When A Father Doesn't Want to Be a Dad

[Miss Tequila]

Aug 15, 2016 15:29:17 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Aug 15, 2016 15:18:56 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Well then perhaps those that would be outraged should personally feed, house and clothe the children. Because this thread is all about bashing a man "he shouldn't have had sex if he can't support the child" but we never say the same about a woman. Again, why are men held to a different standard? As a woman this really perplexes me.

Huh? Financial support wasn't the issue in the OP.

Sorry..I meant later, once we got off topic like we do! 

[Deleted]

Aug 15, 2016 15:28:27 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Aug 15, 2016 15:19:48 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I'm pretty sure you've never applied.    In our State subsidized childcare has a waiting list and depending on the county it can be LONG.  I'm trying to help a friend of mine that wants to leave her husband and it's tough.  She has 5 kids.  Two that would need full time care and 3 that would need after school care.  It's looking like it will be about $1520 in child care, which is insane considering she'll probably be making $12-$13/hour to start. 

But, even so, subsidized childcare is still the taxpayers paying when the Dad doesn't. 

You definitely got me there.  No, I've never needed subsidizes child care.  In my area it isn't hard to get so I didn't realize it was elsewhere.

Who pays when a woman decides she doesn't want the baby and gives the child up?  Not all children are adoptable (umm, is that a word?).  I just want men to have the same choice as women (well, excluding abortion because obviously that is not something a man can decide).

I get that, and I agree (I think I posted almost the exact same thing), but it's a touchy issue.  Do we take away kids from mothers that can't afford them if we let the Dad off the hook.   There are so many guys that would jump at the chance to sign away rights to not have to pay child support, even men that are still involved in the children's lives.  Hey, if the state is going to step up and pay everything why would Mom even care?  She might even go along with it.

[Miss Tequila]

Aug 15, 2016 15:33:44 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Aug 15, 2016 15:28:27 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

You definitely got me there.  No, I've never needed subsidizes child care.  In my area it isn't hard to get so I didn't realize it was elsewhere.

Who pays when a woman decides she doesn't want the baby and gives the child up?  Not all children are adoptable (umm, is that a word?).  I just want men to have the same choice as women (well, excluding abortion because obviously that is not something a man can decide).

I get that, and I agree (I think I posted almost the exact same thing), but it's a touchy issue.  Do we take away kids from mothers that can't afford them if we let the Dad off the hook.   There are so many guys that would jump at the chance to sign away rights to not have to pay child support, even men that are still involved in the children's lives.  Hey, if the state is going to step up and pay everything why would Mom even care?  She might even go along with it.

I don't know the answer.  Because I do get what you are saying.  I know there are asshats out there that only care about money.  But it just seems so unfair to me. 

ETA:  I guess I'm lucky that I'm female and I have no sons.  This won't personally touch me. 

[cronewitch]

You can't force anyone to feel what they don't feel but you can force them to do what they are required to do. Telling the non custodial parent they need to spend time with a child and pay support still doesn't mean they can be forced to care or love the child. If they fake it until the child is 18 then suddenly stop being a parent there isn't anything you can do about it.
My niece's girl sees her dad Wednesdays and every other weekend and holiday she is 17 and nobody told her dad might not want that forever. She is saying her mom's birthday in 6 years is on dad's weekend, she had down syndrome and it didn't dawn on her at 23 dad is free not to expect her on the same schedule. She is a rigid schedule person and won't consider breaking her schedule. I hope her dad is wanting to see her the rest of her life but at 18 the custody agreement is over.

[zibazinski]

I had a friend that went to court to force visitation on her ex. It was a bad plan then and it went to hell very quickly.

[Shooby]

  If your child has arrived on this planet, then YOU are responsible.  I dont' really care if you 'feel like it" or you don't.  Man up or woman up and do the right thing by your child. 

[Deleted]

Aug 16, 2016 7:22:44 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  If your child has arrived on this planet, then YOU are responsible.  I dont' really care if you 'feel like it" or you don't.  Man up or woman up and do the right thing by your child. 

Yes, but how can you FORCE somebody to do this?  We're not talking child support.  I mean, dropping a kid off with someone that wants nothing to do with them and expecting this to be a positive experience for everyone.  How do you force someone to be care when they don't?

[Shooby]

He doesn't have to "feel" it right now.  But, apparently he is a good dad to his other kids.  Now, get about being a good dad to this child as well.  And, to not even acknowledge his child is disgusting.  He should not only acknowledge his new baby but celebrate him and bring also allow the other siblings to be involved as well.   Just do the right thing, whether you feel like it or not.  Can anyone 'make" him do that?  No, they cannot.  But, if he is a decent person, then surely someone in his life can press upon him that he needs to embrace his own child.

[Miss Tequila]

Aug 16, 2016 7:49:15 GMT -5 Shooby said:

He doesn't have to "feel" it right now.  But, apparently he is a good dad to his other kids.  Now, get about being a good dad to this child as well.  And, to not even acknowledge his child is disgusting.  He should not only acknowledge his new baby but celebrate him and bring also allow the other siblings to be involved as well.   Just do the right thing, whether you feel like it or not.  Can anyone 'make" him do that?  No, they cannot.  But, if he is a decent person, then surely someone in his life can press upon him that he needs to embrace his own child.

But not everyone out there are decent people (as defined by you). Not everyone wants a child. It is something that I can't comprehend but that doesn't mean that those people don't exist.  And who are we to tell this man that didn't want a child that he has to be an involved parent?  Why? A woman gets to make the choice not to be a parent but a man doesn't?

[Shooby]

It's his child. It's his responsibility whether he wants that responsibility or not. There is really nothing to argue about. Doesn't mean he will step up. But he should.

[andi9899]

The guy is taking care of the child financially. He's providing for a child that he created. He's being responsible. You can't force someone to love someone else. Forcing them to have a fake relationship will be far worse for the child than just letting him be. The world is not black and white, there is a lot of grey out there.

[Miss Tequila]

Aug 16, 2016 8:30:39 GMT -5 Shooby said:

It's his child. It's his responsibility whether he wants that responsibility or not. There is really nothing to argue about. Doesn't mean he will step up. But he should.

I agree that all parents should...but they don't

[zibazinski]

It was a one night stand that miraculously created a child. The resentment he must feel is unreal. He may or may not get over it but he is doing the best he can and better than most would given the same set of circumstances.

[zibazinski]

Aug 16, 2016 8:55:41 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Aug 16, 2016 8:52:03 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

It was a one night stand that miraculously created a child. The resentment he must feel is unreal. He may or may not get over it but he is doing the best he can and better than most would given the same set of circumstances.

And let's not fool ourselves,  there are a lot of women in the same boat as this man.    

Absolutely.  

[Miss Tequila]

Aug 16, 2016 8:55:41 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Aug 16, 2016 8:52:03 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

It was a one night stand that miraculously created a child. The resentment he must feel is unreal. He may or may not get over it but he is doing the best he can and better than most would given the same set of circumstances.

And let's not fool ourselves,  there are a lot of women in the same boat as this man.    

But a woman has choices.  A woman can choose to keep the baby or not keep the baby.  A man has no choice. 

[Deleted]

Aug 16, 2016 7:49:15 GMT -5 Shooby said:

He doesn't have to "feel" it right now.  But, apparently he is a good dad to his other kids.  Now, get about being a good dad to this child as well.  And, to not even acknowledge his child is disgusting.  He should not only acknowledge his new baby but celebrate him and bring also allow the other siblings to be involved as well.   Just do the right thing, whether you feel like it or not.  Can anyone 'make" him do that?  No, they cannot.  But, if he is a decent person, then surely someone in his life can press upon him that he needs to embrace his own child.

There's been a lot of trying to press upon him what he needs to do, pressure, and a bit of trickery when the baby was a newborn and he was trying. It seems to have just made it all worse.

[justme]

Aug 16, 2016 9:40:57 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Aug 16, 2016 7:49:15 GMT -5 Shooby said:

He doesn't have to "feel" it right now.  But, apparently he is a good dad to his other kids.  Now, get about being a good dad to this child as well.  And, to not even acknowledge his child is disgusting.  He should not only acknowledge his new baby but celebrate him and bring also allow the other siblings to be involved as well.   Just do the right thing, whether you feel like it or not.  Can anyone 'make" him do that?  No, they cannot.  But, if he is a decent person, then surely someone in his life can press upon him that he needs to embrace his own child.

There's been a lot of trying to press upon him what he needs to do, pressure, and a bit of trickery when the baby was a newborn and he was trying. It seems to have just made it all worse.

Because pressure and trickery always creates that loving feeling...

[toomuchreality]

It sounds to me, like people need to just back off and let things take their course. Then maybe the dad would begin gaining some natural fatherly feelings for the child. No one likes to feel, or be manipulated, or told what they have to do/feel. That generally has the opposite effect.

If it's meant to be, it will happen. If it isn't meant to be with him, maybe someone else will come in to the child's life, that will be an excellent mentor and role model. But maybe the dad needs to be out of the picture for that to happen.

I wish them all the best.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Aug 16, 2016 9:40:57 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Aug 16, 2016 7:49:15 GMT -5 Shooby said:

He doesn't have to "feel" it right now.  But, apparently he is a good dad to his other kids.  Now, get about being a good dad to this child as well.  And, to not even acknowledge his child is disgusting.  He should not only acknowledge his new baby but celebrate him and bring also allow the other siblings to be involved as well.   Just do the right thing, whether you feel like it or not.  Can anyone 'make" him do that?  No, they cannot.  But, if he is a decent person, then surely someone in his life can press upon him that he needs to embrace his own child.

There's been a lot of trying to press upon him what he needs to do, pressure, and a bit of trickery when the baby was a newborn and he was trying. It seems to have just made it all worse.

he may be more involved once the kid gets older and can do stuff. Some people don't like babies and toddlers but are great with older kids.

[MJ2.0]

Aug 16, 2016 10:02:22 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Aug 16, 2016 9:40:57 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

There's been a lot of trying to press upon him what he needs to do, pressure, and a bit of trickery when the baby was a newborn and he was trying. It seems to have just made it all worse.

he may be more involved once the kid gets older and can do stuff. Some people don't like babies and toddlers but are great with older kids.

It does seem to go that way with dads. Most men I know aren't "baby" people and they seem to really start forging a relationship with the kid as they approach the toddler stage. Hell, I'M not a baby person and I was SOOOOOO glad when the baby stage was over.

[Deleted]

Aug 16, 2016 10:02:22 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Aug 16, 2016 9:40:57 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

There's been a lot of trying to press upon him what he needs to do, pressure, and a bit of trickery when the baby was a newborn and he was trying. It seems to have just made it all worse.

he may be more involved once the kid gets older and can do stuff. Some people don't like babies and toddlers but are great with older kids.

Yeah.  Especially men.  Cute and cuddly doesn't do it, but once they can play ball and fish they become more appealing. 

[Peace Of Mind]

Aug 16, 2016 7:22:44 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  If your child has arrived on this planet, then YOU are responsible.  I dont' really care if you 'feel like it" or you don't.  Man up or woman up and do the right thing by your child. 

I have to agree with this. I personally did not want children so I felt it was my responsibility to make sure that never happened regardless of how often I heard "I'm sterile" or whatever crap guys give when they wanted sex.

And what do you know?  I never got pregnant.  If he no longer wants kids he needs to wrap that sucker.  If it was a she who didn't want kids then she needs to make sure he wrapped that sucker and should do stuff on her end too. 

I think it is commendable that he's helping financially though but I feel sorry for the little ones.  They are always the one's that get the wrong end of the deal.