Giving family money

[zibazinski]

okay, I need ideas here. I love my aunt and uncle dearly. My aunts breast cancer came back again. Her co pay for the $1700 drug that she needs to take for two weeks on and one week off ( Xeloda) is $327. For at least 3 cycles, maybe more. Because I was a bitch/advocate, the oncologist gave her a two week supply to try. So far she has taken three doses with no bad side effects. Who knows if it'll work but that's another issue. I want to give my aunt money, at least a grand, to cover the next three cycles that she might need to pay for plus help her with co pays. They also want a MRI and a CT. How can I do this without getting refused or hurting their Prides? They can't afford it, seriously. They have $1500 a month in social security and something from my uncles pension. That's it. They don't pay taxes other than property, their income is so small. They do own their home free and clear. I don't know what to say. Their kids can't help. One can't afford it and the other just won't because he's an ass. They wouldn't ask anyway. I need some ideas and I need them fast as I have to do it tonight. The talk and the money.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Does she get the drug through her oncologist?  Can you have them put a credit on her account?  It sounds like you have contact with the oncologist, maybe his office can help.

[Deleted]

You are concerned they won't take it? Or will feel bad about taking it?

How about ex husband left money specifically for gifting and this is theirs?

[janee]

Your options are stealth (which would work like Mich suggested) or have an upfront talk with them, tell them you love them and it would be a gift to you if they would allow you to help with the cost of the drugs.

You could try picking up the drugs and paying for it or if it's mailed to them, putting your credit card on the account so it gets billed to you. 

They know their options are limited so they might be so relieved if you just straight up insist on helping, telling them you love them and to please let you do this for them.

Good luck--you're doing a really nice thing.

[zibazinski]

I know they need it but I don't want to humiliate them. It is humiliating. I know this. I'd die if my kids had to support me but I love these people to death and I can't bear that the worry of cancer is coupled with the worry of paying for it.

[zibazinski]

The office is trying to see if they can find help with the meds. So far the cheapest is CVS with the co pay of $327. Not all pharmacies have access to this medication. 

[zibazinski]

Even I was fainting at $1700.  But I was at Walgreens and a son was paying $750 for his Dad's $15,000 drug.

[toomuchreality]

Maybe a gift card to the pharmacy, where they get her meds?

Or a pre-payment to the place where she'll have testing done?

Followed by a card to them, letting them know about it, so they don't have to worry- or so they can be sure they got credit for it. Your choice about signing it, or not.


This is really nice of you to do, zib.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Jul 7, 2016 10:57:16 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

The office is trying to see if they can find help with the meds. So far the cheapest is CVS with the co pay of $327. Not all pharmacies have access to this medication. 

Can you leave your credit card on file at CVS?  They don't have to know.  I know TD gets drugs automatically charged to his CC.

[MJ2.0]

I would just do it through the pharmacy. Start a tab or whatever the equivalent is.

You are doing a wonderful thing.

[zibazinski]

I could but how does that get explained? That CVS, out of the goodness of their heart is "giving" my aunt her meds? No, I need to talk to them. Ugh.

[Waffle]

Zib, this is a caring loving thing to do. If you talk to them, just stress that you love them and am grateful that you are able to help.  There is really no need for this to be humiliating.

[MJ2.0]

Jul 7, 2016 11:10:54 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I could but how does that get explained? That CVS, out of the goodness of their heart is "giving" my aunt her meds? No, I need to talk to them. Ugh.

Can you buy her a CVS gift card for the amount you want to give?

[zibazinski]

Jul 7, 2016 11:16:51 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Jul 7, 2016 11:10:54 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I could but how does that get explained? That CVS, out of the goodness of their heart is "giving" my aunt her meds? No, I need to talk to them. Ugh.

Can you buy her a CVS gift card for the amount you want to give?

Mmhmm, there's a thought.

[zibazinski]

Jul 7, 2016 11:12:17 GMT -5 Waffle said:

Zib, this is a caring loving thing to do. If you talk to them, just stress that you love them and am grateful that you are able to help.  There is really no need for this to be humiliating.

I know and I do love them but I know how I'd feel and they're going to feel the same way. They're 80 and almost 80. Old school. My uncle will feel less of a man because he can't take care of his wife. This money doesn't even begin to repay them for the love and other things they have done for me. 

[Deleted]

I suggest an upfront talk, say you love them and are doing it because you want to and won't take no for an answer.  Their pride will be hurt, no way around it, but I think direct is usually the best approach.  With old school you have to "alpha" it, or they will talk you out of it.

Being a great bitch/advocate is an amazing thing to do for a person in this scenario, really awesome of you.

[zibazinski]

I had practice with DH. 

[janee]

Is there some thing they did for you or your family that meant a lot to you at the time (maybe helped grandparents) so this is your way of paying it forward/back. "we all take care of family" "you set the example"

It's just their turn to be helped? 

[zibazinski]

I'm going to try that but I'm just a niece not a kid to them. But I'm the one willing to help and luckily can thanks to my survivor benefits.

[Waffle]

This may seem like a crazy question - but is there someone else in the family that would be better at having the talk with them? 

I'm just remembering something that happened in my family - several years ago and the people that gave the money, were not the ones that told the recipient that the money was going to be given.

[dannylion]

The doctor's office is probably checking with the drug company to see if they qualify for the company's payment assistance program, but it would be a good idea to make sure they're doing that. If not, that's the place to start. 

Have you checked GoodRX?  It looks like Walmart has the lowest price (with the GoodRX coupon, if available in your area), which might lower their copay, depending on their insurance. 

The suggestion to pay the pharmacy directly sounds like the best option.  If that doesn't turn out to be possible, maybe you could find a way to pay some of their other expenses instead (utilities, etc.).  Maybe just telling them, "Please, let me do this for you.  I want to," would work. 

Sending good thoughts that the meds do their job for your aunt. 

[mmhmm]

I've had good luck in similar situations by making it clear that being able to help those you love is more like being given a gift than giving one. Giving back makes your heart light. It lets you know just how fulfilling it is to love, and to be loved. In other words, by giving the cost of these needed medications you are receiving far more than you're giving. It's worked for me in the past.

[zibazinski]

I'm going to google GOODRX

[zibazinski]

Well, they have Medicare and another insurance as a co pay but I couldn't figure out how to plug in both and see what it'd be. 

[happyhoix]

Jul 7, 2016 11:10:54 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I could but how does that get explained? That CVS, out of the goodness of their heart is "giving" my aunt her meds? No, I need to talk to them. Ugh.

You need some creative white lies.

Tell your aunt you found a program for elderly cancer patients on fixed incomes that pays the co-pay for the medicine. Whoo Hoo isn't this a great program for you! Aren't you lucky we found it!

Then talk privately to the pharmacy and give them your CC - or better yet, offer to pick up the drug for the aunt at the pharmacy so they can't accidentally slip and say that you're paying.

Same thing with the MRI center - ask them to put you down as the billing address, then tell your aunt and uncle that Obama care covers the total MRI for elderly people on fixed incomes with cancer. A special hardship fund. It's in a miracle!

I do this same thing on a much  much smaller scale with my mom, who has dementia. If I take her out for lunch she usually wants to pay, but she lives at an assisted living facility and doesn't have any money (because it will get stolen). She likes to think that she's treating me, so I always assure her that I took some money from her account to pay for lunch for us. Makes her feel happy. That's what white lies are for.

This is a really great thing, good karma will come your way.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Jul 7, 2016 10:55:44 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I know they need it but I don't want to humiliate them. It is humiliating. I know this. I'd die if my kids had to support me but I love these people to death and I can't bear that the worry of cancer is coupled with the worry of paying for it.

That's what you say.

You tell them how losing DH has made you see how the top priority in your life are those you love and who love you back and that you want to help out of love.  Simple love.  

Do not bring up their kids or their finances.  

Remind them of special times you've shared over the years, or how they might be your de facto parents now that yours are gone, or how they've always made you feel welcome and loved, and that you want to help because that's what people who love each other do.  

[Deleted]

I have found that its much easier for people to accept money if they don't feel its my 'blood and sweat' money. ie. If i got a free (wink wink) gift card with point on my credit card... no one cares if i buy dinner. If i won $50 in the raffle and want to pass it on... that's easier to take. If someone knows me well and i want to help out, its just 'dad's money' i'm passing on... 

So I agree, just tell them you love them and want to do it is a good way to go. But if you think they would sill decline of it might make them feel bad, tell them its a stipulation from ex husband's will that some money has to be gifted each year... or tell them you won the lottery... its more likely they won't feel as bad or be likely to refuse that. 

[zibazinski]

Well, my aunt did not argue about me giving her an anniversary party so maybe that's a good sign. The bad sign was that she said she didn't think she'd be around for her 60th. . Tonight after dinner I'm giving "the talk."

[Apple]

There was a year I was working a lot of OT (so bringing in quite a bit above my usual).  My dad is/was on some very expensive meds, and since we use the same pharmacy, he asked if I could pick it up for him.  That trip was about $150.  When I went to his house, I dropped it off and refused to take the cash from him, it works both ways, dad

We do stuff back and forth though.  They have the time and space for a big garden, so they do that.  One of us needs a ride somewhere, one of the others gives a ride.  I just keep telling them it all balances out somewhere, so don't worry about it.  My parents are not ones to take money from their kids, and us kids don't take money from them, but we've found some balancing act of doing stuff and then refusing repayment.

[tskeeter]

Jul 7, 2016 10:58:17 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Even I was fainting at $1700.  But I was at Walgreens and a son was paying $750 for his Dad's $15,000 drug.

Darn one year supply of little blue pills.  I wish Dad would just act his age!