MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 18, 2017 16:08:47 GMT -5
I was leaning toward no before but now I'm more confident in the "no"
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 18, 2017 16:19:30 GMT -5
Planning the perfect divorce is about as difficult as planning the perfect marriage. It can be pretty hard to force another person to fit in the mold you create. It can. But, again, DH and I have talked about this. This is our second time talking about what if...I mean, if you had 5-15 years to prepare for your divorce, you'd probably have time to talk things over, come to certain agreements, and take your time to make really good choices. It's not necessarily about making DH or I fit into some mold. It's doing what's best for the family unit. This is how we've always operated, for most things. Unfortunately it's the one that that DH didn't take care of that is the root cause of all of this. Separate, neither one of us is going to make enough to support 4 kids, even part time. His earning power is like 40K, full time..If he's lucky. Realistically, it's more like 30-35K. After alimony and child support, I'm going to have about 50% of my net pay to live with...I'm figuring about 2K a month. Out of 2K needs to come shelter, food, and at least 50% of all child related costs for three kids. I'm frugal, but not a miracle worker. Neither one of us can even afford the 850 mortgage on our current house. I took a very pragmatic approach to choosing DH. I didn't marry him just for love. I'd never marry anyone only for love. I don't see why we can't take a pragmatic approach to divorce, if we need go there.... Wait! Are you planning for a divorce??
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 18, 2017 16:21:19 GMT -5
I am such "all or nothing" kind of person that I can not imagine, in my wildest dreams to be going away with an X, kids or not.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2017 18:22:14 GMT -5
It will be a step backward. That was the hardest part of my divorce--making sure that I didn't progress backward. This is about your ex's needs, not yours or your son's. Sure, he's couched it as a family event, but you guys aren't still a family. You are two adults who love your son very much but apart.
I was on great terms with my ex, and he sometimes suggested taking a weekend trip together. Guys like the comfortable and familiar as much as they like the new and exciting. These scratch different itches.
Don't do it.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 18, 2017 19:27:19 GMT -5
I am such "all or nothing" kind of person that I can not imagine, in my wildest dreams to be going away with an X, kids or not. I am also an all or nothing person, but having a front row seat on many divorces, you must push through for both your kids and yourself. You have to see this person forever - even after the kid is an adult, graduations, weddings, shared grandchildren, etc. If you can muddle through the weirdness for a few years, the rest of your life will be so much more pleasant. A friend of mine has divorced parents, both remarried. The 4 of them hug and chat every time they see each other - which is at every soccer game. They have been divorced 30 years. You don't have to stay weird and distant forever.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 18, 2017 19:51:00 GMT -5
I am such "all or nothing" kind of person that I can not imagine, in my wildest dreams to be going away with an X, kids or not. I am also an all or nothing person, but having a front row seat on many divorces, you must push through for both your kids and yourself. You have to see this person forever - even after the kid is an adult, graduations, weddings, shared grandchildren, etc. If you can muddle through the weirdness for a few years, the rest of your life will be so much more pleasant. A friend of mine has divorced parents, both remarried. The 4 of them hug and chat every time they see each other - which is at every soccer game. They have been divorced 30 years. You don't have to stay weird and distant forever. My former boss and his ex-wife, both remarried, spent all holidays and birthdays together until she passed away. They no longer wanted to be married to each other but have two daughters they both cared about and loved very much. Her family used to come to the holiday gatherings. He moved to Colorado from Iowa. First his youngest daughter followed him and then the oldest after graduating college. Ex-wife soon figured out if she wanted to see her daughters and grandchildren, that was where she needed to live. He tells me that would not have happened without his current wife's approval but she knew he had been married and had two adult children when they married. His wife even asked how he felt when his ex died. He felt bad for his daughters and wanted to help them is what he told me. He felt bad she had died but he wasn't grieving over the death.
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Post by empress of self-improvement on Oct 18, 2017 20:14:58 GMT -5
No, he'd enjoy this. (if it's what I think it is?) it is. It's a gaming convention. Is it the one scheduled for next April? If so, you can stay with me. I'm less than 20 miles outside of Boston. You can take the commuter train in.
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Post by empress of self-improvement on Oct 18, 2017 20:19:43 GMT -5
Also, let me just give my kudos to you and Ex for being able to maintain some semblance of a civil relationship for your son. My parents were hell on earth for over 25 years after their divorce. They finally started being civil to each other about the last 10 years before my dad died. It sucked ass having to deal with them for the longest time.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 18, 2017 20:38:51 GMT -5
I am such "all or nothing" kind of person that I can not imagine, in my wildest dreams to be going away with an X, kids or not. I am also an all or nothing person, but having a front row seat on many divorces, you must push through for both your kids and yourself. You have to see this person forever - even after the kid is an adult, graduations, weddings, shared grandchildren, etc. If you can muddle through the weirdness for a few years, the rest of your life will be so much more pleasant. A friend of mine has divorced parents, both remarried. The 4 of them hug and chat every time they see each other - which is at every soccer game. They have been divorced 30 years. You don't have to stay weird and distant forever. Unfortunately, knowing myself, it would take a LOT of work on my part to be that gracious.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 19, 2017 9:06:45 GMT -5
there are a lot of things that I suck up in this situation (the custody arrangement being the biggest one by far) because I believe the best thing for DS is for X and I to have a functional relationship. He needs Mom and Dad and he needs to see them getting along.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2017 9:13:05 GMT -5
Getting along, yes. But there needs to be pretty clear boundaries in the relationship. If not just so your son doesn't get his hopes up of you getting back together.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Oct 19, 2017 9:19:12 GMT -5
there are a lot of things that I suck up in this situation (the custody arrangement being the biggest one by far) because I believe the best thing for DS is for X and I to have a functional relationship. He needs Mom and Dad and he needs to see them getting along. I admire you, MJ. My brother and his XW fought for years after their divorce (their marriage ended with a knife fight and the police at their apartment). They still don't really get along, though they have moments of civility at family events. You're right - your son does need to know Mom and Dad are polite and friendly to each other. But not booty-call level getting along. And the problem is once he gets you for one call, he has you on a string. And by that, I mean the potential for blackmail later on is absolutely there. I hate to even bring that up, but I worked in the criminal justice system long enough to know what people will do to one another. Get separate rooms, make it a day trip or just say no. Your XH needs to grow a pair, man up and find someone else, not lean on you for a good time. I think with the passage of time, your relationship will mellow out. Right now, it's still edgy and tense; things are still working themselves out. I wish there was a way to hurry it up, but there isn't. Stand firm; you are better than an XH who needs a bump 'n-the-night-right-now.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 19, 2017 9:35:30 GMT -5
A father-son overnight trip sounds good for both of them.
Local father-mother-son daytime/early evening events sound good for all three of them.
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 19, 2017 10:45:09 GMT -5
I believe this has been said - but this is the same dude who just a few months ago said no to you joining him on a one or two of your son's first days at Disney. Now he wants to be all big family trip? The odds of him having an epiphany in that short of time is slim - the odds of him saying no cuz he couldn't get any with his parents there but could get some if it was just you guys is very high.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2017 11:44:54 GMT -5
I’m case anyone wondered where the term “booty call” originated from:
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 21, 2017 23:55:32 GMT -5
Planning the perfect divorce is about as difficult as planning the perfect marriage. It can be pretty hard to force another person to fit in the mold you create. We are in the process, it is not perfect but it is amicable and civilized.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 22, 2017 0:02:01 GMT -5
OP since I believe your husband still have feelings for you - then it is a NO.
Start something smaller : day trips to the zoo / NYC / fair etc.
Or if you do go: crash at a friend; don't share a room or suite.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Oct 22, 2017 0:22:52 GMT -5
Planning the perfect divorce is about as difficult as planning the perfect marriage. It can be pretty hard to force another person to fit in the mold you create. We are in the process, it is not perfect but it is amicable and civilized. Which process? Perfect marriage or perfect divorce? I hope the former, not latter...
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Oct 22, 2017 2:02:20 GMT -5
We are in the process, it is not perfect but it is amicable and civilized. Which process? Perfect marriage or perfect divorce? I hope the former, not latter... though I fear he means the latter...
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2017 6:16:34 GMT -5
Planning the perfect divorce is about as difficult as planning the perfect marriage. It can be pretty hard to force another person to fit in the mold you create. We are in the process, it is not perfect but it is amicable and civilized. I had a boss whose divorce seemed this way. They toasted with champagne afterwards. Six months later, they hated each other passionately. I don't know the details enough to know why. I just know they couldn't stand to be in the same room together by that point.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Oct 22, 2017 6:34:09 GMT -5
Could you just meet him at the event ? Nkt sure if that would save money. If he is pressuring you for booty call will he try that there? Can you both be pleasant and cordial without it turning nasty? Will this give your child false hope abiut you getting back together? Just some things to consider.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2017 6:39:34 GMT -5
Planning the perfect divorce is about as difficult as planning the perfect marriage. It can be pretty hard to force another person to fit in the mold you create. We are in the process, it is not perfect but it is amicable and civilized. I'm not sure if you're referring to marriage or divorce, but if it's divorce, I wasn't talking about the legal dissolution part. I'm talking about all the tyears following. People can plan the perfect wedding too and have all these hopes and dreams together for how it's going to go "forever and ever" after, but obviously that goes to shit sometimes. Same with divorce. Just because you each say you're going to do X and Y doesn't mean that a few years down the road one or both doesn't get other ideas.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 22, 2017 8:58:49 GMT -5
Planning the perfect divorce is about as difficult as planning the perfect marriage. It can be pretty hard to force another person to fit in the mold you create. We are in the process, it is not perfect but it is amicable and civilized. The Haitian - they say not to consider divorce until the baby is a year old.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 22, 2017 9:59:35 GMT -5
Planning the perfect divorce is about as difficult as planning the perfect marriage. It can be pretty hard to force another person to fit in the mold you create. We are in the process, it is not perfect but it is amicable and civilized. Shit. I have missed an entire thing here. I'm so sorry. I thought you guys were good, with the biggest disagreement over becoming parents. Now that she has her adorable baby, it is over??
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Oct 22, 2017 13:13:59 GMT -5
Sorry MJ, did not mean to take attention away from your OP.
And everyone thank you for your concerns; we are just trying to figure things out and what would be in the best interest of everyone moving forward.
One day at a time.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Oct 22, 2017 15:12:46 GMT -5
Sorry MJ, did not mean to take attention away from your OP. And everyone thank you for your concerns; we are just trying to figure things out and what would be in the best interest of everyone moving forward. One day at a time. Carl - I’m so sorry. You are in my thoughts.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2017 15:37:32 GMT -5
4 Weddings and a Funeral-Isn’t that like 5 of the same thing? Al Bundy
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Oct 22, 2017 16:00:31 GMT -5
Sorry MJ, did not mean to take attention away from your OP. And everyone thank you for your concerns; we are just trying to figure things out and what would be in the best interest of everyone moving forward. One day at a time. I'm sorry.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Oct 22, 2017 16:16:07 GMT -5
Sorry MJ, did not mean to take attention away from your OP. And everyone thank you for your concerns; we are just trying to figure things out and what would be in the best interest of everyone moving forward. One day at a time.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Oct 22, 2017 16:17:49 GMT -5
Carl I'm hoping all the best to you & yours. << HUGS >>
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