mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on May 20, 2016 19:22:39 GMT -5
My father started having issues with what turned out to be vascular dementia maybe 1 1/2 years ago. I didn't see it for a while. Mom would mention that he had said something really out there, and I'd think she just didn't hear him correctly because she doesn't use her hearing aid all the time. Then one sister said she thought he was getting senile, and I just thought she was being her usual drama queen self. Eventually I saw they were right. He could follow and contribute to a conversation that someone else started, but if he started the conversation, he would mention things that had never happened. As my brother put it, most of the time, he had 98 out of his 100 marbles. He passed away following a stroke recently.
Now, it's Mom's turn. I think her short term memory is pretty much shot. My sister, who lives with her and takes care of her, will say Mom said such-and-such, and when I talk to Mom, she denies ever saying it. I believe sis. It's sometimes hard to tell whether some of her behavior is due to some sort of dementia because she has always been childishly self-centered. We'll just have to keep watching, and see if she deteriorates to the point where a nursing home /memory facility might be needed.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on May 20, 2016 20:56:22 GMT -5
I am also sorry you are dealng with this. I see two possibilities 1) He is simply bored and riling up family members keeps things interesting 2) He is experiencing the symptoms of dementia
Personally, I think it sounds like dementia and if he has not had one I'd be saying, "Dad, lets get you in for a checkup".
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 20, 2016 21:07:54 GMT -5
Dealing with my 92 year old father.
I'm of the opinion a family practice doctor needs to check him out for dementia.
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on May 20, 2016 21:21:29 GMT -5
How do you get your parents to be evaluated by a doctor if they don't want to do this? My Mom is still with it enough that she won't tell you when she makes a doctors appointment, she doesn't want anyone going with her, so you won't interfere (tell the doctor things). She had apparently been dealing with a-fib for over a year without telling anyone. It wasn't until the doctor started talking about having a stroke and needing a cardiac ablation that we found out about this. I don't think it is a matter of her not wanting us to worry it is a matter of she doesn't want us "interfering". A couple of years ago she was having troubles driving and I was getting on her about her driving abilities. Man oh man did I get blasted, she most certainly was staying her lane and she had plenty of room to turn and she did not almost hit that car. Etc. Etc. Turns out she was having eye problems and was almost legally blind. She had eye surgery and is supposedly fine now. Her driving has improved greatly. We find out after the fact when the doctor suggested that she should not be driving that she told him she wasn't having any issues at all with driving. I am so tired of the venom that gets spewed my way anytime I suggest that perhaps her living skills have degraded in any way shape or form.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on May 20, 2016 23:20:48 GMT -5
Posted in Error, I'm not sure what m my phone did
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milee
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Post by milee on May 21, 2016 6:07:39 GMT -5
How do you get your parents to be evaluated by a doctor if they don't want to do this? My Mom is still with it enough that she won't tell you when she makes a doctors appointment, she doesn't want anyone going with her, so you won't interfere (tell the doctor things). She had apparently been dealing with a-fib for over a year without telling anyone. It wasn't until the doctor started talking about having a stroke and needing a cardiac ablation that we found out about this. I don't think it is a matter of her not wanting us to worry it is a matter of she doesn't want us "interfering". A couple of years ago she was having troubles driving and I was getting on her about her driving abilities. Man oh man did I get blasted, she most certainly was staying her lane and she had plenty of room to turn and she did not almost hit that car. Etc. Etc. Turns out she was having eye problems and was almost legally blind. She had eye surgery and is supposedly fine now. Her driving has improved greatly. We find out after the fact when the doctor suggested that she should not be driving that she told him she wasn't having any issues at all with driving. I am so tired of the venom that gets spewed my way anytime I suggest that perhaps her living skills have degraded in any way shape or form. It's just like having a teenager!
Joking aside, it's hard to understand because you know you just want to help and you're doing this out of love... but your mom is an adult and gets to make her own decisions even if they're really, really bad ones. She is obviously still "with it" enough to not want help and as much as it stinks for you as a loving kid, that's her right. Unfortunately, it sounds like you'll just need to back off until she either wants help or is not in a position to refuse. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's hard.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on May 21, 2016 7:21:13 GMT -5
My dad died 2 yrs ago. He was pretty easy to get along with, so we were lucky. But it still was HARD. Now my friend is going through it with his 91 yr old dad. I have tried to do the things I appreciated others doing, with my dad, or the things I wished others would do, with my dad. Although it seems to help quite a bit, it's still very hard on my friend and his siblings. The thing that hard on me, is when they don't tell their dad the real reason for something. Like they put him in rehab facility, after a bout with pneumonia, "to get his strength up". When I'd go visit, he seemed great! None of the issues I had heard about. The dad wants to go / be home and doesn't know, or understand why he isn't home. The truth is, he's not going back home. Ugh. I told them to be honest. Explain their concerns about his safety. It's too hard on him and everyone else, when you're trying to 'fix' the wrong thing. You can't deal with something, if you don't know what it is you are dealing with. His dad likely will not be happy to hear that he isn't going home again. But he isn't happy now (not knowing) either. At least be real. -Friend said he will. I don't envy any of you going through this. It flat out sucks. Remember to take care of you. You are important too!
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on May 21, 2016 8:38:53 GMT -5
My Dad passed away last November after 5 years of failing health. Our mother can stay home alone, but she cannot live independently. My brother and I have been caring for the two of them. Dad had his mental capacity to the end, but Mom can't remember things from day to day. She recently accused my brother of saying something to her that he did not. She often misplaces things, sometimes for years.
I remind my brother that she is still grieving and that can manifest itself in lots of confusing ways. I think that good nutrition and adequate sleep are big players to battle confusion and early signs of dementia.
Dad would get frustrated about what his body was no longer able to do. He would want my brother to do unreasonable things and risk his safety to accomplish whatever task Dad had dreamed up.
Does the OP's father take any narcotics for pain? Mom was strung out on hydrocodone and other pills to battle her arthritis pain at one point in the past. We had way more dementia and unreasonable thinking with the pills running her mind.
I myself try to have patience as if I was rearing a child. Mom had patience with me for 18 years before I left home. I can hang with her as long as it takes. It is important, however, that all the siblings in a family realize what condition their parent is in. This can usually be accomplished by a week long visit and some one on one time.
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2016 9:02:13 GMT -5
I am so tired of the venom that gets spewed my way anytime I suggest that perhaps her living skills have degraded in any way shape or form. This x100!!! Last fall I took 1/2 day off work to drive Dad to an MRI. He was having terrible neck pain. The results said he had arthritis in his neck and to proceed with pain management. Well - Dad did not believe the results. When I told my sister, she did not believe them either. Nothing was ever done. UGH!! Why did I take time out of my work schedule and why did he go for the MRI? Now do you know why I am hesitant to tell anyone what I find out? He is not on any narcotics, only heart pills. I am going to ask the cardiologist if any of his medication could be causing the confusion. Side note: When my mom had cancer they gave her an MRI. It showed she had several mini strokes in the past. The doctor told me that intelligent people are very good at covering them up. Plus, she lived alone so no one knew. (Parents were divorced.)
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on May 21, 2016 9:24:52 GMT -5
Am I sane? I am off to email my son to ask him but I know what his reply will be
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 21, 2016 12:09:49 GMT -5
I wonder if my mom has had mini strokes. She used to be excellent at covering. Still is good to people who don't talk in depth to her.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on May 21, 2016 13:58:49 GMT -5
How do you get your parents to be evaluated by a doctor if they don't want to do this? My Mom is still with it enough that she won't tell you when she makes a doctors appointment, she doesn't want anyone going with her, so you won't interfere (tell the doctor things). She had apparently been dealing with a-fib for over a year without telling anyone. It wasn't until the doctor started talking about having a stroke and needing a cardiac ablation that we found out about this. I don't think it is a matter of her not wanting us to worry it is a matter of she doesn't want us "interfering". A couple of years ago she was having troubles driving and I was getting on her about her driving abilities. Man oh man did I get blasted, she most certainly was staying her lane and she had plenty of room to turn and she did not almost hit that car. Etc. Etc. Turns out she was having eye problems and was almost legally blind. She had eye surgery and is supposedly fine now. Her driving has improved greatly. We find out after the fact when the doctor suggested that she should not be driving that she told him she wasn't having any issues at all with driving. I am so tired of the venom that gets spewed my way anytime I suggest that perhaps her living skills have degraded in any way shape or form. You can only do the best you can. Sometimes, when they mention a pain or ache, that can be an opportunity to say "You need to get that checked out. Let me make an appt for you" But if they are covering up and are secretive and uncooperative, there is little you can do unless they are clearly endangering themselves and are incompetent. Yes, it is frustrating as hell, but try to remember it's an illness. It isn't them.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on May 21, 2016 15:36:59 GMT -5
My mom keeps an old Ann Lander's column on her fridge warning seniors to listen to their family members if they think they are exhibiting signs of dementia. She has also told me and my brother to let her know if we are ever concerned. I hope it never comes to that, but at least I know that if she lashes out at me for being concerned, it will probably be the dementia talking.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on May 22, 2016 7:51:36 GMT -5
First of all, I wanted to let you know you've got my sympathy. As parents age, their personalities can do a big change, and not always for the better.
And, I agree with the others that it's time for a medical evaluation. And, I really hope your parent has their Will, and Power of Attorney already in place, because if dementia is the diagnosis, you won't be able to get those documents done, as they wouldn't be "fit" or "in sound mind" to sign.
Towards the end, it was sort of like dealing with a small child when it came to my Mom. Some days she was her old self, and other days she would get angry, and was unable to let go of whatever was making her mad. I had to focus on the woman she used to be, instead of the person she was becoming.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on May 22, 2016 11:04:05 GMT -5
My mom is only 71 but she has this need to say no to everything. Drives my DH nuts! Says I had never cooked that in my life. And she is the only one I had learned from. And it's not a sin or anything so why? Probably memory. Yesterday neighbors son walking his dog. I say hi and we chat. She asks who was it. I said who. She said boy he looks exactly Like his father. This is why a recognized him Lol And she does it all the time! No big deal just wondering...
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on May 22, 2016 11:07:26 GMT -5
First of all, I wanted to let you know you've got my sympathy. As parents age, their personalities can do a big change, and not always for the better.
And, I agree with the others that it's time for a medical evaluation. And, I really hope your parent has their Will, and Power of Attorney already in place, because if dementia is the diagnosis, you won't be able to get those documents done, as they wouldn't be "fit" or "in sound mind" to sign.
Towards the end, it was sort of like dealing with a small child when it came to my Mom. Some days she was her old self, and other days she would get angry, and was unable to let go of whatever was making her mad. I had to focus on the woman she used to be, instead of the person she was becoming.
This is a lovely post.
We are having similar issues with MIL which I have posted about previously. It's a very painful and hurtful process for both DH and me. The latest round was a statement saying that she was disinheriting her family because they don't appreciate her.
Well when you're mean to people what do you expect?
Every time we go through a round of this behavior I say to myself "Please God when it's my turn let me be kind to the people who are trying to help me."
OP, you have a lot of support here but you might get a referral for a dementia support group.
Good luck. We're here for you.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 22, 2016 20:20:53 GMT -5
First of all, I wanted to let you know you've got my sympathy. As parents age, their personalities can do a big change, and not always for the better.
And, I agree with the others that it's time for a medical evaluation. And, I really hope your parent has their Will, and Power of Attorney already in place, because if dementia is the diagnosis, you won't be able to get those documents done, as they wouldn't be "fit" or "in sound mind" to sign.
Towards the end, it was sort of like dealing with a small child when it came to my Mom. Some days she was her old self, and other days she would get angry, and was unable to let go of whatever was making her mad. I had to focus on the woman she used to be, instead of the person she was becoming. This is beautiful. There are times when I feel like dealing with my 92 year old father is like dealing with a small child. His problem right now is that he turns his hearing aids down so nobody can talk to him on the phone. Dad long ago did his will and POA, so that is covered. 3 years ago, he gave up driving. I know he is still deeply grieving the loss of my mother 2 years ago because he did not believe she was dying. Everybody else knew she was dying, but he was shocked and still can't believe she is gone.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 23, 2016 10:44:23 GMT -5
First of all, I wanted to let you know you've got my sympathy. As parents age, their personalities can do a big change, and not always for the better.
And, I agree with the others that it's time for a medical evaluation. And, I really hope your parent has their Will, and Power of Attorney already in place, because if dementia is the diagnosis, you won't be able to get those documents done, as they wouldn't be "fit" or "in sound mind" to sign.
Towards the end, it was sort of like dealing with a small child when it came to my Mom. Some days she was her old self, and other days she would get angry, and was unable to let go of whatever was making her mad. I had to focus on the woman she used to be, instead of the person she was becoming. This is beautiful. There are times when I feel like dealing with my 92 year old father is like dealing with a small child. His problem right now is that he turns his hearing aids down so nobody can talk to him on the phone. Dad long ago did his will and POA, so that is covered. 3 years ago, he gave up driving. I know he is still deeply grieving the loss of my mother 2 years ago because he did not believe she was dying. Everybody else knew she was dying, but he was shocked and still can't believe she is gone. I can so relate to that feeling.
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janee
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Post by janee on May 23, 2016 11:43:11 GMT -5
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is extremely hard to figure out.
I believe my Mom is starting on the dementia slide. She is paranoid and has cut off contact with all her kids. There is no doctor to call because she hasn't been to a doctor in 40+ years. If someone else talks to her, she sounds very with it. But she's changed so much, it's the only explanation that makes sense. I called the court and talked to the clerk. Wasn't very helpful. I need a doctor's note but how do I get that when my mom won't go to the doctor? She has to be a threat to herself or others but I can't honestly say that. It would be a full time job just deflecting the venom and stress. So sad. I am forced to take a waiting game. I will be there for her when and if she needs help, but she will make it incredibly painful.
I think the best advice here was it is easier to take if you realize they can't help it and they are trying to cover it up. Hugs to you and all who are dealing with this same type of situation.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on May 23, 2016 12:03:38 GMT -5
Are any of you dealing with elderly, aging parents? Are you staying sane?
I only have my father that is in his 80s. (My mother passed away 12 years ago. I have no children to deal with, thank goodness.)
My father is a troublemaker and I am always caught in the middle. He twists words around or lies. He allows other family to blame me for things he does.
Examples:
1) He went to confront his sister about something. He told me about it later. I told my sister. When my sister asked him about it, he denied seeing his sister. As if I made the whole story up.
2) This week he told me to email his brother and tell him Dad did not want any company this weekend because he has too much going on. So I did. The next day, he called his brother and told him he has a bed open. He told his brother I get things twisted around. In reality, his did a complete 180 overnight.
Next week I am taking him to an important doctor's appointment and I am not going to tell anyone what the doctor said. He will turn it around.
I confront Dad about these things and he listens and shows no emotion. I realize he is bored and has nothing better to do than cause trouble, but I am not bored and have no time for this.
I live closest to him and I want to help him because he is aging and slowing down, but I am at my wits end.
Please be gentle on me. I can't handle much more.
Confabulation is quite common in elderly people who are beginning to slide into dementia. It's not really lying...they just don't remember, and rather than admit it, they make things up in order to appear like they're still in full possession of their faculties. I know it's really hard for both of you. My sympathies.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on May 23, 2016 12:20:22 GMT -5
So my mother just called me. She is at her old house, which she has not lived in for a year, and which my sibs and I are gradually cleaning out. She wanted to know if I have seen a particular small box that she thinks was in the back of the front hall near the desk, which she may have put her opal ring in along with some junk jewelry. The desk was removed eight years ago, but I'm supposed to know where the box has been in the meantime, and she hopes we haven't thrown it out. No, Mom, we never throw anything out without carefully looking through it to see if there is anything valuable in it amongst all the junk you hoarded. And we have been looking for that ring.
Then there was the pearl necklace that was missing, unless of course the plumbers found it in all the junk and stole it. (Usually her first reaction if she cannot find something is that a worker stole it.) She had described where it was on a coffee table in the living room that I had cleared off 3 1/2 years ago and put all the beading and other craft stuff in the basement, and I kept looking for that necklace in the boxes I had packed up, and worried that I might have mistaken it for costume jewelry and donated it. Then I found it in some stuff my mother had packed up over eight years ago. When I told her where I found it, she said, "Oh, I thought it might be there". Thanks, Mom, for not suggesting that that was where it might be.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on May 24, 2016 10:38:33 GMT -5
Had a long talk with MIL's sister (7 years younger than MIL) she's been a social worker and agrees with the signs of dementia in her sister. I was really relieved because I thought she might deny it too like DH.
She also thinks that MIL is bi-polar.
We're both very concerned MIL has pretty much alienated everybody but her housekeeper and pond guy. Feels like we're all waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Aunt in-law says she will visit the end of June and hopes to meet with MIL's psychologist.
While it's not resolution I do feel better that I'm not alone.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on May 26, 2016 3:22:57 GMT -5
I wish you luck. This is not easy.
If/when I lose my mind in dementia, I only wish my brain tricks me into thinking I'm still 30 and living an amazing life jet-setting around Europe.
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