SAHM advice

[financialpeace]

Hello,

It's been ages since I've posted here. I still lurk occasionally but haven't been able to keep up like I used to. Anyway, my husband and I have decided that I am going to quit my job by the end of September and stay home with our two year old twins for awhile. Work has been volatile for me for that last year. I started a new job last November, and I truly hate it. Me quitting isn't a great decision financially, but we feel it's the best thing for our family at this time. The goal is 6 months to one year while I reset a bit and make some decisions on what kind of job I want to pursue. If me staying home works well I will continue to stay home until the kids are in school.

I am looking for advice on the financial and sanity aspects of being a stay-at-home parent. I am nervous about the transition even though on paper we should be alright. Money will definitely be tight which we've never really experienced for. It will be a big change for all of us.

TIA

[Lizard Queen]

I can't say I'm doing this very successfully on any front, so no advice here, (but it has helped with my stress level tremendously). Just, good luck!

[kittensaver]

Routine helps A LOT - both for you and for the kids. Play around with a routine until you find one that is comfortable for all of you. But don't confuse Routine with Rigidity. You will quickly be able to tell the difference between flexibility in a routine and chaos.

Take as much care of yourself as you do the children. When you get up every day, shower and get dressed almost right away (before DH leaves for work, so he can watch the kids) - even if it's "just" in your workout clothes (get some cute ones before you quit). Nothing makes you feel crummy faster than slogging through the day in stained, worn out jammies or ancient sweat pants.

If the only exercise you can muster is one or two walks a day with the kids in the stroller, so be it. But get out of the house every day! Fresh air and sunshine will do both you and the kids some good. I hope you have a kid friendly park within walking or easy driving distance.

Check out your local community resources for a Moms' Clubs, Mommy and Me classes or similar groups. Do NOT spend a lot of money on this! If you poke around daycare centers, churches, community boards or even Meet Up, it will not be hard to find other moms who want connection and mutual support and don't want to spend a lot of money. If you can't find *anything* - start a group!

Find ways to stay in occasional touch with your "old life." If you intend to go back to work at some point, make the effort to stay in touch (even if it's only an occasional check-in on social media) with former colleagues you liked, former mentors and other professional folks who may be handy in the future.

Get help when you can. Caring for children alone is a full-time job! Think about what burdens you most and find an economical way to delegate it. Find moms who will trade babysitting for disliked household tasks - she watches your kids while you do her laundry, you watch her kids while she mows your lawn and trims your hedges. The trades are endless if you find the right mix.

Seek out, cultivate and cherish a Mom Tribe. Bulk shop with your Mom Tribe. Trade coupons with your Mom Tribe. Trade household chores and services with your Mom Tribe. Barter with your Mom Tribe. Have clothing and baby/child gear swaps with your Mom Tribe. Have manicure parties with your Mom Tribe. Start a vegetable garden with your Mom Tribe. Avoid long-term isolation like the plague. I'm NOT saying you have to exhaust yourself constantly being social and running around - but I am saying don't fall into the trap of depending solely on your DH for human companionship. It's too big a burden for him; you need your girlfriends too!

Good luck and I hope all goes well for you!

 

[raeoflyte]

I would recommend talking with your dh about both of your expectations, and talking about how you will continue to address those expectations vs. reality moments after you make the decision.  

While not a true sahd, dh works part time and we've had our issues with this.  I don't believe that a sahs needs to do all the housework, but I will definitely admit that I am frustrated that I do significantly more house and yard work than my spouse who works less than half of what I do.  

[whoisjohngalt]

Don't have any expectations or have any preconceived notions. Don't make any plans and don't feel like you have to come up with schedules from the get-go.

Take a month or two and see how it goes, things will start falling into routines on their own.

And figure out what works for YOU!


I did NOT get dressed first thing in the morning bc there were many mornings that I was spending hosing down my children from being covered in poop, paint, food, glue or combination of all. I am not graceful enough to do that in any kind of nice or cute clothes. So it was old T-shirts for a looong time. It didn't make me feel anything except comfortable.

[Lizard Queen]

What are you going to do with the kids if you need to go to an appointment during work hours? It's a good thing to plan for. I use a place 1 day/week so I can take my mom to her frequent appointments.

[financialpeace]

Thank you so much for this feedback. It is very helpful. My kids currently are baby-sat by a friend. We have already talked about exchanging babysitting so that we can both get some free time without it costing anything. My dh works six on eight off schedule. He is very good about making sure I have some time to myself, so I think we'll do alright there.

My biggest non-financial concern is the expectations thing. He doesn't really want to have that conversation. I've tried to bring it up multiple times. He just says he knows how much work the kids are and he doesn't expect me to do everything. But I think in reality he will expect a lot. I guess we'll just have to figure it out as we go. I think I may actually have more expectations of myself than he will.

[Shooby]

   I think that if you are relaxed and can take better care of yourself, your children and your husband then all those expectations will work themselves out.  I would focus less on the expectations that you or he has and really focus on creating a wonderful home and family life. 

[NoNamePerson]

Kick back and enjoy/cherish this time with the little ones

Mop the floor when they nap!!!

I was a sahm  but it was looooong time ago and different era. I went back to work when mine entered kindergarten but I was selling real estate so I had a somewhat flexible schedule.

But my first sentence is all I have to offer which is basically no help at all.   

[gooddecisions]

I don't stay at home, but if I did, I would upgrade my gym membership to a family plan. The family plan at my gym offers free child care in a kids zone while you work out. They also allow you to leave for up to two hours, which mean you could knock out a hair cut or some other errand without dragging the kids along. They also have date nights where they feed the kids and you and your husband can go out. How awesome is that? Kids get to play and socialize and you get time away.

My county's parks and rec department also offers dozens of toddler classes for really cheap. But I can't take advantage of those either since they are during the day. There are also great free programs at the library. 

Just see how great you can make it. 

[thyme4change]

The most important thing to do is rub your friends' faces in it, making sure they know you are a better mom than they are, and clearly you love your kids more.

[Sam_2.0]

Oh my goodness. How are they two already, FP? You need to come back to the kids thread for an update just jump in.

No advice on the sahm thing. Still working here and handling 90% of kids and household stuff. But hey, we are in counseling, lol. I am jealous of your opportunity, tbh. I hope it works out well!!

[financialpeace]

Hi Sam! They will be 3 in November and I just don't know how that is possible. It's been a whirlwind. I'll try to check into the kid thread tomorrow. Congrats on your newest little one!

Thank you for all the other comments. I don't know anyone who stays home with their kids, so the perspective is nice. I am struggling with the idea of being financially dependent on my husband. But we have just been surviving since the girls were born. Something has to change or we will foreve regret how we spent their younger years. My husband and I working different schedules results in very little family time and both of us feel like single parents. It's to the point that the girls always comment when we are all home together because it's such a novelty.

[alabamagal]

You weren't looking for moneyadvice, but make sure you adjust withholding for the earner since your taxes go down a lot.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Not a SAHM but something that gets mentioned a lot over on YM is making sure your husband sets up a spousal IRA for you so you're still earning money for retirement.  


Also you need to review his life insurance policies and up his coverage if need be.   You should make sure he has short term and long term disability insurance if he does not already.

[TheHaitian]

Jul 14, 2017 12:54:15 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

Get insurance on yourself if yoh can afford it. You have financial value too, even if you aren't working!

And bump up the insurance amount on your husband since he is the only one working... you don't want to have to rush back to work after you just buried him.

[kittensaver]

Jul 14, 2017 15:01:41 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Jul 14, 2017 12:54:15 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

Get insurance on yourself if yoh can afford it. You have financial value too, even if you aren't working!

And bump up the insurance amount on your husband since he is the only one working... you don't want to have to rush back to work after you just buried him.

This is excellent advice. As the primary wage earner, my folks had a large policy on my dad - and for just these reasons. I'm only sad it actually had to get used. BUT the policy was large enough that it gave my mother some breathing room to grieve and to take time to figure out what she wanted to do next. It never would have covered her in retirement, but it gave her time to consider her option and even go back to school to get a good-paying job to secure her future. She would not have been able to do that if she was instantly thrown into stressing about keeping a roof over our heads.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I've only skimmed through, so this might have been mentioned already. 
For me, the house is not cleaner when my kids were little and we were at home. 
While it certainly wasn't dirty, we just had stuff out that were doing. 
When we all go to work/school in the morning, the house is clean and everything is put away. When we come home from work/school, the house is clean because no one is there to mess it up. 
It sounds logical when it's in black and white like that, but it could be frustrating when my mindset was "well, I'm home so the house should be spotless/magazine picture-ready all the time."

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jul 13, 2017 22:16:52 GMT -5 financialpeace said:

Hi Sam! They will be 3 in November and I just don't know how that is possible. It's been a whirlwind. I'll try to check into the kid thread tomorrow. Congrats on your newest little one!

Thank you for all the other comments. I don't know anyone who stays home with their kids, so the perspective is nice. I am struggling with the idea of being financially dependent on my husband. But we have just been surviving since the girls were born. Something has to change or we will foreve regret how we spent their younger years. My husband and I working different schedules results in very little family time and both of us feel like single parents. It's to the point that the girls always comment when we are all home together because it's such a novelty.

I completely understand what you're saying, and I agree that you won't regret staying home for a while. It's worth the loss of earnings. 

[quince]

If he doesn't expect you to do it all when you're working, he probably won't expect you to do it all when you're not.  When I worked, my husband did his share, and now that I'm not employed he still does. 

Nth on the spousal IRA. Also make sure if you had any kind of separate accounts, spending money is sorted.  Make sure you arrange for both of you to have some downtime, having the flexibility to have downtime is the best part of SAHS!

Expect the house to be lived in. Make sure your expectations of YOURSELF are realistic.  You're not staying home because you want all the housework to be impeccably done, you want more family time, so get the housework good enough and focus on what you want to get out of staying at home.

Good luck with the big change!

[financialpeace]

Thanks everyone I appreciate all the comments. You have me some good things to think about and also feel more confident in our decision. Now I just need to solidify an end date for my job!

[giramomma]

I noticed you mentioned this would only be until the kids went to school. If you can swing it, I'd really recommend when you do go back that you back part time.

FWIW.

My school kids absolutely need me more when they are school aged then when they are in the daycare years.

Yes, the kids are less physically demanding once they get to school age. But that's about the only place that you gain.

Your kids don't have homework. You don't have to attend school plays, concerts, mother's day teas, parent teacher conferences, school projects. There's no school kid drama.

I'm currently pregnant, and my oldest is going to be in 8th grade. I'm way more concerned about him transitioning to high school than I am about the baby.

In our case, DH works part time. This has really been the best for us. As a full time SAHD (we just had one, awesome sleeper, etc), DH didn't get much done other than child care. He was always like...meh don't need to do x because there's always tomorrow.

A part time job gave him structure. It gave him adults to talk to. But it also took the pressure off me. Plus, DH's parents live near us, and we'll need to help them as they age. There's just no way we could balance all that while both of us work full time.

[CCL]

Jul 13, 2017 19:56:51 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Kick back and enjoy/cherish this time with the little ones

Mop the floor when they nap!!!

I was a sahm  but it was looooong time ago and different era. I went back to work when mine entered kindergarten but I was selling real estate so I had a somewhat flexible schedule.

But my first sentence is all I have to offer which is basically no help at all.   

Yeah, I was gonna go back to work when the baby started kindergarten. Next thing I knew, the kid was in college and I still didn't have a job lol.

The hardest thing for me at first was getting used to not having a routine, so I just started creating one. Monday laundry, Tuesday groceries, etc.

We were actually better off financially after I quit working because I got better at managing everything and in the end we came out ahead.

[gooddecisions]

Jul 15, 2017 21:24:29 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Yes, the kids are less physically demanding once they get to school age. But that's about the only place that you gain.

Your kids don't have homework. You don't have to attend school plays, concerts, mother's day teas, parent teacher conferences, school projects. There's no school kid drama.

I am definitely doing it wrong. All of that stuff started for me and my kids when they were 12 weeks old. Plus, with 20 kids in each room, there are so many birthday parties on the weekends. I guess I should brace myself for it to get even harder. 

[giramomma]

Jul 16, 2017 7:56:25 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

Jul 15, 2017 21:24:29 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Yes, the kids are less physically demanding once they get to school age. But that's about the only place that you gain.

Your kids don't have homework. You don't have to attend school plays, concerts, mother's day teas, parent teacher conferences, school projects. There's no school kid drama.

I am definitely doing it wrong. All of that stuff started for me and my kids when they were 12 weeks old. Plus, with 20 kids in each room, there are so many birthday parties on the weekends. I guess I should brace myself for it to get even harder. 

Our kids have never gone to daycare that did that sort of stuff. We do in-home until 2.5-3 years of age, part time two days a week. (There's generally no center that will take kids only two days a week.) When our kids go to preschool, we drop down to one day of daycare. (Though, with #3, she went to grandma/grandpas one day a week instead of in-home when we had financial difficulties. They are already chomping at the bit to take care of this kid one day a week.)

The preschools we send our kids two meet for two days a week for 3 hours. They don't have time to do all the concerts, plays, etc.

We only get that when the kids start 4k (for us, full time.)

The kind of projects I'm talking about are like my 3rd grader's end of the year project was to do a report on a historical figure. She had to read a book, do research, prepare a speech (some of this done in class some at home), make a poster and find clothes to look like the person (in our case Clara Barton) (all done at home.)

In 4th grade, the kids start doing monthly book reports, at home, on top of homework expectations. Memorizing math facts is another thing is done outside the realm of normal school work.

But, that's also our school. It's private, and tends to be a little more rigorous come 4th grade. (By 6th grade, for example, in Spanish, the kids start with the same curriculum that the public schools do in 9th grade.) Otherwise, they subscribe to the 10 minutes of homework (excluding reading) per grade.

Birthday parties depend on the personality of the class. By far, DD2's class seems to be the party class. And parties only seem to be popular until about 3rd grade. Then it seems to lessen. DD1's class doesn't do sleep overs. There are parents that won't let their kids away from them overnight for one night at age 9-10. DS's class, the parents were quite the opposite. You say sleep over, and the parents have the kids all packed up and at your door 5 minutes later, even at age 7.

But, then it's also again, a trade off..things like birthday parties decrease as kids get older, but organized sports start in 5th grade. So, we don't get birthday parties, but sports are a 3-4 day/week commitment...two days of practice and 1-2 games a week.

For us, it really hit in 5th grade. Middle school years are hard with activities..It helps if you have folks that can carpool, etc. Kids aren't old enough to completely get around themselves (unless they live within walking distance of school). And, depending on your kid..they may or may not get homework done without oversight. DS is like that, still at 13, we need to keep an eye on him while he does his work.. My DD1 at 8/9, she comes home, has her snack and gets her homework done without needing any prompting.

For school drama, we found that the mean girl phase hits, starting in 2nd grade. So far, DD1 seems to have escaped it. The mean girl thing also rachets up again when girls get smart phones and are on social media. Bullying over technology still happens pretty often in middle school. (The terrible thing at our school is many parents don't really watch what their kids are doing online, because it's parochial school, so of course the kids would never misbehave. )


ETA: I find emotional stuff to be more draining the physical. And who knows, you may be different. But, for me, I find the on-going discussions/concerns about sexual activity, technology misuse, appropriate behavior (beyond hitting/spitting, etc), navigating the tween years when they aren't kids and aren't teens, hormones, ..to be harder than getting through the constant physical needs in the early years.

So, some of it depends..too on the parents. I'm sure there's other parents that are more drained by physical needs than mental/emotional ones.

[financialpeace]

I was not super fond of motherhood when the girls were infants. I did not expect myself to be wanting to stay home with them now. They started talking about 6 months ago and it has been a total game changer for me. They are way more fun and it's easier to figure out what their needs are now. I definitely agree that some people find stages hard that others find easy. I think the tween stage will be very difficult for me and was a big part of why I was hoping for boys instead of girls.

I do hope to go back to work part time when I go back and/or find something I can do from home. Part of the reason for this time off is to figure out what kind of job will work better for me and my family. I make decent money now, but I am bored to tears and completely unmotivated. I want to find something that will be a little more rewarding. I do have a high need for accomplishment, and I think that will be difficult for me while staying home.

[NastyWoman]

Jul 14, 2017 12:54:15 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

Get insurance on yourself if yoh can afford it. You have financial value too, even if you aren't working!

 and don't set the value too low. Should something happen to you, DH will not just be a sole provider -> he will also have to pay for a way take care of the kids, potentially outside regular workhours as well. And that is not going to be cheap!!!
This was one of my two pieces of financial advice to DS2 after DGS1 was born (the other was saving for college)

[zibazinski]

You need to plan on at least 25-30k for a cook/housekeeper/nanny and that's not including health insurance and other benefits for that person. Also a car. I've seen a situation where that happened. He lucked out by getting a divorcée who had no job skills other than wife/mother. Cost him $400 a week and insurance, retirement, car(which was his wife's) and paid vacation. Only Monday through Friday as well. She cleaned up after the children and did their laundry. She did not clean the house but she did prepare dinner. He needed her until the last one finished high school. By that time she was 65 and could go on Medicare and had social security and a retirement account. She had been smart enough to have a small paid off condo so she was set thankfully but it doesn't always work out that way. You need cash to replace yourself with someone decent.

[financialpeace]

Someone mentioned spousal ira. I have an ira now from an old 401k rollover. Can I add to that or is there a separate ira type called spousal ira that we need to open?

[quince]

Not a separate IRA type. It's basically just that having income as a family allows an unemployed spouse to contribute to an IRA. Your existing IRA should be fine.