billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on May 7, 2017 22:10:42 GMT -5
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on May 8, 2017 0:49:35 GMT -5
Well, as many of you know, I have spent half my life alone, I am resentful too. Spent 47 years caring for DD and still am. Yes I brought her back home after a year and am doing it again, but the situation she was living in was doing more harm then help to her, I was watching her sink into depression. If it had been fairly decent I would have left her there. I wanted and want a life of my own, but I could not bear to do it.
We all have some type of issues, my husband doesn't go either though a few weeks ago he actually went with us. My life is far from what I wanted but you have to work something out or you will lose it. I am still going and going to go with DD when I can for as long as I can. It is not what I want but compromise is what I had to do. You are right we are not size 8's anymore or most of us aren't. A lot of things are different because we had to wait, but do what you can to make it happy.
It sounds like your husband has health issues, I hate to say it but maybe dementia starting? I agree with the others he needs a health evaluation but I can guess how he might respond to that. So good luck to you, come back, there are a great bunch of listeners here, they have helped me by just being here as a group though the years. Especially for people like us with no one else.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 8, 2017 6:31:47 GMT -5
I'm not sure how this post is at all helpful to the OP. Yes her original post may have been confusing, but it is very clear that she's struggling with what to do after 40+ years of marriage. That's a monumental burden to be carrying. In a subsequent post, she also alludes to be scared of his behavior. I'm not at all sure how digging up her past posts about 100k retirement income and past vacations or even the skin cancer is relevant not to mention compassionate. I can't help but speak up because I can only imagine how she might feel after reading that.
OP - if you are at all worried for your safety, please go to a safe place. Don't give a second thought to what people on the outside looking in may think. In the meantime, it's okay to allow yourself a pity party for a bit, but then don't get caught forever in what might have been.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2017 7:08:59 GMT -5
I'm not sure how this post is at all helpful to the OP.<snip> OP - if you are at all worried for your safety, please go to a safe place. Don't give a second thought to what people on the outside looking in may think. In the meantime, it's okay to allow yourself a pity party for a bit, but then don't get caught forever in what might have been. It does show that she's got resources for some of the things people suggest- a thorough medical evaluation, respite care while she does things that will make her happy, etc. OP, I can understand your reluctance to travel with your husband as he is right now. DH and I had wonderful travels together but he was always forgetting some prescription or other (and I'd have to scramble to find replacements because he had less stamina) and he was a fall risk, so I always worried about that. He wasn't ever mean or scary, though, and it would be hard to predict how your husband would handle the stress of commercial airline flights, between the TSA rigmarole and being cooped up in a tiny seat for hours. I agree with azucena and others that you need to think of your own safety first.
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Value Buy
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Post by Value Buy on May 8, 2017 8:51:22 GMT -5
I was thinking the say thing about his wanting to visit Vietnam. Many war vets desire to do it. I have thought about it myself, but have thought better of it. The country is so different, there could be a Vietnam style WalMart right where we were stationed today.........I think the actual grunts who were in the fight have a desire to revisit there. The skin cancer issue could be from Agent Orange too. If he cannot hear, has anyone suggested a hearing aid, or is this a war wound issue too? If money is not the issue, get it off his bucket list, and do the same for herself. Every year you have left.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on May 8, 2017 8:57:38 GMT -5
I'm not sure how this post is at all helpful to the OP. Yes her original post may have been confusing, but it is very clear that she's struggling with what to do after 40+ years of marriage. That's a monumental burden to be carrying. ...
... In the meantime, it's okay to allow yourself a pity party for a bit, but then don't get caught forever in what might have been. Attempting to offer perspective. The original post suggests to me that husband is also struggling and is burdened with a lot. Perhaps a reason to shorten a personal pity party. And yes, a risk of physical danger changes the equation and needs to be dealt with directly.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 8, 2017 9:07:00 GMT -5
Another thought on your husband.
I don't know how old he is...I'm going to take a stab at the dark and say pushing 70.
The dude has got health issues (minimally, the hearing). If he's starting to get combative/belligerent, more so, than say when he was in his 40s...there's clearly other stuff going on.
He may be sensing that his health is deteriorating and be freaking scared about it.
And that scaredness may be coming out in him trying to make amends/spending time with you.
I don't know too many men pushing 70 that are really into deep emotional intimacy. Rather, it's just the opposite. Most of the men I know of that age, well, it's rare they talk about anything other than the weather, the sports, or a book that they might be reading.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on May 8, 2017 10:22:48 GMT -5
Please take him to the doctor for a health exam to look at the causes for his confusion and behavior issues. My grandmother was pushed by her husband and broke her hip, which ultimately resulted in his Alzheimer diagnosis, but she never really recovered from the broken hip.
If he is in good health and is not behaving unpredictably, it sounds like you have the resources to book trips with a guide and with the itinerary planned out to minimize potential issues. That way you won't be doing all the leg work and responsible for everything, just pay someone else to do it and try to get as much enjoyment as possible.
Or if you want to do things yourself and he isn't able, you can book in a small group through a travel agent so you aren't alone in foreign places.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on May 9, 2017 20:38:40 GMT -5
My husband was in Vietnam, no desire on his part to go back, guess it just depends on the person.
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