going away with ex and our mutual child - WWYD?

[MJ2.0]

X and I have been divorced for over 2.5 years and we share custody of DS.  My hope has always been for us to get to the point where we can do some things together as a family even though we are not together.  Slowly but surely our platonic/co-parenting relationship has gotten better.  There are still issues with him acting a little weird around/toward me, but overall things are okay.  A few days ago he texted me about us all possibly going to this event out of town.  It's something we went to once as a couple and once on our own/with other people.  X thinks DS would like it too and asked me if I wanted to join them.

A few things:

1. I am looking to get a 2-bed apartment next year and need to save my money.  There are many other reasons I need to save money too.
2. about a month ago X was texting me to basically be his booty call.  I have ZERO desire to sleep with him, and I am concerned that he is planning for us to share a room and will again pester me about having sex with him.

I told him I'm still thinking about it.  I do want to go because it's a fun event, DS will like it, and I think it would be good for him to have us all together.  BUT I do not want to be out a lot of money nor do I want to put myself in a situation that could become awkward.

Thoughts?

[Waffle]

I have no children - so feel free to take this "advice" with a pound of salt.

But it reminds me of something an aunt of mine went through.  She had moved to a different state after her divorce with her two daughters.  Her ex arranged to come spend some time with the two girls - when he got there he made it clear that he wanted a sexual relationship with her.  She said no.  He got mad and left which of course hurt the two girls who didn't understand why daddy left suddenly.

So based on that, my only advice is to be up front with your ex before the trip (if you decide to go).  Make sure he knows this is for your child and not a chance for you two to rekindle a flame that no longer exists on your end.

[Pants]

Given this specific set of circumstances, I would not go.

Start smaller, not on an overnight trip.

"I can't do X this year, but i thought it might be fun for DH if we both took him to Y next month. Would you be available?"

[Deleted]

I have no children but I am a male, this is all about another attempt at a booty call.

[Miss Tequila]

This is a tough one.  I would be more worried about what your son thought. I say that because I'm a child of divorce and there was nothing I wanted more than my parents to get back together. If we went away for the weekend that would have given me false hope (I think...I dont' know since it didn't happen).  Toss in him wanting sex and it could be a sticky situation.

From someone who is divorced,  I honestly can't imagine going away with my ex. SERIOUSLY.CANT.IMAGINE!lol But for anyone that can do it and do it well, maybe it is a good thing? Damned if I know.

[wvugurl26]

I would say no. Suggest an alternative locally.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Big no.  

Other than it will give false impressions to your son about you getting back together, I'd bet my ass, hat and gas mask that your ex will push strong for a booty call.  If you are game, that's one thing.  But I'm pretty sure he is using this trip as a ruse.

[Deleted]

My first thought is "no way".   I am on probably what could be considered ideal terms with first ex, and I would not do an overnight with him somewhere (even before he remarried).  We attend family things together and we've done group trips to things like the zoo with me and my two kids and his wife and their younger kids, but going off for a weekend together?  No. 

Ex 2.0 Big Fat No.  Nothing good could come of that!

What kind of event is it? 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I would not go.   If he's been sending you booty calls then he's not as
over you as you are of him.  I wouldn't count on him respecting
boundaries when you are sharing a hotel together.   I wouldn't want to have that discussion around my kid.

Is there an inexpensive day event you could invite ex-DH to?  I would start there so if he does push his boundaries ending it is as simple as leaving the venue.  No overnights together.

[debthaven]

Since money and booty calls are both issues, is there any way you could do this event as a day trip? That could be a good compromise, IF it's feasible in terms of distance.

[MJ2.0]

it's a convention in another state (4-5 hour drive) so definitely an overnight trip. 

[giramomma]

In your situation, I'd say no. I think you already know this..When I don't want to do something, I use cost as an excuse. I'm betting you are too. (Not nit-picking, but if money was an issue, you wouldn't have gone away with your friend..)

If DH and I get divorced, I could see us going together on trips and what not as a family. 

But, I don't think we're exactly the norm. My strategy for if we divorce  is for each of us to buy a condo in the same complex outright such that the kids can just float between the two places. Last night I talked to DH and suggested that we sit down and see a lawyer once the dust settles after having #4 so we know how to make the best financial decisions that we can with regards to our snowflake money given our situation. And I also asked him to really think about whether or not he wanted a vasectomy (if we divorce and he wants to remarry...who knows?)

[MJ2.0]

Oct 18, 2017 12:56:38 GMT -5 giramomma said:

In your situation, I'd say no. I think you already know this..When I don't want to do something, I use cost as an excuse. I'm betting you are too. (Not nit-picking, but if money was an issue, you wouldn't have gone away with your friend..)

If DH and I get divorced, I could see us going together on trips and what not as a family. 

But, I don't think we're exactly the norm. My strategy for if we divorce  is for each of us to buy a condo in the same complex outright such that the kids can just float between the two places. Last night I talked to DH and suggested that we sit down and see a lawyer once the dust settles after having #4 so we know how to make the best financial decisions that we can with regards to our snowflake money given our situation. And I also asked him to really think about whether or not he wanted a vasectomy (if we divorce and he wants to remarry...who knows?)

that was my exact goal too, but I can see that being problematic especially if one person has moved on or is dating and the other isn't. 

[Deleted]

Oct 18, 2017 12:47:55 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

it's a convention in another state (4-5 hour drive) so definitely an overnight trip. 

A convention?  And this is supposed to be something the kid would enjoy?  Eh....  I can maybe see taking the kid to Disneyworld or something together...although I'd probably still want more people along as a buffer....but this is a "I want a companion to a convention trip". 

[Deleted]

Planning the perfect divorce is about as difficult as planning the perfect marriage. It can be pretty hard to force another person to fit in the mold you create.

[cael]

Oct 18, 2017 12:47:55 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

it's a convention in another state (4-5 hour drive) so definitely an overnight trip. 

Take the sketchiness out of the rooming together situation - let X get a hotel for him & DS and you stay with me! (jk, we're probably too far away from this now to make that work well lol)

I'd maybe start w/ a day trip type of thing and not do an overnight, at least not at this point in time if you're worried about the booty call sitch.

[cael]

Oct 18, 2017 13:08:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Oct 18, 2017 12:47:55 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

it's a convention in another state (4-5 hour drive) so definitely an overnight trip. 

A convention?  And this is supposed to be something the kid would enjoy?  Eh....  I can maybe see taking the kid to Disneyworld or something together...although I'd probably still want more people along as a buffer....but this is a "I want a companion to a convention trip". 

No, he'd enjoy this. (if it's what I think it is?)

[MJ2.0]

Oct 18, 2017 13:22:55 GMT -5 cael said:

Oct 18, 2017 13:08:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

A convention?  And this is supposed to be something the kid would enjoy?  Eh....  I can maybe see taking the kid to Disneyworld or something together...although I'd probably still want more people along as a buffer....but this is a "I want a companion to a convention trip". 

No, he'd enjoy this. (if it's what I think it is?)

it is. 

It's a gaming convention.

[Deleted]

Oct 18, 2017 13:24:06 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Oct 18, 2017 13:22:55 GMT -5 cael said:

No, he'd enjoy this. (if it's what I think it is?)

it is. 

It's a gaming convention.

Oh, well then it would be a HELL NO for me!    I am so sick of dealing with gaming addictions in my kids.  My 7 year old can have zero access or his behavior plummets. 

[ArchietheDragon]

can you all go to NJ Comic expo for a day trip instead?

[giramomma]

Oct 18, 2017 13:14:13 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Planning the perfect divorce is about as difficult as planning the perfect marriage. It can be pretty hard to force another person to fit in the mold you create.

It can. But, again, DH and I have talked about this. This is our second time talking about what if...I mean, if you had 5-15 years to prepare for your divorce, you'd probably have time to talk things over, come to certain agreements, and take your time to make really good choices. It's not necessarily about making DH or I fit into some mold. It's doing what's best for the family unit. This is how we've always operated, for most things. Unfortunately it's the one that that DH didn't take care of that is the root cause of all of this.

Separate, neither one of us is going to make enough to support 4 kids, even part time. His earning power is like 40K, full time..If he's lucky. Realistically, it's more like 30-35K.

After alimony and child support, I'm going to have about 50% of my net pay to live with...I'm figuring about 2K a month. Out of 2K needs to come shelter, food, and at least 50% of all child related costs for three kids. I'm frugal, but not a miracle worker.

Neither one of us can even afford the 850 mortgage on our current house.

I took a very pragmatic approach to choosing DH. I didn't marry him just for love. I'd never marry anyone only for love. I don't see why we can't take a pragmatic approach to divorce, if we need go there....

[giramomma]

I would get more details. MJ is assuming right now that they would share a room. I'd seek clarification on that point, first..Not to say, either that separate rooms equal no booty calls...but...guessing intent and knowing intent are two different things.

I agree though that a day trip would be a good place to start, if was agreeable.

And a simple no would suffice.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Oct 18, 2017 13:40:20 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I would get more details. MJ is assuming right now that they would share a room. I'd seek clarification on that point, first..Not to say, either that separate rooms equal no booty calls...but...guessing intent and knowing intent are two different things.

I agree though that a day trip would be a good place to start, if was agreeable.

And a simple no would suffice.

Convention hotels are usually not inexpensive, if that's where he's staying. Some cities are more expensive than others, but even cheaper cities can be $200/night.

[Tiny]

Oct 18, 2017 13:46:53 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Oct 18, 2017 13:40:20 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I would get more details. MJ is assuming right now that they would share a room. I'd seek clarification on that point, first..Not to say, either that separate rooms equal no booty calls...but...guessing intent and knowing intent are two different things.

I agree though that a day trip would be a good place to start, if was agreeable.

And a simple no would suffice.

Convention hotels are usually not inexpensive, if that's where he's staying. Some cities are more expensive than others, but even cheaper cities can be $200/night.

And aren't there extra charges for 'events' at the convention?  Cause otherwise why drive 4-5 hours/overnight  to spend a couple of hours wandering the open to the public areas OR spending hours holding a place in line for a general admission event doesn't sound like that much fun.

 

[Chocolate Lover]

No. No. NO. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Did I mention NO. It gives your DS too much wiggle room to hope about mommy & daddy getting back together. I won't even go into the hope XH would get out of it. Just. NO. 

I get wanting to do "family" type stuff with your DS but this is his new normal. "Family" outings are with whichever parent takes them. The most "family" thing DS ever got in relation to his dad is if his dad showed up to a band performance & he sat with me and all my family. 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Oct 18, 2017 12:47:55 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

it's a convention in another state (4-5 hour drive) so definitely an overnight trip. 

No. Nope. He's not going to let you meet up with us this time, either. 😏

[chiver78]

Oct 18, 2017 13:22:12 GMT -5 cael said:

Oct 18, 2017 12:47:55 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

it's a convention in another state (4-5 hour drive) so definitely an overnight trip. 

Take the sketchiness out of the rooming together situation - let X get a hotel for him & DS and you stay with me! (jk, we're probably too far away from this now to make that work well lol)

I'd maybe start w/ a day trip type of thing and not do an overnight, at least not at this point in time if you're worried about the booty call sitch.

ah....now I know which convention.     is there room for me to come up and crash as well? 

[NastyWoman]

Oct 18, 2017 13:08:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Oct 18, 2017 12:47:55 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

it's a convention in another state (4-5 hour drive) so definitely an overnight trip. 

A convention?  And this is supposed to be something the kid would enjoy?  Eh....  I can maybe see taking the kid to Disneyworld or something together...although I'd probably still want more people along as a buffer....but this is a "I want a companion to a convention trip". 

Unless my memory fails me this is something MJ proposed for a trip xH and his parents took MJs son on this summer and at that time X turned her down.

I think a special event in your city that takes only a few hours would be the extend that I would be willing to go. No chances for booty calls or anything of that kind...

[Deleted]

Oct 18, 2017 13:34:33 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Oct 18, 2017 13:14:13 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Planning the perfect divorce is about as difficult as planning the perfect marriage. It can be pretty hard to force another person to fit in the mold you create.

It can. But, again, DH and I have talked about this. This is our second time talking about what if...I mean, if you had 5-15 years to prepare for your divorce, you'd probably have time to talk things over, come to certain agreements, and take your time to make really good choices. It's not necessarily about making DH or I fit into some mold. It's doing what's best for the family unit. This is how we've always operated, for most things. Unfortunately it's the one that that DH didn't take care of that is the root cause of all of this.

Separate, neither one of us is going to make enough to support 4 kids, even part time. His earning power is like 40K, full time..If he's lucky. Realistically, it's more like 30-35K.

After alimony and child support, I'm going to have about 50% of my net pay to live with...I'm figuring about 2K a month. Out of 2K needs to come shelter, food, and at least 50% of all child related costs for three kids. I'm frugal, but not a miracle worker.

Neither one of us can even afford the 850 mortgage on our current house.

I took a very pragmatic approach to choosing DH. I didn't marry him just for love. I'd never marry anyone only for love. I don't see why we can't take a pragmatic approach to divorce, if we need go there....

It's all well and good until a 3rd party is in the picture who may not want to live in the condo down the hall that you chose for your ex.   

[thyme4change]

Sex or no, traveling with someone can be hard, period. I would start "doing stuff together" much slower - like going to the movies or bowling.

If he is weird around for the short time you see him now, an entire weekend of that sounds uncomfortable.