allowed to date anymore.

Me too! I'm currently married to the second. If this one turns sour I'm playing the field until 90.

[zibazinski]

Jul 13, 2018 10:29:44 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

Jul 13, 2018 10:24:20 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

DD colored on our stucco but she was very little. I guess I was just luckier when they were young. Of course I’m sure they leave things out they don’t want me to know about now. DD won’t have a wedding because of her father and his cronies making it all about them and putting on a drunken shit show. I wish that jerk would finally die and leave us all in peace.

she doesn't have to invite anyone. would he be paying for any part of the occasion (and as a result thinks he has the right to an opinion that's accommodated)? 

She won’t have a party of any sort and leave him out. She just can’t do that. Not yet anyway. Her fiancée hates his guts but will be polite if necessary.

[Pants]

I had probably 6 or 7 boyfriends, but I dated a lot more guys that never went anywhere.

[andi9899]

Jul 13, 2018 16:15:00 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Jul 13, 2018 16:05:15 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

@lost-2-water, if you feel like sticking him with the kids and going to the bar, I'll be at one downtown soon.

I am doing a mat class tonight from 6-8. Come out this way! I won't even make you work

I totally would, but I plan on getting pretty lit this evening. Maybe another night. Rain check.

[chiver78]

bless his patience, I guess. mine is waning for bullshit, at an increasing rate.

Jul 13, 2018 17:40:15 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Jul 13, 2018 10:29:44 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

she doesn't have to invite anyone. would he be paying for any part of the occasion (and as a result thinks he has the right to an opinion that's accommodated)? 

She won’t have a party of any sort and leave him out. She just can’t do that. Not yet anyway. Her fiancée hates his guts but will be polite if necessary.

[NastyWoman]

Jul 13, 2018 12:42:15 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I defaced the back of my bedroom door by drawing all over it.  I didn't do it because I was acting out or a deliuqiuent.  It just at the time seemed like a good place to draw.   It's all still there 30 years later.

Is this in the house you bought last year, or did that one used to be your GM's ( just curious if you get to enjoy your handiwork daily now   

[empress of self-improvement]

Jul 13, 2018 9:43:15 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Jul 13, 2018 9:28:12 GMT -5 swamp said:

Figure out what?   That it's not OK to treat your wife like shit?

I hope he pulls his head out of his ass soon. 

At one point, DH and I weren't getting along very well.   We were painting the eaves together, and he said some things that were kind of nasty.   I told him calmly, you know, I'm smart.  I bring in good money.  I gave you cute kids.  I do a ton of work around here.  I'm useful.  I'm not crazy.  I can be fun and funny.  If you don't start appreciating me, someone else will.  

I thought he was going to yell, tell me to go, whatever.  He got quiet, said I was right, and there was an attitude adjustment from there.  It's still not perfect, and sometimes he needs a reminder, but that seemed to work.  

I admit it, I'm running away from dh this weekend. I'm leaving for door county around noon, with the kids. My parents are there. I plan on spending most of Saturday by the pool, with the kids.

Eta and dh isn't doing anything in particular. He's actually done more lately. I just don't want to be home this weekend. So I arranged things.

I'm doing the same thing next month. I'm taking a couple days and going up north. If I don't I may club DH to death. I'll pay his niece, the CNA, to keep an eye on him.