swamp
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Post by swamp on May 3, 2017 9:09:09 GMT -5
I probably don't need to hire. My parents have a pretty good social network, siblings, multiple nieces and nephews, neighbors, etc. We're OK for a few weeks. If something happens to my dad, I get my mom on the list for assisted living and call my friend who is a home care nurse case manager to set up home care from her agency. The problem is I have to coordinate it until permanent care is arranged.
Now that my dad is out of the hospital, he would not accept help. Nor does he need it when all is going well.
Money isn't an issue right now. They're fine there. Not rich, but sufficient assets to whether a crisis and into a new normal.
The most recent crisis came as a shock (as much of a shock as you're going to get with a 78 year old with a pacemaker).
As far as a secretary goes, we'll see how the other career issue works out first.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on May 3, 2017 9:17:00 GMT -5
Get them a part time caretaker to help out around the house regardless. Even if it's just someone to clean the house so it's not all on your dad. Taking care of your mom all of the time has got to be stressful.
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suesinfl
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Ugh.
May 3, 2017 9:56:37 GMT -5
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Post by suesinfl on May 3, 2017 9:56:37 GMT -5
Swamp, it sounds like you just need a fun day or two off and away from everyone. Is there a way you can take a couple of days to hang out with some friends sans kids, parents, DH, etc?
It does sound like your parents' have a great network and you have thought of the possible situations. Best of luck in your new adventures.
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Rob Base 2.0
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Ugh.
May 3, 2017 10:41:23 GMT -5
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Post by Rob Base 2.0 on May 3, 2017 10:41:23 GMT -5
Not 2B a H8R, but didn't u just go on vacay?
But it sounds stressful, I vote hire some stuufff out too
And axe sum siblings to help too (if they say they are too far away, etc. have a list of monetary ways they could help handy---like: "well could u help pay for lawn care since dad can't mow? It looks like it will cost X".,.....etc.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 3, 2017 10:59:32 GMT -5
Not 2B a H8R, but didn't u just go on vacay? But it sounds stressful, I vote hire some stuufff out too And axe sum siblings to help too (if they say they are too far away, etc. have a list of monetary ways they could help handy---like: "well could u help pay for lawn care since dad can't mow? It looks like it will cost X".,.....etc. Yes, and my mother went in the hospital when we were there. I also spent the week with my parents. Yes, I did fun things, but I also did stuff with my mom to give my dad a break. And then DH got an email from work that made him very angry, so he had to go for very walks to calm down and not take the anger out inappropriately.
ETA: My sister has them in FL 3 months of the year, and coordinates most of the medical stuff. DH is a pharmacist and coordinates the pills. I have no beef with my siblings, they do what they can. When dad went in the hospital, my brother dropped everything and came up. My sister was willing to come up. It's just the initial planning falls on me.
Money is not an issue. They can afford help. My dad is hiring a guy to do some home repairs this spring, knowing he can't do it anymore. He knows his limitations, but it doesnt' stop him from being unhappy about it. He used to be the one building porches for old guys who couldn't do the work themselves. It makes him sad.
Yes, I'm venting and whining.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Ugh.
May 3, 2017 11:07:06 GMT -5
Post by swamp on May 3, 2017 11:07:06 GMT -5
Swamp, it sounds like you just need a fun day or two off and away from everyone. Is there a way you can take a couple of days to hang out with some friends sans kids, parents, DH, etc? It does sound like your parents' have a great network and you have thought of the possible situations. Best of luck in your new adventures. I'm going to lake placid for a seminar on Friday, staying over Thursday. does that count?
I went to New Orleans with friends in November. I usually do one girl trip a year. If I go on any more girls trips, its' not fair to DH>
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on May 3, 2017 11:10:26 GMT -5
Any chance you can cut down on the volunteer activities? I realize it's probably part of being known in the community and that helps your business, but sometimes just writing a check or saying "no" should be an option.
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suesinfl
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Ugh.
May 3, 2017 11:13:20 GMT -5
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Post by suesinfl on May 3, 2017 11:13:20 GMT -5
Seminar at Lake Placid can count as long as you make it count. If DH doesn't go on more than one guy trip, then you are correct it wouldn't be fair. Is there a way for just the two of you to get away? He may be just as stressed as you are and a little time together away from the stress may help you both.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 3, 2017 11:33:37 GMT -5
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Jaguar
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Ugh.
May 3, 2017 11:38:43 GMT -5
Post by Jaguar on May 3, 2017 11:38:43 GMT -5
<<< BIG HUGS >>>, swamp, vent all you want and need to do.
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973beachbum
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Ugh.
May 3, 2017 19:13:14 GMT -5
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Post by 973beachbum on May 3, 2017 19:13:14 GMT -5
I know this isn't going to be a very popular opinion but I don't think making someone with dementia move is a good idea. We had three grandparents with alzheimers. Being in the home they had lived in surrounded by people and places they had known for a long time helped them stay grounded in the present probably more than all the medicines put together IMO. I don't know it for a fact but I think it was going to a nursing home that actually made it go much faster. It was like as soon as they didn't see anything familiar anymore that they could make sense of their minds started seeing things from the past to fill in the blanks. I know I am not explaining it well.
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Value Buy
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Post by Value Buy on May 4, 2017 7:37:09 GMT -5
Sorry for your predicament. I do not have the answer for you. I did go through this with my parents, only it was physical health with both, and when you get down to it, nothing is going to change their outcome. You can only help along the way and make their path as good as you can. It will be a long hard road for you and family members, and the important thing is to do what you think is correct and not second guess yourself while doing it. Most important thing is to be there physically and emotionally as much as possible. I imagine that the second guessing will happen after it is all over, when you and family get together and say, "I wish we would have done this, instead of that..........". It did with me and my siblings, and in some respects was even harder on me than the actual process we agreed was best to follow. You are in my thoughts as well as your parents.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on May 4, 2017 9:13:40 GMT -5
Swamp, it sounds like you just need a fun day or two off and away from everyone. Is there a way you can take a couple of days to hang out with some friends sans kids, parents, DH, etc? It does sound like your parents' have a great network and you have thought of the possible situations. Best of luck in your new adventures. I'm going to lake placid for a seminar on Friday, staying over Thursday. does that count?
I went to New Orleans with friends in November. I usually do one girl trip a year. If I go on any more girls trips, its' not fair to DH>
I didn't realize that was a real place. I figured it was a made up name for the movie. Tell Betty White I said hey.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on May 4, 2017 9:27:06 GMT -5
Not 2B a H8R, but didn't u just go on vacay? But it sounds stressful, I vote hire some stuufff out too And axe sum siblings to help too (if they say they are too far away, etc. have a list of monetary ways they could help handy---like: "well could u help pay for lawn care since dad can't mow? It looks like it will cost X".,.....etc. Yes, and my mother went in the hospital when we were there. I also spent the week with my parents. Yes, I did fun things, but I also did stuff with my mom to give my dad a break. And then DH got an email from work that made him very angry, so he had to go for very walks to calm down and not take the anger out inappropriately.
ETA: My sister has them in FL 3 months of the year, and coordinates most of the medical stuff. DH is a pharmacist and coordinates the pills. I have no beef with my siblings, they do what they can. When dad went in the hospital, my brother dropped everything and came up. My sister was willing to come up. It's just the initial planning falls on me.
Money is not an issue. They can afford help. My dad is hiring a guy to do some home repairs this spring, knowing he can't do it anymore. He knows his limitations, but it doesnt' stop him from being unhappy about it. He used to be the one building porches for old guys who couldn't do the work themselves. It makes him sad.
Yes, I'm venting and whining.
That's why we're here.
FWIW my MIL's primary care giver is actually her former housekeeper. She's not really qualified and of course she's here illegally. Oh and I'm sure my MIL would get in trouble for the way she pays her; e.g. as a contractor and not as an employee and not paying employer SS for her. But whatever; it's working well enough and the woman has been with her nearly 3 years and puts up with MIL's abuse.
No solution is perfect. Just keep putting one foot in front of another. Enjoy your parents while they are still here.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 4, 2017 9:33:47 GMT -5
I know this isn't going to be a very popular opinion but I don't think making someone with dementia move is a good idea. We had three grandparents with alzheimers. Being in the home they had lived in surrounded by people and places they had known for a long time helped them stay grounded in the present probably more than all the medicines put together IMO. I don't know it for a fact but I think it was going to a nursing home that actually made it go much faster. It was like as soon as they didn't see anything familiar anymore that they could make sense of their minds started seeing things from the past to fill in the blanks. I know I am not explaining it well. It's a tough road and one has to pick what works for all involved. If Dad is willing to care for her longer at home, support that, but if not. Not. I've gotten to watch quite a few journeys of patients and their family members navigating dementia and Alzheimers. Its all so variable. Some are quick, and others are on a decade or longer journey. It is not fun and can be quite unpleasant during medical or mental crises. Do the best you can, and try not to second guess your decisions.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Ugh.
May 6, 2017 12:08:35 GMT -5
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Post by swamp on May 6, 2017 12:08:35 GMT -5
I had a nice day planned with DH and the kids. We were going to home improvement expo, out to lunch and then to the movies.
My dad called. Mom is back in the ER. We had to turn around mid trip.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on May 6, 2017 12:17:17 GMT -5
Oh crap so sorry swamp ! I'm hoping the best for your mom.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 6, 2017 12:19:52 GMT -5
I know this isn't going to be a very popular opinion but I don't think making someone with dementia move is a good idea. We had three grandparents with alzheimers. Being in the home they had lived in surrounded by people and places they had known for a long time helped them stay grounded in the present probably more than all the medicines put together IMO. I don't know it for a fact but I think it was going to a nursing home that actually made it go much faster. It was like as soon as they didn't see anything familiar anymore that they could make sense of their minds started seeing things from the past to fill in the blanks. I know I am not explaining it well. All the more reason to have photos/pictures and other familiar small items from home in the nursing home room for the patient. With AD and dementia patients it is important for nursing home staff to focus the patient on the familiar in the the room. It keeps the patients engaged as long as possible.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on May 6, 2017 12:49:45 GMT -5
I'm going to lake placid for a seminar on Friday, staying over Thursday. does that count?
I went to New Orleans with friends in November. I usually do one girl trip a year. If I go on any more girls trips, its' not fair to DH>
I didn't realize that was a real place. I figured it was a made up name for the movie. Tell Betty White I said hey. Yes it's a real place!!! 1980 Olympics were here. The miracle on ice where the US hockey team beat the Russians. They still train some us teams here like luge, Skelton, and ski jumping.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 6, 2017 12:54:41 GMT -5
I had a nice day planned with DH and the kids. We were going to home improvement expo, out to lunch and then to the movies. My dad called. Mom is back in the ER. We had to turn around mid trip. I'm so sorry, swamp. Please, keep us informed as to how things are going.
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TheOtherMe
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Ugh.
May 6, 2017 17:25:38 GMT -5
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 6, 2017 17:25:38 GMT -5
Sorry, Swamp
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giramomma
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Ugh.
May 6, 2017 17:38:13 GMT -5
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Post by giramomma on May 6, 2017 17:38:13 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear that, Swamp.
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dee27
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Post by dee27 on May 6, 2017 18:00:53 GMT -5
Sorry Swamp. I hope your mom is okay.
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taz157
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May 6, 2017 18:03:56 GMT -5
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Post by taz157 on May 6, 2017 18:03:56 GMT -5
Sorry Swamp. I hope your mom is okay. Yeah that.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 7, 2017 11:48:53 GMT -5
Mom is out and as stable as she can be.
So we planned to do the Saturday we had planned yesterday. Then DD decided to be a butthead and we are in our way home.
She tries to control everything. She earlier said she would go to Guardians of the Galaxy. Today she said she wanted a pedicure and to go shopping instead but I said no I wanted to go to the movies with DS and DH. She then started to say the movie wasn't appropriate fir her and she would be scared. We went home. I'm not going to listen to her bitch the whole movie.
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Jaguar
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Ugh.
May 7, 2017 11:51:01 GMT -5
Post by Jaguar on May 7, 2017 11:51:01 GMT -5
That's awesome about your Mom.
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giramomma
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Ugh.
May 7, 2017 11:57:56 GMT -5
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Post by giramomma on May 7, 2017 11:57:56 GMT -5
Glad your mom is stable.
The peanut is like that..it's really soul sucking, sometimes.
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OldCoyote
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Ugh.
May 8, 2017 6:46:39 GMT -5
Post by OldCoyote on May 8, 2017 6:46:39 GMT -5
Mom is out and as stable as she can be.
So we planned to do the Saturday we had planned yesterday. Then DD decided to be a butthead and we are in our way home.
She tries to control everything. She earlier said she would go to Guardians of the Galaxy. Today she said she wanted a pedicure and to go shopping instead but I said no I wanted to go to the movies with DS and DH. She then started to say the movie wasn't appropriate fir her and she would be scared. We went home. I'm not going to listen to her bitch the whole movie.
The peanut is like that..it's really soul sucking, sometimes.
I now that I will take some heat over this, BUT,
Why do you allow your kids to control you like this?
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on May 8, 2017 8:36:32 GMT -5
Mom is out and as stable as she can be. So we planned to do the Saturday we had planned yesterday. Then DD decided to be a butthead and we are in our way home. She tries to control everything. She earlier said she would go to Guardians of the Galaxy. Today she said she wanted a pedicure and to go shopping instead but I said no I wanted to go to the movies with DS and DH. She then started to say the movie wasn't appropriate fir her and she would be scared. We went home. I'm not going to listen to her bitch the whole movie. The peanut is like that..it's really soul sucking, sometimes. I now that I will take some heat over this, BUT, Why do you allow your kids to control you like this? We don't. that's why we went home instead of to the movies.
I said she tries. I didn't say she succeeds. But it is very, very difficult to deal with a bright and very head strong child day after day.
Sometimes I have to just give in instead of having every single little thing turn into a battle.
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milee
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Post by milee on May 8, 2017 8:59:54 GMT -5
Mom is out and as stable as she can be. So we planned to do the Saturday we had planned yesterday. Then DD decided to be a butthead and we are in our way home. She tries to control everything. She earlier said she would go to Guardians of the Galaxy. Today she said she wanted a pedicure and to go shopping instead but I said no I wanted to go to the movies with DS and DH. She then started to say the movie wasn't appropriate fir her and she would be scared. We went home. I'm not going to listen to her bitch the whole movie. The peanut is like that..it's really soul sucking, sometimes. I now that I will take some heat over this, BUT, Why do you allow your kids to control you like this? Parenting is a process. And if your goals include both having children who behave appropriately and having a positive relationship with them, then sometimes the process can take time as you balance those (sometimes competing) goals. I was a very well behaved child. Not really because of my nature - I'm naturally a troublemaker - but because my parents would literally beat me if they found my behavior problematic. So they quickly achieved the goal of having a child that behaved appropriately but at the expense of having a positive relationship. Incidentally, that method didn't teach me the skills I needed to do self-examination and determine how/what behavior to control, since all my actions were simply 100% focused on the idea of do whatever it takes to not get beaten bloody. Short term gain (behavior) but long term ineffective (no relationship and no skills taught.) Having a positive relationship does not mean a parent is their kid's best friend or sacrifices important lessons to cater to a kid's whim, but it does mean that sometime a parent has to pick battles so the kid has some space to regroup and not feel constantly picked at or "at war". Patience is important. And the tougher you get, the more you also have to provide the love and support. If Swamp or Gira's kids were approaching adulthood, it might be time to examine if the balance of patience/firmness was working. But when you're talking about kids who are still little guys, it's reasonable to look instead at the progress. As long as the Swamp and Gira family are seeing meaningful improvements while still having a positive relationship, things are moving in the right direction... let it play out. They'll get there as long as they keep at it.
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