struggling to understand lost opportunities

[Deleted]

Cant go too deep at this point but, after 42 years of marriage, DH wants everything to be totally awesome and I am not there. I can't ever recover all the last opportunities like going to a beach (he hates sand and salt water), living in a house without overwhelming noise (just finally got two TV's under $1,000 and he can hear them at a volume which enables me to have a phone convo two rooms away).  I am angry, very angry, because I can't recover the lost time and chances while living with a man who wants it all to be pretty.  Well, it damn well can't!  There was a time when I was size 8 and healthy and we could have had the vacation opportunities, but those days are long gone and NOW he wants to head to a tropical vacay?  Oh, hell no!  I am trying to let go of past dreams but not there yet.  We always had the $$, but he just demanded the impossible.  And still does.  Sorry for whining, but you folks are all I have to be honest with.  

[Shooby]

What is it he wants to do?  What is it that you would like to do at this point?

[msventoux]

I don't know the extent of what's going on, but I'm sorry that you're hurt and frustrated. I hope you find your understanding and peace.

[CCL]

I'm sorry you are struggling. Maybe you could take another sort of trip, something you both could enjoy? 

[sesfw]

This is going to sound very 'not nice' ........ but is he going through a mid-life crisis?  If so this can be a real problem.

I think my DH sorta went through this before his first wife got sick and passed.  Since we've been married he has tried to do all the things, again, that he and DW did.

However both of us being in our late 70s, the stamina just isn't there.  Nor is the desire from me.

I'm sorry about your frustration and I hope things get calmed down soon.

[simser]

Hi!

Your post is very confusing, but what comes through is frustration. I think all relationships have their moments of sheer and utter frustration, so please come back tomorrow and let us know more background. Maybe we can calm you down and give suggestions so you become happy! We want the best for you.

[weltschmerz]

It IS confusing. You wanted to go to the beach but he hates sand and salt water but now he wants to go and you're upset because you're not a size 8 anymore?

I suspect there's more lurking beneath this than a tropical vacation and noise. Those are just symptoms of greater issues.

What's really the problem?

[Shooby]

   You do sound frustrated.  So, this is a good place to vent.  What dreams have you let go of?  You still are upright and engaged so there is nothing that should stop you from doing at least some of the things you want to do.  How do you think you can accomplish some of them at this point?  Maybe try to focus on what you can do today and going forward?

[Deleted]

Please tell us more.  My initial impression is that you've been doing things DH's way for 42 years and now you're about to explode.  There's a price paid for always being accommodating and swallowing your own "wants" to make someone else happy.  Women are frequently programmed that way, especially our generation (I'm 64).  I did that with my first husband and divorced him after 13 years- more problems than that, but all our spare $$ went to his wants, leaving little for mine.  Has your husband known all along how disappointed you were that you never could have things the way you wanted them?

It's not too late.  You may need the help of a counselor but you need to sort out what YOU want now, and go get it. I can tell you from what I see on beaches that being larger than size 8 doesn't hold people back from beach vacations, and it shouldn't hold you back, either.  I just spent a vacation off Panama and Costa Rica, snorkeling, swimming, hiking and kayaking.  If you still want a beach vacation, do it!

[Shooby]

  In life, when we choose one path, that means there was another path we didnt' pursue.  And, no matter what, there are always things that we didn't do that we could have done differently.  But, your life experiences and choices made you who you are today.  And, we can only proceed by going forward.  I would also suggest that go to the beach!   Nobody cares what size you are.

[giramomma]

I think I get you a bit, OP.

DH and I don't have much in common. The biggies we do: religion, parenting, money outlooks.

The hobbies/interests/aspirations as and as far as personalities go, we're pretty opposite. We've found common ground as our relationship progressed during the courtship years.

How I couch "giving things up" depends on my mood. If I'm really hurt and upset, then I frame things as "giving things up." I also know that's the hurt talking. Most of the time, FOR ME, I understand that I didn't really give things up, it's that I had to make different choices based on changing priorities.

I used to like to go out dancing. My H not so much. I never pushed. I figured well, Ok, because I was looking at the big picture.

We've been chatting a lot in the past few weeks. He told me that he thought maybe we could take a ballroom dance class.

My first reaction was, hell no buddy. Too little too late. Where were you when I wanted to do this? I put these wants/desires to bed a long time ago. You aren't bringing them up now!

But, when I really started listening to DH, he misses his wife. That's what it boils down to. He wants to spend time with me, without the kids. I can't begrudge a guy for that.

We've got a big challenge ahead of us. My inclination is to completely cut down our spending to only absolute necessities, especially with everything that's going on right now. That's incompatible with things like paying $15/hour for a sitter. I don't want to use my ILs now, because I think we're really going to need them later.

But, I'm confident we can find a way to get everyone's needs met.

[busymom]

I'm just sending some <HUGS> your direction.  I, too, can feel your frustration.  Not totally sure what the issues are.  Is your DH a perfectionist?  (I had a friend who used to be married to one of those.  If he even found a speck of dirt on the carpet, he'd blow a fuse, in spite of having kids & a dog. He refused to go to counseling, so you know what happened to that marriage.)  Or, as has already been suggested, have you put your wants on hold to try to meet his, & you feel ready to blow?  (Been there, done that.  I, too, put up with less bull than I used to.)  Whatever is going on, this is the place to vent.  When you feel ready to share more, we'll be here!  

[billisonboard]

Why didn't you go to the beach on one of your annual trips with your BFF?

[seriousthistime]

May 7, 2017 9:04:02 GMT -5 busymom said:

I'm just sending some <HUGS> your direction.  I, too, can feel your frustration.  Not totally sure what the issues are.  Is your DH a perfectionist?  (I had a friend who used to be married to one of those.  If he even found a speck of dirt on the carpet, he'd blow a fuse, in spite of having kids & a dog. He refused to go to counseling, so you know what happened to that marriage.)  Or, as has already been suggested, have you put your wants on hold to try to meet his, & you feel ready to blow?  (Been there, done that.  I, too, put up with less bull than I used to.)  Whatever is going on, this is the place to vent.  When you feel ready to share more, we'll be here!  

I think we all get to that point.  It took me years to even express a preference.  There was just no point to it because it would be rejected anyway.  Even something as simple as deciding on toppings on a pizza...

I'm not sure when things changed.  Maybe it was the big realization about lost opportunities.  Once the kids were out of the house I began to put myself first.  If you don't, who will?      

[Miss Tequila]

May 7, 2017 9:55:19 GMT -5 seriousthistime said:

May 7, 2017 9:04:02 GMT -5 busymom said:

I'm just sending some <HUGS> your direction.  I, too, can feel your frustration.  Not totally sure what the issues are.  Is your DH a perfectionist?  (I had a friend who used to be married to one of those.  If he even found a speck of dirt on the carpet, he'd blow a fuse, in spite of having kids & a dog. He refused to go to counseling, so you know what happened to that marriage.)  Or, as has already been suggested, have you put your wants on hold to try to meet his, & you feel ready to blow?  (Been there, done that.  I, too, put up with less bull than I used to.)  Whatever is going on, this is the place to vent.  When you feel ready to share more, we'll be here!  

I think we all get to that point.  It took me years to even express a preference.  There was just no point to it because it would be rejected anyway.  Even something as simple as deciding on toppings on a pizza...

I'm not sure when things changed.  Maybe it was the big realization about lost opportunities.  Once the kids were out of the house I began to put myself first.  If you don't, who will?      

I also think it happens slowly. By the time I divorced my ex i realized that everything was about what he wanted in life. That isn't why we divorced but it took me being out of that marriage to realize what I had allowed to happen.

I'm not the young dumb kid that married him any longer. I will never allow myself to be overshadowed by someone else. My bf didn't want to go on a cruise last year (to be fair he is self-employer and he was struggling to find someone reliable). so I went without him...this time he is going :-p.

I think women do have a tendency to put their partners wants above their own and over time we build resentment.

[Happy prose]

I completely understand your post @donethat. You resent your husband. I'm in the same boat, but I always did things on my own or with friends. But I still resent him for not doing things with me. I say ignore his new 'wants' and go out with friends or family and enjoy yourself. Leave him home. (How's that for healthy relationship advice? Lol)

[Artemis Windsong]

Pack your bags and go on the vacation.  Live for right now.  Focus on today.  There is a lot of life to be lived in a lot of different areas.  A lot of lifestyles/activities to try-out in the short-term.  Not everything will fit.

I have friends in their 80s catching up on things they wanted to do while younger.  Several friends tried painting a picture for the first time this week.

Step out in wonder and adventure.  If he stays home then he lost.

[NastyWoman]

May 7, 2017 14:03:24 GMT -5 Artemis Windsong said:

Pack your bags and go on the vacation.  Live for right now.  Focus on today.  There is a lot of life to be lived in a lot of different areas.  A lot of lifestyles/activities to try-out in the short-term.  Not everything will fit.

I have friends in their 80s catching up on things they wanted to do while younger.  Several friends tried painting a picture for the first time this week.

Step out in wonder and adventure.  If he stays home then he lost.

  . Find what you'd like to do now; whether it is what you dreamed about many years ago or not is irrelevant. Today is what you can change/live. Don't allow your feelings create new missed opportunities. It is not even about how you deserve it after all these years. You always deserved it, but unless you seize the opportunity now you may never get it --- a half full glass is better than no glass at all. Once you get in the swing of living for you, you may even look back with fondness at the things that were fun in the past. 

[mamasita99]

No advice, just wanted to say you guys are a great community, and your advice for one helps many

[Rob Base 2.0]

Struggling to understand your post.

[NoNamePerson]

May 6, 2017 20:55:37 GMT -5 @donethat said:

Cant go too deep at this point but, after 42 years of marriage, DH wants everything to be totally awesome and I am not there. I can't ever recover all the last opportunities like going to a beach (he hates sand and salt water), living in a house without overwhelming noise (just finally got two TV's under $1,000 and he can hear them at a volume which enables me to have a phone convo two rooms away).  I am angry, very angry, because I can't recover the lost time and chances while living with a man who wants it all to be pretty.  Well, it damn well can't!  There was a time when I was size 8 and healthy and we could have had the vacation opportunities, but those days are long gone and NOW he wants to head to a tropical vacay?  Oh, hell no!  I am trying to let go of past dreams but not there yet.  We always had the $$, but he just demanded the impossible.  And still does.  Sorry for whining, but you folks are all I have to be honest with.  

No you can't recover the lost time but you have a choice about the present and future times. It's up to you. I had to chuckle about the beach and salt water and sand - that is ALL my EX wanted to do since his folks had a house on Panama City beach. I wanted to do travel so I just started going to places on my own and with friends. When my son was a little older I took him on "mother's culture trips" so he would know more than PC beach like his dad.

I won't even suggest a solution to the problem since I opted out after 18 yrs and can't begin to comprehend a decision after 42 yrs of marriage. Just decide what YOU want going forward and heck, what's the worse that can happen?? 

Good luck is all I've got!!!!!  

[Deleted]

Thanks to all who commented-I'm still struggling to comprehend things myself.  Yes, great resentment and little hope.  I'm dealing alone with my personal health issues and he wants to go to Germany and Vietnam.  Where I will have to be by his side every freaking minute because he is deaf as a post and very confused mentally.  More later if I can; life is hard right now because he's become hostile and a little bit scary.

[Tennesseer]

Hang in there.

[Shooby]

May 7, 2017 18:25:33 GMT -5 @donethat said:

Thanks to all who commented-I'm still struggling to comprehend things myself.  Yes, great resentment and little hope.  I'm dealing alone with my personal health issues and he wants to go to Germany and Vietnam.  Where I will have to be by his side every freaking minute because he is deaf as a post and very confused mentally.  More later if I can; life is hard right now because he's become hostile and a little bit scary.

Sorry to hear that. But if that is the case you might want to stick closer to home. The beach would be fine. Not sure traveling to Vietnam or Germany would be wise. He should have a complete physical.

[Opti]

May 7, 2017 18:25:33 GMT -5 @donethat said:

Thanks to all who commented-I'm still struggling to comprehend things myself.  Yes, great resentment and little hope.  I'm dealing alone with my personal health issues and he wants to go to Germany and Vietnam.  Where I will have to be by his side every freaking minute because he is deaf as a post and very confused mentally.  More later if I can; life is hard right now because he's become hostile and a little bit scary.

I feel worried now. Do you have family and friends for support? Does he have dementia? Some people can become violent and mean as Alzheimers or related diseases progress.

[busymom]

May 7, 2017 18:25:33 GMT -5 @donethat said:

Thanks to all who commented-I'm still struggling to comprehend things myself.  Yes, great resentment and little hope.  I'm dealing alone with my personal health issues and he wants to go to Germany and Vietnam.  Where I will have to be by his side every freaking minute because he is deaf as a post and very confused mentally.  More later if I can; life is hard right now because he's become hostile and a little bit scary.

   So sorry to hear of what you're dealing with.  Not to be nosy, but when was the last time your DH had a physical?  I know someone whose husband had Parkinson's, & he was VERY violent at the end.  Of course, there are a number of reasons that people can get hostile as they age, so your doctor might be able to help you figure him out.  Best wishes!  

[Happy prose]

May 7, 2017 18:25:33 GMT -5 @donethat said:

Thanks to all who commented-I'm still struggling to comprehend things myself.  Yes, great resentment and little hope.  I'm dealing alone with my personal health issues and he wants to go to Germany and Vietnam.  Where I will have to be by his side every freaking minute because he is deaf as a post and very confused mentally.  More later if I can; life is hard right now because he's become hostile and a little bit scary.

I also think you should get him to a dr. Are you able to hire some help so you can get a break?

[dee27]

May 7, 2017 18:25:33 GMT -5 @donethat said:

Thanks to all who commented-I'm still struggling to comprehend things myself.  Yes, great resentment and little hope.  I'm dealing alone with my personal health issues and he wants to go to Germany and Vietnam.  Where I will have to be by his side every freaking minute because he is deaf as a post and very confused mentally.  More later if I can; life is hard right now because he's become hostile and a little bit scary.

Please take care of you, too. I hope tomorrow is a better day. 

[TheOtherMe]

May 7, 2017 18:25:33 GMT -5 @donethat said:

Thanks to all who commented-I'm still struggling to comprehend things myself.  Yes, great resentment and little hope.  I'm dealing alone with my personal health issues and he wants to go to Germany and Vietnam.  Where I will have to be by his side every freaking minute because he is deaf as a post and very confused mentally.  More later if I can; life is hard right now because he's become hostile and a little bit scary.

This concerns me a lot.  Has he been seen by a doctor. 

[Shooby]

 I think you need to take some time for yourself.  Do something for you.  Go to a spa and have a massage and pedicure.  Get some time out to clear your head.