Thinking about Moving into MIL's Basement

[Deleted]

mmhmm,

You do have the most amazing attitude.

BTW Did anyone else notice that Phil was the only male who posted on the thread?

[resolution]

My MIL recently went through hiring another in home aide for her mother, DH's grandmother. She has the beginning stages of Alzheimer's but since she has the financial resources they are doing everything they can to keep her in her home. The land outside is leased to a farmer to farm.

They started with two ladies, one was during the day and the other overnight. Weekends would be covered by family members staying with her. However there were some disputes between the two over duties like cooking and light house cleaning being left over to the next person's shift. Also it was creating some confusion for grandmother because she would get them mixed up or look for one and the other one was there.

Last summer they switched to having a lady actually live there in the house and be her only caretaker. It is working much better. She doesn't have access to any of the bank accounts, what she does is keep a tally of what is being spent each week and then at the end of the week the family reimburses her expenses. For example they go to town once a week and both get their hair done together, so she keeps track of the gas, salon bill, lunch and groceries and then gets reimbursed along with her weekly pay. The caregiver proposed the system because she didn't want to be accused of spending too much of grandma's money or stealing from the accounts.

[Gardening Grandma]

For example they go to town once a week and both get their hair done together, so she keeps track of the gas, salon bill, lunch and groceries and then gets reimbursed along with her weekly pay. The caregiver proposed the system because she didn't want to be accused of spending too much of grandma's money or stealing from the accounts.

I hope she keeps receipts because she could still be accused.... Often agencies will ask family members to buy gift cards for the client's favorite grocery store so the caregiver can do the shopping without money changing hands. And the family stays in control of the finances.

When using a private caregiver, you really need to check their references and background (agencies do that for you). If they steal from a vulnurable aging client, there is little recourse other than the legal system. If you choose a licensed, bonded agency, you will pay more, but I think you have more protection from abuse.

[muttleynfelix]

bonnap - I think the biggest reason for my Grandma loving the assisted living is the companionship. Out on the farm, she saw people twice a week. It was so hard on her. The ferrel cats in the barn did not equal companionship. LOL. Her mental health has improved so dramatically being around other people. I do think if you go inhome care than an agency is the way to go to find someone. Be thankful that she has the financial means for really any option she wants. My Great Uncle should be in at least assisted living or a nursing home, but they can't afford it. So, my Great Aunt is stressed all the time and often has to call the ambulance because he falls. My parents and Grandma (not the one in assisted living) live 2 hrs away and my mom is over there 3 times a month taking my aunt to the grocery store and making sure everything is ok. My parents recently bought a duplex in their town so when my Uncle does pass away, my Aunt can live in the same town as her sister (my Grandma) and my parents don't have to do as much running. The duplex is about 2 blocks from my Grandma's house. My Grandma is a little more difficult. She requires my mom to be over everyday. My Uncle lives out of state and felt bad that my mom was doing all the cleaning. So for Christmas he and his wife decided they would pay for a cleaning service to come clean once a week ... my Grandma fired the cleaning service after less than a month.

[Deleted]

Yeah, I think one of the issues is that my MIL is lonely and a little depressed. I just wrote an e-mail to DH about it. It's her own damn fault. She's proud she's not a joiner and really doesn't understand why I spent so much of my time volunteering when we were living in the States. I find it frustrating because I think she still has something to offer. For example I think she could volunteer 1x a week at an elementary school to help inspire girls to take more science and math courses. She will respond to some nudging. When I was there I insisted that she join me when I walked the three dogs. She's been frightened to do it because they pulled her over a month ago and she landed on the hands she just had surgery on. So I had her take one dog (the girl dog who is a lot gentler) and told her to get her butt in gear. She enjoyed the walk and her demeanor was a lot brighter throughout the day. I told DH what she really needs is a loving drill Sargent .

[Gardening Grandma]

I think the biggest reason for my Grandma loving the assisted living is the companionship.

I noticed a similarity with my late MIL. She was a very social person, but she couldn't get out (didn't drive and walking was difficult and painful).
She got to the point where it was obvious that she could not continue to live alone (mentally acute, but many physical frailties). We moved her into an adult family home. Six live in clients, each had a private room and two live in caregivers. The cost (early 2000's) was about $3200/mo, about half what a NH would have cost.
We dropped in without notice as often as we could. Her room was on the main level and visitors coming and going would pop their head into her room to say "hello". She loved it. When she was offered a larger room upstairs, she declined because she liked being in the middle of activity. I hadn't realized, until then, how isolated she had become living alone in her little house.

[Deleted]

And I do worry about her burning through caregivers. I tried to hire her brother's caregiver for a little extra work. Although she could use the money she politely declined stating she didn't think she could meet my MIL's "standards". That was probably the most diplomatic refusal I had heard, lol. But as I said in earlier posts, MIL is has relaxed her standards from even 18 months ago.

Since we're still a year away from moving back to the States, this time period will be an interesting test to see how she handles regular caregivers and we can measure how fast she's declining.

[bean29]

bonapp,

I would give it a try. Having a self sufficient apartment should make it easier to live in her house. We are setting our basement up so my in-laws can live in the basement if they want. They own a house and a rental property so I figure if they don't like it, they have the resources to do something else. That is where you are at, if you don't feel it is a good situation, you have the resources to make other appropriate arrangements.

I get what you say about your MIL's mouth. My MIL lived in a lower duplex underneath her MIL for several years after she first came to the US. My husband's family later moved to a duplex of their own because the MIL was constantly critical of my MIL. When this woman was old and sick, she wanted no one to care for her but my MIL including the nurses and aides in the hospital and her own daughters. (Had my MIL been born and educated in the US I think she would have made a great nurse).

Anyways, being older and less able to do things independently, may change your MIL's tune or at least tone it down. My Dad can no longer walk, and my Mother has had the house modified to allow her to provide the care for my Dad in their house. She did not like the assisted living facilities she looked at because they were much smaller than her home, and did not have a full kitchen. My parents are also on the young side for the disabilities my Dad has and Mom did not want to live with all people much older than her. My Mom has caretakers come in several days a week...she uses a service - the licensed, bonded comment was right on. The workman's comp insurance on this type of job description has to be one of the most expensive categories they have. Having someone work for "cash" and then sue after they get injured would not be a good situation at all. Also when you use a service, if you don't like a particular care giver you call the service and ask for someone different. My Mom has had several people ask her to hire family members, but the what if I don't like the care provided and the insurance issue are what stopped her from going that direction.

The elder care attorney is a great idea. Until Mom met with the elder care attorney, I don't think the will was written or the living care trusts. They thought they had planned appropriately for what would happen if one of them predeceased the other, but they did not plan appropriately for what if one partner goes on medicare and the other is still healthy. Elder care attorneys are used to dealing with these issues so they gave Mom a package of issues she needed to address. It was a lot for her to deal with (and she has no mental impairments) so my Brother went to a lot of the meetings with her.

I wish you luck.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Your finances are fine, so this is really just a decision of how much care you want to give, and how close you need to be to give it.

[TheOtherMe]

My dad had a friend who moved into a senior living complex after his wife of many years died. He was too lonely. After he threatened suicide and his daughter got him into therapy, she put him in to an assisted living facility. He loved it. My dad said his apartment where he was alone was filled with pictures of his late wife and it was no wonder he got so down.

This guy absolutely needed to be around people and he was very popular and busy at the assisted living facility.

[Deleted]

OK guys after cleaning and painting for 6 days I'm taking a little break and going for a hike and a wander around town. Feel free to keep commenting (like I could stop you, lol). Hopefully this thread can help some others who are in a similar situation. I really, really appreciate the comments and references. I even had DH read the post. We should have lively conversation (my) tomorrow morning. ;D

Thanks again,
Bonnap