Multi generational households

[raeoflyte]

I'm curious who here is, has, or would live in a multi-generational household? Do the benefits of living together out-weigh some of the inconvenience?

My husband grew up with his grandmother living with them and loved it. It was culturally expected, and probably required. I don't think my FIL ever considered not living with his mother. My SIL lived with us for 6 months. It was really tight (2 bedrooms 1 bath for 3 adults, and a toddler), but it went really well and we enjoyed the company.

I love the idea of it now that we have a child. It seems like when these arrangements work well, the house occupants can't imagine going back.

However, I really like my space. Right now, I think I would rather live on the same block with my parents then be under the same roof.

[Urban Chicago]

I haven't, but I definitely would if needed.
I think the most likely scenario would be that my kids may not have as easy a time as I did being able to establish their own households. Not that they won't be good at what they do, but with the decline in the middle class, I'm trying to keep my expectations low.

[Deleted]

I live with my daughter. But at 2 I don't think she could afford her own place yet.

[chiver78]

my Nana lived with us when I was a kid. when my parents moved out of the second apartment in her 2-family house, she moved with them and rented out both apartments. she never drove, and my parents bought a house 10 miles away. I wouldn't say it was a cultural thing, but she did move in with her only daughter. my uncles couldn't be bothered to come visit more than once a year, and they both lived within an hour's drive.

most of the time, I loved it. she and I were (are) exactly alike though, and we had our moments! my sis and I both were very close to her, much closer than her other grandkids. she was older when she married and started a family, so we got a lot of very old-fashioned ideas from her. lots about how to conduct yourself in life, both personally and professionally.

I don't think I'd be up for doing that with my own parents. as much as I'd love to have my dad around daily, there are many quirks to my mom's personality and some destructive habits that I wouldn't want my kids (don't have any just yet) to pick up. I think my sis would agree - we both live more like Nana than like Mom.

I don't think I'd be who I am today if I hadn't grown up with her close influence. I miss her very much.

[Sum Dum Gai]

We did for a little bit when I got out of the military. Worse few months ever!

The kids got to spend a lot of time with their great grandmother, which was cool. My wife's parents were driving the wife and I crazy though. It was also hard on the kids. The in-laws had different ideas about some aspects of parenting than the wife and I did, so the kids had two standards to try and meet, sometimes without knowing it beforehand.

[thyme4change]

My parents both had any number of grandparents living with them at any given time in their childhood. They said it was because everyone was poor. It sounds like my father's grandmother had a hard time after her husband died. Her kids actually spent time in some sort of "home" which my grandfather called an orphanage. But, it seemed more temporary - as all the relative were still part of their lives?? Her house was foreclosed upon, and because there was no governmental welfare, she moved in with my grandparents. My mom's family crammed into a small house, and she was really close to her grandparents because of it.

Although I envy the relationships that emerged, I think I'm too far gone on my own space and being my own boss. I can't imagine being able to relax if my mom lived with me - she is so neat and clean, and I'm more "casual" and "relaxed." I hope my mom considers buying a house in my neighborhood after she finds her current house and yard are too much for her. That would be great!

[Wisconsin Beth]

My Mom grew up with her grandmother living with them.

I couldn't live with my ILs or my Dad. My Mom, no problem. DH and I discussed it a while back, he couldn't live with my Dad or his parents either but agreed my Mom would be OK to live with. We don't expect to have any of them live with us though.

[cronewitch]

Who is living with who would be my problem. Someone is head of household and the rest are not.

If you are a middle aged adult or older and have your parents or children living in a house you own you are head of household. If you are the parent living with the child or the child living with the parent you are not head of household.

I knew a family where the father died leaving a boy that hadn't left home yet and a housewife. Boy said dad didn't want you to work so I will support you. More than 10 years later he was 30 and wanted to move and marry. His mother said they weren't moving. He didn't want to bring a wife or future children to that neighborhood and it was a 2 bedroom house when he wanted to start a family.

My ex's grandparents wanted us to move in when they were elderly and needed help. I couldn't have stood it, their house, their dishes, their furniture, their gardens and flowerbeds.

I could stand people living with me but not me living with others until I didn't have any wants of my own. Two years ago my mom moved in with my brother but he is head of household. He and his wife are the decision makers, mom has 4 rooms but not kitchen, no dishes or serving things. They are nice to her but she is not head of household. When we visit her it is their home and I am careful to not intrude but it is slightly odd.

I can't imagine starting life in your childhood bedroom and ever expecting your parents to treat you as an equal. Until you are head of your own household you can't hardly grow up or do much without your parents permission.

[Agatha]

I live in a multi-generational household. It's me and my two nephews, both are grown men aged 29 and 36. Two years ago, my son came down (before second nephew) to go to grad school here. We hadn't lived together since he was 20, over eight years ago. He found an apartment he could afford on a GA job within 6 months and was out! The way he put it to me. "Well, you're Mom and you'll always be Mom. To him (his cousin) you're the neat aunt." My second nephew moved in a few months after that. And, yes, my son and I are still close.

In cronewitch's terminology I am "head of household" but all of it works for us. Both nephews do all of the holiday decorating and go all out with it. Both can fend for themselves if I decide I don't want to cook supper. My yard and garden are thriving because they both love plants, even though one likes the outside work better than the other. They can and do clean house; I've just learned to keep my mouth shut if it isn't exactly the way I would have done. One is a bit of a neat freak but the other isn't.

All in all, it's not bad. Yes, I know this isn't going to last. They talk about getting their own place. I figure I have about three more years, possibly. Meanwhile I'm going to enjoy it. And it's kind of nice knowing there are two more in the world , besides my son, who genuinely care about me and my well-being. Even extremely independent oldsters like myself enjoy that.

[Plain Old Petunia]

I believe it is likely my Mom will eventually live with me. She will have to move into my house.

My nephew (10 years my junior) has been living with me for almost 2 years now. I like having someone around the house who knows what to do about matters of which I am clueless. His kids spend the weekend sometimes, I like that too. They are more or less my son's age, even though my son is a generation ahead of them.

[suzicabloozie]

One or both of my grandmothers lived with my family at most times as I was growing up. My one grandmother had to go to a nursing home because it became too much for my parents to care for her. My other grandmother died with us.

I think I could do handle having a parent live with us if it came to that. I don't think either set of parents want to live with any of us though! My DD would love it, treats everyday!

[sheilaincali]

My Grandma has made my aunts and uncles promise that they won't make her go live with my mom. Apparently my mom is too bossy. Sure when I said that as a kid I was being a brat. But grandma says it and everyone agrees to obey her commands.

[thyme4change]

crone has an excellent point. If my parents or my in-laws were in dire circumstances, they would be welcome for as long as they needed, as long as they understood it is "my house." If I were in dire circumstances, I would go and stay with either of them - but for the shortest period of time I possibly could. I couldn't handle feeling dependent again.

I guess there could be a situation where we both needed to cut our finances and try to be roommates...I can't picture it unless I was 60, my Mom was 90, the kids were gone and the husbands were buried. Even then - I would think I was in charge, even if I let her think she was in charge. She would probably be thinking the same thing.

[Deleted]

You also have to take into consideration the culture.

I am Haitian so for me it is normal to see a multi generational houselholds.
I was raised in one, can count about 15 family members, inlaws and friends that are living in one now. In Haiti it is like 1 out of 3 houselholds.

[Peace Of Mind]

Mar 25, 2011 14:06:18 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

I live with my daughter. But at 2 I don't think she could afford her own place yet.

LOL, Archie!!

I do know that it is a cultural thing with a lot of people. I see it here. They buy huge houses in our neighborhood and/or even add on (MIL suite) to accommodate their families.

I would rather live in a tent or with complete strangers if I were in a financial bind. Seriously! Or I'd pay rent for them if it was one of them. I have a girlfriend who did get in one and she lives in a 5th wheel with her husband and 2 cats because she did not want to live with family.

[chiver78]

agathas, that sounds like a great living situation! and I totally understand your son's viewpoint. it's a very different dynamic when it's your mom vs. your aunt.

[Peace Of Mind]

When I was married to my first DH his father lived with us and we had full custody of his son from a previous marriage and his little sister. That was interesting for a newlywed at 22. Then my brother and his GF moved in with us when the FIL moved out. It wasn't too bad, but I was so young and had so much energy for it I considered it kind of fun. Now - not so much.

[hoops902]

"If you are a middle aged adult or older and have your parents or children living in a house you own you are head of household. If you are the parent living with the child or the child living with the parent you are not head of household."

You think so? I always tend to think of it as whoever is needed is the head of the household. I can think of plenty of examples where a grown child would have their own life and independence, but the parents need a caretaker and only the parent's home is large enough. I would still think of the adult child as the head of the household I guess. I can also think of plenty of instances where it is culturally expected that the elder is the head of the household, even if that elder has moved in with their children.

I mean what happens if you're 40, live in a 1 bedroom apt, and your parents need you to move in to take care of them? I would tend to think all things being equal, you're the head of the household because they need you, you don't need them.

[Deleted]

We are a different kind of multi-generational family. I have a granny flat at DD/DSIL's house. They have an 11-year-old, a 13-year old, and my DGS, who just turned 21, and is DD's nephew. When my DS and his wife died, DD became guardian to the two of his three kids who were still minors. At the time they were 12 and 13. DGS is a full-time student, works 3/4 time during the school year and full-time summers and school holidays. He's excited to be moving to his own place next month.

DGD moved when she graduated from high school two years ago and married shortly after that.

When my DH died, building the granny flat didn't seem to faze anybody because normal in this household has been such a different normal for so long! I do have my own full kitchen, and DGS and I share a bath that connects my place with the house.

Just before DS and his wife died, DD and DSIL bought this particular house because it has four bedrooms and a bonus room; DD was pregnant, and they wanted the extra space because they already had two kids. They day they closed, DD had a miscarriage. Four months later, DS died, and four months after that, his wife died. DD is convinced that someone was watching over her when they chose this house.

When DGS moves, the fourth bedroom is going to become the computer and game room for the kids.

When the day comes that I peel off and become a crispy critter, DD and DSIL will have to slug it out to decide whether the granny flat becomes an office for her or a man cave for him ;D

Anyway, it seems to work for us...I think because we all have our own space. To tell the truth, I wasn't sure about these living arrangements before the construction started because I didn't think two grown women who'd each had their own households could peacefully co-exist under the same roof. Without my own "house" in the house, I don't think it would have worked very well.


ETA: One more thing...I also have my own separate entrance from ouside.

[whoisjohngalt]

As usual, Crone made an excellent point. Even though I grew up with my grandma living with us, I don't know if I could live with my parents or my IL's. This whole "who is in charge" thing would create a disaster. My DH us super respectful towards his parents and his idea is that "our house is their house" and I just can't do that, mostly bc I find their ideas idiotic. I love my parents and have very good relationship with them, but don't know if I could live with my Mom. We are just too different. I could probably live with my Dad.

That being said, if either of them ever HAS TO move in, then that's what we'll do. That's how I was raised and I won't be able to say "no", but I pray almost daily that it will never happen.

Lena

[TheOtherMe]

My sister and I have both said neither of us could live with our mother. We both think we could have dad living with us, although she says I wouldn't be happy with him here.

I know she would happily take in one of her kids if they find themselves in dire financial straits--but they would have to have tried to work themselves out of it. If her daughter's husband were to lose his job, she is not going to let her two grandkids be homeless.

[Jake 48]

"so we got a lot of very old-fashioned ideas from her. lots about how to conduct yourself in life, both personally and professionally."

Chiver the world needs more of that, you get karma for your Nana

[busymom]

MissR, I love your living arrangement! Even your own personal entrance! Your house was very well thought out!

[chiver78]

Mar 25, 2011 18:39:56 GMT -5 Jake 48 said:

"so we got a lot of very old-fashioned ideas from her. lots about how to conduct yourself in life, both personally and professionally."

Chiver the world needs more of that, you get karma for your Nana

thanks, jake. I absolutely agree that the world needs more influences like her. not necessarily my Nana, but someone of that stature to a young person. our world is definitely more advanced than Nana's world, but I'm not so sure we're in a better place.

[Waffle]

When my parents split up, my mom and I moved in with her mother. For a short time one aunt and her two daughters also lived there. Very crowded, but I don't remember it as a bad experience.

Now many years later, my mom lives with me. We only butt heads occasionally.

[Havoc]

The "head of the household" issue is a big one, and one that we had to tackle albeit in a slightly different angle. My parents lived with us for over a year and a half, at our invitation and with my wife's enthusiastic approval in order to help them out while they were working through a pre-retirement move. I was the "head of the house" when I was around, but I was working some pretty long hours, leaving early, getting home at midnight and sometimes not seeing anyone all week... which led to the problems. My parents didn't view my wife as a "head of the house" and were very critical of her - houskeeping, parenting, etc. It was a bad sitation that gradually got worse, and it basically deconstructed what had been, until that point, a fabulous DIL/parents IL relationship. Intergenerational households are a norm in my wife's culture, but I don't think we will be undertaking that experiment again, with either side of the family. We expect that at least one of our parents will need to live with or close to family as they get older, so we are setting $$ aside to build a little cottage close to our house if the need ever comes up...

[midjd]

DH and I have discussed MIL moving in with us if we have kids (FIL is not in great health). On the other hand, my mom and I get along much better when we're not living under the same roof I think if it comes to it, my brother will take care of her. He's much more nurturing than either my sister or I.

We lived with DH's parents for 5 months after I graduated, so that we could save up some money to live on our own. It was actually kind of fun... DH and FIL both worked swing shift, so MIL and I did a lot of bonding. It was nice to have someone around to talk to after work. At the same time, I am one of those people who has to have at least a little alone time. If I did it again, I'd want a setup like Miss R's

[Phoenix84]

If I HAD to I think we could make it work. I'm not to keen about them moving in with me or me moving in with them. I think they feel the same way. I get along with my parents a lot better when there's a "buffer" of distance between us.

Short answer, I'd do it if I had to, I just hope I don't have to.

[cronewitch]

My family moved in with mom's parents when I was around 5. Grandpa worked swing shift so slept days. Mom had to spend the days trying to keep three preschool kids quiet. Mom hated it and was glad it wasn't long term. My grandparents let his mother move in when she was in her early 90s but it only lasted 18 months before grandma couldn't stand it. Grandma didn't drive so couldn't leave even if grandpa was home except to walk to the grocery store so was basicly housebound. I and my great aunt watched great grandma so grandma could go to my bother's graduation.

I think it can work if everyone knows their roll in the household and respects each other. If everyone gets some benefit and wants it to work like Aunt Bea on Andy Griffin show, she was invited to help out and wasn't a charity case.

[Deleted]

My parents have had various family members living with them at any given time. Living with either of their parents never worked out. They really couldn't handle each other's parents and ended up setting them each up in their own place. Various siblings and neices and nephews have also lived with them but not a permanent thing. But I don't think it has ever been just the two of them. That is not even counting the constant company they have, especially through the summer. The stay for a week kind of company.

At one point I lived with my grandmother, aunt and cousin. We were all females and it worked really well. It was my grandmother's place and she was head of the household. We helped her with expenses and she cooked for us and babysat for my aunt for an hour after school.

Right now I live alone with Charlie and soon I will have a little girl here. I can not imagine negotiating with another adult right now. The freedom is addicting.