Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 11:13:36 GMT -5
Are any of you dealing with elderly, aging parents? Are you staying sane?
I only have my father that is in his 80s. (My mother passed away 12 years ago. I have no children to deal with, thank goodness.)
My father is a troublemaker and I am always caught in the middle. He twists words around or lies. He allows other family to blame me for things he does.
Examples:
1) He went to confront his sister about something. He told me about it later. I told my sister. When my sister asked him about it, he denied seeing his sister. As if I made the whole story up.
2) This week he told me to email his brother and tell him Dad did not want any company this weekend because he has too much going on. So I did. The next day, he called his brother and told him he has a bed open. He told his brother I get things twisted around. In reality, his did a complete 180 overnight.
Next week I am taking him to an important doctor's appointment and I am not going to tell anyone what the doctor said. He will turn it around.
I confront Dad about these things and he listens and shows no emotion. I realize he is bored and has nothing better to do than cause trouble, but I am not bored and have no time for this.
I live closest to him and I want to help him because he is aging and slowing down, but I am at my wits end.
Please be gentle on me. I can't handle much more.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2016 11:19:29 GMT -5
I deal with my elderly parents and my school age kids. I'm losing my mind.
Godspeed.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2016 11:21:01 GMT -5
Are any of you dealing with elderly, aging parents? Are you staying sane?
I only have my father that is in his 80s. (My mother passed away 12 years ago. I have no children to deal with, thank goodness.)
My father is a troublemaker and I am always caught in the middle. He twists words around or lies. He allows other family to blame me for things he does.
Examples:
1) He went to confront his sister about something. He told me about it later. I told my sister. When my sister asked him about it, he denied seeing his sister. As if I made the whole story up.
2) This week he told me to email his brother and tell him Dad did not want any company this weekend because he has too much going on. So I did. The next day, he called his brother and told him he has a bed open. He told his brother I get things twisted around. In reality, his did a complete 180 overnight.
Next week I am taking him to an important doctor's appointment and I am not going to tell anyone what the doctor said. He will turn it around.
I confront Dad about these things and he listens and shows no emotion. I realize he is bored and has nothing better to do than cause trouble, but I am not bored and have no time for this.
I live closest to him and I want to help him because he is aging and slowing down, but I am at my wits end.
Please be gentle on me. I can't handle much more.
Has he seen a doctor?
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on May 20, 2016 11:21:20 GMT -5
Are you sure he is doing it to cause trouble? He may have memory problems. I thankfully don't have experience with this yet. Good luck &
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on May 20, 2016 11:22:54 GMT -5
My least favorite things coming out of my Mother's mouth- "I never said any such thing" and "I most certainly did not" Ugh, yes you did Mom.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 11:24:19 GMT -5
As I was typing this, I was wondering if it is the start of dementia or something.
I do think he might be doing it on purpose though.
I am estranged from one sibling and now I am wondering how much he has to do with it.
Other family does not live near him so they don't see what he is like. They think he is 100% normal and believe everything he says.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2016 11:26:37 GMT -5
He might be doing it on purpose or he might not. Seeing a doctor will help you decide.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 11:33:15 GMT -5
He might be doing it on purpose or he might not. Seeing a doctor will help you decide. What kind of doctor? What do I tell them? "My dad is a trouble maker."
The appointment next week is with a cardiologist. I don't think that one would help.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 11:34:17 GMT -5
It isn't my parents but my uncle who doesn't have any children went in for a test where they had to put him under and his heart stopped for four minutes. A flight for life and two days later he woke up and they can't find anything wrong and now he's back home.
Soooooo, he is 61 and doesn't have insurance, he didn't sign up for it because my grandfather railed against Obamacare to him so he didn't think he needed it. This guy has never worked a steady job in his life and has gotten by on an inheritance left by his grandfather, he had 150k left and his medical bills will easily surpass that leaving him dead broke.
Stupid....... Stupid..... Stupid........ all around.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on May 20, 2016 11:35:10 GMT -5
My mother is 87 and my kids are 3 & 6. So, yeah.
It's probably dementia, since its supposed to be really common in octagenarians, but could be other health problems.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 20, 2016 11:37:14 GMT -5
He might be doing it on purpose or he might not. Seeing a doctor will help you decide. What kind of doctor? What do I tell them? "My dad is a trouble maker."
The appointment next week is with a cardiologist. I don't think that one would help.
No, he should see a doctor that specializes in geriatrics or at least a gp. Tell the doctor examples of what concerns you. Your father might just be a pita but it could be something else, or both.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on May 20, 2016 12:08:26 GMT -5
He might be doing it on purpose or he might not. Seeing a doctor will help you decide. What kind of doctor? What do I tell them? "My dad is a trouble maker."
The appointment next week is with a cardiologist. I don't think that one would help.
Go to the GP and tell him you think your dad may be having memory problems. He'll probably refer your dad to a neurologist for tests.
My mom is 86 and about 8 years ago she started this kind of behavior. Or I should say, she always has enjoyed causing her children to bicker with each other, but the behavior got worse. It was the start of dementia, but it took us about 4 years and her having a stroke before all her kids understood she had dementia (early on, the child that lived near her knew something was going on, but the two children who didn't live close buy didn't believe it, because we didn't see her day to day).
It's very hard, especially if you are trying to take care of a person who is very stubborn, like my mom, and who insists there isn't anything wrong with them and they want to live on their own. (My mom is in a wheelchair, can't go to the toilet by herself, or get dressed or take a bath by herself, but insists she is 30 years old, maintains her garden, goes to parties with her fiancé, flies to Europe, and drives her car around. She hasn't had a car in 5 years).
I wish you luck. This is not easy.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 20, 2016 12:20:04 GMT -5
Do you have enough room in your budget to hire some help?
I would also contact a senior center, the united way, or someone that can help give you resources to deal with this.
You also might find the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend to be a useful read. And, in your situation, I would also not hesitate to work through this/role play with a therapist.
I do not think it's good that you are not planning to share medical information with your sibs, just because of what your dad may or may not do. That really puts yourself squarely as the sole person responsible for your dad, which doesn't jive with your being at your wit's end.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on May 20, 2016 12:20:31 GMT -5
Your dad sounds like my FIL did when he first started his downhill slide into dementia. My FIL wasn't twisting our words, so much as he truly didn't remember saying what he thought we were accusing him of saying. My DH and his brother didn't believe that FIL was being anything other than ornery. Then DH started thinking FIL was doing it on purpose and not trying to remember. FIL passed away last year at 89, and I swear my DH STILL believes that if he (DH) had just spent more time with FIL he would have remember things better, been happier, not been so ornery. DH spent the last 5 of the last 6 years of FIL's life living an hour away from FIL and spent at least 2 full days a week plus a bunch of time for doctor's appointments and such with him. We paid for a caregiver/companion to come in 5 days a week to help out during his last 2 years. When we took FIL to his geriatric doc, that doc knew, based on the answers to questions asked, that FIL had dementia. It's hard tho for outsiders to see it sometimes, because they come across so believable. But the doc knew what he was doing and had experience in this. It'd be worth it to try to get him in to a doctor who can screen for this. I wish you luck with this.
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 12:32:23 GMT -5
I'm going through a little of this with DH. It's a mixture of "doesn't remember" and "doesn't hear." So I think we had a conversation and decided on something so I do it. Then when I do, I get asked why I did that. Um, because that's what we decided?
However, DH will freely admit that he didn't understand the conversation. He doesn't blame me for "twisting his words" or whatever. So it's not senility so much as plain old doesn't remember. Your dad sounds much worse.
My former MIL is going through this. My daughter says that to talk with her, you'd never think anything was wrong. But she tells you bizarre stuff that never happened.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on May 20, 2016 13:09:42 GMT -5
I'm pretty lucky. My kids are young adults and relatively functional. I don't always like what they do, but the stupid decision damage has been minimal so far....
My parents are mid 70s, sane and have plenty of cash. All of the paperwork is in place if I need to step in and take over. Mom has had health issues always but seems to bounce back. Dad will outlive all of us.
MIL was DHs cross to bear..... I steered clear of all MIL related drama many years before she died. There was a brief moment of insanity where DH suggested she come live with us. I'm pretty sure the look on my face said it all, but to reiterate I told him not if he planned on living with me because I was not living with her or leaving my home. She was pretty much hell bent on doing things her way...everyone else be damned and that is pretty much what happened. I saved myself and my husband a lot of grief by keeping my big mouth shut and steering clear of any discussion about what "I" thought should happen.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on May 20, 2016 13:12:39 GMT -5
First, I would stop being the informational go-between. If your father wants to convey information to another family member, he should do it himself. "Dad, you say I always get everything wrong when I pass along information for you. I think it would be better, and you would be happier with the outcome, if you do it yourself."
I agree that his behavior might be attributable to dementia. Has he always been like this, or is this something new? You might have to sit him down and tell him you will not tolerate being bullied and blamed, explain exactly what behavior is unacceptable, and decide how you will respond in the future if the behavior continues. All you can do is control how you react to it and control how you interact with him. He may or may not be capable of modifying his behavior. If it is dementia, it is unlikely that anything anyone says or does is going to have a long-lasting effect. Acceptance, compassion, and compartmentalization might then be the path you need to pursue for your own mental health and peace of mind. If it is dementia, you might find some comfort in knowing that it is the disease talking to you and not your father.
Maybe you can come to an agreement with other family members to pitch in and help out periodically to give you a break and let them experience his behavior first-hand so they have some context for his comments about you.
Sending some cyber hugs and good thoughts.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on May 20, 2016 13:27:46 GMT -5
I fourth-fifth-sixth-and-seventh the suggestion that you get him to a doctor who specializes in geriatric medicine - or at least a GP/Family Medicine practitioner who has lots of experience treating seniors.
What is most helpful to that person is "non-emotional language" information. For example, don't say "dad is a troublemaker." Say: "dad is telling different family members different things. These mixed up stories are causing him and his family members problems and distress. We'd like to request that he be assessed for possible behavioral health issues and/or dementia."
Good luck - I feel for you. I dealt with a FIL with dementia. It was horrible; he was a lovely, loving, sweet guy who turned into a mess and ultimately became mute and catatonic.
I wouldn't wish dementia on my worse enemy
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 13:32:06 GMT -5
Go to the GP and tell him you think your dad may be having memory problems. He'll probably refer your dad to a neurologist for tests.
My mom is 86 and about 8 years ago she started this kind of behavior. Or I should say, she always has enjoyed causing her children to bicker with each other, but the behavior got worse. It was the start of dementia, but it took us about 4 years and her having a stroke before all her kids understood she had dementia (early on, the child that lived near her knew something was going on, but the two children who didn't live close buy didn't believe it, because we didn't see her day to day).
It's very hard, especially if you are trying to take care of a person who is very stubborn, like my mom, and who insists there isn't anything wrong with them and they want to live on their own. (My mom is in a wheelchair, can't go to the toilet by herself, or get dressed or take a bath by herself, but insists she is 30 years old, maintains her garden, goes to parties with her fiancé, flies to Europe, and drives her car around. She hasn't had a car in 5 years).
I wish you luck. This is not easy.
That is my problem. I hear "he's fine when I visit him." I notice he acts different depending who is around too.
Story: A few years ago Dad was getting terribly out of breath when he walked even a short distance, such as 20 yards. I would tell my siblings this and they would respond to me "I talk to him on the phone and he is fine!" Well, they don't walk out to the shed with him or anything. When he is talking on the phone he is sitting in his Lazy Boy. - - - That since got corrected by changing his medication.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on May 20, 2016 14:22:50 GMT -5
I never faced this issue with my parents. They both died of cancer at age 72. They were pretty healthy and very sharp right up until then.
DH parents are over 80 and in pretty poor health, but so far no signs of dementia.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on May 20, 2016 14:29:15 GMT -5
Go to the GP and tell him you think your dad may be having memory problems. He'll probably refer your dad to a neurologist for tests.
My mom is 86 and about 8 years ago she started this kind of behavior. Or I should say, she always has enjoyed causing her children to bicker with each other, but the behavior got worse. It was the start of dementia, but it took us about 4 years and her having a stroke before all her kids understood she had dementia (early on, the child that lived near her knew something was going on, but the two children who didn't live close buy didn't believe it, because we didn't see her day to day).
It's very hard, especially if you are trying to take care of a person who is very stubborn, like my mom, and who insists there isn't anything wrong with them and they want to live on their own. (My mom is in a wheelchair, can't go to the toilet by herself, or get dressed or take a bath by herself, but insists she is 30 years old, maintains her garden, goes to parties with her fiancé, flies to Europe, and drives her car around. She hasn't had a car in 5 years).
I wish you luck. This is not easy.
That is my problem. I hear "he's fine when I visit him." I notice he acts different depending who is around too.
Story: A few years ago Dad was getting terribly out of breath when he walked even a short distance, such as 20 yards. I would tell my siblings this and they would respond to me "I talk to him on the phone and he is fine!" Well, they don't walk out to the shed with him or anything. When he is talking on the phone he is sitting in his Lazy Boy. - - - That since got corrected by changing his medication.
The only thing you can do is get them to visit. I had a friend whose mom had dementia plus suddenly was feeble and had a hard time walking. Her brother, who lived a few hours away, kept insisting their mom could still live on their own and resisted talking about putting her into an assisted living facility, until finally my friend got him to come pick up his mom and have her come visit him for a week. That's what it took to make him realize she really couldn't live on her own anymore.
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jitterbug
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Post by jitterbug on May 20, 2016 14:36:13 GMT -5
My mom didn't have official dementia - just a slow degrading of mental abilities as she got into her 80s - but once I accepted the fact that she wasn't CAPABLE of dealing with certain aspects of her life, my tolerance for it all became much better. So instead of fussing with her over sending contributions to all the scammy organizations like "Americans With Cancer" and "Veterans of America" or whatever - I just started going through her piles of mail and throwing all the junk away. My sister never got to that acceptance level and got terribly frustrated when mom wouldn't do what my sister thought she should - instead of just stepping in and making the decision on her behalf.
My point is - it gets easier on US when WE recognize they aren't at their normal mental capacity and we just need to do whatever we have to do - with kindness - and not debate it with them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 14:49:11 GMT -5
I let him do what he wants and make his own decisions.
It is him causing rifts between family members that concerns me. Especially when I am the one being blamed for things. He moved some things around the family cemetery plot, and my aunt threatened to call the cops on ME. I haven't even been to the cemetery in a year because of this - and that is where my mother is buried.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on May 20, 2016 15:02:28 GMT -5
My mom didn't have official dementia - just a slow degrading of mental abilities as she got into her 80s - but once I accepted the fact that she wasn't CAPABLE of dealing with certain aspects of her life, my tolerance for it all became much better. So instead of fussing with her over sending contributions to all the scammy organizations like "Americans With Cancer" and "Veterans of America" or whatever - I just started going through her piles of mail and throwing all the junk away. My sister never got to that acceptance level and got terribly frustrated when mom wouldn't do what my sister thought she should - instead of just stepping in and making the decision on her behalf.
My point is - it gets easier on US when WE recognize they aren't at their normal mental capacity and we just need to do whatever we have to do - with kindness - and not debate it with them. I can't like this post enough. Even though my DH didn't want to accept and believe his father had dementia and was declining, once he could accept that his father couldn't handle things for himself, it was easier on DH and I. DH handled all the mail, all the paying of bills and balancing of checkbooks, everything. AND, once DH stopped debating things with his dad, and stopped asking things like "Dad, don't you remember, you said X last week. Don't you remember that?" things got better and settled down some between them. It takes loads of patience and compassion to handle the aging process well.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 20, 2016 15:10:28 GMT -5
Your dad's cardiologist can refer your dad to a good gerontologist for assessment. Since you already have an appointment I'd suggest bringing this up with the doctor and getting a referral right then. People in the early stages of dementia often confabulate. They make up stories to make what's happening in their lives make sense to them. What they come up with rarely makes sense to the rest of us, unfortunately. It sounds like this may be what's happening in your family's case. Definitely worth getting a full assessment by a qualified gerontologist, IMO.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on May 20, 2016 15:22:24 GMT -5
Is this new behavior from him or an exaggeration of his life-long patterns of relating to others?
Taking care of my late father during his mental, and physical decline, was by far the hardest thing I will ever do and professionally I'm a medical social worker!
One one book I read that really helped was titled, "Elder Rage Or Take My Father ... Please." Even my father saw the humor in the title and being able to laugh about some of the insanity inherent in elder care helped me greatly. It really helped me to cope with some of his most unattractive behavioral issues and I was also able to avoid some common pit falls.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on May 20, 2016 15:33:38 GMT -5
I'm on the get him to a doctor/evaluation side. My grandmother was fine, and then she was paranoid (her friends/sister think she's dumb, they talk about her behind her back, etc) but still in good health. Then she had an "episode" (don't recall the details) and went to the ER. She got discharged & they got breakfast biscuits on the way home. She forgot what to do with the biscuit. She tried to play cards with it. Pinched off a piece and tossed it in the middle of the table. Her sister told me that story and she still doesn't know whether to laugh or cry about it. Shortly after, she started falling a lot. All this was probably over the course of a year or 2. She's in a nursing home now.
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gacpa
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Post by gacpa on May 20, 2016 17:37:21 GMT -5
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Eventually, it should become obvious to all involved that you are not the problem. Is there any way to get him to the doctor for an evaluation? He is probably like my mom, refuses to go the doctor.
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ners
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Post by ners on May 20, 2016 18:45:35 GMT -5
My mother died from dementia. For a long time my mother tried to hide her diminishing mental capacity. My father is in his late 80's. He is slowing down mentally. I think my father is a bit depressed and isolated. I am praying he does not develop dementia.
I think you should have your father evaluated by a geriatric doctor.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on May 20, 2016 19:11:11 GMT -5
My grandma really started to lose it towards the end. Our family attended the same church as our grandparents, and my grandma told the gossipy church ladies that my mom refused to help her fill her prescriptions and that she tried to push her down the stairs. It was totally untrue, but my grandma still seemed with it enough that some people believed her. It was a slow process, but she eventually ended up in a dementia ward. I wouldn't wish the hell that my mom's side of the family went through on anyone. I am sorry you have to go through this, and remember to take care of yourself first.
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