azucena
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Post by azucena on May 2, 2024 21:18:53 GMT -5
I soooooo want daiiily updates on this experiment! He gets frustrated that I "nag" and I've been like then just pick up yo damn clothes like a grownup. So in leaning into my evolving attitude about my mental load, I decided to experiment. I no longer pick up his clothes until the cleaner comes every two weeks. Then I pick them up and add them to 3 piles - one on his nightstand for clothes dropped alongside the bed, one on a closet dresser for clothes dropped in the closet, one on bathroom vanity top right next to the frickin hamper. Week 1 housecleaner noticed and guessed the plan so she's been giggling each time. Week 2 dd11 noticed bc she's been my laundry helper lately. She also was able to guess it was his floor clothes. Week 4 dd15 noticed and also knew the reasoning. This is the week that DH was putting his clean clothes away and asked why his drawers were empty and if I'd seen his fav tshirt. I simply shrugged dunno. Week 5 bonus teen noticed and laughed with no explanation needed. This coincides with the timing of when she got comfortable hanging out in our room talking to us to watching TV with dd11. Week 6 he puts laundry away and goes huh, I only have two pairs of clean shorts. I'd begun wondering which clothing item would run out first. Just getting hot here so shorts for the win! Whatever else happens this has made me chuckle when I see the piles rather than seeth and possibly smother him in his sleep. At this point I estimate that he throws roughly a third of his dirty stuff on the floor. And I've been picking it up for 23 yrs which I calmly mentioned to all 3 girls as they bring up the experiment. Not throwing him under the bus to them exactly but also saying ladies don't start your relationships picking up after another adult. And there may also be a side hypothesis and wager of which pile falls over first and which one he finally notices. It's all in the name of science and I don't even like science;)
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 2, 2024 21:20:17 GMT -5
I am wondering what the draw is for having an affair with Trump. (I know, money, notoriety, bragging rights, publicity). Still. Also, I want an emotional support alligator. We need to have Mister complete wiki entries for each of them under the subject GOLD DIGGER.
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Pink Cashmere
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Post by Pink Cashmere on May 2, 2024 21:28:42 GMT -5
I’m still not caught up, but I’m about to take a shower and go to bed.
Another random thing I wanted to share before I sign off…. Boy was so excited to see me when I got home, that his bladder leaked a little while he was jumping around to greet me. That use to happen when he was a puppy and he was excited to greet somebody, but it hasn’t happened in a long time. Probably for over a year now. When it happened today, it seemed to surprise even him. He stopped jumping around, and started sniffing it, like where tf did that come from?! I said “ yes you did it”, but in a lighthearted tone, not scolding him, but I guess it sounded to him, too much like when we ask him “did you do that”, which always wrecks his nerves just for us to ask that, so he took off running to the den with his ears pinned back, and hopped on the sofa.
So then I felt kinda bad, because I really wasn’t scolding him. I wasn’t upset, I know he use to do that when he was a puppy, but I can’t even remember the last time it happened and I saw that even he was surprised that it happened today.
Mister is very clearly his person, but if he was that excited to see me after I’d been gone for a few days, I guess that means he actually really likes me too. He wasn’t in trouble, because even when he was a puppy and that happened when he got so excited to greet somebody, I accepted that it wasn’t something he could control. I’d never had a dog that did that, but he’s his own dog, and he was a puppy and that’s what he did…. not on purpose, so whatever. It was just a little, so clean it up and move on without making a big deal about it. But I felt bad today that what I said made him feel like he was in trouble, especially when he was clearly confused about where it came from, himself.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 2, 2024 21:42:56 GMT -5
Well, I think I'm ready to give all the cushy benefits up and go to the private sector.
There's one job I should apply for.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 2, 2024 21:47:39 GMT -5
On a positive note about mental loads...we are 5 weeks into home chef meal prep deliveries. Only one recipe has been so-so. The rest have been great. 4 servings usually stretches to 5 or 6. Ordering 3-4 per week and supplementing the rest of our meals from freezer, salad, pizza, etc.
Intro deal was well priced, ongoing is a bit spendy but man is helping me. I do can shop less, waste less, eat better and dd11 has taken to cooking a couple nights a week without being asked or even asking many questions.
Tonight she and I were at hair appt where she got blonde ombre put in as a big middle finger to leaving private school dress code in our dust. Came home at 530 and DH had cooked a meal from it without prompting.
They are also weighing in on future orders so that's becoming not my problem too.
When I cook them, it's so easy bc literally everything except salt, pepper and oil is included. Most are 20 min prep.
Def a privileged option but so, so helpful for me.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 2, 2024 23:10:37 GMT -5
I soooooo want daiiily updates on this experiment! My DH pissed me off shortly after our retirement. It was over something stupid, how I parked the car. I walked in the house and decided if he had time to berate me, after I had just driven him two hours home, that he needed more to do in retirement than to tell me what to do. I didn't say anything. Actually I was so mad, I didn't say anything to him for three days. He figured out I had stopped doing his laundry by the 5th or 6th day and did not ask me why. He knows why. He thought it was more important to be right that to be kind to the person who has done his laundry for 35 years. Good news is that today he is entirely self sufficient doing his own laundry. I did have to throw the oxyclean scoop away and replace it with a tablespoon, cuz man, does that guy like to use laundry products. Extra bonus is that I never get accused of ruining his items in the laundry anymore. Double extra bonus points, he was not emptying the change out of his pockets and had to repair the washing machine by himself, while I watched. I took nine dimes out from under the wash plate in our machine. The coins had stripped the wash plate from the drive train. Laundry only looks easy asshole. Doing it right takes more focus than you give. What is it about laundry that causes battles? TD and I rarely spat, but if we do it’s over laundry. We started out with one hamper and when it was full, I washed. No big deal, I was home, he was working. I washed a pen he left in the pocket of his shirt, and missed it. Did I mention when I had no hips, he left a pen in a pocket and every single shirt I had in WA had an ink stain on it? I said nothing. My mistake of washing that pen caused WWIII! Separate laundry hampers were made. I do my wash, he his. He can’t find his wallet. We search all over the house. He had thrown a load in before went to bed, it was still in the washer. I asked him if here was any chance he left his wallet in his pants and washed it. Absolutely not. Ok. Look some more, nada. I finally start to pull wet clothes out of the washer and there is his wallet. I didn’t say anything…just looked at him. We aren’t going to talk about the 3 $70 rechargeable camera batteries he washed on this trip that are now dead.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 2, 2024 23:34:54 GMT -5
When I was married, I had a rule. NEVER help with laundry more than 2 times in a row. The 1st time, you're doing them a favor. The 2nd time, you're helping. The 3rd time, it's YOUR JOB.
Occasionally, I would help my husband, when he got behind on his laundry. After the 2nd load, he bitched about more not being done. Never fail.
I wasn't looking for more work!
<shakes head>
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 2, 2024 23:43:04 GMT -5
I think the bigger question is why on earth we started doing these men's laundry in the first place?
I doubt there is a measurable difference between women who work or stay at home. I'll bet most women just do/did their husband's/so's laundry because they were already doing laundry so OF COURSE they just did ALL the laundry. Not realizing that the favor would not be returned for us on that or almost any other household task. Not realizing that with every load we created that expectation so we were no longer doing a favor but somehow the bare fucking minimum and now we have to do more and more to show our love and appreciation while they do less and less.
I'm angry and bitter, but I'm not wrong.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 3, 2024 0:09:05 GMT -5
I think the bigger question is why on earth we started doing these men's laundry in the first place? I doubt there is a measurable difference between women who work or stay at home. I'll bet most women just do/did their husband's/so's laundry because they were already doing laundry so OF COURSE they just did ALL the laundry. Not realizing that the favor would not be returned for us on that or almost any other household task. Not realizing that with every load we created that expectation so we were no longer doing a favor but somehow the bare fucking minimum and now we have to do more and more to show our love and appreciation while they do less and less. I'm angry and bitter, but I'm not wrong. Agreed.
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Cheesy FL-Vol
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Post by Cheesy FL-Vol on May 3, 2024 1:33:12 GMT -5
Wow! I must say reading how many of you have spouses with laundry problems really surprises me!
I do laundry most of the time. Neither of us leave dirty clothes wherever. DH happily does my laundry if I am away.
I grew up with 3 brothers. My parents taught all of us how do any chores, even the ones typically done by the opposite gender. So all of my brothers knew how to cook, iron, clean, sew, and laundry when they left home. I knew how to use tools, do basic repairs, and yardwork. To be honest, I loathe some tasks like sewing and ironing and will confess that my brothers all sew better than me.
In my world view, I had no idea household chores were such a bone of contention in many relationships.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 3, 2024 2:22:45 GMT -5
My sister had 2 boys. When they were in their late teens, I found out they'd never been taught how to do laundry. I told my sister she wasn't doing them any favors.
Years ago, when I was still married to my first husband, one of his older brothers returned from the Navy (I believe) and his mother did his laundry once a week. (Probably 28years old) 😳 His mom complained constantly about it, but refused to tell him no.
I was appalled.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on May 3, 2024 3:15:46 GMT -5
Good morning, invisible administrators of laundry, meal planning and other household chores. Welcome to Friday. You made it through the week without an emotional support alligator. Just Y Ma'am to vent to. Good for you. Now you owe it to yourself to celebrate with an adult beverage or a childlike sundae because why wait? I hope you avoid all the pancake pissers as you go about your day. My DH is pretty good about laundry but he does leave a bit of a mess around his chair in the living room and his side of the bed. Books, mail trash, snack wrappers, dirty dishes, etc. He doesn't want me to clean it up because it embarrasses him. So sometimes I do anyway but most of the time I ignore it. Generally he is clean. He cleans up the dishes and kitchen most of the time, maybe not as I would do it, but it's fine and I can and will happily flex my standards. After I've dirtied just about every pot and pan and bowl as when I'm preparing for a large family gathering he tackles it all even with his mobility issues. I know I'm lucky. My first husband was a perfectionist who preferred to berate me than to just set about doing chores himself. I'm happy about your hot tub, Knee Deep in Water Chloe . I remember ours with longing. They don't IME take much electricity or cost. Welcome back, Pink Cashmere . Yesterday I completed the kitchen replacing the drawer pulls and scrubbing down the cabinets. I also sorted out the bins we bring to craft shows. Today I'll sort out the framed photos and pack up the car ready to leave tomorrow shortly after 6. This is yesterday's sunset over the harbor from the hurricane barrier causeway:
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 3, 2024 3:45:19 GMT -5
Good morning, invisible administrators of laundry, meal planning and other household chores. Welcome to Friday. You made it through the week without an emotional support alligator. Just Y Ma'am to vent to. Good for you. Now you owe it to yourself to celebrate with an adult beverage or a childlike sundae because why wait? I hope you avoid all the pancake pissers as you go about your day. My DH is pretty good about laundry but he does leave a bit of a mess around his chair in the living room and his side of the bed. Books, mail trash, snack wrappers, dirty dishes, etc. He doesn't want me to clean it up because it embarrasses him. So sometimes I do anyway but most of the time I ignore it. Generally he is clean. He cleans up the dishes and kitchen most of the time, maybe not as I would do it, but it's fine and I can and will happily flex my standards. After I've dirtied just about every pot and pan and bowl as when I'm preparing for a large family gathering he tackles it all even with his mobility issues. I know I'm lucky. My first husband was a perfectionist who preferred to berate me than to just set about doing chores himself. I'm happy about your hot tub, Knee Deep in Water Chloe . I remember ours with longing. They don't IME take much electricity or cost. Welcome back, Pink Cashmere . Yesterday I completed the kitchen replacing the drawer pulls and scrubbing down the cabinets. I also sorted out the bins we bring to craft shows. Today I'll sort out the framed photos and pack up the car ready to leave tomorrow shortly after 6. This is yesterday's sunset over the harbor from the hurricane barrier causeway: Have you ever fallen into the drawer/door pull rabbit hole? I have. During Covid, we threw a bunch of work at our carpenter we have used. We wanted the doors and drawer fronts replaced on our kitchen cabinets. He and his buddy did a fabulous job, but I needed to find new pulls. The local Lowe’s and Home Depot was a bust. I needed 38 and no where had any more than 12. I really wanted to fondle what I bought, but looked like that wasn’t going to happen. So online it is! Did you know you can get pulls that are $150 each Holy crap! 38 x $150 would cost me more than the hand milled, solid maple cabinet doors that we just had made! They were butt ugly too. I chose a nice, simple $7 solid bronze pull, and while I didn’t get to fondle the non refundable pulls, they were what I was looking for. I wonder who buys those pulls?
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finnime
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Post by finnime on May 3, 2024 3:51:50 GMT -5
The Walk of the Penguin Mich, yes! I was dumbstruck looking online at the knobs and pulls. I went in the end with knobs I found from another thread on WIR with some in a similar ceramic make, then looked for the pulls which I also found online in brass and a simple design. It is astounding what is available for big bucks.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 3, 2024 5:15:34 GMT -5
When I was married, I had a rule. NEVER help with laundry more than 2 times in a row. The 1st time, you're doing them a favor. The 2nd time, you're helping. The 3rd time, it's YOUR JOB. Occasionally, I would help my husband, when he got behind on his laundry. After the 2nd load, he bitched about more not being done. Never fail. I wasn't looking for more work! <shakes head> I like this advice bc it leaves the door open to be a nice partner without fully assuming the responsibility. Will work it into my conversations with my daughters. In the last year, we have split him doing dishes and me doing laundry. Both highly ongoing, non-stop chore that must get done. Seems to have help balance at least those two things. And helps me overlook if dishes sit bc I know he knows they are 100% on him. Also means my clothes don't shrink, get undue wrinkles and put in the wrong closet. Plus I prefer doing laundry over dishes and usually treat myself to bad tv while I do it.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 3, 2024 5:19:55 GMT -5
Wow! I must say reading how many of you have spouses with laundry problems really surprises me! I do laundry most of the time. Neither of us leave dirty clothes wherever. DH happily does my laundry if I am away. I grew up with 3 brothers. My parents taught all of us how do any chores, even the ones typically done by the opposite gender. So all of my brothers knew how to cook, iron, clean, sew, and laundry when they left home. I knew how to use tools, do basic repairs, and yardwork. To be honest, I loathe some tasks like sewing and ironing and will confess that my brothers all sew better than me. In my world view, I had no idea household chores were such a bone of contention in many relationships. Remind me your relationship status and personality types pls. I'd love to understand how your side works and incorporate what I can into my life and education of my girls. Dh and I married at 22 and had never lived alone besides college life. I'm a type a doer and he's carefree. Then add in his chronic illness and my caregiving role and we were doomed.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 3, 2024 5:27:30 GMT -5
My sister had 2 boys. When they were in their late teens, I found out they'd never been taught how to do laundry. I told my sister she wasn't doing them any favors. Years ago, when I was still married to my first husband, one of his older brothers returned from the Navy (I believe) and his mother did his laundry once a week. (Probably 28years old) 😳 His mom complained constantly about it, but refused to tell him no. I was appalled. When dh and I were juniors in hs and lovey dovy talking on the landline for hours, he mentioned not having nice clean clothes for our next date. Curious thing is that his dad did 90% of the household chores and his mom didn't do much. Anyway I said something like duh do your own laundry. An hour later he calls back and starts asking questions about the dryer. I answered them and then got a wild hair and said you know you have to fold your clothes before you put them in the dryer so they don't get wrinkled, right? He was like that doesn't make sense since they tumble but I insisted and lo and behold could hear him folding. Meanwhile my mom's spidey sense went off and she started listening. I distinctly remember having her hold the phone to her ear for a minute to hear the folding. The next time he came over she made me fess up and he tried to play it off as he didn't and was playing along. Mom and I both know he was fibbing. So glad she witnessed bc she still gives him crap about it to this day. In fact she remembered to out him on it to the girls before I did.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 3, 2024 5:35:03 GMT -5
Add Finn to my list of imaginary online friends to tell dh are pushing my towards my dream of a hot tub.
I think I mentioned Thanksgiving rental will have one. Ooo, maybe I use my enjoyment of it to convince dh its my Christmas present!
If I manage to rent airbnbs with one, I use it everyday. That reminds me that my mid-june one has a hot tub. Will be me, dd15 and 5 of her theater friends so I may have to adjust my daily dip around teens. Dd11 is invited but on the fence about the teen ratio.
All teens going have agreed to cook dinners while I make lunches. And each is required to fish with me for at least 30 mins off our own dock and stocked pond. Only dd and one other have ever fished. I'm gonna get my money's worth of laughs and memories out of that LMAO.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 3, 2024 6:20:29 GMT -5
My sister had 2 boys. When they were in their late teens, I found out they'd never been taught how to do laundry. I told my sister she wasn't doing them any favors. Years ago, when I was still married to my first husband, one of his older brothers returned from the Navy (I believe) and his mother did his laundry once a week. (Probably 28years old) 😳 His mom complained constantly about it, but refused to tell him no. I was appalled. When dh and I were juniors in hs and lovey dovy talking on the landline for hours, he mentioned not having nice clean clothes for our next date. Curious thing is that his dad did 90% of the household chores and his mom didn't do much. Anyway I said something like duh do your own laundry. An hour later he calls back and starts asking questions about the dryer. I answered them and then got a wild hair and said you know you have to fold your clothes before you put them in the dryer so they don't get wrinkled, right? He was like that doesn't make sense since they tumble but I insisted and lo and behold could hear him folding. Meanwhile my mom's spidey sense went off and she started listening. I distinctly remember having her hold the phone to her ear for a minute to hear the folding. The next time he came over she made me fess up and he tried to play it off as he didn't and was playing along. Mom and I both know he was fibbing. So glad she witnessed bc she still gives him crap about it to this day. In fact she remembered to out him on it to the girls before I did. You fold your clothes before you put them in the dryer? I've never heard of that.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 3, 2024 6:36:49 GMT -5
With all of her very real problems, she knows what should be happening. She hasn't had role models in her life and she sees it. FWIW, DH is well on his way to being a great male model for her. That's one of the dad things he's the very best at. The mental load stuff is my only true complaint and some of it is on me for not shoving stuff back over to his to do list after he became healthy again. Last night, she really loved the shrimp dish that he made. She'd been hinting for seafood, and I just don't care for it or cook it but he does. We'd been offering for her to pack lunch at least some days like DD15 does. She's said no thanks. DH just packed up the leftovers for her without asking and left her a note for the morning that it was in the fridge. She thanked him and they did their special fist bump. Then, he snickered to me afterwards that he'd left a surprise. Just saw text chain that it was a raw baby potato. She texted him asking if it was 'healthy dessert'. He said "Taters gonna tate" and "See you tater" followed by "It's the tot that counts" to which he got 3 POC thumbs down emojis.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 3, 2024 6:37:37 GMT -5
When dh and I were juniors in hs and lovey dovy talking on the landline for hours, he mentioned not having nice clean clothes for our next date. Curious thing is that his dad did 90% of the household chores and his mom didn't do much. Anyway I said something like duh do your own laundry. An hour later he calls back and starts asking questions about the dryer. I answered them and then got a wild hair and said you know you have to fold your clothes before you put them in the dryer so they don't get wrinkled, right? He was like that doesn't make sense since they tumble but I insisted and lo and behold could hear him folding. Meanwhile my mom's spidey sense went off and she started listening. I distinctly remember having her hold the phone to her ear for a minute to hear the folding. The next time he came over she made me fess up and he tried to play it off as he didn't and was playing along. Mom and I both know he was fibbing. So glad she witnessed bc she still gives him crap about it to this day. In fact she remembered to out him on it to the girls before I did. You fold your clothes before you put them in the dryer? I've never heard of that. Nope, def not. That was me being a complete stinker and pulling his leg.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on May 3, 2024 6:51:30 GMT -5
Have you ever fallen into the drawer/door pull rabbit hole? I have. During Covid, we threw a bunch of work at our carpenter we have used. We wanted the doors and drawer fronts replaced on our kitchen cabinets. He and his buddy did a fabulous job, but I needed to find new pulls. The local Lowe’s and Home Depot was a bust. I needed 38 and no where had any more than 12. I really wanted to fondle what I bought, but looked like that wasn’t going to happen. So online it is! Did you know you can get pulls that are $150 each Holy crap! 38 x $150 would cost me more than the hand milled, solid maple cabinet doors that we just had made! They were butt ugly too. I chose a nice, simple $7 solid bronze pull, and while I didn’t get to fondle the non refundable pulls, they were what I was looking for. I wonder who buys those pulls? My husband's customers in Washington, DC buy them. They typically buy a house for 5-10 million and then spend 15-20 million renovating them. I think one of them paid around $400k for a few doors, although most of the cost was for the main entry door, which was curved. Not so much the politicians, but the cabinet members, lobbyists, and company CEO's that find it beneficial to have a house in DC for political reasons. They typically have a bunch of houses that they move around between, so lots of knobs and drawer pulls.
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Cheesy FL-Vol
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Post by Cheesy FL-Vol on May 3, 2024 7:13:22 GMT -5
Wow! I must say reading how many of you have spouses with laundry problems really surprises me! I do laundry most of the time. Neither of us leave dirty clothes wherever. DH happily does my laundry if I am away. I grew up with 3 brothers. My parents taught all of us how do any chores, even the ones typically done by the opposite gender. So all of my brothers knew how to cook, iron, clean, sew, and laundry when they left home. I knew how to use tools, do basic repairs, and yardwork. To be honest, I loathe some tasks like sewing and ironing and will confess that my brothers all sew better than me. In my world view, I had no idea household chores were such a bone of contention in many relationships. Remind me your relationship status and personality types pls. I'd love to understand how your side works and incorporate what I can into my life and education of my girls. Dh and I married at 22 and had never lived alone besides college life. I'm a type a doer and he's carefree. Then add in his chronic illness and my caregiving role and we were doomed. This is a 2nd marriage for both of us. I have 2 girls, 36 & 37, from previous marriage and he has a son, 29. All of them are on their own in different areas of the country. We are both really laid back easy-going introverts. Both of our exes emotionally and verbally abused us. We do find some parallels in our upbringing. Not sure what kind of insight you would be looking for.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on May 3, 2024 7:13:35 GMT -5
My sister had 2 boys. When they were in their late teens, I found out they'd never been taught how to do laundry. I told my sister she wasn't doing them any favors. Years ago, when I was still married to my first husband, one of his older brothers returned from the Navy (I believe) and his mother did his laundry once a week. (Probably 28years old) 😳 His mom complained constantly about it, but refused to tell him no. I was appalled. Good Lord! If you're old enough, and responsible enough to serve in the Navy, and do certain tasks EVERY DAY like make your own bed to perfection, then you're capable of doing your own laundry. Signed, daughter of a Navy veteran.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 3, 2024 7:19:56 GMT -5
You fold your clothes before you put them in the dryer? I've never heard of that. Nope, def not. That was me being a complete stinker and pulling his leg. Thank goodness! What a relief! 🤣
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minnesotapaintlady
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 3, 2024 7:29:59 GMT -5
Well, I have most definitely caught the kid's cold. The sore throat was bad enough to wake me up in the night a few times. Glad it's Friday.
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Cheesy FL-Vol
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"Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." -- Helen Keller
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Post by Cheesy FL-Vol on May 3, 2024 7:35:49 GMT -5
Well, I have most definitely caught the kid's cold. The sore throat was bad enough to wake me up in the night a few times. Glad it's Friday. I hate colds. I get 2-4 every year, and at least one is really bad. During COVID I did not have a cold for 2 years. I know damn well that has to do with masking up, keeping distance, and diligent handwashing. Once we got lax about some of these things and places became more crowded again, the colds started back up. Neither DH or I have had COVID.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 3, 2024 7:36:57 GMT -5
I think the bigger question is why on earth we started doing these men's laundry in the first place? I doubt there is a measurable difference between women who work or stay at home. I'll bet most women just do/did their husband's/so's laundry because they were already doing laundry so OF COURSE they just did ALL the laundry. Not realizing that the favor would not be returned for us on that or almost any other household task. Not realizing that with every load we created that expectation so we were no longer doing a favor but somehow the bare fucking minimum and now we have to do more and more to show our love and appreciation while they do less and less. I'm angry and bitter, but I'm not wrong. Maybe more men should have worked at scout camp and later become addicts? (I say it tongue in cheek. I would never suggest the addiction path). Dh always did his laundry because 1) he worked at scout camp for the whole summers as a teenager, etc, and 2)doing his own laundry hid his addiction. Maybe when we were first married I'd do towels and sheets. Otherwise I did mine, DH did his. DS does his laundry unless DH is doing wash day, then his stuff will get tossed into the communal wash. DD1 also washes her things about half the time. I do wash my clothes unless I'm super busy, then DH does. The other thing I was reflecting on, is that perhaps my upbringing of marriage is not a partnership helped in these ways. DH and I had been together for over a decade, married 6ish years when I realized that perhaps marriage wasn't about being good/winners (women) and being bad/losers (men and children), but it was supposed to be about partnership. If your (general your) basic assumption is that you (general) are not in a partnership, though, then there are no favors to each other. There's no helping each other out. It's just making sure that you just take care of yourself if you are a capable adult. And if you don't take care of yourself, not my problem. Taking care of babies, of course, was quite different. Because they aren't capable of taking care of themselves. When I look back on where I came from, it is shocking that I am still married. Not because of DH, but because of me. And side note: I think the resentment for my mom came in because she tried to have it both ways. So she would do things as favors because she thought we should value them. Not only did we not really value what she did, but also, she predominantly behaved in a way that indicated she wasn't interested in having a relationship with us. She just wanted to be right. My mom can't understand all that, though. so then she'd get mad. We didn't appreciate her work. And we didn't want to help out, because I think dad and I knew we weren't in a partnership with her. So, if we aren't in a partnership/relationship, there's no reason to help. Someone else posted this on another website I read:https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards I mean I get it. And I also think we need to stop thinking that fair is equal. But approach it from I've got needs, you've got needs. Let's prioritize those first, and then we'll make everything else work around it. Right. DH exercises every.single. day..Sometimes for like 1.5 hours. The only time it bothers me is when I'm at the end of my rope from not getting my needs met. But then it can easily slip into "Well, you have it so much better than me because you only have to work 20 hours a week, and you have all this extra time to give to yourself." I think everyone should be made to read some book that realizes their life is short at 21. It's better than going through cancer treatment. I think the exercise is to get to what matters and what doesn't. Everything can't matter equally. There's just not enough time in life. So, then one also has to decide what truly matters. It isn't possible to have it all at the same time. That goes along with all the other crap they feed you at college graduations. What does it look like to not have it all? And hopefully, one has picked a partner that values similar things, and/or one picks a partner that they can communicate with.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 3, 2024 7:47:56 GMT -5
Remind me your relationship status and personality types pls. I'd love to understand how your side works and incorporate what I can into my life and education of my girls. Dh and I married at 22 and had never lived alone besides college life. I'm a type a doer and he's carefree. Then add in his chronic illness and my caregiving role and we were doomed. This is a 2nd marriage for both of us. I have 2 girls, 36 & 37, from previous marriage and he has a son, 29. All of them are on their own in different areas of the country. We are both really laid back easy-going introverts. Both of our exes emotionally and verbally abused us. We do find some parallels in our upbringing. Not sure what kind of insight you would be looking for. I couldn't remember your backstory or even rough age. Sorry to hear about the abuse. Glad you've put yourself in a much better situation. Your details were helpful frame of reference. I think there's something to be said for learning from first marriage about what you want and don't want in next spouse. Plus you're older and more mature to know yourself and they are less likely to change/grow as much/quickly as someone in their 20s. Frankly, I keep trying to do my part to avoid starting over. DH and I have parallels in our upbringing but our personalities are so different. Because he went without a lot of needs, he tends to go overboard on treating himself to his wants. Meanwhile, I never went without but I didn't have many wants met. I'm more inclined to save, save, save to avoid going backwards.
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daisylu
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Post by daisylu on May 3, 2024 7:53:28 GMT -5
I have always done 99.9% of the laundry - until I started traveling so much for work. It is more even now. We share a hamper but DH used to always leave his underwear on the bathroom floor (hamper is about 10 feet away in the bedroom). It always made me so mad until I realized it is not my problem and I just stopped washing them because they were not in the hamper. It took a few weeks but he eventually started putting them in the hamper.
I also stopped washing the kids clothes when they became teenagers, so it is not like I washing many loads each week anyway.
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