CCL
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Post by CCL on Nov 22, 2016 13:02:06 GMT -5
I lost my enthusiasm for the holidays many years ago, and back then just went through the motions. Now that I'm alone like Zib, it's even worse. All these people running around expounding all their wonderful family plans for T-Day and Christmas..... ?? All it means to me is another holiday of being alone. Sorry. Is there any way to get together with your neighbor group or church ladies? Maybe some of them would enjoy some company?
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Nov 22, 2016 13:16:00 GMT -5
I am the only person who lives in my community that has NO family within 500 miles. My neighbors are also the church ladies and the travel group ladies, and like Zib I have no desire to be pitied and invited to someones home as the 5th wheel just to have people feel sorry for me.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Nov 22, 2016 13:18:52 GMT -5
If I had to host an entire meal, I would hate it. I regard my situation as worse. I have to cook the entire spread for us, pack it all up, take it to someone else's house, and try to keep it hot until they are ready to serve. It is the worst, in my opinion. I help with the clean up, pack our leftovers, and come back to my own kitchen that is a disaster area. I really thought I'd get out of it this year, but each year, my mom says "I'll do it one more year" and how can I shoot her down? She thinks she is going to go over soon, so, how mean can I be? It might be more tolerable if it wasn't for the aggrieved inconveniencing us having our food warming creates, and the thinly veiled "we're tolerating Rukh's weirdness, yet again, but it's so inconvenient, we're so accommodating" But the one time I didn't go, and just went for desert, it was a major issue. I'm kind of in this scenario - as in the clean, cook, entertain, send everyone home, and then clean again mode. Even as a kid (being the youngest living at home with mom) it was the same thing. We have to clean, and cook, and make everything nice so the 12 to 15 relatives arriving have a nice time. And then when they are gone - it's time to re-clean and put everything away.
I HATE Christmas with the passion of 10 thousand burning suns.... I don't even have the "happy childhood memories" - to fall back on. I was a 'guest' at a Christmas dinner maybe 5 times in my adult life (and I'm 52). I can see why people who don't have to put on Christmas like it so much. I can't figure out why anyone would enjoy the endless yearly cooking, cleaning, going to work, putting on Christmas - it just gets old and tiring.
It isn't helping that my friends/relatives are having deaths in the family near to the holidays... so for them the Holidays aren't all that happy - but there's the "need" or "obligation" or "duty" to have the "BEST Holiday that's even better than last years!" kind of vibe going on... and it's just out and out FAKE.
It's like you MUST be happy and you MUST enjoy/love Christmas or there's something horribly wrong with you expectation from people. (and to be honest - for some of my friends and relatives - loosing a loved one around the Holidays - DOES mean there's something "wrong" and not in a bad way - they are grieving. And every year the endless reminders of "family" and people perkily talking about their loved ones they will be seeing... just pings that feeling of grief.
I'm not saying everyone should be somber - but rather that the "YOU MUST BE HAPPY OR ELSE!!!!" needs to go. You can enjoy/like Christmas through the grief... it's just the imperative from everywhere that you MUST be HAPPY!!! is the problem.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Nov 22, 2016 13:19:57 GMT -5
I enjoy cooking for holidays. We will only have 6 for Thanksgiving this year and DD is at home to help.
It is easier to be in holiday spirit when there are young kids at home. My 3 kids are early 20s and there are no grandkids, so we will be without young kids for a while.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Nov 22, 2016 13:31:09 GMT -5
I am the only person who lives in my community that has NO family within 500 miles. My neighbors are also the church ladies and the travel group ladies, and like Zib I have no desire to be pitied and invited to someones home as the 5th wheel just to have people feel sorry for me. I like to imagine that somewhere there's a group of people (who are either escaping their 'family' or just don't have one) and want to do something enjoyable on the Holidays. Something were everyone is NOT going to be all sappy about their families or lack of one... So basically a social occasion doing something fun THAT does NOT require family being brought up - other than in passing.
I would love to be invited to this groups Holiday get togethers... as I am the youngest (by many years) I'm anticipating that at some point everyone who currently comes to Holiday dinners will be dead - and I'll be free to do something else.
If I can't find a group for fun loving "non family" having people -- I will create one. We will hopefully atleast enjoy each other's company and we will all go out and do something other than sit around and eat and watch TV on the Holidays... A girl can dream, can't she?
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Nov 22, 2016 13:38:31 GMT -5
I am the only person who lives in my community that has NO family within 500 miles. My neighbors are also the church ladies and the travel group ladies, and like Zib I have no desire to be pitied and invited to someones home as the 5th wheel just to have people feel sorry for me. I like to imagine that somewhere there's a group of people (who are either escaping their 'family' or just don't have one) and want to do something enjoyable on the Holidays. Something were everyone is NOT going to be all sappy about their families or lack of one... So basically a social occasion doing something fun THAT does NOT require family being brought up - other than in passing.
I would love to be invited to this groups Holiday get togethers... as I am the youngest (by many years) I'm anticipating that at some point everyone who currently comes to Holiday dinners will be dead - and I'll be free to do something else.
If I can't find a group for fun loving "non family" having people -- I will create one. We will hopefully atleast enjoy each other's company and we will all go out and do something other than sit around and eat and watch TV on the Holidays... A girl can dream, can't she?
Count me in. What can I bring, or are we going out?
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Nov 22, 2016 13:50:07 GMT -5
My attitude changes depending on the day. I cook on both Thanksgiving and Christmas for anywhere from 25 to 30 people. Add the clean-up to that and it's a fairly exhausting day. One day, I feel resentful that I don't get a "holiday" where I get to sit around and watch TV and gorge myself. Most times, when it's time to sit down to dinner, I'm not even hungry because I'm tired. So on that day, it's all "poor me".
On another day, I realize that I GET to cook for 25 to 30 people - that I have that many people in my life all under one roof - that many people who I love and who love me right back. I realize that some of them have passed and it won't be long for others there. I want to stuff my memory book with as many of these memories I'm allowed.
I shopped last night. Guess which day this is?
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Rukh O'Rorke
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Post by Rukh O'Rorke on Nov 22, 2016 14:23:26 GMT -5
well - I feel a bit better. for everyone on their holidays, especially those alone. I suppose I'll be alone soon enough and envy my former self of today. Raked a bunch of leaves, waiting for a guy to come tow away petunia, then I'll clean the kitchen and cook something.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Nov 22, 2016 14:23:42 GMT -5
I'm another person who wishes it was less about gifts.
I don't even care about the food so much. Let's just do a potluck or get some pizzas or whatever and relax but some people need to have everything just so. Then they complain anyway. I try to ignore it, but it's hard.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 22, 2016 14:25:02 GMT -5
When my dad was alive, I went to his place and cooked dinner for him. For so many years, he did all the cooking and it only seemed fair that he get to kick back while someone else cooked. The last dinner I did for him, I cooked for 17 people and it just about killed my hips, I wound up on narcotics the rest of the night.
The last few years, we've gone out for dinner. It was ok, but I missed the leftovers. This year, my MIL is coming to dinner and I'm doing prime rib. We had Canadian Thanksgiving (at my BIL's) last month, and I'm good on turkey for awhile. I did buy a turkey and toss it in the freezer because there is a CI recipe I want to try for braised turkey later on.
We are going to my FIL's in Calgary for Christmas. I really wish we were getting a hotel room there. I don't know TD's dad that well, and am still uncomfortable around him. I can count on my thumbs the number of times I've seen him over the last 12 years.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 22, 2016 14:29:26 GMT -5
I am a bit relieved we are not doing a Thanksgiving with DH's family this year. I love his family but his family tends to plan theirs at the absolute last minute with expectations I cook/bring something. I wouldn't have minded it so much all these years if they could give me advance notice, there were several years when they called ON Thanksgiving to announce they were having one right the minute we answered the phone.
I told DH no those years. He could leave to attend solo but I wasn't giving up my family time because his can't bother to plan.
It's not like Thanksgiving comes as a surprise, even two weeks notice would be sufficient for crying out loud.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 14:55:32 GMT -5
DH and I have been pretty low-key with Christmas and Thanksgiving for years, other than our annual trip at Christmas to the Carolinas to visit my side of the family.
I've been invited to THREE Thanksgiving dinners; the first, which I accepted, was a friend from my previous church with whom I meet for coffee every couple of months. Not fond of her husband, who's convinced he knows everything about everything, but I can ignore him. I don't feel like a fifth wheel- maybe I will when I get there, but hey, I'm good company. And I may not make it at all if DDIL goes into labor before Thanksgiving, which I hope she does so she has enough time to recover from the birth before DH's funeral on 12/10. They live 3 hours away from us. I spoke to DS and expressed my concern about them driving down soon after the birth and said it would be OK traveling with a days-old infant. Ummm, what about a sleep-deprived barely postpartum wife who's recovering from the birth? I know DS loves DDIL but sometimes I want to smack him upside the head.
I'm still doing the trip to the Carolinas and will make sure to be wherever Dad is at some point (he's likely to be with a sibling). If I could do all the driving to my mother's funeral and back with a terminally-ill, virtually wheelchair-bound husband, I can do it on my own.
I'm very grateful we all got out of gift-giving and gift-buying mode decades ago. It makes the holidays a lot less stressful.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Nov 22, 2016 14:59:36 GMT -5
I'm taking half of today and tomorrow off, and working Friday. I really, really do not want to work, and have plans for Friday, but, they're offering double-time and a half plus a $75/day bonus. A good YMer would work . It's all about the money. When I worked in a 24/7 manufacturing plant, management would always try to plan to shutdown for Christmas (5 company holidays in a row). Thanksgiving was harder, since shutdown and startup meant a week of no production. For most production workers, working on a holiday meant about $300 in extra pay per holiday worked, in addition to the 8 hours you got paid if you were off. When company would make announcement about working or shutdown, it always pissed off about half of the workers either way. Half wanted time off to spend with family and half wanted to work and get a big paycheck.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Nov 22, 2016 15:05:09 GMT -5
Thanksgiving this year feels more like a chore than normal. We are in the process of packing/moving and T-day falls smack dab in the middle of things. It's just Dh and I, which is makes it a little easier to handle - I can continue packing while DH cooks and I don't have to have a sparkling clean house.
DH LOVES the holidays. It's killing him that we are moving so that we can't decorate for Christmas on Thanksgiving like usual. And, b/c we are moving, we aren't getting each other gifts. Tho I might suggest we do stocking gifts b/c I think we'll have time/energy for that.
My family is ticked off at me that we aren't coming to see them for either holiday this year. But let's be clear - we almost never spend the holidays with them. So why this year is different is beyond me. But my gramma and my mom are all ticked off. #shrug. I have to move. They'll have to get over not seeing me on the actual day. I'm not sure what's causing all the grief this year.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Nov 22, 2016 15:06:37 GMT -5
DS is having to deal with his first holiday with in-laws. Well technically they are not in-laws yet, wedding is in June. DS and FDIL live in a VERY small apartment in DC and fiance's mom and SO are visiting. Think they are staying in a hotel, DS wasn't sure . FDIL is a child of divorce who was raised by her father, and is not close with her mom, I've really only heard negative comments about the mom (from FDIL). It should be interesting. Told DS now is the time to see what married life will be like
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 15:14:09 GMT -5
For me, the best part of holidays is getting a day off work.
Our family does nothing and I love it. This year I did buy a boneless turkey breast and plan on making it in the Crock-Pot (for myself, no sides) while laying around reading and watching the Hallmark Channel. BF will probably go by his parents but I am not expected to go. My dad will have company so I don't have to worry about him being alone. Pure bliss. Maybe I will make it an at-home-spa-day too.
Last weekend I watched some movies on the Hallmark Channel and developed a little bit of Christmas Spirit. I want to get one of those evergreen plants that are about 12-inches tall and put it out with my inherited Christmas table runner.
I do have a Christmas Eve tradition of going bar-hopping with friends that have no plans that night. I am already asking around which bars will be open.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 22, 2016 15:28:30 GMT -5
DS is having to deal with his first holiday with in-laws. Well technically they are not in-laws yet, wedding is in June. DS and FDIL live in a VERY small apartment in DC and fiance's mom and SO are visiting. Think they are staying in a hotel, DS wasn't sure . FDIL is a child of divorce who was raised by her father, and is not close with her mom, I've really only heard negative comments about the mom (from FDIL). It should be interesting. Told DS now is the time to see what married life will be like That's true, for now. Things change in ways you cannot predict. I'm the one with the difficult parents. My parents decided that they didn't want to do anything with me anymore when I established that 1) as a married women with kids, my parents were no longer my nuclear family and 2) I wasn't going to tolerate mom's verbal/emotional abuse as an adult. So, yes, in the beginning of our marriage, life was interesting. Really, though, for the past almost decade, it's been a non-issue.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Nov 22, 2016 15:29:28 GMT -5
I am the only person who lives in my community that has NO family within 500 miles. My neighbors are also the church ladies and the travel group ladies, and like Zib I have no desire to be pitied and invited to someones home as the 5th wheel just to have people feel sorry for me. How about volunteering in a soup kitchen for Thanksgiving? There will be people there worse off than you.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Nov 22, 2016 15:33:23 GMT -5
I am the only person who lives in my community that has NO family within 500 miles. My neighbors are also the church ladies and the travel group ladies, and like Zib I have no desire to be pitied and invited to someones home as the 5th wheel just to have people feel sorry for me. I won't pretend to know what it's like to lose a spouse BUT please don't assume people inviting you are feeling sorry for you. Yes of course they probably know you are alone and that is why they are inviting you however, perhaps in years past they knew you were celebrating with DH so didn't bother. If you don't want to go that is totally fine but don't just dismiss the invitation assuming it is out of pity, there is a good chance it is more than that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 15:52:47 GMT -5
I hear all of you complain about having to go to IL's houses, and it makes me wonder why anyone bothers either way. It sounds like you guys don't enjoy going, which makes the idea of doing a ton of stuff to get ready and then cooking for hours sound even less appealing. I enjoy seeing my family, but Thanksgiving has just become an obligatory chore for them. That turned it into a thankless task for me. Last year was the final straw. When something is no longer fun for any of the participants, why continue to do it?
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rob base
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Post by rob base on Nov 22, 2016 15:55:55 GMT -5
what a bunch of grinches
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Nov 22, 2016 16:12:43 GMT -5
I stopped decorating several years ago. I don't even bother with a Christmas tree. It was more of a PITA than it was worth.
Thanksgiving will be at my mom's. As far as I know she still enjoys hosting but has cut way back on the spread & just serves the basics. As long as there is wine I don't really care what else is served.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Nov 22, 2016 16:15:03 GMT -5
Why, thank you! I love the Grinch (as narrated by Boris Karloff... )
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Nov 22, 2016 16:26:01 GMT -5
Holidays were MUCH more fun when I was a kid. Except for having to perform at the school & church Christmas programs, etc. Now, it's all about, are we traveling, or staying home? Does DH have to work? (His company is often open for business on major holidays, & there is much corporate waffling every year on if they will be open for a specific holiday.) Will the weather cooperate if we have to travel? (Twice, that I recall, celebrations were cancelled at the last minute due to heavy sNOw.)
This Thanksgiving it's at our house. Just some friends, but I still have to clean the house just as much as if 20 people were coming over. Then, as others have mentioned, you spend most of the time worrying about the food, & very little time visiting. (At least we'll be able to recover on Black Friday. No, I am NOT going out into THAT crazy town.)
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 22, 2016 16:30:01 GMT -5
No, I'm with BG. We aren't really welcome just more of an obligation. Watching families together and people with their spouses suck for those without one or the other.
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Nov 22, 2016 16:33:43 GMT -5
I agree with Zib & BG. I didn't lose a spouse so I don't have that added weight to bear but being single isn't much fun for the holidays. I'd much rather stay home than be an "extra" at someone else's home.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Nov 22, 2016 16:38:30 GMT -5
No, I'm with BG. We aren't really welcome just more of an obligation. Watching families together and people with their spouses suck for those without one or the other. What makes you think you are not truly welcome? You don't give yourself enough credit - either of you. You are both accomplished, intelligent women who, it appears, have raised wonderful families. You would absolutely add to the conversation and atmosphere of any gathering. I would be very happy to have either of you at my table. Give yourself some credit and give some to others. Perhaps, they just truly enjoy your company, truly wish to have you with them and none of it has anything to do with any sense of obligation. You think too little of yourself if you don't see yourself as a wonderful addition to any gathering.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 16:38:46 GMT -5
I don't think people think of singles as "extras" that they have to invite, and I've never felt that way as a single person at holidays either. I have lots of single family members and enjoy their company as much as anyone else's...heck, probably more! It's the families with a bunch of out of control kids that drive me whack a doodle.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Nov 22, 2016 16:43:15 GMT -5
Ok...yeah. If you are going to bring a bunch of unruly children, I may have to drink....but you'll be welcome all the same.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Nov 22, 2016 16:54:04 GMT -5
I hear all of you complain about having to go to IL's houses, and it makes me wonder why anyone bothers either way. It sounds like you guys don't enjoy going, which makes the idea of doing a ton of stuff to get ready and then cooking for hours sound even less appealing. I enjoy seeing my family, but Thanksgiving has just become an obligatory chore for them. That turned it into a thankless task for me. Last year was the final straw. When something is no longer fun for any of the participants, why continue to do it? Because my spouse has not yet disowned his family. That's why I'm going, to keep the peace between us. There's no getting out of it this year, Thanksgiving is the one year anniversary of his dad's death and there's no way he won't be getting together with them. Same for Christmas I'm sure. Someone please shoot me.
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