Possibly getting divorced - financial scenarios

[Firebird]

Hi everyone!  I know I've been absent for a long time, and I wish I were coming back to the boards with better news.  DH and I are separated at the moment and it *may* become permanent.  That's definitely not an absolute certainty right now, but I'm trying to take a good look at our finances and see what kind of position we'd be in if we split up. 

We're in decent shape financially, but our biggest worry is making sure we can both stay in our rather expensive area (doesn't have to be this specific town, the next one over is much cheaper), mostly for Babybird's sake.  She's 10 now, and has lived here almost her whole life - she has good friends, great schools, grandparents close by, etc.  Uprooting her at this point would suck, and DH and I are united in our wish to stay in close physical proximity so we can easily coparent her.  50/50 custody is a given.

(FYI - despite being separated, we're on very good terms and talk frequently.  If we do split up, it will be very civil.  We still love each other like crazy and obviously we love our daughter, so we're still going to be a family no matter what happens between us.  We're in agreement that this will become our new goal, if we can't make our marriage work.) 

Even though it's against the traditional advice, I think it makes the most sense for me to keep the house and have DH find an apartment.  Selling is an option, but not right away because we need to replace a couple of things before anyone would buy OR rent it, and we can't afford them right now.  It would probably take me about 6 months to save up/cashflow the necessary work.  Which is fine, because I don't really WANT to sell the house right now.  If we get back together, that's where I want to live - and if we split up, it's pretty much still where I want to live (if possible).

The numbers: 

Mortgage: $1,850 (3.25%, ~$295k left - the house should be good for at least $500k, although we haven't done the official appraisal yet.  According to a real estate agent friend of ours, DH and I would probably net $65k or so apiece if we did sell.) 
Car loan: $330 (0%, ~$11.5k left - this is my bill, since it's my car) 

Retirement accounts:  Roughly $166k, which we'll most likely be splitting right down the middle according to the mediator (we've been married for 11 years and most of that money was accumulated together - I think my ROTH is the only account that predates the marriage)     

Liquid savings:  Roughly $10k 

Utilities:  Average of $750/month (this includes cell phones)
Insurance: $388/month

My income:  $92,000 (take home just shy of $5k/month)
DH income:  $61,000 (take home about $3300/month)

I'm not doing a super detailed budget right now but by my calculations, taking on the mortgage/basic expenses would run me roughly $3300, which feels fairly comfortable for my income.  It should be no problem to add in a child support payment of $600 or so, which is a lot more than the mediator estimated but I'm trying to be conservative here (plus, I'm very willing to pay more than will be legally required of me, if that's the only way DH can stay in this area). 

Unfortunately, rental prices are super high around here - but I still think DH can afford it.  If he's able to rent a place for $1700 or so, which I think is doable, then his basic expenses should come to $2500 or thereabouts.  I'm being really approximate, but obviously the utilities on an apartment would be a lot less than for our house.  I know $2500 is 75% of his take-home, which isn't great, but factor in child support from me and I think it can be done. 

Important caveat, though - this arrangement will only work if DH agrees to let me stay in the house for a while without buying him out (the mediator mentioned that this was an option, if we both agree).  I've run the basic numbers with a lender friend and I don't think I can afford to do that with interest rates as high as they are right now.  I'm totally willing to refinance at a later time, but it would probably be at least a year away.  If DH doesn't want to agree to that, I think we'll probably have to sell the house.  

Other options we've discussed:  selling the house and buying a duplex so we can live right next door to each other (or rent out the next door unit if we do reconcile), buying another house outright (probably not possible, we don't have enough cash for a DP and even the "cheap" houses around here are in the $260-300k range), renting the house for a year or so and getting our own rentals (personally, I'm partial to this option - but DH isn't, and I admit it would be a lot of moving for Babybird). 

By the way, I'm staying with my parents at the moment (they live about a mile from our house, so the back and forth with Babybird has been easy).  Obviously, that won't last forever but I'm very fortunate to have it as a temporary option.  

Thoughts from the board?  Other options we should consider?  Anything big I'm overlooking? 

[Firebird]

Random side note - I'm in the very early stages of looking for another job.  I'd prefer not to make any other huge changes right at this second, but I think I'll probably be moving on from my current employer within the next year or so and money will be a HUGE factor when I do.  Although it wasn't originally a major consideration for me (I'm pretty happy with my current salary), I recognize that I need to maximize my earning power as (potentially) a single parent.  Not to mention, I'll obviously have a lot of catching up to do in the savings department. 

I recently turned down a job offer for $110k starting, and according to my casual chats with recruiters, that's roughly the range I should be targeting.  So, hopefully my income will increase in the not-too-distant future.  

[Deleted]

A few right now: I'm with the grandchildren and am leaving in a couple of hours so want to spend time with them.

If you move to the cheaper area with babybird will she have to change schools? Is that a good school district?

If you agree to buy him out maybe there could be a time limit- e.g., you'll do it within 2 years. Keep in mind that interest rates may still eb elevated then but at least he'll have an end to waiting to get his share of the equity.

Even if you can manage the mortgage, what happens if you need, say, a new HVAC system? You need an agreement on how that might be shared,

Check out the potential tax implications of whatever you decide. I think they may have changed the rules and child support payments are not deductible for the person who pays them but are taxable to the recipient. I could be wrong on this. Also look at your tax situation if you're a single mother. It may not be bad- Single Head of Household, which would be you, is a pretty sweet deal. If your then-Ex is still on the mortgage you need to agree on who gets to deduct mortgage interest and property taxes- most likely you, but put it in writing.

Good luck- I went through this with a 12-year old (sold the marital home and bought another, though) and life was good after that. Unlike you, my relationship with my Ex was pretty acrimonious, so you should do better.

[Firebird]

If you move to the cheaper area with babybird will she have to change schools? Is that a good school district?

Possible but unlikely.  We'd prefer to keep her in the same district, and we can use my parents' house for her registered address if needed (I don't consider that dishonest given that she does actually live here right now, and even when we move out, she has a bedroom here and routinely spends the night with my parents). 

If you agree to buy him out maybe there could be a time limit- e.g., you'll do it within 2 years. Keep in mind that interest rates may still eb elevated then but at least he'll have an end to waiting to get his share of the equity.


Great point, a time limit would make sense.  

Even if you can manage the mortgage, what happens if you need, say, a new HVAC system? You need an agreement on how that might be shared,


Another really good point. 


Check out the potential tax implications of whatever you decide. I think they may have changed the rules and child support payments are not deductible for the person who pays them but are taxable to the recipient. I could be wrong on this. Also look at your tax situation if you're a single mother. It may not be bad- Single Head of Household, which would be you, is a pretty sweet deal. If your then-Ex is still on the mortgage you need to agree on who gets to deduct mortgage interest and property taxes- most likely you, but put it in writing.


Makes sense.  We're not moving forward with anything official until at least January (probably not even then), and I'm 99% sure we'll be filing this year's return together as a married couple, but it's a good point for next year. 

Good luck- I went through this with a 12-year old (sold the marital home and bought another, though) and life was good after that. Unlike you, my relationship with my Ex was pretty acrimonious, so you should do better.

Thanks - I feel really lucky to have the partner I do, even if we can't stay together.  He's a wonderful man and a great father and I trust both of us to make this work.  It never ceases to amaze me how many people seem to have no problem with throwing their own children under the bus to screw over an ex.  Sorry you had to deal with that.  

[Sharon]

Didn't you also have a niece or cousin living with you at one point?  Would that factor into any of the decisions?

[jerseygirl]

Very sad You say you love each other and have a child and are civil to each other
Maybe spend some time and money on marriage counseling

[Firebird]

Nov 29, 2022 12:44:30 GMT -5 Sharon said:

Didn't you also have a niece or cousin living with you at one point?  Would that factor into any of the decisions?

Good memory! Yes, our older niece lived with us for five years (she was 13 when she moved in and she's 18 now).

She recently moved out and isn't speaking to us at the moment, which is a whole separate topic and a viciously painful one at that - but to answer your question, no. We don't need to factor her in anymore. I wish we did 💔

[Firebird]

Nov 29, 2022 12:54:26 GMT -5 jerseygirl said:

Very sad You say you love each other and have a child and are civil to each other
Maybe spend some time and money on marriage counseling

We're in counseling and our counselor is very skilled. I have a lot of confidence in her ability to guide us through this, whichever way it ends.

And yes, it's brutally painful and sad but sometimes even loving each other as much as we do isn't enough 💔

[Deleted]

You need to check out health insurance for babybird as well.  If both you and DH have coverage available you need to choose one and make sure that it applies (sometimes employers don't permit it for a non-custodial parent).

[finnime]

Sorry you're looking at this possibility, Firebird.

I've btdt but my divorce was acrimonious. My X was abusive. Some of what I'd suggest is really just to give yourself some room in case. You just don't know where or how things will go.

1. Remove your DH from any authorized user access to any cc's you may have.

2. Set up new bank accounts--can be with the same bank--in your name only if you don't already have them. Direct your paychecks to your accounts. Remove half of whatever is in joint accounts and put into your own. It stinks, but do it anyway. My X actually charged his attorney's retainer on my cc that he had been an authorized user on.

3. Planning ahead--how much time off do you get? Can you afford to take off a week here and there as needed? You may need to.

4. Health insurance. Who carries it, and who covers Babybird. If it's just one of you than you'll need to plan on the other getting insurance through their own employer.

5. Health, clothing, day care, summer camp and all other child expenses need to be looked at. You will not be able to afford singly what you can jointly.

I'm sure I'll remember more. The idea to put a time limit on buying out your husband makes sense.

[finnime]

Are you both clear and in agreement on the rules for being separated right now? If one of you wants to date, is that okay? And what about introducing Babybird to a date? Probably premature but best be ready.

Do you have an agreement for right now on when you will communicate with the other in the case of an unbudgeted expense? Will that be required for anything over $250? $500? $50?

And you need to agree on who has access to the money needed to keep the house going. You should, of course, since you're going to be living there, but your STBX may think differently.

[jerseygirl]

Nov 29, 2022 12:57:45 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Nov 29, 2022 12:54:26 GMT -5 jerseygirl said:

Very sad You say you love each other and have a child and are civil to each other
Maybe spend some time and money on marriage counseling

We're in counseling and our counselor is very skilled. I have a lot of confidence in her ability to guide us through this, whichever way it ends.

And yes, it's brutally painful and sad but sometimes even loving each other as much as we do isn't enough 💔

Think about what would be enough? I’ve been married a looong time and while some really rough spots happy we stayed the course. My kid divorced and really rough on his son as often is. Personally I’d not put a child through this if at all possible
Sorry if I’m too intrusive but what you present is indeed heartbreaking and possibly not necessary
I won’t read or post on this anymore , too sad and upsetting

[minnesotapaintlady]

Nov 29, 2022 12:29:48 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Check out the potential tax implications of whatever you decide. I think they may have changed the rules and child support payments are not deductible for the person who pays them but are taxable to the recipient.

That's alimony.  Child support was never deductible for the giver or taxable to the recipient.

[alabamagal]

Any way you can live separately in same house? At least until kid gets to 18?

Also, be very careful about using your moms address for school. I’m sure it is done a lot, but the address you use is supposed to be legal address of legal guardians. People have gotten in trouble for that, especially if you are sending kid to “better” school district.

[minnesotapaintlady]

You'd think after going through it twice I'd have some advice, but I really don't.  Both of my divorces were so different and probably neither will be anything like yours.  

Just wanted to point out that both my kids are doing fabulous and babybird will be alright too.  Especially if both parents are getting along and not making this a war.

[laterbloomer]

Good to see you, sorry for the circumstances. My advice is more about divorce than finances. It won't stay friendly, at least not the whole time. It's very hard to go through something so painful and not get angry. Get everything in writing, don't count on either of you to do something because "you still love each other" or "he's not like that"
Corrected as I see you would be paying child support.

[Firebird]

You need to check out health insurance for babybird as well. If both you and DH have coverage available you need to choose one and make sure that it applies (sometimes employers don't permit it for a non-custodial parent).


I didn't realize that - thanks for the info. 

3. Planning ahead--how much time off do you get? Can you afford to take off a week here and there as needed? You may need to.


I definitely can do that, as needed.  So far, I haven't felt the need (job isn't especially stressful right now) but I definitely will. 

Regarding joint accounts and everything, that makes sense when the split is acrimonious.  I've always handled our finances, DH doesn't really get involved (though he has access to all of our information, he's never used it).  And like I said, things are friendly.  I don't have any fear that he's going to try to screw me over financially. 

Are you both clear and in agreement on the rules for being separated right now? If one of you wants to date, is that okay? And what about introducing Babybird to a date? Probably premature but best be ready.



We're definitely discussing this question and others like it.  One thing for sure - Babybird will not be meeting ANYONE either of us are dating for a looooooooooooong time, if ever.  We've both watched my SIL bring various men in and out of her kids' lives and it's never been a good thing.  We hated watching it, and certainly would never do it to Babybird. 

Do you have an agreement for right now on when you will communicate with the other in the case of an unbudgeted expense? Will that be required for anything over $250? $500? $50?



Good question.  We're pretty much going about our usual business when it comes to logistical stuff, so handling unbudgeted expenses is no different. 

Obviously, if we do get divorced, I'll need to start working on separating our finances for real.  But we're not at that point yet.  

[Firebird]

Think about what would be enough? I’ve been married a looong time and while some really rough spots happy we stayed the course. My kid divorced and really rough on his son as often is. Personally I’d not put a child through this if at all possible


Trust me, I've been thinking of nothing else for months now.  DH and I have been together for more than 13 years - and happily, for the most part.  He is my best friend and my partner, and he's my family as much as Babybird is.  I love him very, very much (and vice versa). 

I'm not going to get into what's going on between us on here, but there are some very real dealbreaker issues in play right now that don't have much room for compromise.  Our biggest issue has been compared to the "kids versus no kids" debate.  If one person desperately wants a kid and the other is dead set against it, there's not really any way to deal with that other than 1) someone gives in or 2) you split up.  It doesn't matter if you're both great people who love each other, there's just no moving the needle on certain issues.  That's where we find ourselves. 

That said, I still hope we can find a way.  Neither of us WANT to divorce, which should count for something. 

Any way you can live separately in same house? At least until kid gets to 18?



I've been thinking about that, and I think there's an outside chance it could work.  Haven't discussed it with DH, but it might be a good option to consider.  I'm open to it (and we do have a third bedroom we're no longer using). 

On the other hand, eight more years is a long time.  But maybe for the first few months we could try it.  It would be great to move back home - I miss my kitties 

Also, be very careful about using your moms address for school. I’m sure it is done a lot, but the address you use is supposed to be legal address of legal guardians. People have gotten in trouble for that, especially if you are sending kid to “better” school district.


Well, that's annoying.  All the more reason for me to stay in the house, if possible. 

Just wanted to point out that both my kids are doing fabulous and babybird will be alright too. Especially if both parents are getting along and not making this a war.


That's really great to hear!  Babybird seems fine so far, we're doing everything we can to keep things as happy/normal for her as possible (we did Thanksgiving together, DH is coming over tonight to watch a Christmas movie with us, etc.).  To avoid misleading her, we've agreed not to be physically affectionate with each other in front of her - but we're certainly being nice. 

Frankly, I think she's relieved that she doesn't have to live with parents who are stressed out and fighting anymore.  I know I was getting sick of it! 

Good to see you, sorry for the circumstances. My advice is more about divorce than finances. It won't stay friendly, at least not the whole time. It's very hard to go through something so painful and not get angry. Get everything in writing, don't count on either of you to do something because "you still love each other" or "he's not like that"


Oh, I don't doubt that we have painful times in our future.  We've certainly had plenty of heated discussions since I moved out, but they've been overall a lot more productive than when we were living together.  

Pretty much everyone I know has pointed out that people change in divorce, I shouldn't count on him not screwing me over, etc.  And I get that perspective, I really do (I volunteer for a domestic violence organization so I know exactly how bad it can get, and how fast). 


But I also know DH and myself really well.  After everything we've been through in the past years, the very last thing we would ever want to do is hurt Babybird more than necessary.  And we both know painfully well exactly how much a kiddo can be hurt by having parents who are being nasty to each other.  In the end, we truly believe she'll be best served by having the two of us get along and work together for her good, whether we're still married or not.  So, we will both find a way to get past our personal feelings/pain and do that. 

[Rukh O'Rorke]

sorry to hear about this, firebird. best wishes whichever way you end up taking this.

To be very frank and in an attempt to give the conversation you came here to have: The money isn't making sense to me. If living in the house is affordable on your salary alone, you both should have alot more in savings. You say that noone would buy or rent the house in current condition - why is it in that condidtion, if the house was afforadable on your salary alone, why hasn't this upkeep been done?

You need to have this figure out before you start trying to live there on your salary alone.

[Firebird]

To be very frank and in an attempt to give the conversation you came here to have: The money isn't making sense to me. If living in the house is affordable on your salary alone, you both should have alot more in savings. You say that noone would buy or rent the house in current condition - why is it in that condidtion, if the house was afforadable on your salary alone, why hasn't this upkeep been done?


The house is in great condition, the "fixes" I was referring to are pretty recent and none of them are huge problems in and of themselves - they just need to be dealt with before anyone besides us would want to live there.  The dishwasher has been broken for a few months (we've just been doing them by hand - but renters or potential owners would definitely want that fixed) and the oven seems to be on the fritz (hard to tell since sometimes it works fine... go figure, but I think we'll probably need to replace that too). 

And we redid the downstairs floors last year but left carpet on the stairs/upstairs hallway which now needs to come out.  Our oldest kitty is almost 13 and she's starting to become incontinent   So the upstairs hallway carpet is now basically ruined and it smells like cat pee up there no matter how many times we steam clean.  Definitely needs to be replaced with hardwood before we could either buy or rent.  Granted, it won't be a major job like completely redoing the downstairs floor was - this should be pretty simple by comparison. 

But these past years were tough on us, with a LOT of unexpected expenses.  We had a really good amount in savings at one point - now we have a cc bill I need to pay off before we can do anything else (didn't mention that in the OP because I should be able to pay it off with our tax refund this year, so it's not insurmountable or anything - just annoying). 

I keep saying, what NEEDS to happen is for my book to become an instant bestseller!  Then we'll be rolling in it 

[engineerdoe]

Nov 29, 2022 15:54:35 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Think about what would be enough? I’ve been married a looong time and while some really rough spots happy we stayed the course. My kid divorced and really rough on his son as often is. Personally I’d not put a child through this if at all possible


Trust me, I've been thinking of nothing else for months now.  DH and I have been together for more than 13 years - and happily, for the most part.  He is my best friend and my partner, and he's my family as much as Babybird is.  I love him very, very much (and vice versa). 

I'm not going to get into what's going on between us on here, but there are some very real dealbreaker issues in play right now that don't have much room for compromise.  Our biggest issue has been compared to the "kids versus no kids" debate.  If one person desperately wants a kid and the other is dead set against it, there's not really any way to deal with that other than 1) someone gives in or 2) you split up.  It doesn't matter if you're both great people who love each other, there's just no moving the needle on certain issues.  That's where we find ourselves. 

That said, I still hope we can find a way.  Neither of us WANT to divorce, which should count for something. 

Any way you can live separately in same house? At least until kid gets to 18?



I've been thinking about that, and I think there's an outside chance it could work.  Haven't discussed it with DH, but it might be a good option to consider.  I'm open to it (and we do have a third bedroom we're no longer using). 

On the other hand, eight more years is a long time.  But maybe for the first few months we could try it.  It would be great to move back home - I miss my kitties 

Also, be very careful about using your moms address for school. I’m sure it is done a lot, but the address you use is supposed to be legal address of legal guardians. People have gotten in trouble for that, especially if you are sending kid to “better” school district.


Well, that's annoying.  All the more reason for me to stay in the house, if possible. 

Just wanted to point out that both my kids are doing fabulous and babybird will be alright too. Especially if both parents are getting along and not making this a war.


That's really great to hear!  Babybird seems fine so far, we're doing everything we can to keep things as happy/normal for her as possible (we did Thanksgiving together, DH is coming over tonight to watch a Christmas movie with us, etc.).  To avoid misleading her, we've agreed not to be physically affectionate with each other in front of her - but we're certainly being nice. 

Frankly, I think she's relieved that she doesn't have to live with parents who are stressed out and fighting anymore.  I know I was getting sick of it! 

Good to see you, sorry for the circumstances. My advice is more about divorce than finances. It won't stay friendly, at least not the whole time. It's very hard to go through something so painful and not get angry. Get everything in writing, don't count on either of you to do something because "you still love each other" or "he's not like that"


Oh, I don't doubt that we have painful times in our future.  We've certainly had plenty of heated discussions since I moved out, but they've been overall a lot more productive than when we were living together.  

Pretty much everyone I know has pointed out that people change in divorce, I shouldn't count on him not screwing me over, etc.  And I get that perspective, I really do (I volunteer for a domestic violence organization so I know exactly how bad it can get, and how fast). 


But I also know DH and myself really well.  After everything we've been through in the past years, the very last thing we would ever want to do is hurt Babybird more than necessary.  And we both know painfully well exactly how much a kiddo can be hurt by having parents who are being nasty to each other.  In the end, we truly believe she'll be best served by having the two of us get along and work together for her good, whether we're still married or not.  So, we will both find a way to get past our personal feelings/pain and do that. 

Would you guys be open to have babybird live in the house and if you do a week on/week off for the 50/50 parenting and have a separate apartment that the off parent goes to for the week?  So you are sharing the house and an apartment? (if the living in one house doesn't work)
Wishing the best for you guys.

[Firebird]

Would you guys be open to have babybird live in the house and if you do a week on/week off for the 50/50 parenting and have a separate apartment that the off parent goes to for the week? So you are sharing the house and an apartment? (if the living in one house doesn't work)


There's a term for that, actually!  It's called "nesting" and yes, that's also an option I forgot to include in the list.  I'm open to it, but DH doesn't want to live with roommates, which kinda limits our options.  If we're going to do this, I'd not like to spend more than $800 or so on our "non-house" option, which around here pretty much means roommates. 

[minnesotapaintlady]

75% of his income to rent is pretty nasty and I had a huge mortgage. 

[chiver78]

Nov 29, 2022 16:41:22 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Would you guys be open to have babybird live in the house and if you do a week on/week off for the 50/50 parenting and have a separate apartment that the off parent goes to for the week? So you are sharing the house and an apartment? (if the living in one house doesn't work)


There's a term for that, actually!  It's called "nesting" and yes, that's also an option I forgot to include in the list.  I'm open to it, but DH doesn't want to live with roommates, which kinda limits our options.  If we're going to do this, I'd not like to spend more than $800 or so on our "non-house" option, which around here pretty much means roommates. 

I have a question. also - welcome back!

re: doing this split thing. I actually went to HS with some kids that had this living arrangement, and an acquaintance who teaches with my sister (boarding school is like family...) that does this now. I'm curious why your DH considers splitting both places as "living with roommates" as you won't both be in the same place at the same time. the majority of roommate disputes are a result of one impeding on the other's personal space and enjoyment of living quarters. even if it isn't a permanent thing, it does sound like a feasible option in the short term while you're still figuring it all out. 

whatever happens, I wish you the best! 

[Firebird]

re: doing this split thing. I actually went to HS with some kids that had this living arrangement, and an acquaintance who teaches with my sister (boarding school is like family...) that does this now. I'm curious why your DH considers splitting both places as "living with roommates" as you won't both be in the same place at the same time. the majority of roommate disputes are a result of one impeding on the other's personal space and enjoyment of living quarters. even if it isn't a permanent thing, it does sound like a feasible option in the short term while you're still figuring it all out.


Oh, I didn't mean he considered sharing the house with *me* as having roommates.  I meant that for what I'd be willing to spend for this arrangement, it's likely that our second place (the one we'd be switching off staying in when it wasn't our turn to be in the house with Babybird) would likely be a room in someone's house.  So, we'd have roommates there. 

I don't mind the idea at all (actually, I kind of dig the idea of having part-time housemates right now) but DH does.  I'm just not sure I can bring myself to pay $300-400 extra for the privilege of renting a 1br instead of a shared house.  Especially since there's a good chance this arrangement wouldn't last too long. 

We'll see.  I'm hoping things can get clarified between us fairly soon, because it's obviously very complicated trying to decide things like how much to spend on a new apartment and when to start looking for one when we still don't even know for sure that we're splitting up.  

[Firebird]

75% of his income to rent is pretty nasty and I had a huge mortgage.


To clarify, it wouldn't be 75% of his income to rent - that would be his total (basic) monthly expenses.  The rent itself would be something like 50% of his income, which I agree is still very high.  But with my CS contribution, it wouldn't be so bad.  

[Deleted]

Nov 29, 2022 15:54:35 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Babybird seems fine so far,.. <snip>

Frankly, I think she's relieved that she doesn't have to live with parents who are stressed out and fighting anymore.  I know I was getting sick of it! 

DH used to say, "It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one".  The Ex and I did have separate bedrooms for at least the last year of the marriage but that didn't help much and it certainly cut off the possibility of new relationships.  You may be nowhere near thinking that way yet but I remarried at 50 and it was a very happy one.   

And another tax thought (sorry I confused treatment of alimony with child support earlier)- you should decide who takes babybird as a dependent.  Some parents alternate years.  I believe that's what drives whether you get the more favorable Single Head of Household status.  Consult an expert, though.  My brother is a tax accountant but I certainly am not!

Also- sometimes it's not the other party but their attorney who says, "Is that all you're asking for?  You could do better..." and starts an expensive war only the attorneys win.  I highly recommend mediation, which worked for the Ex and me despite our acrimony-  when you can develop a Property Settlement and present it to a judge, you have SO much more control over where you compromise and what you consider non-negotiable.

[geenamercile]

My DH and I split 3 years ago.  We have ended up doing the split house thing, he has the basement with a room and  a kitchenette area in it, I have the master upstairs.  We each have our own bathroom.  It has worked with the co-parenting well.  I pay all the bills, he gives me a set amount each month.  Honestly what he gives me doesn't cover 1/3 of the rent but considering I make 2.5  times what he does I don't worry about it, it is what he can afford and pay his bills and save some.  As of now the plan is to keep it going until the youngest is launched.  Some things to think about, what happens when one of you start dating?  Emotionally it was harder at the start.  

We too still loved each other and wanted the best for each other but realized that wasn't each other.   

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

One of the things that I have heard is that the child doesn't move from the house, but you and your DH change who lives in the house for their custody weeks.  You rent a small apartment for your off week, and switch off who stays there.  Since both of you are living in the shared place, both of you are sharing both shared housings.  

[Firebird]

Also- sometimes it's not the other party but their attorney who says, "Is that all you're asking for? You could do better..." and starts an expensive war only the attorneys win. I highly recommend mediation, which worked for the Ex and me despite our acrimony- when you can develop a Property Settlement and present it to a judge, you have SO much more control over where you compromise and what you consider non-negotiable.


We're definitely going through a mediator, if we proceed with divorce.  It'll still cost $3k for the retainer, but that's way cheaper than lawyers we don't need.  There's nothing to argue about here - our assets will be divided equally between us (with the possible exception of one of my retirement accounts), we're sharing custody 50/50, and we each keep our own car (which means I keep the loan).  The big question, obviously, is what we do with the house - but we still don't need a lawyer for that.  

I'm trying not to get too hung up on the financial impact of possibly divorcing.  It's just money - I can always make more money.  I'll recover from that piece just fine, if I have to. 

My DH and I split 3 years ago. We have ended up doing the split house thing, he has the basement with a room and a kitchenette area in it, I have the master upstairs. We each have our own bathroom. It has worked with the co-parenting well. I pay all the bills, he gives me a set amount each month. Honestly what he gives me doesn't cover 1/3 of the rent but considering I make 2.5 times what he does I don't worry about it, it is what he can afford and pay his bills and save some. As of now the plan is to keep it going until the youngest is launched. Some things to think about, what happens when one of you start dating? Emotionally it was harder at the start.


I would kill for a basement apartment type of deal, but unfortunately our house isn't set up that way.  It's a great house, but definitely meant for communal living.  

Ironically, we could probably share my parents' house together just fine - they have two separate living rooms (one upstairs, one downstairs) and a clear separation between the master bedroom/bathroom and the other two bedrooms.  Maybe I should ask if they want to swap houses with us 

We too still loved each other and wanted the best for each other but realized that wasn't each other.


That's what DH and I are trying to figure out 

One of the things that I have heard is that the child doesn't move from the house, but you and your DH change who lives in the house for their custody weeks. You rent a small apartment for your off week, and switch off who stays there. Since both of you are living in the shared place, both of you are sharing both shared housings.


Definitely a possibility!  That's called nesting, I talked about it in my previous post.