Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 14, 2016 16:05:18 GMT -5
Thanks for all the responses. Like someone else mentioned, it all depends on your definitions of these things. In general, I don't have a problem with my current level of niceness. I did have problems back when I felt like I needed to be a nice person, due to my upbringing and Catholic education. It was like I was asking for being walked all over, and never saying a word in protest.
Now, that cynicism, though. I'm annoyed by this cousin by marriage that I've never met. I was told 10 years ago that she was going to be famous. I didn't believe it then, but still I'm annoyed by the whole thing. That's probably not very nice, and maybe I'm going too far in the other direction. Just old and crotchety here. 😉
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Jul 14, 2016 16:06:01 GMT -5
No. I'm not mean but I'm also not the type of person who wants to hear other people complain about their lives. Everyone vents but most people complain about situations that are of their own creation and I just don't care. I'm a strong believer that if you aren't happy or don't like something that you have control over change it. My better half has started to become more like me in this regard. She's an absolute sweetheart but before she would get taken advantage of because she wouldn't want to say no and she was always going out of her way for others. She's now told her sister on more than one occasion she doesn't want to hear her complain about things when she keeps making her situation worse and she's stopped bending over backwards for everyone. She's realized that her time is valuable and she can't be tired or busy all the time trying to please others. This! I've become much less tolerant of people venting when they really have control over whatever it is they re venting about. For example, I have a friend who constantly complains about her lack of money. True she works in a low paid job and occupation, but rather than upgrade her skills or do something about it, she just moans and groans about it. This is the same person who buys a Starbucks drink every day and spends at least $80 a month on just that one thing. She also is trying to lose weight and chose to join Jenny Craig. She could do the same thing by controlling her portions or getting a book on dieting and following a plan, but no, she has to buy pre-made food! I've pointed out the money she's waiting but she has an excuse for everything. I've pretty much quit pointing that out and just say "gee, sorry you're having a tough time".
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jul 14, 2016 16:21:59 GMT -5
Thanks for all the responses. Like someone else mentioned, it all depends on your definitions of these things. In general, I don't have a problem with my current level of niceness. I did have problems back when I felt like I needed to be a nice person, due to my upbringing and Catholic education. It was like I was asking for being walked all over, and never saying a word in protest. Now, that cynicism, though. I'm annoyed by this cousin by marriage that I've never met. I was told 10 years ago that she was going to be famous. I didn't believe it then, but still I'm annoyed by the whole thing. That's probably not very nice, and maybe I'm going too far in the other direction. Just old and crotchety here. 😉 Cynicism is not necessarily a mean or unkind thing. Bitterness can be mean or unkind. The difference between cynicism and bitterness is that with, cynicism, one still has a sense of humor.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 14, 2016 16:37:45 GMT -5
I think I'm a reasonably nice person. I like people and enjoy being around them, for the most part. I tend to give what I get. If your behavior toward me isn't offensive, mine toward you will be pleasant and inviting. If, however, you decide to be a jackass you can probably count on the arrival of a life-changing event in short order.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 14, 2016 16:42:37 GMT -5
... I'm annoyed by this cousin by marriage that I've never met. I was told 10 years ago that she was going to be famous. I didn't believe it then, but still I'm annoyed by the whole thing. ... I am unclear on this. So someone told you a prediction about someone 10 years ago. Did it annoy you that you heard it? Annoyed by the nature of the prediction? Annoyed that you were told and it didn't happen? Annoyed that it did? Annoyed your believe ended up right? Or ended up wrong? Annoyed that this person exists? Annoyed because no one ever predicted you would be famous?
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Jul 14, 2016 16:56:59 GMT -5
Mine is a split personality. Jekyl and Hyde. With people I am tolerant and patient. I am not easily upset......however , dealing with our world full of devious electronic devices....which by the by are out to do all humanity in.....I can go from Mr. nice guy to fire breathing, intolerant, maniac, machine massacring, take no prisoners, evil dragon in .00000000001 seconds.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jul 14, 2016 16:57:07 GMT -5
Thanks for all the responses. Like someone else mentioned, it all depends on your definitions of these things. In general, I don't have a problem with my current level of niceness. I did have problems back when I felt like I needed to be a nice person, due to my upbringing and Catholic education. It was like I was asking for being walked all over, and never saying a word in protest. Now, that cynicism, though. I'm annoyed by this cousin by marriage that I've never met. I was told 10 years ago that she was going to be famous. I didn't believe it then, but still I'm annoyed by the whole thing. That's probably not very nice, and maybe I'm going too far in the other direction. Just old and crotchety here. 😉 Why be annoyed by this? Is it because she's getting encouragement for some folly? I'm assuming they aren't asking for money (or some sort of commitment from you) and you aren't being peer pressured into giving them 'encouragement' you feel is undeserved?
Sometimes people derive a lot of personal joy from reaching towards what seems to be an unattainable/unrealistic goal - and they are fully aware the goal isn't going to happen.
I get the Catholic upbringing issue - basic training for how to be a doormat. OK, maybe it was my pre Vatican II Catholic upbringing (basically women have responsibility for their own behavior, men's behavior, and their children/family behavior but NO authority what so ever to go with that responsibility. Doormat)
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jul 14, 2016 17:05:50 GMT -5
I think I'm a reasonably nice person. I like people and enjoy being around them, for the most part. I tend to give what I get. If your behavior toward me isn't offensive, mine toward you will be pleasant and inviting. If, however, you decide to be a jackass you can probably count on the arrival of a life-changing event in short order. This is just in general to the board since several people have voiced this sentiment:
How do you know when to stop being unpleasant towards the offending person? If someone 'rubs you the wrong way" do you forever after treat them like crap? Or do you re-evaluate with every encounter? How does that work?
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jul 14, 2016 17:13:41 GMT -5
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 14, 2016 17:26:54 GMT -5
... I'm annoyed by this cousin by marriage that I've never met. I was told 10 years ago that she was going to be famous. I didn't believe it then, but still I'm annoyed by the whole thing. ... I am unclear on this. So someone told you a prediction about someone 10 years ago. Did it annoy you that you heard it? Annoyed by the nature of the prediction? Annoyed that you were told and it didn't happen? Annoyed that it did? Annoyed your believe ended up right? Or ended up wrong? Annoyed that this person exists? Annoyed because no one ever predicted you would be famous? It has pretty much everything to do with my MIL. This cousin seems nice enough, and talented, though maybe not talented enough....or lucky enough. I don't know.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 14, 2016 17:33:27 GMT -5
Thanks for all the responses. Like someone else mentioned, it all depends on your definitions of these things. In general, I don't have a problem with my current level of niceness. I did have problems back when I felt like I needed to be a nice person, due to my upbringing and Catholic education. It was like I was asking for being walked all over, and never saying a word in protest. Now, that cynicism, though. I'm annoyed by this cousin by marriage that I've never met. I was told 10 years ago that she was going to be famous. I didn't believe it then, but still I'm annoyed by the whole thing. That's probably not very nice, and maybe I'm going too far in the other direction. Just old and crotchety here. 😉 Why be annoyed by this? Is it because she's getting encouragement for some folly? I'm assuming they aren't asking for money (or some sort of commitment from you) and you aren't being peer pressured into giving them 'encouragement' you feel is undeserved?
Sometimes people derive a lot of personal joy from reaching towards what seems to be an unattainable/unrealistic goal - and they are fully aware the goal isn't going to happen.
I get the Catholic upbringing issue - basic training for how to be a doormat. OK, maybe it was my pre Vatican II Catholic upbringing (basically women have responsibility for their own behavior, men's behavior, and their children/family behavior but NO authority what so ever to go with that responsibility. Doormat)
Like I mentioned to billis, it's mostly got to do with my MIL. This cousin, with the little I know, seems to be reaching everywhere to gain notoriety, instead of concentrating her efforts and really developing her area(s) of strength . That is what started to annoy me in this instance , along with my MIL, of course, who always annoys me when I feel like she's getting full of it, so to speak.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jul 14, 2016 18:04:50 GMT -5
Why be annoyed by this? Is it because she's getting encouragement for some folly? I'm assuming they aren't asking for money (or some sort of commitment from you) and you aren't being peer pressured into giving them 'encouragement' you feel is undeserved?
Sometimes people derive a lot of personal joy from reaching towards what seems to be an unattainable/unrealistic goal - and they are fully aware the goal isn't going to happen.
I get the Catholic upbringing issue - basic training for how to be a doormat. OK, maybe it was my pre Vatican II Catholic upbringing (basically women have responsibility for their own behavior, men's behavior, and their children/family behavior but NO authority what so ever to go with that responsibility. Doormat)
Like I mentioned to billis, it's mostly got to do with my MIL. This cousin, with the little I know, seems to be reaching everywhere to gain notoriety, instead of concentrating her efforts and really developing her area(s) of strength . That is what started to annoy me in this instance , along with my MIL, of course, who always annoys me when I feel like she's getting full of it, so to speak. Yeah, that gets old (and annoying) fast. Not much you can do. You can't change people. It's not even really about being nice or not... can you 'smile, nod, and back away slowly' to avoid some of the annoyance?
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 14, 2016 18:14:33 GMT -5
I think I'm a reasonably nice person. I like people and enjoy being around them, for the most part. I tend to give what I get. If your behavior toward me isn't offensive, mine toward you will be pleasant and inviting. If, however, you decide to be a jackass you can probably count on the arrival of a life-changing event in short order. This is just in general to the board since several people have voiced this sentiment:
How do you know when to stop being unpleasant towards the offending person? If someone 'rubs you the wrong way" do you forever after treat them like crap? Or do you re-evaluate with every encounter? How does that work?
I tend to reevaluate at each encounter; however, if there's been a problem with someone in the past I will have my guard up if I run into that person again. As long as I'm treated with respect, it's all good.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 14, 2016 19:40:35 GMT -5
I like to think I'm nice.
I'm also not a doormat. Though, sometimes with the kids I can be a pushover.
We're Catholic, too. However, our priest does of a good job of modeling boundaries.
But I suck at empathy and compassion. I didn't learn it as a kid, and I find it's hard to cultivate as an adult. I wish these came more naturally to me.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 14, 2016 20:26:15 GMT -5
Learning not to be a care taker and a door mat was HARD for me. But I've got that figured out now. Heh.
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Jul 14, 2016 20:27:01 GMT -5
I'm nice only to the extent that I make an effort to rein in my innate bitchiness. I was nicer when I was younger. I was also more of a doormat. I've since lost most of my patience with people in general. I probably won't say anything contrary unless asked my opinion, mostly out of sheer laziness. But if I'm asked my opinion, or if someone does something to me or mine, it's too much effort to rein in the inner bitch and I let her out to play. I don't think I'm cruel or unreasonable, but I don't go out of my way to make things easier for most people. There's a (very) few people I would do almost anything for, but I believe them to be exceptionally good, kind people. And they've generally shown they would do the same for me.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 14, 2016 20:44:09 GMT -5
I'm a very nice person but my evil twin is a full blown bitch who will stomp your a@@ in the ground if given good enough reason. Fortunately she doesn't surface too often.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 14, 2016 20:55:26 GMT -5
I guess it all depends on what "you" consider nice.
My first inclinations are to give people benefit of the doubt and I am can be very generous. However, I don't let people take advantage of me at all, so some might see it as me not being nice. I give people second chances, but not third or forth. So again, might seems like I am not nice.
My husband, who says that he doesn't like people, gets along with people very well. I neither like nor dislike people in general, but don't get along with people that well. I have very very low tolerance for general BS and it's usually all over my face, so again, people don't view me as nice. Oh well.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2016 21:28:12 GMT -5
Some people think so and I am glad. Others do not because I do not comply with their wishes and I realize their motivations. I try to be open, honest and fair but that's not always what makes folks happy, is it? It took me a long time to realize that "nice" should not mean losing your self respect in a desperate bid for approval you won't get anyway.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 15, 2016 10:11:36 GMT -5
I think I'm a reasonably nice person. I like people and enjoy being around them, for the most part. I tend to give what I get. If your behavior toward me isn't offensive, mine toward you will be pleasant and inviting. If, however, you decide to be a jackass you can probably count on the arrival of a life-changing event in short order. This is just in general to the board since several people have voiced this sentiment:
How do you know when to stop being unpleasant towards the offending person? If someone 'rubs you the wrong way" do you forever after treat them like crap? Or do you re-evaluate with every encounter? How does that work?
That's a good question. I'm all about second chances, mainly because I've been given a few by people. If someone is a serial annoyer, I usually just steer clear of them and make sure our encounters are few to none. But yes. Everybody has a bad day and I don't hold that against someone forever. I hope they do the same for me.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jul 15, 2016 10:43:57 GMT -5
This is just in general to the board since several people have voiced this sentiment:
How do you know when to stop being unpleasant towards the offending person? If someone 'rubs you the wrong way" do you forever after treat them like crap? Or do you re-evaluate with every encounter? How does that work?
That's a good question. I'm all about second chances, mainly because I've been given a few by people. If someone is a serial annoyer, I usually just steer clear of them and make sure our encounters are few to none. But yes. Everybody has a bad day and I don't hold that against someone forever. I hope they do the same for me. [ My philosophy as well, unless someone intentionally hurts my kids. I don't click with some folks and some folks don't click with me. I don't write folks off for that; I do us both a favor and limit our interactions. :-) But hurt my kids? That person is permanently off of the "GRG-friendly" list and doesn't get a second chance. Whatever issues someone has with me, leave my kids out of it. Plain and simple. Just basic human decency, actually, although that trait seems to be in increasingly short supply these days.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2016 11:25:30 GMT -5
I get the Catholic upbringing issue - basic training for how to be a doormat. OK, maybe it was my pre Vatican II Catholic upbringing (basically women have responsibility for their own behavior, men's behavior, and their children/family behavior but NO authority what so ever to go with that responsibility. Doormat) Yeah, I got that. I'm the peacemaker, the compromiser, the one who retreats rather than faces confrontation and is too "nice" to call people on bad behavior. I've got track marks all over my body from where people walked all over me. I cope mostly by surrounding myself with people I trust not to take advantage of my good nature, but of course I still encounter the other kind and it's still hard to change old behaviors. Sometimes I wonder where I'd have gotten in life if I'd been more capable of confrontation.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2016 11:30:40 GMT -5
BF tells me I am rude, in fact, I am the rudest person he ever met.
Sister says I am a bitch.
When I walk down the street or go to public places, people I know shout "hello bluster", wave, honk the horn, stop and have conversation. I am often getting invited by friends and relatives to social outings.
I then think "hmmm, maybe I am not so bad."
(BF and sister have no friends.)
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 15, 2016 11:46:30 GMT -5
I get the Catholic upbringing issue - basic training for how to be a doormat. OK, maybe it was my pre Vatican II Catholic upbringing (basically women have responsibility for their own behavior, men's behavior, and their children/family behavior but NO authority what so ever to go with that responsibility. Doormat) Yeah, I got that. I'm the peacemaker, the compromiser, the one who retreats rather than faces confrontation and is too "nice" to call people on bad behavior. I've got track marks all over my body from where people walked all over me. I cope mostly by surrounding myself with people I trust not to take advantage of my good nature, but of course I still encounter the other kind and it's still hard to change old behaviors. Sometimes I wonder where I'd have gotten in life if I'd been more capable of confrontation. It appears you've done very well being you.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 15, 2016 12:16:03 GMT -5
My wife used to get upset by the way that our old landlord would treat me. He would be over working on something that had broken and lecture me like I was 16. She said he was being very disrespectful to me. I told her sure he was and I never had any problem getting him to come over promptly to fix what I needed/wanted him to fix because he perceived me to be incompetent (which when it comes to home repair he isn't wrong). I feel rather sad for people who feel the need to use me as their punchbag or use me as a self-esteem boost. I think what a pitiful life they must have to have to deal with others that way. I know it has nothing to do with me so I can let it flow past me most of the time.
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Jul 15, 2016 12:32:18 GMT -5
swasat, you just described me, basically to a T. I think I was such a doormat in my younger years, that I went the other direction once I got tired of being used. Now I'm out of fucks to give, as well as any sort of enthusiasm for life. I kind of think it's sad, really.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jul 15, 2016 12:45:59 GMT -5
swasat , you just described me, basically to a T. I think I was such a doormat in my younger years, that I went the other direction once I got tired of being used. Now I'm out of fucks to give, as well as any sort of enthusiasm for life. I kind of think it's sad, really. Well, I was never a doormat. Like EVER. Its just so not my personality to take anything lying down I gave back as good as I got, brushed my hands and moved on, forgetting about stuff and went my merry way. Now.....I remember things forever! I burn with anger and resentment towards the person who has harmed me and I don't forget! So not nice of me , but its is what it is. Like I said, jaded from life.
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Jul 15, 2016 13:07:57 GMT -5
Yeah, I had to learn the hard way. I think I learned a little too well though.
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Icelandic Woman
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Post by Icelandic Woman on Jul 15, 2016 13:22:45 GMT -5
As I have grown older I have realized I don't like people. I mean I can get along great with almost everyone, have great work relationships and mostly great personal relationships, but I don't like people in general and would rather be alone or with a few trusted folks than be with a lot of people. And this is 100% opposite of who I was till my early 30s. Back then I loved crowds, friends, helping people, being a social bird in general. And I was WAY nicer then Genuinely happy for people, helping them out, wishing happiness on everyone. Not so anymore. Life and multiple incidents have me jaded... I wouldn't classify myself as "nice" anymore. Am I usually nice to people? YES Am I genuinely nice by nature? NO This is soo me too! Moonie beat me to it. LOL
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2016 22:45:59 GMT -5
Sometimes I wonder where I'd have gotten in life if I'd been more capable of confrontation. It appears you've done very well being you. Thanks- most of the time I know that, but I still wonder where I'd have gone (esp. in my career) and what more I'd have if I hadn't let some people take advantage of my people-pleasing nature.
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