MIL money problem

[raeoflyte]

Mar 11, 2022 9:35:16 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Mar 10, 2022 21:53:15 GMT -5 azucena said:

We were able to have a civil conversation about it.  MIL has always been legally blind, but I guess it's been getting worse the last 6 months and the doctors are saying she will be completely 100% blind in less than a year.  I get tired of SIL exaggerating everything and anything and turning it into drama, so I'd checked out on all health conversations and had asked not to be told anything.  DH did go to an appt with them 2-3 months ago, and I guess that's where he heard that diagnosis too.  But he upheld my boundary and didn't bring it up.  So that means MIL will have a much harder time getting around to get groceries and such and that's what set this plan in motion.

I tried to explain the difference between our gifts to my family members and others as one off situations where they were bettering themselves, it was unexpected, anonymous, and giving from a joyous heart.  And then I tried to explain how this was setting SIL and MIL up to fail and an ongoing obligation.  His thinking is his sister is offering her share and he doesn't want to say no when we are blessed with money to spare.  And the biggest reason is it's his mama.  He offered up that she will be closer so he can see her more often and take the kids.  Two hours vs one hour doesn't make a difference as he doesn't go visit her now, like at all, and I didn't tell him but our girls aren't particularly interested in visiting this grandma for various reasons.

I tried to talk some sense into him about pushing back that she can't afford it.  He says her lease is up in May, so needs to happen now.  Pretty sure they'd go month to month but whatever.  I asked if she still had her final expense life insurance policy that I told her not to buy or at least only buy $5k.  Told him to find out how much it was per month (my guess is $75) and cut that to free up some cash.  When FIL passed unexpectedly about 10 yrs ago, we paid right around $10k for his funeral expenses with no help from any other family - no one even offered.  And money was somewhat tight for us back then.  This prompted his mom to buy a policy even though she was already 50-something and smoked so could only qualify for final expense with high prems.  Now, come to find out she's increased the death benefit to be able to leave SIL and DH an inheritance.  Um, talk about crazy shit.  We clearly don't need an inheritance and would much rather her take care of herself now and SIL will just waste it.  DH said MIL won't hear of canceling it because she's been paying it all these years already.  FACEPALM.  This is why I can't with these people.

In the end, I caved a bit and we agreed to gift her $250 towards moving expenses and that's it - closed door, end of story. I made it completely clear that this wasn't going to be open handout season.

I also attempted to have a civil discussion about going to counseling together and also said the gaming has to cut way back after we return from spring break.

I'm glad you came to a compromise but I noticed the above and I wanted to say he thinks that NOW.  My grandmother moved 45-50 minutes away from us my dad made it clear upfront he wasn't taking us out there all the time and wasn't going to be driving back and forth himself.   She was fine with this.

Yeah that was when my grandfather was alive and could drive.   Treynor is pretty close to being a literal one horse town there is NOTHING not even a grocery store out there.  For someone my age the drive to Council Bluffs for everything is a waste of gas but doable.  A little old lady with limited mobility though not so much.

That 45 minute drive became an absolute nightmare.  My dad couldn't exactly just leave her out there to rot.  Moving all the way out there when her only son and her two grandchildren live in CB was INCREDIBLY stupid.  That extra hour is going to become such an albatross around your neck when she gets to a point where she can't care for herself.

Moving a woman who is legally blind and soon to be 100% blind away from her current support network is insane.  I highly doubt SIL is going to step up and be her full time care giver.  What will likely happen is they will both start hitting you up for even more money to hire someone to care for MIL AND compensate SIL for all the "extra" she has to handle.

 Even if let's say she had to move out of her current apartment staying where she has friends staying where she is now still makes sense even if it is in a different department.  Moving to butt fuck Egypt with SIL who barely works is ludicrious.

Doesnt moving her put her closer to sil and azucena's dh though?

I'm a little skeptical of how much support she can really get from neighbors. Riding together to the grocery store is one thing, but I wouldn't assume those same people would actually do her shopping for her once she loses her eyesight completely.

I'm not saying the plan to move her makes sense, and maybe I missed it, but I didn't see anything that indicates she has a support system where she is, just some helpful neighbors which is oftentimes about convenience and not something that can be depended on.

[Lizard Queen]

Sounds like she really should move to some sort of assisted living place, though I don't know if those spots exist for Medicaid patients.

[Lizard Queen]

Azucena, sorry but if this has been weighing heavily on your husband's mind, and you made it clear you didn't want to hear about it, I could see why your only conversations would be about the kids, plus the escape into gaming. I've btdt with impossible elder care, and it can be an absolute nightmare.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mar 11, 2022 10:20:30 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Sounds like she really should move to some sort of assisted living place, though I don't know if those spots exist for Medicaid patients.

Depends on the city.  There are spots my mom has found in Omaha and they are in pretty decent facilities but it is up to my mom to call each and every single one of them to see if they take Medicaid patients.  There also isn't a lot of them so competition is pretty high.

Where my grandma is at they will continue to keep her if she goes on Medicaid but I don't believe they take them from the outside.

There are quite a few places here that have elderly apartments and you wend your way through the system as time goes on.  However NONE of them take blind people my parents are finding out because they have been looking for my GU.  Being blind doesn't qualify him for elder care.   It's really messed up but until/unless something happens like with my grandmother my dad is stuck dealing with GU.  He gets in home care but that is becoming an expensive nightmare of it's own.

[geenamercile]

reading over this my thoughts are fully mixed.  It does seem like MIL is going to need more support in the nearer future, and not sure a friends network will be able to provide the increase of support.  Moving closer to her daughter and son does seem to make sense in some ways.  Also moving when the lease is up makes sense, and if they went month to month, would that negate the rent control aspect?  I could see a land lord not agreeing to going month to month, just to get out of the rent control aspect.  I can also sympathize and understand your husband wanting to help his mom.  This would be a lot simpler if SIL wasn't so attached/mixed up in it, because I get the whole not wanting to help/support her either.  Worrying about college and your kids and wanting money to go there also makes sense. 

It sucks when it was brought up, and your deserve to celebrate your hard work paying off.  At the same time, with you not wanting to hear anything about the situation, would there have been a good time to bring it up?    

Overall just just sending sympathy for a complex/messy/sucky situation.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mar 11, 2022 10:14:47 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Mar 11, 2022 9:35:16 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I'm glad you came to a compromise but I noticed the above and I wanted to say he thinks that NOW.  My grandmother moved 45-50 minutes away from us my dad made it clear upfront he wasn't taking us out there all the time and wasn't going to be driving back and forth himself.   She was fine with this.

Yeah that was when my grandfather was alive and could drive.   Treynor is pretty close to being a literal one horse town there is NOTHING not even a grocery store out there.  For someone my age the drive to Council Bluffs for everything is a waste of gas but doable.  A little old lady with limited mobility though not so much.

That 45 minute drive became an absolute nightmare.  My dad couldn't exactly just leave her out there to rot.  Moving all the way out there when her only son and her two grandchildren live in CB was INCREDIBLY stupid.  That extra hour is going to become such an albatross around your neck when she gets to a point where she can't care for herself.

Moving a woman who is legally blind and soon to be 100% blind away from her current support network is insane.  I highly doubt SIL is going to step up and be her full time care giver.  What will likely happen is they will both start hitting you up for even more money to hire someone to care for MIL AND compensate SIL for all the "extra" she has to handle.

 Even if let's say she had to move out of her current apartment staying where she has friends staying where she is now still makes sense even if it is in a different department.  Moving to butt fuck Egypt with SIL who barely works is ludicrious.

Doesnt moving her put her closer to sil and azucena's dh though?

I'm a little skeptical of how much support she can really get from neighbors. Riding together to the grocery store is one thing, but I wouldn't assume those same people would actually do her shopping for her once she loses her eyesight completely.

I'm not saying the plan to move her makes sense, and maybe I missed it, but I didn't see anything that indicates she has a support system where she is, just some helpful neighbors which is oftentimes about convenience and not something that can be depended on.

From the way I read it and I may be wrong is it is further away from DH but closer to SIL. AND she's giving up a rent controlled apartment for something that is likely going to continue to climb out of her price range.

To me it would make sense to move her if SIL actually cared for MIL but it sounds like she just does it to work under the table.   I personally have a suspicion this has been brought up because then SIL might get herself new digs she can't afford because after all she'll need to move into care for MIL.

It would make far more sense to offer to move SIL if the intent really is that SIL wants to help care for MIL.  SIL doesn't have an actual job, homeschools her kids so there isn't a lot tying her to where she is now.  Then that buys time without OP having to shell out $200/month to pay rent.

It sounds like this was a spur of the moment thing that SIL and MIL cooked up between themselves and then figured they could guilt the OP into footing a chunk of the bill.   What is their plan going to be now that OP has decided absolutely not?  If this was truly about MIL's well being why wasn't the OP and her husband brought into it until it was time for the hand out?

Maybe I am projecting but having a brother who can't seem to keep a steady stream of income himself (and also blows his stimulus and refunds on "fun" things) and then watching the consequences of decisions made going back to when I was in HS in regards to old people this proposed move has about a bajillion red flags waving.

They can't stop her from moving but I am glad OP put her foot down on paying part of the rent and I also think both of them should outline all the pitfalls of MIL making this move.  Then if MIL decides to it anyhow they at least tried and they are all on the same page now.

If they continue to insist OP and her husband foot part of the costs then they should get equal say in where she lives and create boundaries regarding SIL and her kids.  

[raeoflyte]

I'm not getting as many malicious vibes from sil as I am ignorant. Maybe willfully ignorant, but change is hard, and it is a tough situation regardless- complicated of course by poor decisions.

We're not at this point yet, but I worry about it. I have a tense relationship with dh's parents and they are likely to need help financially and physically. It will be a very difficult time for us.

[saveinla]

We have made peace with this by allocating money for family. We know that everyone here has very clear boundaries, but unfortunately, we do not. We don't want to have regrets later when we could have helped them -  after all its only money and we cannot take it with us.

We know that giving money means we may be enabling them, but we cannot make people change.

We give to other charity, so how is this different from that? That's our thinking and I know I will be blasted for this, but it is what it is. Sometimes we feel resentful, but alas we are human . 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mar 11, 2022 11:46:33 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I'm not getting as many malicious vibes from sil as I am ignorant. Maybe willfully ignorant, but change is hard, and it is a tough situation regardless- complicated of course by poor decisions.

We're not at this point yet, but I worry about it. I have a tense relationship with dh's parents and they are likely to need help financially and physically. It will be a very difficult time for us.

I don't know if she is deliberately malicious I think she's stupid like my brother.  We fortunately live in the same city but if not I would be extremely against moving my parents to where he was located if we were in that position today.  Either he would need to move back or I would assume majority support because I am in a better position to weather it.  I'd be fine reimbursing him costs for helping out but no I wouldn't be supportive of my parents moving there given my brother's current and past history with being an adult.

I definitely wouldn't trust him to pay any portion of anyone's rent.  I don't think my brother would ever intend to screw me deliberately but I know how he handles money and how unreliable he is for a steady stream of it.  Not only no but HELL no, especially if there is potential I end up supporting him via osmosis in the process.  Again I don't think he'd intend to be a mooch but I could see a slow descent to now I'm supporting three people.   

DH and I have actually already discussed that part.  I'm willing to help my parents but my brother does not come along for the ride.

If you want my financial help then I get a say.  You don't present me with a bill for $200 a month and expect me to pony up.

Maybe moving her to where SIL is a better idea but that should have been a joint decision between siblings.  It is unfair to make it and then expect the OP to pony up.  What is the back up plan if OP said no to $200 a month indefinite support?   

That is the part that would bother/irritate me the most about it.  That SIL and MIL decided FOR me that this is how it will happen and you can just give me $200 a month with no end date in sight?  Sound good?

It all around sounds like a codependent family situation that rarely ends well once you got yourself sucked into it.   It never works out for the person they are turning to for that extra support.  Better to put boundaries/demands/whatever in place now before her lease is up and then she has no place to live but there. She's still got options at the moment.  Then if she still does it it's with full knowledge they aren't getting a bonus $200/month they'll have to find it elsewhere.

[azucena]

SIL does help MIL, and I appreciate her for that as she's carrying most of that load.  DH and I help with some doctor's appts, finding new doctors, and DH probably helps with minor things that I'm not aware of.

He had two weeks notice about the move, but knew about the eyesight far longer.  I've been there, done that, with so many false alarms from SIL and health scares about her and MIL that I've completely tuned those out.  They would always magically have a health scare when DH was hospitalized and we needed emotional support, so I'm over it.  It's a boundary that I need.

MIL currently lives two hours from us, one hour from SIL in the opposite direction.  So she'll be within an hour of us now, but I'll be surprised if DH visits.  Honestly, he's outgrown that upbringing so while she's still his mom, they aren't close.  I wouldn't say he's close with SIL either - he is 5 yrs older and was always way more responsible for family stuff than she was growing up.

After he slept on it again last night, he agreed that we should not get emmeshed in an ongoing obligation.  He said he's too close to the situation to see that, and he's also way more optimistic than me.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mar 11, 2022 13:10:25 GMT -5 azucena said:

SIL does help MIL, and I appreciate her for that as she's carrying most of that load.  DH and I help with some doctor's appts, finding new doctors, and DH probably helps with minor things that I'm not aware of.

He had two weeks notice about the move, but knew about the eyesight far longer.  I've been there, done that, with so many false alarms from SIL and health scares about her and MIL that I've completely tuned those out.  They would always magically have a health scare when DH was hospitalized and we needed emotional support, so I'm over it.  It's a boundary that I need.

MIL currently lives two hours from us, one hour from SIL in the opposite direction.  So she'll be within an hour of us now, but I'll be surprised if DH visits.  Honestly, he's outgrown that upbringing so while she's still his mom, they aren't close.  I wouldn't say he's close with SIL either - he is 5 yrs older and was always way more responsible for family stuff than she was growing up.

After he slept on it again last night, he agreed that we should not get emmeshed in an ongoing obligation.  He said he's too close to the situation to see that, and he's also way more optimistic than me.

I am glad you guys are on the same page now.  That is what is important regardless of what SIL and MIL do.

[geenamercile]

I won't ever give my parents money.  I may pay something directly and I do take a car load of food down to them when I visit, but giving them cash would be a no.  They have actually gotten better once they got S.S, which really does cover all their bills and life style.  They have no debt, house and land was paid for by my grandmothers.  The issue may be is when one of them passes, specially if it is my mom first.  I don't see either of them choosing to move off the mountain, but it will be what it will be. 

 
I can also see where with homeschooling, where the SIL could potentially take the kids to MIL house and home school there while also helping around the house depending on age of kids and what home school program she is doing. 

On the other hand I know when I was with the girls father and I was the bread winner, and the money person I would often have a gut reaction when he would out of the blue come to me with an idea on how we should spend the money (this would be an every few month thing, but normally a 1 time expense, but yes it always seemed to happen when we would have some snowflake money of some type).  It wasn't so much a reaction on this is a my money reaction, but a I spend every month doing this, you don't care about the finances until you do thing and then have no idea on how they work.  I just got very use to planning it all myself, and here he comes throwing a wrench into my plans thing.        

Edited to take this out--- "From what was posted it does sound like it was a joint conversation between siblings, just not with Azucena. I am pulling that thought from the fact that her DH had a plan about using his fun money as a back up plan. "  I missed an update, yea 2 week notice is not enough time for a joint conversation. 

[raeoflyte]

Mar 11, 2022 12:38:59 GMT -5 saveinla said:

We have made peace with this by allocating money for family. We know that everyone here has very clear boundaries, but unfortunately, we do not. We don't want to have regrets later when we could have helped them -  after all its only money and we cannot take it with us.

We know that giving money means we may be enabling them, but we cannot make people change.

We give to other charity, so how is this different from that? That's our thinking and I know I will be blasted for this, but it is what it is. Sometimes we feel resentful, but alas we are human . 

No blasting here. My parents have made this choice and I expect I will with my sister if needed.

[raeoflyte]

Mar 11, 2022 13:10:25 GMT -5 azucena said:

SIL does help MIL, and I appreciate her for that as she's carrying most of that load.  DH and I help with some doctor's appts, finding new doctors, and DH probably helps with minor things that I'm not aware of.

He had two weeks notice about the move, but knew about the eyesight far longer.  I've been there, done that, with so many false alarms from SIL and health scares about her and MIL that I've completely tuned those out.  They would always magically have a health scare when DH was hospitalized and we needed emotional support, so I'm over it.  It's a boundary that I need.

MIL currently lives two hours from us, one hour from SIL in the opposite direction.  So she'll be within an hour of us now, but I'll be surprised if DH visits.  Honestly, he's outgrown that upbringing so while she's still his mom, they aren't close.  I wouldn't say he's close with SIL either - he is 5 yrs older and was always way more responsible for family stuff than she was growing up.

After he slept on it again last night, he agreed that we should not get emmeshed in an ongoing obligation.  He said he's too close to the situation to see that, and he's also way more optimistic than me.

That's a great update.

[Rukh O'Rorke]

haven't read everything, but I can see it is very complex, and layered with implications and past issues.

would it help if you consider this an ongoing charitable contribution? 

then saying that - are there charities for sight-impaired elderly that your MIL can benefit from?

[tskeeter]

Mar 11, 2022 13:25:27 GMT -5 geenamercile said:

I won't ever give my parents money.  I may pay something directly and I do take a car load of food down to them when I visit, but giving them cash would be a no.  They have actually gotten better once they got S.S, which really does cover all their bills and life style.  They have no debt, house and land was paid for by my grandmothers.  The issue may be is when one of them passes, specially if it is my mom first.  I don't see either of them choosing to move off the mountain, but it will be what it will be. 

 
I can also see where with homeschooling, where the SIL could potentially take the kids to MIL house and home school there while also helping around the house depending on age of kids and what home school program she is doing. 

On the other hand I know when I was with the girls father and I was the bread winner, and the money person I would often have a gut reaction when he would out of the blue come to me with an idea on how we should spend the money (this would be an every few month thing, but normally a 1 time expense, but yes it always seemed to happen when we would have some snowflake money of some type).  It wasn't so much a reaction on this is a my money reaction, but a I spend every month doing this, you don't care about the finances until you do thing and then have no idea on how they work.  I just got very use to planning it all myself, and here he comes throwing a wrench into my plans thing.        

Edited to take this out--- "From what was posted it does sound like it was a joint conversation between siblings, just not with Azucena. I am pulling that thought from the fact that her DH had a plan about using his fun money as a back up plan. "  I missed an update, yea 2 week notice is not enough time for a joint conversation. 

Regarding your parents, is the reduction of SS benefits when one of them passes away on everyone’s radar?  It sounds like SS is just enough to cover the bills now.  Will SS still cover the bills when benefits decrease by 1/3or more on the first death?

It was quite a surprise for my MIL that their family SS benefits dropped by about $15K a year after my FIL’s death.  She had never considered that the SS benefits would change after one of them passed away.

[Deleted]

Mar 11, 2022 13:54:10 GMT -5 tskeeter said:

Regarding your parents, is the reduction of SS benefits when one of them passes away on everyone’s radar?  It sounds like SS is just enough to cover the bills now.  Will SS still cover the bills when benefits decrease by 1/3or more on the first death?

It was quite a surprise for my MIL that their family SS benefits dropped by about $15K a year after my FIL’s death.  She had never considered that the SS benefits would change after one of them passed away.

That's sad and I see it happen a lot, including 3 women in my church. The info is readily available on the SS site as well as many other financial advice/planning sites but so many people seem to be unaware till it hits them.

[geenamercile]

Mar 11, 2022 13:54:10 GMT -5 tskeeter said:

Mar 11, 2022 13:25:27 GMT -5 geenamercile said:

I won't ever give my parents money.  I may pay something directly and I do take a car load of food down to them when I visit, but giving them cash would be a no.  They have actually gotten better once they got S.S, which really does cover all their bills and life style.  They have no debt, house and land was paid for by my grandmothers.  The issue may be is when one of them passes, specially if it is my mom first.  I don't see either of them choosing to move off the mountain, but it will be what it will be. 

 
I can also see where with homeschooling, where the SIL could potentially take the kids to MIL house and home school there while also helping around the house depending on age of kids and what home school program she is doing. 

On the other hand I know when I was with the girls father and I was the bread winner, and the money person I would often have a gut reaction when he would out of the blue come to me with an idea on how we should spend the money (this would be an every few month thing, but normally a 1 time expense, but yes it always seemed to happen when we would have some snowflake money of some type).  It wasn't so much a reaction on this is a my money reaction, but a I spend every month doing this, you don't care about the finances until you do thing and then have no idea on how they work.  I just got very use to planning it all myself, and here he comes throwing a wrench into my plans thing.        

Edited to take this out--- "From what was posted it does sound like it was a joint conversation between siblings, just not with Azucena. I am pulling that thought from the fact that her DH had a plan about using his fun money as a back up plan. "  I missed an update, yea 2 week notice is not enough time for a joint conversation. 

Regarding your parents, is the reduction of SS benefits when one of them passes away on everyone’s radar?  It sounds like SS is just enough to cover the bills now.  Will SS still cover the bills when benefits decrease by 1/3or more on the first death?

It was quite a surprise for my MIL that their family SS benefits dropped by about $15K a year after my FIL’s death.  She had never considered that the SS benefits would change after one of them passed away.

In all honesty, if either cut out the drinking and pot S.S would most likely be enough for either of them on their own.  They are on Medicare and food stamps, and what ever else program there is.  The main concern would be heating, since the only heat they have is wood.  They have 50 acres of forest however, so it is more the cutting the trees and wood and stacking it that will be an issue.  The only monthly bill they have is electric, that is around 75 a month and car insurance and their cell phone bills, which are cheap plans for seniors.  Personal property tax on the land could be an issue, but where they are at has a program for seniors where if you don't pay they just put leans on the property until you sell or die (as far as I know that is caught up currently).  The biggest concern is my dad's brain power, it isn't there he has damage from life style and the fall he took from a roof.  If my mom goes first I will have to set something up where the bills come out of my dad's account automatically, and help him with the paperwork for the programs they are in.  If my dad goes first, we will have to figure out something with the wood for the heat.  The house they live in is 3 rooms old shack.  Kitchen, main room and bathroom.  I have a pulse on things with them, but mostly stay out of it, as they age I will readjust what I need to do to help but honestly when I say they will both die on the mountain it will be by their choice.  They are hermits by choice as well.    


My aunt and I ran numbers when my uncle passed.  She has a fair amount of savings and between her SS when it kicks in and the survivor benefits on my uncles the pension she will have around an extra 1200 a month once bills/food/ect are accounted for.  But I do see a greater chance of doing things like driving her places later on and stuff.  For example she can't drive at night anymore, we are going out to dinner so I am picking her up.  The house she has also has a MIL suite set up in the bottom half where it could almost be like 2 apartments.  Her thoughts was it opens the idea that at some time she could have a live in home care giver if needed.  My cousin and I both have a pulse with her, but I also keep in mind there is only like a 10 year age difference between her and my cousins, so that may be a bigger role in the future as well.                  

[geenamercile]

and in case anyone is wondering.... the stove in their kitchen is a wood stove as well.  It is a time warp visiting them.

[Rukh O'Rorke]

Mar 11, 2022 15:11:54 GMT -5 geenamercile said:

and in case anyone is wondering.... the stove in their kitchen is a wood stove as well.  It is a time warp visiting them.

wht happens if they get too old/infirm to chop all that wood?

[geenamercile]

That is why I had said this-"The main concern would be heating, since the only heat they have is wood. They have 50 acres of forest however, so it is more the cutting the trees and wood and stacking it that will be an issue."  The options would be to buy wood, pay someone to come in during the year to cut down trees and then later come back to chop and stack, or make a deal with someone where they can cut down trees on the land and my parents get a portion of the wood.  Paying someone to come in and do it, or the trade would most likely be the cheapest ways to go.      

They have a tractor to pull the trees down the mountain, and a gas wood splinter, although my dad still does most of the splitting with an axe.   

[Deleted]

geenamercile your parents sound like interesting people. I don’t mean that in a bad way. 

azucena I am glad you and your DH were able to talk about it more and come to an agreement. 

Do you think that maybe DH can see that he should’ve been included in the discussions and planning so he could talk it over with you before decisions were made, instead of being told what’s going to happen and how much you 2 need to contribute? That’s the part that would irritate me the most with that particular situation, but that’s just me, and I understand everybody is different.

[Deleted]

Mar 11, 2022 12:38:59 GMT -5 saveinla said:

We have made peace with this by allocating money for family. We know that everyone here has very clear boundaries, but unfortunately, we do not. We don't want to have regrets later when we could have helped them -  after all its only money and we cannot take it with us.

We know that giving money means we may be enabling them, but we cannot make people change.

We give to other charity, so how is this different from that? That's our thinking and I know I will be blasted for this, but it is what it is. Sometimes we feel resentful, but alas we are human . 

No blasting from me, because I understand.

My Grandmother set the example that family looks out for each other. I grew up watching her do that, and believing it was the right thing to do. I still kinda believe it, but I was not prepared for family that take advantage of that and are willing to abuse it. So I had no choice but to learn better boundaries because I can’t lose everything I’ve worked for, trying to help somebody that’s not even trying to help themselves, even if it is family. And that’s exactly what would happen if I let my Mom have her way with everything she’s tried to demand of me. That is not an exaggeration. I learned it the hard way. She doesn’t have any “stopping” sense…. the more you do, the more she expects or asks for. She won’t stop, you have to stop her. She has literally burned all of her bridges, family and friends, including her only sibling. Our Pastor and our church members won’t even deal with her anymore, which says a lot. I’ve known our Pastor over 30 years, and he is a genuinely good man, one of the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever known, and even he has finally cut her loose.

I use to not be able to imagine my family or even my closest friends being homeless as long as I had a home. Even if i only had a sofa or a pallet on the floor to offer, they could at least have a safe place to lay their head while they regroup. Unfortunately, my experience with that has led to me now being adamant about not letting ANYONE live with me ever again.

My Aunt still feels bad because she felt like my Mom was up to no good coming to my house when she got out of the hospital, but by the time my Aunt called me to tell me not to do it, it was too late, I’d already agreed. I tell my Aunt that it’s okay when she brings it up, because I can at least honestly say I tried my best to help my Mom. It went sideways, but I still don’t regret my initial decision because I don’t have to wonder if maybe if I’d done more, my Mom would be in a better place now. It helps my conscience to know I did everything I could to try to help her. Came home from work aching, and cleaned up whatever mess she’d made in my house during the day, researched what kind of diet she needed to help her lose weight and cooked healthy meals every day even though I’d stopped cooking regularly several years prior, chauffeured her to Doctor’s appointments even if I had to take off work, hurt myself several times trying to help her get in/out the shower or off the floor after she fell (she’s a lot bigger than me, was more than twice my weight at the time) and sometimes missed work because of it since my job is physically demanding and I was already in a lot of pain, made sure she had everything she needed even if she’d spent all her money shopping and couldn’t pay for her needs, and spent a WHOLE LOT of money. Stressed myself all the way out trying to fix her problems and was totally miserable the whole time. So miserable that my stomach would start hurting every day as I got closer to my house on my way home from work and I cried a lot.

I did more than my part. It’s not my fault she wouldn’t cooperate, sabotaged many of my efforts to help her, refused to do anything for herself, and refused to uphold her end of the agreements we made. I’m glad I understand that her refusal to take responsibility for herself, her health and her life is not my fault….. for my own sake, because I’m still that person that wants to help the people I care about, however I can. 

So, I do understand where you are coming from. My Mom is just very, very EXTRA lol.