Help me with my cat problems

[Ava]

After reading happyhoix thread about her cat problems, and how this community helped her solve it, I decided to post about my cat problems. Hopefully, I'll end up with a happy resolution, too.

As I posted a while back, I lost my cat in 2022. I loved that cat, he made me so so happy and I still miss him to this day.

Back then, I posted flyers about what happened, on the hope that someone would return him to me.
One of my neighbors saw the flyers. Someone had given him an unwanted kitten he was trying to place.

I took that kitten in. It's Michi. He's now a little over 1 1/2 years old.
I take good care of Michi, we play, though not as much as he would like, and I got used to him.
The reality is, I never bonded with him.
Cats have strong personalities, and he's not a good match for me.

Last year I tried fostering. It was a disaster. I knew nothing about fostering, the refuge did not give me any guidance. The room where I put the kittens after Michi attacked them has a door that doesn't fit properly. He kept banging in and terrorizing them. I finally had to return them.

So I always had cats that I loved, and that were my emotional support. That doesn't happen with Michi
I've been trying to adopt a kitten. I've filled out about 6 or 7 applications. Only one responded saying the kitten had already been adopted. Nothing from the others.

I know introducing Michi to another kitten won't be easy. But I really need a companion, and he could use a furry friend. He gets bored and demands more attention that I can give him. For instance, I'm working and he wants to play. I know he gets bored.

So I'm thinking the best course of action is to foster again, with an option to adopt. Refuges are always looking for fosters, and it gives me a chance to get to know the cat before making a full commitment. I have been watching Jackson Galaxy on YouTube and now I understand how to introduce cats, at least in theory.

In order to accomplish that, I'm going to have the door to the spare room fixed. That's step 1.

Then I have a few questions.

1- My mother is coming in June. If I get a kitten in April, will they all be friends by June? Because she uses that bedroom where I'll have to keep the new cat until Michi accepts him or her.

2- Refuges always want to give you kittens in pairs. I don't feel day to day it would make much difference to care for 2 or 3 cats. When I travel, though, I can't afford boarding for 3 cats. Will cats be fine staying home for 4 weeks with someone coming in for an hour to give them food, change litter boxes? Ideally, I would foster to adopt only one cat.

3- The refuge I fostered for last year is desperately looking for foster families. I could reach out to them, explain I'm willing to try again. Ask them to give me docile cats. One of the kittens they gave me last year was extremely docile, and I could handle her. The boy though, was not aggressive but very skittish. When it came time to bring them back to the refuge I could not catch him. He got so scared he started hissing and acting desperate. I had to wait for someone from the refuge to come get him.

Any idea, suggestions, well wishes, welcome. Am I crazy for even attempting this? Should I just continue to do my best by Michi and call it a day?

Thank you

[TheOtherMe]

IMO, it is not okay for cats to be home for 4 weeks with someone coming in for an hour a day.  

[Tennesseer]

Ava-first a question:  is Michi fixed?

Second-an observation from someone (me that has had 12 cats in my home over a the past 20 year period (with all being spayed or neutered)):  all cats have their own unique personalities.  Unfortunatly, we cannot give them a written test to determine what type of personality they have.  It's a crap shoot.

All the cats other than the last (present three) were adopted frorm rescue groups.  None were kittens.   The present three in the home were born in my garage.  Their mother was one of a number of cats which I let live in my garage year round.  I have a heater in the garage used in the winter and they get two meals a day.  The mother was brought in too as her three kttens were all about one hour old when I discovered them and it was winter.  They were only brought in because the other garage cats were freaked out by kittens and they would not come into the garage with then kittens their.  Plus it was the month of February-too cold for them not to be in the garage.  So mother and the three kittens were brought inside and so they remain.    

You might try looking for another cat with an animal rescue group.  They will have kittens and adult cats all looking for a home.  If that is the route you decide on, describe Michi's personality and quirks.  The rescue group(s), if they have a good reputation) will try and work with you to find a match.  I suggest looking for an adult cat needing a home.  

A lap cat is not a necessity for me.  I take them in on their own terms and I go with it.  They are who they are.  

I am fortunate that if I go out of town, my neighbors across the street will stop in twice a day to feed the indoor and outdoor cats (I also have cats who live in heated dog houses in the backyard too.) I do try to get them all spayed or neutered but am not always successful in catching them in live traps. So kittens pop up every now and then. They too become either garage or backyard cats. MY neighbors have even adopted four of five of the kittens born on my property over the past twenty years.

If I have to go out of town, I am usually not gone longer than a week. That is not the case with you. You will have to figure out what is best for your cat(s) during your month-long absence.

[Ava]

Mar 29, 2024 15:16:06 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

IMO, it is not okay for cats to be home for 4 weeks with someone coming in for an hour a day.  

[br

Yes, that's what I thought too

[Ava]

Mar 29, 2024 15:33:30 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Ava-first a question:  is Michi fixed?

Second-an observation from someone (me that has had 12 cats in my home over a the past 20 year period (with all being spayed or neutered)):  all cats have their own unique personalities.  Unfortunatly, we cannot give them a written test to determine what type of personality they have.  It's a crap shoot.

All the cats other than the last (present three) were adopted frorm rescue groups.  None were kittens.   The present three in the home were born in my garage.  Their mother was one of a number of cats which I let live in my garage year round.  I have a heater in the garage used in the winter and they get two meals a day.  The mother was brought in too as her three kttens were all about one hour old when I discovered them and it was winter.  They were only brought in because the other garage cats were freaked out by kittens and they would not come into the garage with then kittens their.  Plus it was the month of February-too cold for them not to be in the garage.  So mother and the three kittens were brought inside and so they remain.    

You might try looking for another cat with an animal rescue group.  They will have kittens and adult cats all looking for a home.  If that is the route you decide on, describe Michi's personality and quirks.  The rescue group(s), if they have a good reputation) will try and work with you to find a match.  I suggest looking for an adult cat needing a home.  

A lap cat is not a necessity for me.  I take them in on their own terms and I go with it.  They are who they are.  

I am fortunate that if I go out of town, my neighbors across the street will stop in twice a day to feed the indoor and outdoor cats (I also have cats who live in heated dog houses in the backyard too.) I do try to get them all spayed or neutered but am not always successful in catching them in live traps. So kittens pop up every now and then. They too become either garage or backyard cats. MY neighbors have even adopted four of five of the kittens born on my property over the past twenty years.

If I have to go out of town, I am usually not gone longer than a week. That is not the case with you. You will have to figure out what is best for your cat(s) during your month-long absence.

Yes, Michi is neutered.

I've tried reaching out to rescue groups. They don't get back at me.
I know they ate mostly volunteers and I'm sure they ate overwhelmed.

A couple more thoughts. Boarding is very expensive. My vet boards at an excellent price as a courtesy to existing patients. If they ever close their doors I'm in trouble.
I mean I would continue to board Michi but 3 cats it's too much, price wise.

And another thing is that Michi has been using the spare bedroom as his "cat cave" for a while now. He naps there and sits in a spot of sun in the afternoon.
I'm sure he'll be angry if he sees another cat taking over that room

[Ava]

It seems difficult and expensive for me to bring another cat to my home.

I'm sorry I cannot feel a bond with Michi.

I mean the little guy is so happy living with me and he adores me. He's just not the type of pet I need.

[Tennesseer]

Mar 29, 2024 15:50:55 GMT -5 Ava said:

It seems difficult and expensive for me to bring another cat to my home.

I'm sorry I cannot feel a bond with Michi.

I mean the little guy is so happy living with me and he adores me. He's just not the type of pet I need.

You might consider postponing getting a friend for Michi until after your mom's visit and your month away from home. If in the end you need to board while you are away, at least it will only be one cat-this year.

[Tennesseer]

Mar 29, 2024 15:50:55 GMT -5 Ava said:

It seems difficult and expensive for me to bring another cat to my home.

I'm sorry I cannot feel a bond with Michi.

I mean the little guy is so happy living with me and he adores me. He's just not the type of pet I need.

Best then not to have any pets. As I said, all cats have their own unique personalities. It is always going to be a crap shoot whether you will bond with them or not. Not fair to the animal.

[Tennesseer]

CORRECTION:  three other cats who lived the vast majority of their lives inside with me were also born outside.  Three sisters.  Only one of the three sisters was friendly with me.  To the other two sisters I was stranger danger.  Summer was ending so I decided to bring the friendly one indoors.  SHe adapted easily with the other three cats in the house.  The other two sisters remained together outdoors.  As it was now getting cold outside, I noticed both sisters looking into my home through the backyard windows.  They were looking at their sister.  So over a very short period of time, I scooped the outisde two sisters indoors.  They too adapted too to now being indoors.  But the two wanted nothing, zero, nada to do with me.  I was okay with that.

The two unfriendly sisters did though fall head over heels with my indoor neutered male cat.  And the male cat slept right next to me at night.  And the two unfriendly sisters wanted to sleep next to him.  That was the only time I could ever pet the two unfriendly sisters.  Once the male cat passed away, I was 24/7/365 stranger danger.  To get the two unfriendly sisters spayed once they were in my home, I had to set live traps baited with food in one of my spare bedrooms to capture them.  I was successful. 

Bottom line-I accepted who the unfriendly sister cats were and I lived with it and was okay with it.  I felt no need to bond with them.  The two unfriendly sisters lived in my home and in peace with their friendly sister, the male cat, and two other female cats I adopted from a cat rescue group.

[happyhoix]

Mar 29, 2024 15:50:55 GMT -5 Ava said:

It seems difficult and expensive for me to bring another cat to my home.

I'm sorry I cannot feel a bond with Michi.

I mean the little guy is so happy living with me and he adores me. He's just not the type of pet I need.

Have you thought about getting an adult cat rather than a kitten to be a companion for Michi? I have a sedate 14 year old Maine Coon, I didn’t want a kitten that might bother her by attempting to play with her. I also wanted a cat that was old enough its personality was evident - I told the rescue I preferred a male cat but wanted one that would not bully the female Maine Coon. I wanted an affectionate cat. According to the shelter, Big Boy lived with several other adult cats, got along well with all of them, wasn’t a bully, and was affectionate. (What I didn’t know was that she kept these cats off by themselves in some kind of barn, and she was the only person who visited them once a day to feed them and change their litter boxes - which was why Big Boy was so extremely shy for the first 3 - 4 months when I got him). 

Now that he has FINALLY gotten comfortable in the house, he is actually as the shelter promised - he doesn’t bother the Maine Coon, and he is very affectionate. WHich is good, because I told the shelter if he turned out to be hostile or mean towards the Maine Coon, I would have to return him to the shelter, because she’s too old to put up with that crap. 

Not only would they know the cat’s personality pretty well, you would be doing the cat a favor - a lot of people only want to adopt kittens, so the adult cats can go a long time without finding a home. 

As to whether or not Michi would get used to the new cat prior to your mom’s visit - hard to tell. I wouldn’t chance it and just wait until she left. Good luck! 

[resolution]

When I introduced my cats, it was quite a few weeks before they were actually allowed to be together. We went through all the steps pretty slowly, keeping them separated by a closed door, giving them items with each other's scents, then playing with each other under supervision through a baby gate, etc.  I don't think there is a way to guarantee that a new cat will be friends with Michi before your mom's visit.

As far as a pet sitter during your vacation, I think some cats do better with a pet sitter dropping in every day than going to a boarder. Cats tend to be more secure in familiar places. I've never left mine for more than two weeks, but the sitter would send me videos every day of them playing with the cats, and they were both in good health when I returned, just a little bit clingy for the first few days.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

When I brought Gizzy home, it really was for Gomez.  Gomez adored me, maybe too much and I knew he was lucky.  Gizzy was just 2 lbs, he had just been neutered and was the last of the litter.  I really didn’t do any sort of trial run, I just threw them together and Gizzy glommed onto Gomez and Gomez finally got someone to be with him more than me.  They were always together.  

I guess I lucked out that they meshed so well.  I have been incredibly lucky in that there have been no conflicts between any of the pets I have brought together.  Dart and Grendel had a truce.  Both had their own areas, they weren’t buddies but they lived together well.  Dart and Gomez lived well together.  They weren’t bestest buds like Gomez and Gizzy, but there was never any animosity.  Gizzy got along well with Harpo, as did Sheldon and Sheldon sucked up to Harriet…..and later Kronk as well.  

I have had pet sitters and have boarded my cats.  I think the longest we boarded Sheldon was nearly 2 months.  I really liked the place he was at, and know that he was well loved on.  

[nidena]

Cats CAN survive just fine with their owner being gone for an extended period but I wouldn't do this with cats that are new to the household.  I say this as someone who deployed for six months.  But the cats I had were ones that I'd had for more than a decade and my next door neighbor would come over for a couple hours to spend time with them.

[seriousthistime]

It's been years since I had cats.  At one point, I had three of them.  They were indoor cats.  I don't recall any problems with new cats meeting the old ones and getting along pretty quickly -- the exception being when we semi-adopted a stray who stayed outside except for cold winter nights when we'd bring him in, and a loud, aggressive fight would ensue. 

My DD and DSIL adopted one adult cat, and a year later adopted a second cat.  The cats instantly took a dislike to each other and they had to keep them separated.  One cat lived upstairs, the other on the main floor, and they would change the cats' assigned floor every week so each cat was used to the entire house.  Then they moved long distance and each cat was in a carrier in the same car.  They didn't get along at the new place (single story) and had to keep one of them in a bedroom (switching them each week). Three years later, there was a severe weather event and DD had to evacuate; DSIL was out of town and couldn't help,  DD was in a hotel room with both cats for a few days, and when they returned home the cats were less aggressive with each other. They were never friends.  They could both be on a king size bed but one would be at the foot of the bed and the other on the pillow. 

So while I think it is quite possible for cats to be introduced and become friends, or at least become tolerant of each other, it is also possible that the process could take years. 

[TheOtherMe]

I had one cat in my life who never ever accepted a new cat.  She made life a living hell for that cat.  We did behavioral therapy.  Cat #3 lived her life in fear in one room until the other cat died.  When my male died, I let Cat #3 be an only cat for the rest of her days.  She spent her time in the same room with me but was not a lap cat.  It was too late for that.  



I'm sorry I cannot feel a bond with Michi.

This makes me want to cry.  Michi deserves better.  

[Ava]

Thanks for all the insights.
Given my situation, long trips, salary not going as far due to inflation, I'm leaning towards no. Boarding two cats would be a financial hit. Boarding 3 cats is not realistic for me.

My nightmare scenario is bringing a cat home and Michi hates him or her.

And they never become friends.

About bonding, I think the reason I can't bond with him is because of the circumstances under which he came into my life.

I never had a problem before bonding with a pet. Even the fosters I had for 10 days I bonded with them and I was sad to see them go.

And to clarify, Michi is beloved and has good food, good vet care, toys, playtime, cuddles. It's just that I don't bond with him. It's difficult to explain.

Next time I adopt I want two cats and I want foster to adopt to make sure we're a good match. But that would be long into the future as Michi is a very young cat.

I'm going to get the door fixes anyway.

As for Boarding or not, I think it depends on the cat.
Ava was home with a sitter dropping in. She was fine. She was very independent.
Ava would have hated Boarding.

Now Michi would not do well home alone. He's very social. So I always board him.

[Ava]

Mar 30, 2024 10:05:20 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I had one cat in my life who never ever accepted a new cat.  She made life a living hell for that cat.  We did behavioral therapy.  Cat #3 lived her life in fear in one room until the other cat died.  When my male died, I let Cat #3 be an only cat for the rest of her days.  She spent her time in the same room with me but was not a lap cat.  It was too late for that.  



I'm sorry I cannot feel a bond with Michi.

This makes me want to cry.  Michi deserves better.  

Michi has a good life. He could have ended on the streets and he's in a safe environment.
I will care for him for the rest of his natural life.
I love him, I just don't feel a connection.
He, on the other hand, is so happy to be here and full of love.

There's a cat overpopulation. What's the alternative for him?

He's more than fine here.

[TheOtherMe]

I boarded my cats once because one needed to be have medication every day.  He refused to let them give it to him so that was a waste of money.

Otherwise, I have someone come by daily to care for them.  

The only time I was ever gone a long, long time was when an expected 4 to 7 hospital stay turned into a 28 day hospital stay.  The cat sitters were doing their paperwork at my house so they were getting attention.  They opened my mail and brought bills to me in the hospital.  They went above and beyond during that time in my life.

[Ava]

I keep coming back to this.
Although logically it's better to just keep Michi and call it a day, I really need an emotional support animal.

So I'm thinking of fixing the door and reaching out to a rescue group in NY that has a very good reputation.

I would explain my situation and offer to foster to adopt one cat. Looks like this place tries to match the cat to the prospective owner. Obviously we need a cat that gets along with other cats. If Michi accepts the cat then I would adopt.

I love kittens but the best bet is probably a young adult or older kitten close to one year old.

I would not let them talk me into bringing home two cats. Not that I wouldn't like to have 3 but it's not possible from a financial point of view.

[obelisk]

Not a good idea with your mom sharing a cat in the spare bedroom.  Your mom will let the cat out as your previous cat.

[Tennesseer]

Mar 30, 2024 10:14:21 GMT -5 Ava said:

Thanks for all the insights.
Given my situation, long trips, salary not going as far due to inflation, I'm leaning towards no. Boarding two cats would be a financial hit. Boarding 3 cats is not realistic for me.

My nightmare scenario is bringing a cat home and Michi hates him or her.

And they never become friends.

About bonding, I think the reason I can't bond with him is because of the circumstances under which he came into my life.

I never had a problem before bonding with a pet. Even the fosters I had for 10 days I bonded with them and I was sad to see them go.

And to clarify, Michi is beloved and has good food, good vet care, toys, playtime, cuddles. It's just that I don't bond with him. It's difficult to explain.

Next time I adopt I want two cats and I want foster to adopt to make sure we're a good match. But that would be long into the future as Michi is a very young cat.

I'm going to get the door fixes anyway.

As for Boarding or not, I think it depends on the cat.
Ava was home with a sitter dropping in. She was fine. She was very independent.
Ava would have hated Boarding.

Now Michi would not do well home alone. He's very social. So I always board him.

Regarding the sentence I highlighted: Is it safe to assume that Michi was your replacement for the cat you loved who passed away in 2022? It sounds like you wanted Michi to be exactly like your cat who passed away and Michi is not meeting your expectations and needs.

But you must keep in mind that Michi is not and will not be a clone of the cat you loved and lost. Did you maybe rush into adopting Michi before you had time to grieve the loss of your other cat. Maybe you could use some grief counseling or join a pet loss support group. You don't seem to be over the lose of your cat who passed away in 2022.

[Ava]

You're right. I never got over it.
I don't consciously expect Michi to be like him, but since he's different I feel as if something is missing.

I didn't have any time to grieve before Michi arrived in my life.

I am seeing a therapist but she told me I will get over the loss eventually
It will take a lot of time.

[daisylu]

If you truly feel that you would benefit from an emotional support animal and are unable to bond with Michi it might be best to find him a new home and start over. Your needs are not being served and while Michi may be very well taken care of it is not the ideal situation for him either. 

[TheOtherMe]

     Michi needs to feel love and it sounds like you are not capable of giving it to him.  That makes me sad for Michi.

[toomuchreality]

I haven't read all the comments, or posts in this thread. Nor do I have any advice for you. Sorry.

But I do wish you all the best and hope that you're able to find a god fit for both you and Michi.

I'd like for you to be happy.

[Opti]

Mar 30, 2024 13:57:34 GMT -5 Ava said:

I keep coming back to this.
Although logically it's better to just keep Michi and call it a day, I really need an emotional support animal.

So I'm thinking of fixing the door and reaching out to a rescue group in NY that has a very good reputation.

I would explain my situation and offer to foster to adopt one cat. Looks like this place tries to match the cat to the prospective owner. Obviously we need a cat that gets along with other cats. If Michi accepts the cat then I would adopt.

I love kittens but the best bet is probably a young adult or older kitten close to one year old.

I would not let them talk me into bringing home two cats. Not that I wouldn't like to have 3 but it's not possible from a financial point of view.

That's fine. Cats are known for being aloof more than dogs, so I hope you realize you are looking at the small subset of cats that are more owner focused and lap cats. I know you like kittens, but I think you should focus more on the personality of the cat you want and its ability to support you. I hope you wouldn't ask a toddler to be your emotional support person knowing a child needs support and love to grow into who they are going to be. I would think the same is true of cats. For that reason, I think you should be looking at rescues that are at least two years old and temperamentally suited to supporting you emotionally. Michi is probably just a regular cat.

Maybe the rescue would let you bring Michi in a carrier to see how they interact before making any commitment. 

[Ava]

Thanks again for all the replies.

This is so difficult for me.

For sure, I'm not surrendering Michi. I love him. He's a loved pet.
He's not the support I need, but he's loved

[Ava]

I think the best bet is to talk to a rescue group and let them connect Michi and me with the right cat

[chen35]

I don’t think it’s fair to say your cat is in a poor situation because you don’t feel the same connection as you did with your prior cat. I’m in a similar situation with our dog. My dog I had before was practically the love of my life, lol. I loved that dog so much. After she passed I didn’t want another dog, but finally caved after a few years because we hoped a pet would help DS7 with his anxiety. So about a year ago we got a puppy.
It’s just not the same. I don’t dislike her, but I don’t feel that same connection. That being said, I love on her and take care of her and she has a good life.
In November we sent her to a training boot camp where she stayed and we didn’t see her for 5 weeks. When the trainer brought her back to us he said I was obviously her person and even with all of the pet reunifications he’s done he’s never seen a dog so excited and content to be back with its owner. So the dog feels loved and is safe. It doesn’t matter that she’s not my soul pet.
You seem like you take great care of Michi. He’s lucky to have you.

[Ava]

Mar 31, 2024 1:40:39 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

I haven't read all the comments, or posts in this thread. Nor do I have any advice for you. Sorry.

But I do wish you all the best and hope that you're able to find a god fit for both you and Michi.

I'd like for you to be happy.

Thank you so much