Helicopter check in

[Deleted]

So, I tend to worry. This is worse lately because I feel constantly stressed. I need some check in on whether I have a legitimate issue here, or I'm out of line and need to back off. 

The teens want to go to a concert on their own Saturday night. We are about an hour and fifteen from venue. When they come back it will be dark, late but before midnight, probably raining, have to leave the city (small but bigger than a town?), travel the highway, cross the mountain... The boys are 16, 16, 17 (although son who would drive is almost 18) and daughter who is 15. 

I'd prefer to drive them down and back. Husband and I could go for a nice dinner while they are at the concert (if we are speaking by then). They would rather we stay home, obviously. Am I being too cautious? Or is this a realistic concern? 

[Gardening Grandma]

How much experience driving at night does the driver have?  If it were in the daytime, would this be an issue? Do you have other concerns?
If the driver has little night driving experience, I'd be inclined to insist on driving them. 

[justme]

Is a big reason why you're cautious the storm? If that's the main reason, I'd want to know how much driving in the rain the driver has and if the car has abs.

Tropical storm driving isn't necessarily crazy bad, but I grew up learning to drive in Florida where it'd literally water on you all the time. (I yell at people to get off the road when it rains if they can't drive the speed limit, and when they use flashers.) Abs helps a lot for drivers who aren't in down pours as much.

Fwiw my parents let me drive 45-60 minutes for a concert once I was a junior. Was driving home at night, rain was often a possibility, but no mountains and 95 percent 3+ lane highway.

[Deleted]

I'd be less concerned if it was during the day. Actually I think I'd be almost ok with that. He has fair amount of experience driving at night, not in that area/highways, mountain though really. And usually himself or he and sister, not a car full. 

Its a Saturday night. I'm worried about drunk drivers. I'm worried about them being carrying on and not paying attention especially if it's raining. 

Im worried that if something happened both of my kids are in the car. 

Sigh. About 8 years ago the neighbors 19 year old was driving her 14 year old sister and sisters same age friend home from carnival and a drunk driver hit them, then 14 year olds both died, and 19 year old was touch and go for a week. I try not to think about this. But I do. It's worse when my general anxiety is higher. 

[Deleted]

I was driving to concerts 30 miles away in the next city when I was 17 and hauled a car load of kids too...but um...yeah...I did not behave...at all.  The day my kid asks for the keys for that I'm going to have to think long and hard.  I'm pretty sure he's more responsible than I was back then though.

[Lizard Queen]

My kids are little, for what it's worth, but I don't think I'd let them go by themselves.  Too far, and mountains (which I'm not very familiar with), and I lean overprotective, but oh well.  JMO.

[CCL]

What kind of mountain are you talking about? Those mountains in North Carolina and Tennessee are pretty dangerous at times.

Speaking for myself, I would not have allowed my kids to do that. Even aside from safety risks, I'd be concerned about my kid being over 18 and the others under. I just didn't trust some of their friends and knew if any of them got into trouble, they'd throw my kid under the bus and he'd be the one who got the blame. There were a couple times when I told them all to walk. Your kids and their friends may not be as adventurous or foolish as mine sometimes were lol.

[Deleted]

Crossing the mountain near home is windy and steep, I could have them go down and cross a different place (what I would do at night actually) it would be longer/later, but not as steep/windy. 

[justme]

If it would make you feel better, arriving later might be better. Anyone have an iPhone? Make sure the stalk my iPhone is enabled so you can follow them home...assuming you have an iPhone.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

In good weather, I'd have some real concerns.

But, Saturday night in your area could be really ugly. I'm supposed to drive through there on my way to Maryland on Saturday and probably will cancel if the storm comes up the coast. I've been driving for 40 years without an accident, all over New England's mountains, and *I'm* reluctant to drive in those conditions. I'm worried about my own driving, but far, far, more worried about the other drivers. If it were my kids driving in those conditions at that hour, I would explain my reasons fully, and I would either drive them or they wouldn't go. Although, the third option is that you ride with them and allow your DS to get experience driving in that situation (with an experienced co-pilot).

[Deleted]

I had said, let's all go down early, drop me and dad in Harrisburg, we'll go to a movie and dinner, etc. and you guys have the freedom to drive the rest of the way to the concert and go to dinner, etc.. But after you pick us back up we can drive (or son can practice if that works).  If we do that though, we take the flex, which is bigger and he doesn't like as well (although it's a tank if there is an issue). If he went alone with friends he'd take the Honda. 

But I think I might say it's that or we drive you the whole way.

[Gardening Grandma]

oped,

This sounds like one of those "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situations.

you can insist on driving (and accept the resentment) but what about the next time?
You can say "ok" and have knots in your stomach all evening from worry. 

It sucks. And for a few unfortunate parents, it gets worse than that. At some point though, you do have to let go. But it takes the wisdom of Soloman to know the right time.

Please let us know how it goes.

eta, posted before I read your last post. I like it....

[wvugurl26]

I like your idea. There's some nasty weather coming this way. Letting him practice might be a great idea. That way he gains more practice but under your or husband's supervision. And it sounds like the two of you could use a nice night out!

[moneyminded]

I'm with you Oped, I don't like the whole idea of them driving late at night, in the dark, possible rain, and across the mountains.     The compromise of dropping you and your husband off sounds like a good compromise. I understand they want their freedom at this age, but driving late and in the dark doesn't sit well with me and I fully understand how you feel.  Probably not enough experience behind the wheel for different scenarios. What if an animal darted in front of them? What's the plan? Don't veer off the road, of course. Nope, not being unreasonable at all.     They are going to be upset with you, but who cares? Tell them "I trust you, it's the other driver's I don't trust" and
"I need to get used to you guys out on your own, give me this one". You'll figure it out. You sound like a good parent to me.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Oct 4, 2016 20:47:03 GMT -5 oped said:

I had said, let's all go down early, drop me and dad in Harrisburg, we'll go to a movie and dinner, etc. and you guys have the freedom to drive the rest of the way to the concert and go to dinner, etc.. But after you pick us back up we can drive (or son can practice if that works).  If we do that though, we take the flex, which is bigger and he doesn't like as well (although it's a tank if there is an issue). If he went alone with friends he'd take the Honda. 

But I think I might say it's that or we drive you the whole way.

IF he goes with friends without you, he takes the bigger vehicle.

No negotiation.

But, I would use it as a practice ride. So much of safe driving is now defensive driving and the only way to learn how to drive defensively is experiential through tons of practice in challenging situations.

Also, use this as an opportunity to express your trust and faith in him, but that this particular trip has unusual characteristics: age and number of passengers, hour of day, route, weather, etc.

[mcsangel2]

I don't have kids, and generally think most parents today are suffocating their kids' growth by over helicoptering. That said, no. I would not allow this. No, no, no. Too many kids in the car, in adverse conditions, for too long of a distance. Additionally, are you aware of any curfews for teens in your area/area of the concert?

You drive them, or they don't go.

[Deleted]

I just checked and couldn't find a curfew for the town. BUT I was remembering his junior liscence restriction incorrectly, I thought it was midnight, but it's 11 pm! So he'd still be illegal for a month after 11 and they would not make it home by then, so there is that too. Thanks! 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Oct 4, 2016 21:29:40 GMT -5 oped said:

I just checked and couldn't find a curfew for the town. BUT I was remembering his junior liscence restriction incorrectly, I thought it was midnight, but it's 11 pm! So he'd still be illegal for a month after 11 and they would not make it home by then, so there is that too. Thanks! 

Here the junior license restrictions expire 6 months after getting one's license or turning 18, whichever comes first. So, good catch. That kind of solves it for this trip, but absolutely make it a practice trip. Just driving both ways in those conditions will be surprisingly very draining for your DS -- something most newer drivers don't anticipate.

[giramomma]

I really like your solution oped.

[Tennesseer]

Oct 4, 2016 20:41:54 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

In good weather, I'd have some real concerns.

But, Saturday night in your area could be really ugly. I'm supposed to drive through there on my way to Maryland on Saturday and probably will cancel if the storm comes up the coast. I've been driving for 40 years without an accident, all over New England's mountains, and *I'm* reluctant to drive in those conditions. I'm worried about my own driving, but far, far, more worried about the other drivers. If it were my kids driving in those conditions at that hour, I would explain my reasons fully, and I would either drive them or they wouldn't go. Although, the third option is that you ride with them and allow your DS to get experience driving in that situation (with an experienced co-pilot).

Have you by chance ever driven to the top of Mt. Washington in New Hampshire? Dicey ride up and down. I felt like abandoning my car (standard transmission) several times.

A friend of mine from high school in her later, adult years once spent a winter on top of Mt. Washington conducting scientific research.

[Miss Tequila]

Bad time to ask me. My daughters 19 year old boyfriend was in a bad car accident Saturday night. They wanted to life flight him to a trauma center but the weather was too bad. Perforated bowel, lacerated liver, lung contusion, chipped L5...but he will heal. But I can't imagine what his parents went through when they got the middle of the night visit from the police and not knowing if their son was dead or alive

So right now I'm extra cautious so I would not be ok with it.

[CCL]

Oct 4, 2016 21:18:57 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Oct 4, 2016 20:47:03 GMT -5 oped said:

I had said, let's all go down early, drop me and dad in Harrisburg, we'll go to a movie and dinner, etc. and you guys have the freedom to drive the rest of the way to the concert and go to dinner, etc.. But after you pick us back up we can drive (or son can practice if that works).  If we do that though, we take the flex, which is bigger and he doesn't like as well (although it's a tank if there is an issue). If he went alone with friends he'd take the Honda. 

But I think I might say it's that or we drive you the whole way.

IF he goes with friends without you, he takes the bigger vehicle.

No negotiation.

But, I would use it as a practice ride. So much of safe driving is now defensive driving and the only way to learn how to drive defensively is experiential through tons of practice in challenging situations.

Also, use this as an opportunity to express your trust and faith in him, but that this particular trip has unusual characteristics: age and number of passengers, hour of day, route, weather, etc.

GRG, if I said that to my kids as teens, they would have said, "It's cool," then disregarded every word. They were a challenge at times.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Oct 4, 2016 21:38:54 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Oct 4, 2016 20:41:54 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

In good weather, I'd have some real concerns.

But, Saturday night in your area could be really ugly. I'm supposed to drive through there on my way to Maryland on Saturday and probably will cancel if the storm comes up the coast. I've been driving for 40 years without an accident, all over New England's mountains, and *I'm* reluctant to drive in those conditions. I'm worried about my own driving, but far, far, more worried about the other drivers. If it were my kids driving in those conditions at that hour, I would explain my reasons fully, and I would either drive them or they wouldn't go. Although, the third option is that you ride with them and allow your DS to get experience driving in that situation (with an experienced co-pilot).

Have you by chance ever driven to the top of Mt. Washington in New Hampshire? Dicey ride up and down. I felt like abandoning my car (standard transmission) several times.

A friend of mine from high school in her later, adult years once spent a winter on top of Mt. Washington conducting scientific research.

I have. It's how I learned that I am not a fan of mountain driving, LOL!! Two years ago, I took ODS on a college visit in West Virginia. I'm surprised I didn't have a stroke or crumble the steering wheel I was gripping it so hard, LOL!! We then took a short cut to Philly through the Catoctin Mountains in southern Pennsylvania. Far too many mountainous roads have wimpy guardrails. There is a spot on 83 in Pennsylvania that has the guard rail about 50 yards off the road along an obvious drop to the bottom of the earth. Now that I type all this out, it's clear that ODS owes me a REALLY good nursing home, LOL!!!

[CCL]

Oct 4, 2016 21:29:40 GMT -5 oped said:

I just checked and couldn't find a curfew for the town. BUT I was remembering his junior liscence restriction incorrectly, I thought it was midnight, but it's 11 pm! So he'd still be illegal for a month after 11 and they would not make it home by then, so there is that too. Thanks! 

Ha! My kid would have said, "It's cool." Would not have bothered them a bit to drive anyway.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Oct 4, 2016 21:49:40 GMT -5 CCL said:

Oct 4, 2016 21:29:40 GMT -5 oped said:

I just checked and couldn't find a curfew for the town. BUT I was remembering his junior liscence restriction incorrectly, I thought it was midnight, but it's 11 pm! So he'd still be illegal for a month after 11 and they would not make it home by then, so there is that too. Thanks! 

Ha! My kid would have said, "It's cool." Would not have bothered them a bit to drive anyway.

Ugh. (Shudder). If you have any gray hair, you can blame them.

I, fortunately, have kids who were generally, albeit not always, rule followers (sometimes with some parental "reminders, LOL!!).

[Deleted]

They put new guard rails on our mountain road last summer. Did I mention it's steep and windy, and at that point too narrow... Guardrails were off for months completely. I would not go from here over (up next to drop) but would go from there to here because I could hug the interior mountain. One day I was coming down and they had the interior lane closed. No guard rails. I'm on the outside/wrong side, I'm right next to the edge so looking down basically, and the cones were THiS SIDE of the yellow line. I went like 5 mph, almost had to pull into the construction a few times. Yuck. 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Will your new house get you away from those treacherous mountain roads?

[andi9899]

Depends on the driver. I wouldn't have any issue with my kids going if Thing 1 was driving. She's a very good driver. Thing 2 driving with a friend, no way. Trust your gut.

[Deleted]

Oct 4, 2016 22:01:06 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Will your new house get you away from those treacherous mountain roads?

Yes  

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

This thread reminds me how stressful it is for me to drive up to Stowe, Vermont every summer. I am convinced some day the winds swirling from the mountains across the highways are going to send me sailing over the edge.

Oy, LOL!!