How to deal with child visitations

[Green Eyed Lady]

I have a cousin who is going through sort of the same thing. Her ex is out of town for work a LOT (the downfall of the relationship). Some sort of pipeline work, I believe, but not sure.  All I know is, according to her, she gets a buttload of CS. Anyway...he's always calling at the last minute to pick up their son because that's all he has - the last minute. A job may finish a day or two early and he has those days at home before humping out to the next place. It is not a good relationship between the two adults and she wants to control things so she has a huge issue with this.  She tries, tho, to do the best she can to accommodate him because she knows it isn't an issue of him not trying to set a schedule - just that's it very hard.   I'm not the best at putting my personal feelings aside, so I kind of admire her for this.  It has to be difficult.  I wish the little one the best and hope both parents can put their best feet forward and do the best they can do for the baby. 

[naughtybear]

I guess this is confusing me a bit. If she's cool with any visitation schedule why are they having issues? I'm assuming it's just the lack of any kind of schedule at all? No court is going to say it's ok to call the day before (or day of) and say you want the child that day, so she's fine telling him to go to hell if he does that. How about they do every other "weekend" based on whenever his weekends are?


Several people have intimated to try to work it out because if the courts get involved they are going to set it. She is fine with that outcome because she has everything covered. It's the lack of regard for her, he has been without a car since feb and she has gone out of her way to bring her to him and pick her up. I absolutely do not want to hear that she hasn't tried or be aware of his feelings. It's his lack of regard, still, after all she has done the last 8 months. FFS I have even picked him up or dropped her off. The things that he says are just ridiculous,laughable really. He has a schedule FOR THE WHOLE YEAR..he knows when he can have her. She is asking him to give her dates and times. When he does want to pick her up when he feels like it, he never has time or plan. No she cannot live like that. He doesn't want a schedule because in the case of this weekend he's dropped out of seeing his daughter to go to a football game and help a friend move.

She can't work and be comfortable with not knowing. Maybe some of you can but she can't.

The bottom line is he is selfish, he doesn't care about being an adult and wants things his way or he gets verbally abusive. What is prompting my anger is she just toldme today she has staterd to screenshot his texts they get so abusive. oh and his mother has called her to bitch her out too.No matter how much iwant toi have never done that.

[Sharon]

At least in my state the courts have you work with a mediator to set up a parenting plan.  The mediators will report to the court who has been cooperative and who hasn't or who didn't even bother to show up for the mediation. 

She needs to document what the planned visitation was and what actually happened.  Just get a yearly planner and write down what happened on certain times.  Then when it becomes an issue she has documentation to back up her side of the story.  She can include pick up and drop off times etc.

[naughtybear]

I think your daughter can give a little, too. It very rarely happens but there have been a few times when the ex would call me because something popped up that he wanted to take the kids too. I have no problem with him wanting to do something with the kids. He is an ass and usually tries to get OUT of taking them so when he actually WANTS to do something with them I'm all for it.

 he has absolutely no basis to do that. He has a schedule he only wants her on his whim.

[Pants]

This is why it's generally considered a bad idea for 16 year olds to have babies. This, right here. 

[naughtybear]

She was older than me when I had my first and it wasn't at 16.

[happyhoix]

Your daughter needs to go to court and have them set a schedule. The courts do this whether a couple is married or not.

[Green Eyed Lady]

Oct 24, 2016 15:51:56 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

I guess this is confusing me a bit. If she's cool with any visitation schedule why are they having issues? I'm assuming it's just the lack of any kind of schedule at all? No court is going to say it's ok to call the day before (or day of) and say you want the child that day, so she's fine telling him to go to hell if he does that. How about they do every other "weekend" based on whenever his weekends are?


Several people have intimated to try to work it out because if the courts get involved they are going to set it. She is fine with that outcome because she has everything covered. It's the lack of regard for her, he has been without a car since feb and she has gone out of her way to bring her to him and pick her up. I absolutely do not want to hear that she hasn't tried or be aware of his feelings. It's his lack of regard, still, after all she has done the last 8 months. FFS I have even picked him up or dropped her off. The things that he says are just ridiculous,laughable really. He has a schedule FOR THE WHOLE YEAR..he knows when he can have her. She is asking him to give her dates and times. When he does want to pick her up when he feels like it, he never has time or plan. No she cannot live like that. He doesn't want a schedule because in the case of this weekend he's dropped out of seeing his daughter to go to a football game and help a friend move.

She can't work and be comfortable with not knowing. Maybe some of you can but she can't.

The bottom line is he is selfish, he doesn't care about being an adult and wants things his way or he gets verbally abusive. What is prompting my anger is she just toldme today she has staterd to screenshot his texts they get so abusive. oh and his mother has called her to bitch her out too.No matter how much iwant toi have never done that.

If she's fine with the outcome of a court ordered visitation schedule, that's what she should do.

[chen35]

Can she just tell him she needs 48 hours (or however long) notice or else the answer is always going to be no? And even with the notice, she will check her schedule to see if it works. If he wants a more firm commitment than that, he is welcome to work out a schedule with her.

[Deleted]

I'm not inclined to just jump whenever someone wants me to, so I understand the need for a schedule. Especially if I'm doing the transporting, which it sounds like the mother in this case is.

They don't have to hash out a plan for the whole year, they can do it monthly, or even weekly I guess. Me, personally, I would just need to know what to expect.  If I were her, I'd also make my own plans as if I'd always have my child with me, since it seems he changes his mind sometimes. I would try to reasonably accommodate him and avoid going to court, but I'd rather let him take me to court than turn myself inside out trying to appease him if he's being completely unreasonable.

Last minute requests, if it doesn't disrupt something important and he can pick her up and bring her back home, sure, why not?

[naughtybear]

He's bitching at her because she took a different schedule because oh no more money is a bad thing. He also seems to forget that he works 530 to ? but he doesn't seem to think that is a problem to accomadate.

[naughtybear]

She's now working 12:30 to 9:00. I will be picking up bebe at 6:30 watching her until 9, she works sun thru thurs and I mostly watch her on sundays. So it affects me as well. I would like to know in advance if he is having her for the evening as I can then enjoy my life and make plans.He works 5:30 until approx I will say the latest 3/4. I think she should mandate the 48 hr rule first and see how that goes. What happens is he says he will get her and then he doesn't.He "forgets" he has something to do. Well no that isn't going to work.

[Deleted]

I can see how his days off work can matter, since he'd have more time with the baby if he doesn't have to work that day, but what difference does it make what time he goes to work?

ETA: I see you expounded on the work hours. I'm too tired to try to figure it out though lol

[naughtybear]

reallistically he can't have her overnight if he has to work the next day because daycare isnt open. that's why i mentioned it.

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2016 17:39:36 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

reallistically he can't have her overnight if he has to work the next day because daycare isnt open. that's why i mentioned it.

Yes, he can. He can do what other parents do that don't work banker's hours and days. Figure it out.

[naughtybear]

I totally agree with you Pink and she said that today. I think that I will ask her to consider him having her at least one full day from approx when she would leave for work until 915 when they could meet to swap bebe. I am pretty sure he has at least one weekday off a week. Then I will watch her one full day. She's going to have to come out of CITI daycare and go back to one near us. As CITI is subsidized she will paymore for three days than she does for 5 at CITI.  She is on the verge of a breakdown and I am trying to help her as much as I can so she can work. There seems to be a lot of factors involved and her brain just cant figure it out right now.

[TheHaitian]

You do also know that no matter what the courts decide for agreement/custody an asshole father will remain an asshole father.

Just because the court state let's say he has to have them on Wednesday, he can still be an asshole and call Tuesday night and say Wednesday is a no go.

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2016 18:05:18 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

You do also know that no matter what the courts decide for agreement/custody an asshole father will remain an asshole father.

Just because the court state let's say he has to have them on Wednesday, he can still be an asshole and call Tuesday night and say Wednesday is a no go.

Agree. That's why I said if I was the mother I would plan as if I would always have my child with me.

[naughtybear]

For sure, we talked about that today. I told her that there may be a visitation schedule but she can't make him pick up his daughter.  He's not a danger to bebe, he has just been spoiled and hasn't learned to have grown up conversations, mature conversations.

[naughtybear]

He also said today that because he will be having her more (yeah ok), he now has a car that he won't be paying her as much child support.  That is the kind of manchile thinking that we are dealing with. He pays 100.00 a week. Her daycare alone is 105.00 a week. At the most when he sees his mother or family bebe will get clothes, he doesn't pay co-pays, etc.

[973beachbum]

Oct 24, 2016 18:04:41 GMT -5 naughtybear said:

I totally agree with you Pink and she said that today. I think that I will ask her to consider him having her at least one full day from approx when she would leave for work until 915 when they could meet to swap bebe. I am pretty sure he has at least one weekday off a week. Then I will watch her one full day. She's going to have to come out of CITI daycare and go back to one near us. As CITI is subsidized she will paymore for three days than she does for 5 at CITI.  She is on the verge of a breakdown and I am trying to help her as much as I can so she can work. There seems to be a lot of factors involved and her brain just cant figure it out right now.

Can she leave the babe enrolled at the CITI daycare but just not bring the babe that day if dad has her?  I probably wouldn't change daycares, especially if it would mean paying more money. 

I'd rather have the daycare there if needed than not if he flakes out.

[zibazinski]

It's time to get court ordered child support and visitation set.

[Deleted]

I wouldn't take her out of full time daycare either.

[NoNamePerson]

Oct 24, 2016 18:40:38 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

It's time to get court ordered child support and visitation set.

Sounds simple enough doesn't it.  

[Sharon]

Oct 24, 2016 18:40:38 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

It's time to get court ordered child support and visitation set.

He sounds like my Sis's ex.  It started off with him trying to reduce the support because of lame illogical reasons.  Then he tried to pull that instead of support he would buy a life insurance policy so the kids would have money for college.   He then moved out of state and was trying to insist that my Sis needed to pay to fly the kids out to see him every other weekend, he paid support after all ($300 a month for 3 children).  Sis finally took him to court and they upped the support to $580 a month plus half the medical bills.  He appealed it so they did a more in depth income study and it was raised to $750.  It appealed it again and sis brought it to their attention that in addition to his income he was also receiving a military disability check, they raised it to $930.    It was very rewarding for Sis after putting up with his dickish behavior for so many years.

She needs this set and settled by the court, it will not get better.

[naughtybear]

Basically one of my questions was exactly that. I know child support can be defined by the court but did not know that visitation could outside of a divorce decree. No need smack your head like I am dumbass. Some of you are saying to try to sort it out outside of court others are saying go straight to the courts. LMFAO. Whatever happens I guess we'll be dumbasses to some of you

[Sharon]

I think what people are trying to say is to get a court order that says what is going to happen or not happen etc with regard to support and visitation.  If they can come to an agreement themselves that would be the best plan but have the judge sign off on it, so if he decides to change his mind later he just willy nilly change the visitation or support.  If they can not come to an agreement then the court will "help" them come to an agreement.

At least in my state that involves the parents going to a parenting class and working with a mediator to come up with a parenting plan.

[NoNamePerson]

Why don't you get your daughter an attorney who knows the laws in your state regarding CS and visitation rights. He will probably get things done legally and in writing court appointed terms. 

Maybe the attorney who handled your divorce is available . I may have you mixed up with another poster so if you did' divorce disregard prior sentence.

[NoNamePerson]

Oct 24, 2016 19:28:32 GMT -5 Sharon said:

I think what people are trying to say is to get a court order that says what is going to happen or not happen etc with regard to support and visitation.  If they can come to an agreement themselves that would be the best plan but have the judge sign off on it, so if he decides to change his mind later he just willy nilly change the visitation or support.  If they can not come to an agreement then the court will "help" them come to an agreement.

At least in my state that involves the parents going to a parenting class and working with a mediator to come up with a parenting plan.

You think? 

[milee]

Hopefully your daughter can discuss this with the father without being defensive or reactive.  Keep the drama to a minimum and forget about side issues like his "lack of regard" for her.  They don't like each other, that's why they're not a couple; they don't have to like each other to solve this but they do need to be grown ups and not get too wrapped up in personal issues - just hammer out a set schedule and then stick to it, no matter what's convenient for who at what time.  Although that sounds inflexible (it's nice when adults can accommodate reasonable changes), they need a time of resetting expectations with each other and doing visitation according to a schedule will help reset those expectations.  If they can both behave for a while, then over time maybe they can learn that the other is dependable - or not - and decide how flexible and accommodating to be.

It would be great if they can reach a preliminary agreement between the two of them and just have the court make that agreement a legal decree, but if they can't solve a schedule themselves then it will probably be to your daughter's benefit to at least get a formal court agreement even if it's not exactly what she'd want.