Bridal Shower: Help me get out of it

[Bonny]

My local BFF's daughter is getting married in the fall. She is almost 30 and has been living with her fiancee for many years.  Her aunts are putting on a bridal shower for her. I don't want to go. She kept whining to her mom that no one was giving her a shower. I guess the aunts capitulated. I'm having a hard time dealing with this situation other than it being a blatent gift grab. When I got married 34 years ago I didn't have a wedding shower. DH and I had been living together for a couple years and we had everything we needed. Frankly as I got more into the wedding planning the more and more put off I got about how greedy the process is. The custom was to help out someone starting a new life and probably share some stories about marital life. Neither applies here.

How do I tactfully decline? Her mother and I are very close and generally very honest with one another but I'm not comfortable being brutally honest and saying I think your daughter is acting like a spoiled brat.  And yes, if I say I've got other plans I'm going to be asked "what plans"?

[raeoflyte]

How about a showers and/or large groups are just too draining or being extra cautious about covid?

[Cookies Galore]

Just make up an excuse. Your friend doesn't need to know you don't actually have plans that weekend.

Husband and I got engaged after we were living together for five years already (got married at 32 and 35). I was resistant to having a registry/doing a bridal shower but I relented because people WANT to celebrate and give gifts. Why shouldn't the couple get what they actually want and could use instead of what other people think they should have? They're going to get presents, might as well have a party and give friends and family a helpful shopping guide. Just because you didn't have a shower and think they're silly doesn't mean other people think the same. Just RSVP no and get on with it.

Think of it as shedding the mismatched plates of worlds colliding that is cohabitation and ushering in the matching towels of married life. Or something hokey like that.

[mollyanna58]

i agree - make up other plans.

The daughter has probably been to many showers, both bridal and baby, for her friends and relatives, and wants her turn.  

[laterbloomer]

Just for another way of looking at it...because they lived together before getting married they did not get the support and gifts that often go to the newly married and had to set up on their own dime. And the bridal showers I go to are usually gifts for the bride like lingerie, or things to do with cooking or setting up a new home like decor or books. And I'm guessing that she has gone to many showers for others over the years and offered her support to them.

I hope I don't get to the point that I begrudge someone I'm supposedly close to a celebration and gifts on a momentous occasion in their lives.

[laterbloomer]

And I agree with you, there is no way to tell your bff you think her daughter is a spoiled brat for wanting the full wedding experience many people enjoy and not look bad.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Hmm I guess I should have told my MIL to not throw me a bridal shower because I didn't want to be a spoiled brat.  DH and I were adults when we got married and had already had separate households. I didn't need anything to set us up in a "new life".  I had no clue I was supposed to decline out of principal. I guess I should be grateful nobody shared their opinion on what a brat I was.

Her aunts decided to host her one it isn't like she hosted it herself.   Then you might have a valid argument.   How does it make her spoiled that she wanted one and the aunts decided to oblige? I'm assuming she did not hold a gun to her aunts' heads and demand a shower or else.

Just say you have other plans.  I don't think it would go over too well if you offered your unsolicited views on bridal showers.  There is brutally honest and there is being a bitch.  You'd be crossing over if you offered your opinion.

[busymom]

Do you have the type of job where you're on call?       Just send a gift & wish them the very best.  

[wvugurl26]

Decline the invite and move on. Society changes and evolves. People get married later these days. If you don't want to go and think it's such a horrible gift grab don't send a gift. Don't ruin everyone else's enjoyment.

Life is short and the day to day grind can be boring at best and miserable on other days. I enjoy celebrating the special events of my family and friends.

[Bonny]

Jul 14, 2022 14:03:35 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Hmm I guess I should have told my MIL to not throw me a bridal shower because I didn't want to be a spoiled brat.  DH and I were adults when we got married and had already had separate households. I didn't need anything to set us up in a "new life".  I had no clue I was supposed to decline out of principal. I guess I should be grateful nobody shared their opinion on what a brat I was.

Her aunts decided to host her one it isn't like she hosted it herself.   Then you might have a valid argument.   How does it make her spoiled that she wanted one and the aunts decided to oblige? I'm assuming she did not hold a gun to her aunts' heads and demand a shower or else.

Just say you have other plans.  I don't think it would go over too well if you offered your unsolicited views on bridal showers.  There is brutally honest and there is being a bitch.  You'd be crossing over if you offered your opinion.

She wanted her mother to give her a bridal shower. My friend had to explain to her why that wasn't done. They are already on the hook for an expensive wedding.

You would think that if the daughter was going to a lot of bridal showers et cetera that her friends would reciprocate. FWIW I'm the one who hosted my friend's baby shower 30 years ago.

Thanks for the brutally honest assessment.

[laterbloomer]

Jul 14, 2022 14:46:35 GMT -5 Bonny said:

You would think that if the daughter was going to a lot of bridal showers et cetera that her friends would reciprocate. FWIW I'm the one who hosted my friend's baby shower 30 years ago.

You'd think so. Or often the Maid of Honour does it. That's probably why she was so disappointed. Kinda sad if the nobody really wanted to do it and the aunt's had to be coerced into it.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

TBF we don't know that the aunts were coerced into it.  It could be a situation where everyone else thought someone else was planning it and never bothered to talk to the other parties.  Then she mentioned it to the aunts so they took over.

People have incredibly short attention spans anymore.  I couldn't even get people to figure out how RSVP works and I gave them a pre-stamped envelope with instructions.  Now imagine those people planning anything. 

[Cookies Galore]

Jul 14, 2022 15:50:24 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Jul 14, 2022 14:46:35 GMT -5 Bonny said:

You would think that if the daughter was going to a lot of bridal showers et cetera that her friends would reciprocate. FWIW I'm the one who hosted my friend's baby shower 30 years ago.

You'd think so. Or often the Maid of Honour does it. That's probably why she was so disappointed. Kinda sad if the nobody really wanted to do it and the aunt's had to be coerced into it.

We didn't have a wedding party, hence no forced shower jobs for my friends. My stepmom decided to throw me one because people were asking (she checked to see if friends were planning one first). Maybe the bride-to-be also doesn't have a wedding party and so no one has the "job" to think about these things? I dunno.

[bookkeeper]

Jul 14, 2022 14:46:35 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Jul 14, 2022 14:03:35 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Hmm I guess I should have told my MIL to not throw me a bridal shower because I didn't want to be a spoiled brat.  DH and I were adults when we got married and had already had separate households. I didn't need anything to set us up in a "new life".  I had no clue I was supposed to decline out of principal. I guess I should be grateful nobody shared their opinion on what a brat I was.

Her aunts decided to host her one it isn't like she hosted it herself.   Then you might have a valid argument.   How does it make her spoiled that she wanted one and the aunts decided to oblige? I'm assuming she did not hold a gun to her aunts' heads and demand a shower or else.

Just say you have other plans.  I don't think it would go over too well if you offered your unsolicited views on bridal showers.  There is brutally honest and there is being a bitch.  You'd be crossing over if you offered your opinion.

She wanted her mother to give her a bridal shower. My friend had to explain to her why that wasn't done. They are already on the hook for an expensive wedding.

You would think that if the daughter was going to a lot of bridal showers et cetera that her friends would reciprocate. FWIW I'm the one who hosted my friend's baby shower 30 years ago.

Thanks for the brutally honest assessment.

My DH's niece threw herself her last two baby showers.  Put her mother's name on the invitations as hostess and her own name on the envelopes.  This woman just built a new home on a golf course and tried to educate me on LV purses.  Even her parents think it's bullsh!t and a total gift grab.

I told DH I will spend my money on entertaining them when they come to my house.  Till then.............crickets.

[bookkeeper]

If you send a gift, make it something totally utilitarian.  Picture an extension cord, step stool, basket of cleaning products.

Married life is so exciting!

[swamp]

Jul 14, 2022 16:13:25 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

If you send a gift, make it something totally utilitarian.  Picture an extension cord, step stool, basket of cleaning products.

Married life is so exciting!

We got a chainsaw as a wedding present.  Best.  Present.  Ever. 

[Bonny]

Jul 14, 2022 16:08:16 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

TBF we don't know that the aunts were coerced into it.  It could be a situation where everyone else thought someone else was planning it and never bothered to talk to the other parties.  Then she mentioned it to the aunts so they took over.

People have incredibly short attention spans anymore.  I couldn't even get people to figure out how RSVP works and I gave them a pre-stamped envelope with instructions.  Now imagine those people planning anything. 

First she complained about not having a engagement party which due to Covid one could understand the reluctance to have an indoor party during the winter months. Then she complained about not having a bridal shower. The aunts have children within her age group <5 years. Non of them have married yet.

She also hired a wedding planner.

Her mom and dad eloped so they didn't have any of these items either. I do think the bridal business really sets unrealistic expectations.

We are planning to attend the wedding and give a nice check.

[Bonny]

Jul 14, 2022 16:22:25 GMT -5 swamp said:

Jul 14, 2022 16:13:25 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

If you send a gift, make it something totally utilitarian.  Picture an extension cord, step stool, basket of cleaning products.

Married life is so exciting!

We got a chainsaw as a wedding present.  Best.  Present.  Ever. 

Lol, we got a set of knives and a knife sharpener. I heard later you aren't supposed give gifts like that to "impassioned people".

I didn't do a wedding register. We did get a lot of checks which we leveraged into a down payment for our first home.

[laterbloomer]

Jul 14, 2022 16:34:37 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Jul 14, 2022 16:08:16 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

TBF we don't know that the aunts were coerced into it.  It could be a situation where everyone else thought someone else was planning it and never bothered to talk to the other parties.  Then she mentioned it to the aunts so they took over.

People have incredibly short attention spans anymore.  I couldn't even get people to figure out how RSVP works and I gave them a pre-stamped envelope with instructions.  Now imagine those people planning anything. 

First she complained about not having a engagement party which due to Covid one could understand the reluctance to have an indoor party during the winter months. Then she complained about not having a bridal shower. The aunts have children within her age group <5 years. Non of them have married yet.

She also hired a wedding planner.

Her mom and dad eloped so they didn't have any of these items either. I do think the bridal business really sets unrealistic expectations.

We are planning to attend the wedding and give a nice check.

Seriously, any Bridal Showers I've been to are more about the women getting together to wish the bride well than the gifts. Gifts get given but it's more of a conversation starter. Either everyone goes bar hopping like a stagette and split the bride's bar bill, or it's sexy stuff or domestic gifts.

[Bonny]

Jul 14, 2022 16:42:32 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Jul 14, 2022 16:34:37 GMT -5 Bonny said:

First she complained about not having a engagement party which due to Covid one could understand the reluctance to have an indoor party during the winter months. Then she complained about not having a bridal shower. The aunts have children within her age group <5 years. Non of them have married yet.

She also hired a wedding planner.

Her mom and dad eloped so they didn't have any of these items either. I do think the bridal business really sets unrealistic expectations.

We are planning to attend the wedding and give a nice check.

Seriously, any Bridal Showers I've been to are more about the women getting together to wish the bride well than the gifts. Gifts get given but it's more of a conversation starter. Either everyone goes bar hopping like a stagette and split the bride's bar bill, or it's sexy stuff or domestic gifts.

This is going to be a lunch for the ladies at one of the aunt's houses. The aunts are in their 60s.

[CCL]

Bridal showers are fun. I had 3.

[Bonny]

Jul 14, 2022 17:27:38 GMT -5 CCL said:

Bridal showers are fun. I had 3.

Wow, you must have a lot of friends!

My wedding was a little complicated. I was trying to coordinate it from the Washington DC area for a wedding in my hometown of San Diego. Since most of our friends and family still lived in the area that seemed like the most considerate option. However, my childhood BFF who was the maid of honor lived in Paris. I was just so grateful for the help I got. I can't imagine complaining about people not giving me parties. 

[irishpad]

Ok, totally off topic.    I clicked into this thread and when I clicked out, an Amazon advertisement window popped up.   The products on the page?   Shower heads.   LMAO.  

Back to regular programming 

[TheOtherMe]

Bonny  If you don't have to go, you decline.  You do not need to give a reason.  It took me about 65 years to figure that out.  You do not have to feel guilty.  

Just send your regards and enjoy the wedding.

[giramomma]

Jul 14, 2022 20:04:27 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Bonny   If you don't have to go, you decline.  You do not need to give a reason.  It took me about 65 years to figure that out.  You do not have to feel guilty.  

Just send your regards and enjoy the wedding.

On another board I'm on, they have a saying. It's an invitation, not a court summons.

[TheOtherMe]

I no longer let them guilt me in to giving a reason.  It's none of their business why I decline.  

[laterbloomer]

Jul 14, 2022 20:10:32 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jul 14, 2022 20:04:27 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Bonny   If you don't have to go, you decline.  You do not need to give a reason.  It took me about 65 years to figure that out.  You do not have to feel guilty.  

Just send your regards and enjoy the wedding.

On another board I'm on, they have a saying. It's an invitation, not a court summons.

You're on another board??? You cheat on us?😲

[laterbloomer]

Jul 14, 2022 17:16:57 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Jul 14, 2022 16:42:32 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Seriously, any Bridal Showers I've been to are more about the women getting together to wish the bride well than the gifts. Gifts get given but it's more of a conversation starter. Either everyone goes bar hopping like a stagette and split the bride's bar bill, or it's sexy stuff or domestic gifts.

This is going to be a lunch for the ladies at one of the aunt's houses. The aunts are in their 60s.

Sexy stuff and marital aids it is 😁

[Bonny]

 It turns out I have a pretty good excuse. The date of the bridal shower is just a couple of days after my birthday. That would be the weekend I would want to go away.

But you guys crack me up. Sounds like some of you have had a great time at bridal showers!

Thanks for everyone's input. You give me different perspectives. 

[swamp]

Jul 14, 2022 21:08:33 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Jul 14, 2022 17:16:57 GMT -5 Bonny said:

This is going to be a lunch for the ladies at one of the aunt's houses. The aunts are in their 60s.

Sexy stuff and marital aids it is 😁