MIL money problem

[Lizard Queen]

It does seem like something has to give with the MIL situation. Not saying this plan makes any sense, because it doesn't. But I wouldn't discount that she needs more help as she gets older.

[azucena]

Mar 10, 2022 10:22:23 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Mar 10, 2022 10:10:02 GMT -5 giramomma said:

At the end of the day, it's not a MIL problem or SIL problem. It's a DuH problem.

It's not a money problem either.  With 250K combined income the $200/month probably isn't a big deal which is I'm sure what her husband is thinking.  He's overlooking the main reason azucena is opposed to doing this. 

Both of these posts nailed it. 

This quote from Fin was dead on too "There may be times when it makes sense to you (both) to provide a one-time gift, as you've done in the past. That is your comfort level. And one-time gifts are thoughtfully chosen knowing that they'll do real good"

I'm hurt that he chose this topic to finally have a non-kid conversation with me and to choose it on that day and limit my glee over getting paid bank for working so, so hard and always being stressed.

SIL wouldn't move as she has her own support/friend network.  I don't think she's intentionally putting MIL in a bad place.  SIL just really isn't that bright and clearly has no money sense.  MIL is completely independent except for driving but has friends in the building that drive.  She doesn't even need cleaning help but that racket has been going on for years.

We've always been very clear that we wouldn't let her go hungry or without power or something, but we also wouldn't want them to know we were helping.

My salary is a surreal amount of money for us both given our family backgrounds, so it would be easy to say yes but this isn't a need.  Our kids aren't going get fin aid for college like we did.

[azucena]

Mar 10, 2022 10:35:20 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

It does seem like something has to give with the MIL situation. Not saying this plan makes any sense, because it doesn't. But I wouldn't discount that she needs more help as she gets older.

Agreed and it's a looming fear.  Was thinking we had 5-10 yrs yet though.  DH has always said she would never live with us.

[dannylion]

The "NO," full stop, response would be my choice.  We all know the $200/mo is just the tip of the iceberg and will never stop, only escalate.  The next step for you and your DH at this point might be to consider whether marriage counseling would benefit you in terms of communication options, reviewing shared goals and values, getting an objective perspective on in-law issues and being on the same page with respect to same, etc.  You need to have a plan for future requests that you can both live with and stick to without resentment because this problem isn't going to go away and could very well exacerbate any other issues that currently exist or come up in the future.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mar 10, 2022 10:45:36 GMT -5 azucena said:

Mar 10, 2022 10:35:20 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

It does seem like something has to give with the MIL situation. Not saying this plan makes any sense, because it doesn't. But I wouldn't discount that she needs more help as she gets older.

Agreed and it's a looming fear.  Was thinking we had 5-10 yrs yet though.  DH has always said she would never live with us.

That might be something to bring up.  You help her now with this idiotic move then there may come a point when you can't help when she actually needs it.  Her moving is NOT a need right now.

Also this could speed up her needing that help sooner because she's moving somewhere more expensive and away from her support network. 

Not to mention the possibility SIL moves in to "care" for MIL and now you are supporting both their asses.  Good luck rooting SIL out once that happens.

There is helping as they get older and there is enabling stupid decisions.   Your MIL makes this choice she should have to make it on her own with the full consequences of those decisions.  She's only in her 60's that's possibly a long time to be subsidizing someone's rent and then also potentially be expected to help her out with her needs as she ages.  She's got a good thing going right now.   You agreeing to this is enabling her to put herself and you guys in a potentially bad bind.

He needs to look long long term regarding this decision not immediate future.  

I'm watching my dad deal with the consequences of older people being enabled to live away from their support networks.  Being an only child he at least has going for him he doesn't have to worry about a mooching sibling.  All these decisions were made when they were "younger" for various reasons logical known to them reasons.  Worked awesome for them at the time and now it's come back to haunt everyone because they didn't once stop to think about the impact of getting older.

Sure theoretically it may never come back to bite you financially in any significant manner but the emotional labor that may come with dealing with her having moved out there later is a serious burden to consider.  

[Deleted]

A practical question for the short run:  would MIL even qualify for a new rental that costs $200/month more?  She's very low-income and my guess is that even if SIL were willing to co-sign, her credit rating is probably awful and she has minimal (documented) income.

[azucena]

This is where my rule of staying out of it hurts me because I don't know the details.  That's where I'll try to start the conversation tonight to see if there's any way to put this problem back in the box.

It's going to be a long, uncomfortable car ride to the beach this weekend.  Someone suggested counseling both for myself and us together.  My counselor retired, and I meet with a new one next one.  Fingers crossed it's a connection.  Marriage issues are at the top of my list.  We have done counseling together off and on through the years.  I honestly think he's depressed, but he won't hear of that and has refused to do his own counseling.  Another start has to come from this drama.

[NastyWoman]

Mar 10, 2022 9:04:30 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Mar 10, 2022 8:59:02 GMT -5 resolution said:

Is there any way you could pay to move SIL to be closer the MIL, so MIL could stay in the rent controlled apartment and her friend community? How is she expecting to qualify for the apartment if she only has $400 per month to spend? I am more concerned about the unlimited rent increases over time than the initial $200. Rents have almost doubled in the past few years in some areas, and if $400 is her hard limit, you might be left covering the full increase.

If you are spending money on your side of the family, I could see how your husband might want to spend money on his side of the family as well. In your situation I would probably set a budget for family giving and keep it similar for both sides of the family. 

She homeschools, and cleans MIL's apartment for a "job".  Sure seems to make more sense to me for her to move.

However keep in mind that if this is the " solution" you better start saving for a 3 person retirement. Once SIL is retirement age she will have very little to no income but she will have learned to milk her brother (and by extension you) for financial support - after all you can afford it.! Retirement may be still quite a way off into the future for you but it will come...

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mar 10, 2022 12:21:27 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

A practical question for the short run:  would MIL even qualify for a new rental that costs $200/month more?  She's very low-income and my guess is that even if SIL were willing to co-sign, her credit rating is probably awful and she has minimal (documented) income.

If she doesn't qualify for it I imagine the next angle will be SIL asking the OP to be a co-signer on top of the $200/month.  

SIL can move she has no job tying her down to where she is now.   She "homeschools" so she doesn't have to worry about her kids switching schools.  It makes way more sense than moving a blind woman with limited income out of her rent controlled apartment.

I lean towards this is to get the SIL better living digs disguised as "helping" her mother.  And MIL is enabling it.

[cooper88]

MIL could stay where she is. SIL could stay where she is. Medicaid can pay for a caregiver that is not a family member, and SIL wouldn't need to travel there daily, or four times a week, or whatever. SIL would also be free to pick up work close to home.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mar 10, 2022 12:57:38 GMT -5 cooper88 said:

MIL could stay where she is. SIL could stay where she is. Medicaid can pay for a caregiver that is not a family member, and SIL wouldn't need to travel there daily, or four times a week, or whatever. SIL would also be free to pick up work close to home.

Methinks SIL likes working under the table and getting a massive refund.  A pettier person would report it. 

[Deleted]

Mar 10, 2022 13:07:58 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

]Methinks SIL likes working under the table and getting a massive refund.  A pettier person would report it. 

And the OP has mentioned that SIL is fabricating extra hours so she'd lose that if they got an unrelated person to help MIL.  That part makes me sick.  I see ads in my area offering to sign people up to get paid caring for loved ones (the fine print always says the loved ones must be on Medicaid) and the intention is good.  Recognize that caregiving is hard work and can prevent you from holding down another paying job, and have people cared for by someone near and dear to them (under ideal circumstances).  Now I wonder how much of this padding goes on.

[plugginaway22]

The key for me was you saying that college savings were not there. Definite no, but as someone else said, one off help when truly needed.

[raeoflyte]

Mar 10, 2022 13:28:49 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Mar 10, 2022 13:07:58 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

]Methinks SIL likes working under the table and getting a massive refund.  A pettier person would report it. 

And the OP has mentioned that SIL is fabricating extra hours so she'd lose that if they got an unrelated person to help MIL.  That part makes me sick.  I see ads in my area offering to sign people up to get paid caring for loved ones (the fine print always says the loved ones must be on Medicaid) and the intention is good.  Recognize that caregiving is hard work and can prevent you from holding down another paying job, and have people cared for by someone near and dear to them (under ideal circumstances).  Now I wonder how much of this padding goes on.

Even for the abuse that sometimes happens its a hell of a lot cheaper than moving people into assisted living or skilled nursing facilities. I have a few clients every year who are making some money from these arrangements, but the most they make is maybe $1500 a month (to live with the family member). There are so many other places to fight the spending and potential fraud before going after these kinds of programs.

[TheOtherMe]

Sister's former tenant was making money by being caretaker in his rented home for a family member.  I no longer remember who the family member was.  He quit paying rent so they evicted him.  When they went to clean out the house, it was full of drug paraphenelia so the house is just sitting there and deteriorating.  

That money stops when the person dies and the person he was caretaking  died and he had no money because he had quit his job.

In this case, that time will come for the SIL.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mar 10, 2022 16:48:07 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Sister's former tenant was making money by being caretaker in his rented home for a family member.  I no longer remember who the family member was.  He quit paying rent so they evicted him.  When they went to clean out the house, it was full of drug paraphenelia so the house is just sitting there and deteriorating.  

That money stops when the person dies and the person he was caretaking  died and he had no money because he had quit his job.

In this case, that time will come for the SIL.

Yep and then guess who would end up having fun trying to evict the SIL out of the apartment once she can no longer pay?

Would all these scenarios happen, possibly not but you can't be sure.  I would not be comfortable with the risks involved on your end or MIL's end.  What happens if you can't pay for awhile because DuH gets sick again?  What happens if SIL starts to refuse to pay her share and doesn't tell you until the last moment hoping you'll be guilted into paying?   

MIL and SIL will hold this over your head the rest of your life. After all you don't want MIL to end up homeless do you?   You'd be given them a tremendous amount of emotional blackmail. 

Your DH can't see that because it's his normal he was raised with these people. He's not going to recognize how unhealthy this is.  You unfortunately have to be the one to put up boundaries.

No way would I agree to this with people who make such poor life choices.  I wouldn't in this scenario for even people who make good decisions though I would admitedly feel more guilty.

[Deleted]

Mar 10, 2022 15:21:57 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Even for the abuse that sometimes happens its a hell of a lot cheaper than moving people into assisted living or skilled nursing facilities. I have a few clients every year who are making some money from these arrangements, but the most they make is maybe $1500 a month (to live with the family member). There are so many other places to fight the spending and potential fraud before going after these kinds of programs.

I agree- it's a very good program and a win for the taxpayers, the caregivers and the people who need care. I just hate to see fraud in any taxpayer-supported program.

[Deleted]

Congratulations on your raise and bonus!

Mister and I aren’t married and haven’t been together for as long as you and your DH have. Nor are our finances handled jointly. We both manage our individual income, and we have 1 joint savings account that we both contribute to. So not the exact same situation as yours.

His parents aren’t the best at managing their money, but they are independent. Mister loans his Dad money sometimes, I have no issue with that. My Mom is the problem. I keep my Mom as MY problem, not our problem. My Aunt (Mom’s older sister) who has been married over 40 years, confirmed my thinking on that when she cautioned me after Mister and I moved, to not let my Mom and her mess strain my relationship with Mister.

My Mom’s attitude pretty much sucks, she feels like whoever she asks for money should just give it to her, especially me. She’s complained to my daughter that she knows Mister and I “have money” and I won’t even give her $100 if she asks for it. Well, that attitude is the reason why. She seems to think she is entitled to Mister’s money now too, because he’s my life partner, so if I tell her I don’t have any money to give her, I should just get it from Mister and give it to her. Not gonna happen! I don’t even know if Mister would have an issue with it…. it doesn’t matter, because I have an issue with it.

I use to say the same things you do, that I would never let her be homeless or hungry. Well, that thinking plus my desire to try to help when SHE said Doctors at the hospital she was in said she couldn’t go home to live by herself when she was released, is the cause of my predicament for the last few years. In hindsight, I realized nobody at the hospital told ME that, and I started wondering if she was even telling the truth.

When she first came to my house, I asked her to give me $200/month. My cable bill increased, adding cable to the bedroom she was in, my utility bill increased because someone was at my house 24/7, and my grocery costs increased to $700 or $800/month because I was trying to provide her with healthy food to help her lose weight so she could get her hip replaced. While she was going behind my back eating whatever she wanted.

Some months she messed up her entire SS check, shopping and overdrafting her account to the point that when her SS was deposited, she owed the entire amount to her bank, and had no money to live on. Those months, not only did she not give me the $200, I had to pay for all of her medicine and everything else she needed for that month. She knew way ahead of time that I was planning to move, she made no effort to move before I did. I really think she assumed I would bring her with me. HELL NO! She’d already shown me all the reasons that was a terrible idea. So then I had to fight with her and eventually act ugly because I refused to let her live in my house for free, especially since I was still paying on a mortgage every month. I finally acted ugly enough that she understood she’d damaged our relationship so badly by mistreating and using me, that I was finally on my way to being able to go through the process of legally evicting her, and she stopped playing and started paying. 

It’s more than what she should pay for housing on her income, but I keep telling her I’m not forcing her to live there and I’d be better off if she didn’t and I was getting fair market rent from a stranger I would have no problem evicting. All the years I’ve said I wouldn’t want her to be homeless bites me in the butt now, because that’s exactly what she’d be if I ever get my nerves right to evict her. She sold my Grandmother’s house for $6k (yes, you read that right) and she has bad credit, where would she go? I don’t tell her about my worries about her being homeless, but they are real nonetheless.

Anyway, my point is this….. your in-laws may not be the same type of person my Mom is, or as bad as she is, but I caution you to understand that once you start “helping” by committing to $200/month, first it’s NEVER going to stop and second, it’s going to be more and more money as time goes on, for this reason and that reason and some more reasons. For you, there’s also the complication that your SIL *needs* the income from whatever she has going on with your MIL. My brother needed/needs my Mom too, so I understand that also. For me, it wasn’t much of a problem to make it clear that my Mom and my brother are NOT a package deal for me, he’s on his own as far as I’m concerned.

I can’t let my Mom get in my pockets to the point it affects my household and my relationship. That’s ME not wanting that, Mister might not even care, for all I know. But I care, so I won’t allow it. If whatever she claims she needs is too much for whatever “spending money” I have on hand, I don’t have it. End of story.

Mister’s Mom has some serious health issues, and I can see them needing real help as they get older, especially if his Dad’s health starts failing. Mister’s income is quite a bit larger than mine, and while I would expect him to talk to me about it before committing to a regular, specific amount of money to help them, it’s not something I would automatically veto. They aren’t the most savvy people IRT money, but they are not nearly as irresponsible as my Mom is, and they do not have the entitlement attitude. Mister works hard and has more income than I do, I can’t see trying to tell him he shouldn’t help his parents, as long as it’s not so much that we can’t do what we need to do for ourselves and his children.

And that’s with me understanding that money we spend on or give to someone outside our household does still affect the household as far as less money to make moves with. I guess our unspoken agreement so far is that if we give (or loan in his case, usually) our parents some of our “extra” money sometimes, it’s okay as long as we still do everything that needs to be done for our lifestyle and goals as partners.

Aside from sharing how Mister and I handle our parents right now, what I shared about my Mom is a cautionary tale about how a person can get caught up trying to “help” and end up with more problems and much more money spent than anticipated.

Yours is not an easy position to be in, and I feel for you.

[laterbloomer]

In case you need another vote, it's a hard no. If I was in your position I would tell hubby that you are not going to finance something that would be so bad for MIL. Since they are asking for your money you get a vote, maybe even 2. And this plan sucks. SIL is not in a position to give MIL all the supports she needs and it is crazy to cut MIL off from all other supports. Heaven forbid anything happen to SIL, MIL would be in really bad shape.

[Deleted]

Mar 10, 2022 19:22:43 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

In case you need another vote, it's a hard no. If I was in your position I would tell hubby that you are not going to finance something that would be so bad for MIL. Since they are asking for your money you get a vote, maybe even 2. And this plan sucks. SIL is not in a position to give MIL all the supports she needs and it is crazy to cut MIL off from all other supports. Heaven forbid anything happen to SIL, MIL would be in really bad shape.

I agree wholeheartedly with the bolded. Unless DH finds a way to pay for it without it coming out of the household income, you most certainly get to be honest, feel however you feel, and have a say, since it involves your money too. Even if he finds a way to increase his income so he can do it, I would still feel some type of way that he could do it for that reason, but not to benefit his family.

You should maybe ignore that last part though, because it’s just my personal feelings and probably not helpful to you right now. 

I also wholeheartedly agree with everyone that has said it’s a very bad idea to move MIL from her current situation, where she can afford the rent and has a good support system.

[countrygirl2]

I think the idea that she may not even be able to qualify for the rent is a valid one. Well, unless your husband cosigns a lease with her committing to pay it. I don't know if that is a possibility or not.

I don't understand Pink why your mom can't qualify for senior housing if she doesn't have enough money. I would be upset paying a mortgage for someone too.  And athena add my hell no to it.

Fortunately, we have not been in this predicament. Noone in hubs family or mine did anything but work and save. We have that part of our upbringing very similar.  Now what we may have to do yet for DD, I don't know, but pretty sure she will end up in a group home. I hate it, but nothing else will really work.

You guys need to save all you can, you will need it yourself in retirement and for your kids education. Too bad you can't just move away from all the drama. Good luck.

[countrygirl2]

Each kitty wanted ice cream, I gave each a tablespoon, guess I need to look up if ice cream is ok for them.

They have been out playing all day, I'm hoping chubby keeps it up so he can lose weight. I saw where Smoke caught a baby mouse, need to get it off the garage floor. Busy boys.

We finished dinner, our veggie soup, it was really good.

[Deleted]

Mar 10, 2022 20:30:49 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

I think the idea that she may not even be able to qualify for the rent is a valid one. Well, unless your husband cosigns a lease with her committing to pay it. I don't know if that is a possibility or not.

I don't understand Pink why your mom can't qualify for senior housing if she doesn't have enough money. I would be upset paying a mortgage for someone too.  And athena add my hell no to it.

Fortunately, we have not been in this predicament. Noone in hubs family or mine did anything but work and save. We have that part of our upbringing very similar.  Now what we may have to do yet for DD, I don't know, but pretty sure she will end up in a group home. I hate it, but nothing else will really work.

You guys need to save all you can, you will need it yourself in retirement and for your kids education. Too bad you can't just move away from all the drama. Good luck.

When my Mom kept messing up her whole monthly income before I moved, I told her I needed her to give me the exact amounts of her income and expenses so I could help her figure out how to manage her money better. She ignored my request. I asked for the info again a couple days later. She ignored my request again. The next day, I asked her about it again, and she said she didn’t feel like she had to give me that info because she was the mother and I’m her child.

I told her, yeah you’re my Momma and I’m your child, but you are living with ME, in MY house, and you’re playing with my pockets. Either give me the info, or go call a cab to take you to wherever else you can go to live. Now, try me. 

She went and wrote it out and brought it to me.

She kept saying she didn’t qualify for Medicaid on one hand, and saying they would take my Grandmother’s house if they had to pay for care for her, on the other hand. Well, she fucked my Grandmother’s house up, and ended up selling it for pennies, so that stopped flying with me. 

She STILL has a million excuses about applying for Medicaid, so Imma just have to go sit right there with her and make her apply. Even if for whatever reason, she doesn’t qualify, just fucking apply for it.

[azucena]

We were able to have a civil conversation about it.  MIL has always been legally blind, but I guess it's been getting worse the last 6 months and the doctors are saying she will be completely 100% blind in less than a year.  I get tired of SIL exaggerating everything and anything and turning it into drama, so I'd checked out on all health conversations and had asked not to be told anything.  DH did go to an appt with them 2-3 months ago, and I guess that's where he heard that diagnosis too.  But he upheld my boundary and didn't bring it up.  So that means MIL will have a much harder time getting around to get groceries and such and that's what set this plan in motion.

I tried to explain the difference between our gifts to my family members and others as one off situations where they were bettering themselves, it was unexpected, anonymous, and giving from a joyous heart.  And then I tried to explain how this was setting SIL and MIL up to fail and an ongoing obligation.  His thinking is his sister is offering her share and he doesn't want to say no when we are blessed with money to spare.  And the biggest reason is it's his mama.  He offered up that she will be closer so he can see her more often and take the kids.  Two hours vs one hour doesn't make a difference as he doesn't go visit her now, like at all, and I didn't tell him but our girls aren't particularly interested in visiting this grandma for various reasons.

I tried to talk some sense into him about pushing back that she can't afford it.  He says her lease is up in May, so needs to happen now.  Pretty sure they'd go month to month but whatever.  I asked if she still had her final expense life insurance policy that I told her not to buy or at least only buy $5k.  Told him to find out how much it was per month (my guess is $75) and cut that to free up some cash.  When FIL passed unexpectedly about 10 yrs ago, we paid right around $10k for his funeral expenses with no help from any other family - no one even offered.  And money was somewhat tight for us back then.  This prompted his mom to buy a policy even though she was already 50-something and smoked so could only qualify for final expense with high prems.  Now, come to find out she's increased the death benefit to be able to leave SIL and DH an inheritance.  Um, talk about crazy shit.  We clearly don't need an inheritance and would much rather her take care of herself now and SIL will just waste it.  DH said MIL won't hear of canceling it because she's been paying it all these years already.  FACEPALM.  This is why I can't with these people.

In the end, I caved a bit and we agreed to gift her $250 towards moving expenses and that's it - closed door, end of story. I made it completely clear that this wasn't going to be open handout season.

I also attempted to have a civil discussion about going to counseling together and also said the gaming has to cut way back after we return from spring break.

[countrygirl2]

So, Pink what does she do for health care if she doesn't have medicaid? It's pretty much standard here that people with less then $2k in assets, have medicare and medicaid and it pays for all your health care, drugs everything. Then you can apply for reduced housing also. Back when think mom paid 20% for housing, she had SS and did not have to give how much she had in savings. Of course over a certain amount would have disqualified her.

There is no reason you should have to subsidize her at all. So she is doing herself and you a big disservice.

[countrygirl2]

My husband is a pain in the butt sometimes, but overall we are on the same page. I just hate to hear folks having issues like these.

[wvugurl26]

Some people do get prosecuted for the padding of hours. It really depends on the state and how aggressive they are. Most of the ones I've seen announced by DOJ, the beneficiary suffered harm as a result of the caregiver not doing their job. And then they look into the hours the caregiver was being paid and compare to their Facebook showing them on vacation, etc.

Rae has a fair point though. It costs a lot of money to have someone institutionalized and the outcome is never as good as them being able to stay in the community. There has been a push to provide services for this reason.

azucena I'm glad you were able to have a discussion and come to a compromise. And please try to take something for yourself from that bonus. I know it's hard after he ruined the moment but you work very hard. Take something for yourself.

[Opti]

Mar 10, 2022 13:28:49 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Mar 10, 2022 13:07:58 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

]Methinks SIL likes working under the table and getting a massive refund.  A pettier person would report it. 

And the OP has mentioned that SIL is fabricating extra hours so she'd lose that if they got an unrelated person to help MIL.  That part makes me sick.  I see ads in my area offering to sign people up to get paid caring for loved ones (the fine print always says the loved ones must be on Medicaid) and the intention is good.  Recognize that caregiving is hard work and can prevent you from holding down another paying job, and have people cared for by someone near and dear to them (under ideal circumstances).  Now I wonder how much of this padding goes on.

Some people are not easy to care for and have more needs than others. A former coworker has a family member who is permanently damaged from an accident. I suppose its little different from people who come back from the war and are basically bed bound. If the carer quits, often the family members have to take up the slack until a new person is hired. I can see how it would make keeping jobs tough. At best you might have nasty notes in your employment file for unexpectedly needing time off from work with no guaranteed end date.

Like many things I think there are people who are honest, those that underreport what they do and those with scammer personalities that claim they do more than they do in truth.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mar 10, 2022 21:53:15 GMT -5 azucena said:

We were able to have a civil conversation about it.  MIL has always been legally blind, but I guess it's been getting worse the last 6 months and the doctors are saying she will be completely 100% blind in less than a year.  I get tired of SIL exaggerating everything and anything and turning it into drama, so I'd checked out on all health conversations and had asked not to be told anything.  DH did go to an appt with them 2-3 months ago, and I guess that's where he heard that diagnosis too.  But he upheld my boundary and didn't bring it up.  So that means MIL will have a much harder time getting around to get groceries and such and that's what set this plan in motion.

I tried to explain the difference between our gifts to my family members and others as one off situations where they were bettering themselves, it was unexpected, anonymous, and giving from a joyous heart.  And then I tried to explain how this was setting SIL and MIL up to fail and an ongoing obligation.  His thinking is his sister is offering her share and he doesn't want to say no when we are blessed with money to spare.  And the biggest reason is it's his mama.  He offered up that she will be closer so he can see her more often and take the kids.  Two hours vs one hour doesn't make a difference as he doesn't go visit her now, like at all, and I didn't tell him but our girls aren't particularly interested in visiting this grandma for various reasons.

I tried to talk some sense into him about pushing back that she can't afford it.  He says her lease is up in May, so needs to happen now.  Pretty sure they'd go month to month but whatever.  I asked if she still had her final expense life insurance policy that I told her not to buy or at least only buy $5k.  Told him to find out how much it was per month (my guess is $75) and cut that to free up some cash.  When FIL passed unexpectedly about 10 yrs ago, we paid right around $10k for his funeral expenses with no help from any other family - no one even offered.  And money was somewhat tight for us back then.  This prompted his mom to buy a policy even though she was already 50-something and smoked so could only qualify for final expense with high prems.  Now, come to find out she's increased the death benefit to be able to leave SIL and DH an inheritance.  Um, talk about crazy shit.  We clearly don't need an inheritance and would much rather her take care of herself now and SIL will just waste it.  DH said MIL won't hear of canceling it because she's been paying it all these years already.  FACEPALM.  This is why I can't with these people.

In the end, I caved a bit and we agreed to gift her $250 towards moving expenses and that's it - closed door, end of story. I made it completely clear that this wasn't going to be open handout season.

I also attempted to have a civil discussion about going to counseling together and also said the gaming has to cut way back after we return from spring break.

I'm glad you came to a compromise but I noticed the above and I wanted to say he thinks that NOW.  My grandmother moved 45-50 minutes away from us my dad made it clear upfront he wasn't taking us out there all the time and wasn't going to be driving back and forth himself.   She was fine with this.

Yeah that was when my grandfather was alive and could drive.   Treynor is pretty close to being a literal one horse town there is NOTHING not even a grocery store out there.  For someone my age the drive to Council Bluffs for everything is a waste of gas but doable.  A little old lady with limited mobility though not so much.

That 45 minute drive became an absolute nightmare.  My dad couldn't exactly just leave her out there to rot.  Moving all the way out there when her only son and her two grandchildren live in CB was INCREDIBLY stupid.  That extra hour is going to become such an albatross around your neck when she gets to a point where she can't care for herself.

Moving a woman who is legally blind and soon to be 100% blind away from her current support network is insane.  I highly doubt SIL is going to step up and be her full time care giver.  What will likely happen is they will both start hitting you up for even more money to hire someone to care for MIL AND compensate SIL for all the "extra" she has to handle.

 Even if let's say she had to move out of her current apartment staying where she has friends staying where she is now still makes sense even if it is in a different department.  Moving to butt fuck Egypt with SIL who barely works is ludicrious.

[Opti]

Totally agree DQ. She knows the area she is living in now; I think moving her somewhere new as her eyesight fails is crazy. Especially since she is not moving somewhere with 24x7 care.