Deleted
Joined: Oct 14, 2024 11:18:59 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2016 19:35:43 GMT -5
I think most said the same thing. TRY to work it out between yourselves first and if that doesn't work then go the court route. I don't have parenting time orders for either kid (well, there is an old one we don't use any more for younger son, but for older it just says "the parents will work out reasonable visitation" and that's worked for 12 years).
If a set in stone schedule with rules laid out works better for them they should absolutely do it. I have a set schedule for younger son and it takes some of the stress out. With older it wasn't necessary.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Oct 24, 2016 19:37:27 GMT -5
I dunno what happened, but I know they were trying to pass a 50/50 custody law in Florida where a judge had to follow certain guidelines to deviate from it. I don't think it passed though being childless it's not on my radar, but something to be aware of.
|
|
TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Oct 24, 2016 20:22:50 GMT -5
OP I get your daughter frustration and yes she should get a court mandated schedule/visitation.
But as I pointed out and pinkcashmere said: she needs to live her life as if he will never show up.
Because the stressful situation she is dealing with now : moving this weekend and he was supposed to have her but bailing out because of concert and helping a friend move would still exist if she had a court mandated visitation right.
A douchebag of a father would still act the way he did , putting others or his own needs before spending time with his daughter. No judge in the world can change that Attitude.
One of my cousin just stopped telling the kids when their dad would show up to avoid disappointing them each time. If he shows up: awesome surprise. If he doesn't life continues and she does not skip a bit, does not have to plan last minute babysitting or have crying kids in her hands because dad did not show up.
Live life as if he were not part of it, when he decides to pop in you can easily adjust, have a night out with just the girlfriends, spend a night relaxing. Don't give him so much control...
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on Oct 24, 2016 20:38:28 GMT -5
One advantage of having the court involved in the visitation and child support calculation is that child support in Florida is based in part on what percent of time each parent has physical custody. So when the child support calculation is done, it will be done assuming DD has the little one X number of days a month and the father has the little one Y number of days a month. If the father keeps skipping out on his agreed upon days of custody, then the court can increase the amount of child support he owes DD in the future, since he's not actually taking physical custody, so will owe DD more child support. That could help her cover some of the daycare she'll need to keep in place since he's not reliable.
Unrelated but really important - it will be helpful to step back and make a conscious effort to disengage from the father. His scheduling and transportation issues are not your DD's or yours and they only become yours because you take them on. Seriously, no court is going to mandate that the agreed-on visitation schedule be based on the constantly changing, rotating schedule of the father and just leave the mother to be the default caregiver arranging around the dad's schedule unless the dad is paying enough in child support to cover 24/7 flexible child care. In other words, you and DD don't need to be involved in whatever whacky, rotating schedule the father has... it's not your problem. Set a visitation schedule and stick with it. It's not your problem if he would have issues finding daycare to fit his schedule - it's his. Don't make his problems your problems - you both have enough of your own problems without taking on anyone else's.
|
|
naughtybear
Familiar Member
Joined: Aug 10, 2016 17:03:08 GMT -5
Posts: 996
|
Post by naughtybear on Oct 24, 2016 20:50:21 GMT -5
No matter how much I want to believe that I have to believe a healthy daughter leads to a better life for them both, she asked me for ideas and I came up with some. Well really she asked me what to do and I told her to tell him each and everytime he said something to just say give me a time and a date.I figured he would get the point eventually.
So that being said I am also her back up and so it does help to know there is something in the works because FFS I want a life too.
Not too many dire problems in my life not sure why you think that.
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on Oct 24, 2016 20:57:54 GMT -5
Not too many dire problems in my life not sure why you think that. Because whenever you post about issues you use very dramatic language that makes it sound like whatever you're discussing is a huge, flaming deal. So based on your description, this sounds like another huge, flaming deal.
|
|
Works4me
Senior Member
Someone responded to your personal ad - a German Shepherd named Tara wants to have you for dinner...
Joined: May 5, 2012 12:11:37 GMT -5
Posts: 2,556
|
Post by Works4me on Oct 24, 2016 22:33:30 GMT -5
The time to work it out between the two of them peacefully seems to have passed. He is refusing to work with her on a schedule and wants to change the amount if support based on his other expenses.
It is time for legal measures meaning attorneys, child support and court orders. There is a reason the structure of parenting plans and child support collections exists. Use it for her advantage and yours too.
As a PP said, can your daughter see the attorney you used for your recent divorce?
|
|
naughtybear
Familiar Member
Joined: Aug 10, 2016 17:03:08 GMT -5
Posts: 996
|
Post by naughtybear on Oct 25, 2016 7:50:33 GMT -5
No not a huge flaming deal, just I can get overdramatic when worked up and it shows in my posts. I'm a bit disappointed you can't tell the difference between overly dramatic posts when upset/angry or true problems like poor health, homelessness or starvation. Good on ya milee you should be very proud of your bitchiness. Gold star.
|
|
naughtybear
Familiar Member
Joined: Aug 10, 2016 17:03:08 GMT -5
Posts: 996
|
Post by naughtybear on Oct 25, 2016 7:58:27 GMT -5
Anyway, I did not know that child support through the court system can be in tandem with visitation. I don't know anything about it not having to deal with it. So, I think her time trying to deal with him as a reasonable person is over and she will be visiting whatever the child support place is called here.
She can put food on the table and a roof over her head, she can't afford a lawyer.
She has a full time job, has been out of the house since 18 and has never come back and is a good mother. She is smart and has her AA. I think she's doing great so if she comes to me in a stressful moment and I can give her advice and try to help I will.
People post things here to vent as well as get advice, I know in my case what I present here is really not even close to who I am in real life. Maybe it would help to remember that, myself included.
|
|
naughtybear
Familiar Member
Joined: Aug 10, 2016 17:03:08 GMT -5
Posts: 996
|
Post by naughtybear on Oct 25, 2016 8:02:43 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for your advice !!!
|
|
Green Eyed Lady
Senior Associate
Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
Joined: Jan 23, 2012 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 19,629
|
Post by Green Eyed Lady on Oct 25, 2016 8:04:58 GMT -5
Agreed, naughtybear. Lots of people come here to vent. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The difference is, they start their threads with something like "Can you believe this?" You started yours with a question which lent us all to believe that you wanted some answers from people who might have been through this type of thing before - how they handled it. That's what people did. We thought you wanted some opinions since you voiced a question.
Respond to the people who are trying to give you answers and ignore the people who just come here to be bitchy. It's easy to tell the difference. You aren't new here. This isn't usually a touchy-feely place!!
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on Oct 25, 2016 8:28:30 GMT -5
If you overreact like this in real life, not only are you modeling some ridiculously bad behavior for your daughter and granddaughter, you're going to be played by the father of your granddaughter. Even if he's just an immature kid with no self control being a jerk, if he has two brain cells to rub together he's quickly going to see how easy it is to control you by pushing that big, red "Insecure + Overreactive" button you wear on your forehead.
If you really want to help your daughter and granddaughter, get control of yourself, simmer down and start setting a good example. Show them how to calmly and rationally discuss issues so there's a chance you can solve those issues. Ignore stuff that doesn't apply to you or that is irrelevant to the situation. When you don't know something, do some research and show them how and what you find.
|
|
HoneyBBQ
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 10:36:09 GMT -5
Posts: 5,395
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"","color":"3b444e"}
|
Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 25, 2016 10:04:50 GMT -5
He said he would have her friday and saturday well now he's going to a concert and helping someone move. She is moving this weekend too, has the uhaul and friends. She would have planned it another day had she known he would bail. Unfortunately if you have primary custody, this is what you deal with. Have your D have contingency plans for visitation. I have no idea about this never having to deal with it myself. I am not aware of what the courts can and cannot do. She has put off petitioning for child support through the system because she believed that he would then stop what he is voluntarily paying. Now she has more money coming in she is going to do that. He gives her 100.00 a week. I'm not sure what Daddy makes but this seems like a dreadfully low amount.
|
|
HoneyBBQ
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 10:36:09 GMT -5
Posts: 5,395
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"","color":"3b444e"}
|
Post by HoneyBBQ on Oct 25, 2016 10:13:11 GMT -5
This is why it's generally considered a bad idea for 16 year olds to have babies. This, right here. Oh good grief. I'm assuming the father is similar in age; no wonder he's bailing and not responsible. ACK! He also said today that because he will be having her more (yeah ok), he now has a car that he won't be paying her as much child support. That is the kind of manchile thinking that we are dealing with. He pays 100.00 a week. Her daycare alone is 105.00 a week. At the most when he sees his mother or family bebe will get clothes, he doesn't pay co-pays, etc. This is why your DD needs to go to court. Most child support agreements have a fixed amount of support + half of daycare/copays/medical/whatever. This needs to be in writing and decided by the court. If this boy is young and stupid (sounds like it) she should ask to have his wages garnished. Basically one of my questions was exactly that. I know child support can be defined by the court but did not know that visitation could outside of a divorce decree. No need smack your head like I am dumbass. Some of you are saying to try to sort it out outside of court others are saying go straight to the courts. LMFAO. Whatever happens I guess we'll be dumbasses to some of you You're not a dumbass, but there's divorce court, and there's family court (sort of literally). These are two separate issues. The courts realize you can have children without marriage and marriage without children and they can handle each appropriately. You need to go get your DD in front of the judge so that the judge can help you all figure this out. And in most states AFAIK, "visitation" is optional. If one parent has primary custody, the visitation is never 'required'. Likewise, if the child happens to be sick, the visitation could be canceled. It depends on the rules set out in court.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 14, 2024 11:18:59 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2016 10:31:05 GMT -5
And in most states AFAIK, "visitation" is optional. If one parent has primary custody, the visitation is never 'required'. Likewise, if the child happens to be sick, the visitation could be canceled. It depends on the rules set out in court. Yes, the court can dictate when each parent is allowed parenting time, but I don't think there are any repercussions for them calling last minute and saying they won't be coming (or just not showing up at all without even calling!), besides maybe child support being adjusted if they were supposed to have custody X amount of time and weren't, that is why I wouldn't change childcare at this point. The reality is that she's the primary caregiver and it's going to fall back on her if he doesn't show up. Yeah, it's not fair. She has to be the parent even if she's sick or wants to do something else and he doesn't, but somebody has to be the rock for the child.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Oct 25, 2016 10:56:42 GMT -5
No not a huge flaming deal, just I can get overdramatic when worked up and it shows in my posts. I'm a bit disappointed you can't tell the difference between overly dramatic posts when upset/angry or true problems like poor health, homelessness or starvation. Good on ya milee you should be very proud of your bitchiness. Gold star. Lol, have you read these boards? People come on here all the time actually thinking their problems are "true problems" when most of us disagree. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you brush off someone you think is just worked up, then you're heartless and not taking their problems seriously. If you take someone seriously who is just being overly emotional, then you aren't letting someone vent and taking things too seriously. We aren't inside your head to know whether you're just overly worked up, or if you actually think something is a major problem.
The next time someone posts a thread like yours I can easily see people kind of brushing it off as venting only to be told that "my daughter's emotional well-being IS a big deal, I'm not just being emotional". When you've got a diverse crowd of people you don't really know well, it's always best to err on the side of assuming people mean what they say, rather than trying to read into it (which usually just involves inserting your own prejudices into the analysis).
To comment on the visitation part addressed just above this post...typically 'visitation' is more optional, but shared custody is not. There are definitely repercussions if you're supposed to have custody of a child and you simply don't show up (depending on how much the other parent wants to pursue it).
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,622
|
Post by swamp on Oct 25, 2016 12:56:38 GMT -5
Anyway, I did not know that child support through the court system can be in tandem with visitation. I don't know anything about it not having to deal with it. So, I think her time trying to deal with him as a reasonable person is over and she will be visiting whatever the child support place is called here. She can put food on the table and a roof over her head, she can't afford a lawyer. She has a full time job, has been out of the house since 18 and has never come back and is a good mother. She is smart and has her AA. I think she's doing great so if she comes to me in a stressful moment and I can give her advice and try to help I will. People post things here to vent as well as get advice, I know in my case what I present here is really not even close to who I am in real life. Maybe it would help to remember that, myself included. NYS will appoint an attorney for you in a custody case if you can afford one. You may want to ask at the courthouse to see if FL does the same
|
|