NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 12, 2022 18:51:02 GMT -5
I was mid 20s and DH mid 30s when we married.
Our issue is unique. With DH starting his demons so young in life he's emotionally stunted.
I grew up. He didn't.
He's trying but it frustrating waiting for him to catch up. Especially knowing I'm the younger one in the relationship.
When 2020 the household and kid duty evened out because we had no choice I was essential and school closed.
And it's stayed pretty equal there.
It's the being mentally and emotionally an adult that we're not even. It is tiring to always carry the mental burden when there is supposed to be another adult present.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2022 18:56:38 GMT -5
Now I hear the vacuum bc that's his idea of cleaning. Why can't he realize that is the type of cleaning we are paying for? He can't be bothered to help pick up the kid crap, mail, etc. Because (stereotype alert) men don't want to do any cleanup work unless it involves the application of toxic chemicals or powered devices, preferably combustion engines. The tough stuff- hand-weeding, picking up and putting away, not so much.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Jul 12, 2022 19:02:48 GMT -5
I need to finish cleaning the kitchen and turn on the dishwasher. So going to take a shower and wash my hair and fix it.
Hubs needs to take the big canner down tomorrow I have to bring the bottom and lid up separately it's so heavy. And I need to label and take the canned goods downstairs. Hubs may help me take those down too.
I need to check the meat supply, we have steaks, running low on ground beef. I'm kind of tired of steak. I buy filets and use them in k bobs, fajitas, and just grilled steaks.
A fly bit my leg and it's swollen and hot, the norm.
I pulled weeds in the circular flower bed out back. Hubs cut the chain link off the elephant ear. I bought some ragged plants, a hosta, 2 purple plants, don't remember the name, and 2 baskets of petunias. It's kind of shady back there. I watered with plant food, I'm sure it will perk them up. Need to trim off a few dead leaves. Most plants are salvageable.
Need to weed the garden again. I put out japanese beetle traps those things are all over. It has some kind of attractant, and they were already heading for the bag.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2022 19:03:51 GMT -5
I had a glorious day yesterday, and kind of wish I’d repeated it today.
Yesterday, I rolled out of bed about 10am. I drank my coffee on the deck before it got too hot. By noon I was lounging in the bed again with the blinds and curtains open, binge watching Basketball Wives, a silly reality tv show.
When Mister got home and saw me lounging in the bed, he asked if I was feeling ok lol. I talk a lot about staying in bed all day one day, but it’s very hard for me to actually do it. Yesterday was the most successful I’ve been in years, and I still couldn’t resist cleaning the kitchen. But that was the only productive thing I did. I didn’t sit outside, I didn’t play on my phone or IPad, I don’t think I was even on the boards here yesterday. I just laid in or across the bed and watched tv for most of the day. And I’m glad I did!
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 12, 2022 19:06:08 GMT -5
Dh is currently huffing and puffing around at the indignity of being asked to pick up the kitchen before the housecleaner comes tomorrow. Dude I was out of town from Tues to sun so any mess in there isn't mine. Now I hear the vacuum bc that's his idea of cleaning. Why cant he realize that is the type of cleaning we are paying for? He can't be bothered to help pick up the kid crap, mail, etc. You can bet I'm not getting up from my book right now. I did a week's worth of laundry today while I worked for 10 hours. Division of labor my ass.I know you didn't mean for this to be funny, but I did chuckle outloud at it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 12, 2022 19:26:33 GMT -5
Ugh kid drama. I guess the neighborhood kids and mine have been squabbling.
The other two decided it's Abby and want her to stop playing with their kids.
I'm tempted to send them a bill for all the groceries their kids helped themselves to without asking and remind them of how many times their kids completely disrespected me.
I don't think Abby is 100% innocent.
But maybe it's for the best. She's been more mouthy and bratty since hanging out with these kids. Let's see if that changes.
School will start in a month and everyone will go their separate ways. It's interesting to me though because my parents and their parents never got involved in our squabbles as kids unless it involved physicality or damage of property. We were expected to sort it out ourselves.
Not sure which is better. I'm cool with it. Yeah it stinks Abby doesn't have neighborhood friends but I was losing my patience but was too polite to say anything.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2022 19:33:53 GMT -5
I was mid 20s and DH mid 30s when we married. Our issue is unique. With DH starting his demons so young in life he's emotionally stunted. I grew up. He didn't. He's trying but it frustrating waiting for him to catch up. Especially knowing I'm the younger one in the relationship. When 2020 the household and kid duty evened out because we had no choice I was essential and school closed. And it's stayed pretty equal there. It's the being mentally and emotionally an adult that we're not even. It is tiring to always carry the mental burden when there is supposed to be another adult present. I might get flamed for saying this, but I really do think men and women are wired differently. But me saying that is not trying to let either gender off the hook as far as responsibilities. I’ve always admitted that I’m a mess of contradictions as far as that stuff goes. So being a modern woman that works full time, I’m not cool with coming home after work every day, to work some more, while my spouse/partner chills out. I feel like if a man wants a partner/wife that does the traditionally ”woman’s work” he better be willing to do his part and provide and protect. Meaning making enough money that his wife and children can have a decently comfortable life on his income. Maybe I feel so strongly about it because I’m literally on my feet all day at work, either standing or walking, and my feet hurt (and other things) after doing that for over 20 years. So what I really want to do when I get home from work is sit my ass down somewhere. If Mister expected me to cook every day, we would have a serious problem. Because my feet hurt and I just want to sit on my ass after work, so my feet stop screaming at me. I’m not trying to stand over a stove everyday after I get off work, trying to cook. Mister and I have talked a little about me quitting my job. But in reality, I would never just resign and be financially dependent on Mister. In a year or 2 though, I’d give real consideration to early retirement if my job offered it, like they’ve done in the past. I was superwoman, doing it all when I was raising my children, taking care of all my responsibilities and making shit happen……. because it was just me, and I was all my children had. I couldn’t be superwoman these days, even if I wanted to. And I simply don’t want to be that anymore, anyway. Just thinking about all the shit I use to do that was just life for me, makes me tired. If I have to do all that when I supposedly have a life partner, I’d rather just be by myself.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 12, 2022 19:49:25 GMT -5
No I mean DH is mentally stunted at the age he started abusing substances.
There is actual data out there showing that you tend to stop maturing at the age you began abusing.
When you stop you can do the work to grow up but it's not the same as someone who never used and he's playing catch up.
It gets frustrating and traditional marital therapy is worthless because it doesn't address the congruent issue we have.
That issue needs addressed first. All the chore charts and talking in the world solve nothing if we're not operating on the same maturity level.
DH has come a long way but it's slow going. It gets exhausting always having to be the adult in certain situations.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2022 20:13:48 GMT -5
No I mean DH is mentally stunted at the age he started abusing substances. There is actual data out there showing that you tend to stop maturing at the age you began abusing. When you stop you can do the work to grow up but it's not the same as someone who never used and he's playing catch up to me. There are things at almost 50 that should be no Brainerd but aren't. Sometimes it's frustrating to walk him through it. He should be ahead of me on the maturity curve not behind. That's a unique obstacle in our marriage and why I get frustrated with therapy. Of course I should talk to my husband but I can't ever get them to understand we got congruentissuesgoingon. One can'tbe fixed withoutacknowledgingthe other..Maybe at some point I should see if I can find a substance counselor. They'd probably understand better and have better advice. I’m not saying it is even close to being the same thing, but after I found you all and started learning how to fix my money problems, I learned that managing my money better, required fixing some other thoughts and behaviors that on the surface, had nothing to do with my money. To fix my money to the best of my ability, I had to fix some things in my life. And let me tell it, I was pretty normal, I didn’t have any addictions or expensive habits. But I still had to address some issues I DID have, to manage my money better. Mister has trusted me to do a lot of coaching since we’ve been together frfr. With me cheering him on and teaching him a lot of the things I learned from you all, his income has increased substantially since I met him (I cheered him on and encouraged him when he was after promotions), his credit score went from poor to great, and he’s learned how to manage credit if/when he uses it. And now he’s in a position that he can cash flow problems with this stupid house or whatever, even if it’s some thousands of dollars, if that’s what makes sense. Or he can use low interest financing, if that’s what makes even more more sense. He has options now. Before me, his credit was messed up, and at best, he had maybe $1k saved in cash, if something went terribly wrong. I’m not bragging, just stating facts that he has learned a lot from me, and a lot of what I taught him, I learned from you all.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2022 20:20:10 GMT -5
Mister bought a pellet gun over the weekend. Every evening since then, he’s been laying on a big piece of cardboard he put in the yard, and shooting at a target he put on the piece of the raggedy fence along part of the back of our yard.
I don’t “get it”, but if that’s what makes him happy….. carry on sir. He most definitely doesn’t have to worry about me trying to join him lol.
I’m guessing that maybe that’s his substitute for going to the range with “real” guns.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 12, 2022 20:29:15 GMT -5
Ew! A lady was just on AGT with cockroaches, doing "tricks". YUCK! It was gross! Or at least I thought it was.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 12, 2022 20:50:18 GMT -5
My DH is the same, and his isn't a substance addiction. He was an addict likely by the time he was 18. My therapist reminded me again, that my DH should probably be in therapy.
Here's a good example. My husband is 47. He's had a combined 8 years of sobriety under his belt (3 years the first go around, 5 and counting now).
I discovered his addiction when were 32. 15 years...15 years (and the huge debacle that was our 4th of July weekend) I had to wait for my husband to take complete ownership and responsibility for his behaviors and how kinda handed me some massive shit sandwiches. That's a long, freaking time. Before last weekend, I got the ever popular, meant to shut a person up non-apology apology "I'm sorry you feel that way." When I told DH that I never asked to be married to an addict, he responded "Well, I never asked to be an addict."
Then there was the time I was triggering at the kids' school, because of some moms that were sitting close to me. I told DH. He told me to find a different seat. Well, OMG, you think if that would have solved the problem, wouldn't I have done it?
I've had a couple real doozie triggers that landed me in full blow panic attacks. DH's big display of empathy was staring at me during one of them. He couldn't even tell me he was worried about losing me when I was on the table for so long getting my lumpectomy. Actually, DH really doesn't share most of his feelings with me. That I don't care about so much. He was sharing out with his therapists. And I know he shares with his 12-step group. I don't look to get my emotional needs met by DH. So, I can understand he also doesn't turn to me exclusively to get his needs met.
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gambler
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"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
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Post by gambler on Jul 12, 2022 20:59:12 GMT -5
Pink, have you tried bird netting or chicken wire to keep your tomatoes safe,
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 12, 2022 20:59:53 GMT -5
I had to go get Abbys various stuff from the friends houses.
I wasn't rude but I wasn't friendly either. I said Abby left X here and I would like it back.
You don't want my kid playing with your kid that's fine but they then don't get to keep anything she left behind before you sent her home.
I've gone over our house nothing is here of theirs.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 12, 2022 21:00:32 GMT -5
I love, love, love being single. I don't do pair-bonding very well. After sex, I just want you to GO HOME. Being single is also why I rent. From taking out the garbage and recycling, to fixing hot water heaters and repairing the roof, to replacing faulty appliances to lawn and garden care.....I do none of it. It works for me. This describes me perfectly. I feel the same way. And me. As much as I love DN1, NIL and the Toddler, I really need my own space. I will be driving 7 or 8 hours tomorrow and will have my own space tomorrow evening.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 12, 2022 21:12:42 GMT -5
I think after reading all of this, I am very glad I followed through on my instincts not to marry either of the two men I was in love with. And we never lived together. A different reason with each one, but it was the correct decision both times.
I am with chiver on cleaning. My house would be so much cleaner if I didn't have two cats. So much cleaner. It's a constant chore. After being here 5 days, I realize now that I am correct that I could never have raised kids.
I would rather be the auntie that is loved.
The Toddler had a meltdown this morning when they got home. Tonight they went out for dinner to celebrate their wedding anniversary and he had another meltdown when they came home. The morning didn't last very long but the one this evening was over 3 hours. I could not do this every day. I don't know how they do it or any of you do it.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 12, 2022 23:23:51 GMT -5
I think after reading all of this, I am very glad I followed through on my instincts not to marry either of the two men I was in love with. And we never lived together. A different reason with each one, but it was the correct decision both times. I am with chiver on cleaning. My house would be so much cleaner if I didn't have two cats. So much cleaner. It's a constant chore. After being here 5 days, I realize now that I am correct that I could never have raised kids. I would rather be the auntie that is loved. The Toddler had a meltdown this morning when they got home. Tonight they went out for dinner to celebrate their wedding anniversary and he had another meltdown when they came home. The morning didn't last very long but the one this evening was over 3 hours. I could not do this every day. I don't know how they do it or any of you do it. At this point in my life, I couldn't do it long term either. Some days I'm ready to cry myself, after a short melt down. Most days I think it's harder because DD is home, so they play her. (Cry for her/don't let me help/don't listen to me, as well.) When she's not there, we don't have that problem.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jul 12, 2022 23:35:48 GMT -5
I'm procrastinating on my dissertation, so I just watched Destination Wedding with Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder. I didn't even know about the existence of this movie until today. I thought it was great.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Jul 13, 2022 2:57:02 GMT -5
ahh.....the hazards of going to bed early. I am now wide awake, likely for the day now. 🙄 I'll fart around on my phone for a bit and see if I can't fall asleep again. 🤷♀️
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 13, 2022 3:58:02 GMT -5
I've been hearing people outside my apartment for a while. Not real loud. Just unusual between 2-3 in the morning. I didn't give it much thought until I heard a big splash into the swimming pool, which is closed after 10pm. Oops. They just got caught.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jul 13, 2022 4:24:45 GMT -5
Good morning, fiercely independent invisipeeps. I hope your Wednesday offers equal opportunities for satisfying work, play and serene rest.
I definitely would not marry again. DH is my second husband and I had pretty much sworn off men/relationships entirely after the first.
I do believe DH and I were meant to be together. As the old saying goes, the rocks in my head fit the holes in his. I do most of the physical and mental labor to keep our household going, but I'm really good with that most of the time. I like working, including physically, and solving problems. When I'm unable he steps up and in. He is extremely supportive of me and my quirks. He feels while I think. He's a tremendous organizer while I make messes. It's a good match for me. We can disagree and not savage each other, but accept the disagreement or shrug it off. There are times when I just don't want the responsibility of making decisions, so turn it over to him. We love each other deeply. We each find in the other someone we cherish. There is no world in which this could happen twice.
That said, I'm very happy alone, too. I'm extremely introverted and generally find other people deplete me, except for family.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2022 7:02:44 GMT -5
The Toddler had a meltdown this morning when they got home. Tonight they went out for dinner to celebrate their wedding anniversary and he had another meltdown when they came home. The morning didn't last very long but the one this evening was over 3 hours. I could not do this every day. I don't know how they do it or any of you do it. I've never seen a 3-hour meltdown. That would drive me up a wall, too. When my granddaughters were that age, it was pretty easy to distract them e.g., "If you want to read a book, let me know" or, (when the older had a fit because she couldn't have the milk on Mommy's hospital breakfast tray when her baby sister was born), "I can't take you out into the halls kicking and screaming but if you quiet down we'll go to the visitor's pantry and you can get a snack". They generally decided they'd rather calm down and have fun with Grandma. Their brother angered a little more easily but now that he can talk and tell us what he wants he's much nicer. But yes, they're a handful. I wrangled all 3 into and out of car seats (the girls are in boosters, so much easier) to get them haircuts and take them for pizza and it's a challenge even though they're pretty good. I'm amazed at the number of my contemporaries who have ongoing child care commitments for their grandkids- as in, they provide free day care while the parents work. One friend was driving 12 hours to another town to take care of her grandson and coming home on the weekends - daughter was married but was a psychiatric nurse with odd hours. (Now friend is a caregiver after her own DH was seriously injured.) Another in NJ is trading off her 2 grandsons with the other grandmother, each for a couple of days and one day they're in daycare. Other Grandma also drives almost 2 hours to get there and stays overnight. I really value my peace and quiet at this age. I didn't have that option when DS was little- Ex's parents were deceased, mine lived several states away. Quiet day ahead- I didn't go out in the car at all yesterday but today I'm making a run to a place that accepts recycling. My trash hauler no longer picks up recyclables and they reduced the bill by only a pittance. I wonder how many people just throw it all in the trash, hidden in black bags, now.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jul 13, 2022 7:12:51 GMT -5
DH is emotionally stunted at age 22 when his illness and surgeries started. 18 surgeries, painful long recoveries, and his not being interested in doing any of the therapeutic emotional work put us where we are. I've been a fantastic caregiver and can clearly handle it all on my own including a high paying career so he's not left with much incentive. I'm beyond frustrated yet again. I'll be left scurrying around finishing the pickup before noon when the housecleaner arrives.
We're supposed to go to dinner tonight with friends and vacation next week so once again it feels best not to blow things up right now.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 13, 2022 7:40:04 GMT -5
We leave in 24 hours, and there's only one more load of laundry to do! (DH and I do operate very well as a team, sometimes).
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 13, 2022 7:56:05 GMT -5
I never lived on my own until DH died. All I do for excitement is move.furniture and foster cats. I have GOT to do something more but I still don't know what. I'm in a rut. Hang out with andi for a weekend. Just a suggestion.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Jul 13, 2022 8:08:48 GMT -5
I don’t think I would marry again if DH dies before me. I was single for about 15 years after my divorce and didn’t even date for much of that time. I’m sure I’ve told how I met DH before, but a friend introduced us even after I said I wasn’t interested in dating. He called me and we talked for several weeks before meeting. I knew once we met that I was smitten, but it took him several years to convince me to get married. We’ve had our struggles, but are a good match. I love him deeply and never expected to find love again so late in life.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 13, 2022 8:22:57 GMT -5
OK. Now I'm officially in panic mode.
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daisylu
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Post by daisylu on Jul 13, 2022 8:39:39 GMT -5
OK. Now I'm officially in panic mode.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 13, 2022 9:38:41 GMT -5
I have a love/hate relationship with summer here. Looove the weather, hate the sunrise.
We have light blocking shades in the bedroom, which work well when they are closed. Only problem is that they are now being left open for air circulation (no a/c). It gets so bright when sunrise hits I start waking up around 4 am. By about 6, I’m wide awake. Seriously thinking about doing some furniture rearranging in there, but……waterbed.
I have a love/hate relationship with the waterbed too. It is comfortable, especially with the massive scar tissue I have, but I have to get out in a way that will not make me dislocate. IOW don’t wait until the last minute!
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Jul 13, 2022 10:05:13 GMT -5
Random drive by update: DH is incredible. I don’t think I’d marry again bc I would never find anyone who would live up to him They are supposed to be calling me to present the job offer today and I’ve been waiting since 8 on an email to schedule the time for the call. Supposed to be doing some fairly dreary desk work, cannot concentrate for the life of me bc above and, We had a probable tornado tear through the neighborhood last night. No injuries, our property just lost a couple big branches and fence rails and power was out for several hours, but the destruction is incredible. We have a lot of old growth 60-90ft trees in the area and many of them lost branches, fell over, fell on houses. A block away one neighbor lost a deck and next to them there were 4-6 enormous trees that fell on that house. Some siding gone, a few branches punched through the roof of their game room. A big pine tree fell over and blocked the road, an old cherry had its branches twisted together till it looked like a pretzel. Across the street a 70ft walnut lost about half its branches. It’s really sobering. Again, people safe, just a big mess. I was really surprised that we didn’t even make the news but apparently the next neighborhood over got hit even worse. Not really in the mood for hardcore data interpretation rn
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