Obituary Ediquette

[Bonny]

As many of you know my father finally passed Tuesday night. I'm the executor of my father's "estate". My father wrote his will over 10 years ago and explicitly cut out my brother. About three years ago I pushed my father to reconcile with my brother with whom he hadn't spoken in at least 15 years. They did reconcile and my brother was very helpful during my Dad's illness over the last two years.

Sooooo in the spirit of being inclusive I wrote a draft obit and sent it to my uncle, Dad's girlfriend and brother. Uncle and GF said it was perfect. Bro adds all kinds of things like Dad quit school to join the Army and fought in the Korean and Vietnam war et cetera. Basically he's trying to turn Dad into some kind of hero. He wasn't and there's no proof that Dad did anything but join the National Guard and that his active duty years were spent in school.

I'm awaiting a copy of his actual service record to see if we can get him interred in a Federal cemetery but what would you say? My brother and I aren't close.


Thanks for the collective wisdom! 

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Can you water down what your brother said?  Especially if he never fought in Korea or Vietnam.  

Dad quit school and joined the National Guard to be involved in the efforts of the Korean and Vietnam Wars.  

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Go with your original piece. 

[Bonny]

Oct 11, 2020 14:45:38 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Can you water down what your brother said?  Especially if he never fought in Korea or Vietnam.  

Dad quit school and joined the National Guard to be involved in the efforts of the Korean and Vietnam Wars.  

My father told me that he quit school because he was so bullied by the guys on the football team. Throughout my teens and twenties he made fun of college graduates and up until the last years of his life was pretty disrespectful of any kind of authority.

He hated the military. I'm pretty sure he joined the National Guard for the extra money.

[Deleted]

Are you planning on putting this into the newspaper? I was pretty astounded at what the Kansas City Star charged 4 years ago when DH died. It was $450 for something like 200 words, no picture. DH was from an age when that's what you did and I knew his friends would want to see it in the paper. if you're planning that it would be a good reason to keep it brief. I think I'd just mention his National Guard service.

[Artemis Windsong]

I agree Athena 53.

So many people are doing a brief obit and some funerals are invitation only.

[TheOtherMe]

Oct 11, 2020 15:31:06 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Go with your original piece. 

This is what I would do.

We didn't put my dad's obituary in the paper.  It was on the funeral home website

[Lizard Queen]

Stick to the facts, and stay true to your dad. Obits are expensive. No need to get spendy for embellishments.

[debthaven]

My friend E sent her late DH's obit to everyone in the family. Long story short, the obit everyone added to but nobody offered to help pay for cost E nearly 2K. It was very long!!!

Four years later she's still resentful.

Just do as you planned. Maybe choose one sentence or phrase from your brother just to keep the peace.

[tskeeter]

As a family history genealogist, I find obituaries are often a treasure trove of information about the deceased and sometimes other family members.  Do future generations of genealogists a favor and stick to the facts, not some embellished version of your Dad’s military career that sends others on a wide goose chase.  A mention that like many young men of his generation, your Dad entered the military, serving in the National Guard, seems appropriate.

[Bonny]

Oct 11, 2020 15:31:06 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Go with your original piece. 

I need to incorporate some of the edits such as the spelling of my sister in law's name and a couple of other details.

But he's going to be hurt/angry about me de-heroizing our father. The only thing I can think of is to say there's no evidence that he fought in either war.

Dad was often verbally abusive, selfish, sexist to the point of misogyny, cheap, and lazy. None of that's going into the obit!

[Bonny]

Oct 11, 2020 16:10:16 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Are you planning on putting this into the newspaper? I was pretty astounded at what the Kansas City Star charged 4 years ago when DH died. It was $450 for something like 200 words, no picture. DH was from an age when that's what you did and I knew his friends would want to see it in the paper. if you're planning that it would be a good reason to keep it brief. I think I'd just mention his National Guard service.

Yes, I am planning on putting it in the County Newspaper. I figured something like that. It is an advertisement after all. And yes, I did cover myself about it needing to be brief. 

[Tennesseer]

Oct 11, 2020 17:49:26 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Oct 11, 2020 15:31:06 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Go with your original piece. 

I need to incorporate some of the edits such as the spelling of my sister in law's name and a couple of other details.

But he's going to be hurt/angry about me de-heroizing our father. The only thing I can think of is to say there's no evidence that he fought in either war.

Dad was often verbally abusive, selfish, sexist to the point of misogyny, cheap, and lazy. None of that's going into the obit!

Would you feel comfortable asking your brother to back up his claims with legit documentation?

And is there a rush to publish the obituary?

[Deleted]

Oct 11, 2020 17:49:26 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Oct 11, 2020 15:31:06 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Go with your original piece. 

I need to incorporate some of the edits such as the spelling of my sister in law's name and a couple of other details.

But he's going to be hurt/angry about me de-heroizing our father. The only thing I can think of is to say there's no evidence that he fought in either war.

Dad was often verbally abusive, selfish, sexist to the point of misogyny, cheap, and lazy. None of that's going into the obit!

His anger is his problem. I agree with others who embrace your words.  This is not an easy journey for you 

[empress of self-improvement]

Oct 11, 2020 17:49:26 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Oct 11, 2020 15:31:06 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Go with your original piece. 

I need to incorporate some of the edits such as the spelling of my sister in law's name and a couple of other details.

But he's going to be hurt/angry about me de-heroizing our father. The only thing I can think of is to say there's no evidence that he fought in either war.

Dad was often verbally abusive, selfish, sexist to the point of misogyny, cheap, and lazy. None of that's going into the obit!

Why not? There's been some rather interesting ones out there where the families left no laundry unaided.

DH's was short and sweet. He led a boring life so had a boring obit.

[Bonny]

Oct 11, 2020 17:12:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Oct 11, 2020 15:31:06 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Go with your original piece. 

This is what I would do.

We didn't put my dad's obituary in the paper.  It was on the funeral home website

We're not using a funeral home. The Neptune Society was about half the cost of the funeral homes I checked. Obit is our responsibility.

[Bonny]

Oct 11, 2020 17:55:17 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Oct 11, 2020 17:49:26 GMT -5 Bonny said:

I need to incorporate some of the edits such as the spelling of my sister in law's name and a couple of other details.

But he's going to be hurt/angry about me de-heroizing our father. The only thing I can think of is to say there's no evidence that he fought in either war.

Dad was often verbally abusive, selfish, sexist to the point of misogyny, cheap, and lazy. None of that's going into the obit!

Would you feel comfortable asking your brother to back up his claims with legit documentation?

And is there a rush to publish the obituary?

He doesn't have anything. I have the very few records that are available. Just waiting to see what comes back from the National Archives.

No real rush but I also don't want this item to linger.

[Bonny]

Oct 11, 2020 17:57:43 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

Oct 11, 2020 17:49:26 GMT -5 Bonny said:

I need to incorporate some of the edits such as the spelling of my sister in law's name and a couple of other details.

But he's going to be hurt/angry about me de-heroizing our father. The only thing I can think of is to say there's no evidence that he fought in either war.

Dad was often verbally abusive, selfish, sexist to the point of misogyny, cheap, and lazy. None of that's going into the obit!

Why not? There's been some rather interesting ones out there where the families left no laundry unaided.

DH's was short and sweet. He led a boring life so had a boring obit.

Lol, I have been reading the obits some to get an idea of style. I do love the funny ones. I think I've only read one trashy one and that was a long time ago.

I still believe in Karma. 

[Happy prose]

Just do a death notice instead of an obit.  

[seriousthistime]

There was a very amusing obit I read some time ago, about an elderly woman who lived a very interesting life, certainly non-traditional for the times.  

The first paragraph was just basic facts: date of death, where/when she was born, her parents, where she died, when and where and how services would be held.  

In the next paragraph it mentioned the deceased's propensity to exceed the speed limit while driving on the freeways around here, for which she'd managed to obtain quite a few speeding tickets during her lifetime.  It continued on to say that, true to form, she had succumbed to injuries sustained in an accident while propelling her wheelchair around the nursing home.  

I read it and wanted to know that woman.  I want my obituary to sound like that.

Tell the truth, but do it with as much amusement as possible.  If your brother has a fact (i.e., verifiable) he thinks you should share, see if you can work in a quick mention in an amusing or endearing, but factual, way.  Don't lie.  He may not have been the most admirable person to you, but on the way out we would like others to hold the most generous memory they can conjure up about us. 

[nidena]

I don't know if this will apply to your situation but it's worth sharing: www.benefits.va.gov/compensation/claims-special-burial.asp
And this: www.benefits.gov/benefit/279

[Bonny]

Oct 12, 2020 19:42:53 GMT -5 nidena said:

I don't know if this will apply to your situation but it's worth sharing: www.benefits.va.gov/compensation/claims-special-burial.asp
And this: www.benefits.gov/benefit/279

Thank you. I'm not sure he qualifies but I'll know more once I have his records from the National Archives.

[Bonny]

Oct 11, 2020 16:10:16 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Are you planning on putting this into the newspaper? I was pretty astounded at what the Kansas City Star charged 4 years ago when DH died. It was $450 for something like 200 words, no picture. DH was from an age when that's what you did and I knew his friends would want to see it in the paper. if you're planning that it would be a good reason to keep it brief. I think I'd just mention his National Guard service.

I've got you beat! Total came to $1167!

I did some further editing and it was still that much.

[bookkeeper]

I paid for one obituary when Dad died.  The other papers I simply published a death notice with a link to the funeral home obituary.  Two clicks, not a big deal.

I was expecting a half sibling to come out of the woodwork, but it never happened!!!

[Tennesseer]

I have no desire for an obituary. I figure my family can announce my death on Facebook (or whatever). I am friends on Facebook with my childhood friends along with many who I crossed paths with through work and other means.

They can spread the word of my death with others who have known me.

Cost? $0.00.

[Deleted]

Oct 13, 2020 18:27:23 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Oct 11, 2020 16:10:16 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Are you planning on putting this into the newspaper? I was pretty astounded at what the Kansas City Star charged 4 years ago when DH died. It was $450 for something like 200 words, no picture. DH was from an age when that's what you did and I knew his friends would want to see it in the paper. if you're planning that it would be a good reason to keep it brief. I think I'd just mention his National Guard service.

I've got you beat! Total came to $1167!

I did some further editing and it was still that much.

I found out how expensive this could be when DH died.  I wasn't willing to spend a fortune when it would be merely a listing of relatives.  So I went with a very basic version that cost about $100.

Imagine how embarrassed I was to discover a family member paid more than I did to keep it online forever.  Around here, they disappear except for the opening line if you don't.

[busymom]

We didn't do an obit for Mom when she passed on, at her request.  We just did a sort of mini one that could be viewed on the funeral home's website.


Someone was snooping around my parent's house during the time of Dad's funeral.  Fortunately, because we're "city people", we suspected that could happen, we paid a relative to stay at the house during the funeral, & brought him a plate of food from the reception.  Once the "snoop" realized someone was actually in the house, they left.  It's sort of a city problem, as burglars read the obits too.  

[CCL]

Oct 13, 2020 20:48:15 GMT -5 busymom said:

We didn't do an obit for Mom when she passed on, at her request.  We just did a sort of mini one that could be viewed on the funeral home's website.


Someone was snooping around my parent's house during the time of Dad's funeral.  Fortunately, because we're "city people", we suspected that could happen, we paid a relative to stay at the house during the funeral, & brought him a plate of food from the reception.  Once the "snoop" realized someone was actually in the house, they left.  It's sort of a city problem, as burglars read the obits too.  

So your "housesitter" didn't notice when the snoop entered the house and make them leave? Or call the police? Did they break in or how did they get in?

I'm sure that doesn't happen only in the city. I've heard of break-ins during funerals in all areas, usually perpetrated by someone with a connection to the deceased.

[busymom]

Oct 14, 2020 3:32:19 GMT -5 CCL said:

Oct 13, 2020 20:48:15 GMT -5 busymom said:

We didn't do an obit for Mom when she passed on, at her request.  We just did a sort of mini one that could be viewed on the funeral home's website.


Someone was snooping around my parent's house during the time of Dad's funeral.  Fortunately, because we're "city people", we suspected that could happen, we paid a relative to stay at the house during the funeral, & brought him a plate of food from the reception.  Once the "snoop" realized someone was actually in the house, they left.  It's sort of a city problem, as burglars read the obits too.  

So your "housesitter" didn't notice when the snoop entered the house and make them leave? Or call the police? Did they break in or how did they get in?

I'm sure that doesn't happen only in the city. I've heard of break-ins during funerals in all areas, usually perpetrated by someone with a connection to the deceased.

    They were walking around outside of the house.  Thankfully, they didn't make it inside.  

[gambler]

Do not want a any type of notice, there would be too much partying and dancing in the streets. The only ones that need to know are close family and friends and the know about the death and what the person was like.