Deleted
Joined: Oct 13, 2024 23:25:06 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2016 16:07:48 GMT -5
I don't understand all the support for public welfare on this board, but so little support for someone who wants to help someone they know. Honeysalt is not suggesting they take care of the woman forever. If the help ends up not working that would be sad, but not catastrophic to the OP. If Amy doesn't do what she agrees to do, then cut off the help. It is tough love, so of course it could be tough.
As i said earlier, I dont know if helping is a good idea or not, but I don't see that it is so definitely a bad idea as others seem to see. The OP can set boundaries on what type of help, how it proceeds, if it needs to end, when it needs to end etc.
I have never understood the "I used to love that person, but now I dont" mentality. If Honeysalt's husband used to love this woman, then good for him that he still wants to see her do well. It is a healthier attitude then hating your ex, imo.
|
|
resolution
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:09:56 GMT -5
Posts: 7,247
Mini-Profile Name Color: 305b2b
|
Post by resolution on Apr 30, 2016 16:22:57 GMT -5
I am one that supports public welfare on the board. I don't see a problem with him providing a lump sum three months worth of rent for her if she wants to move back. Or even paying it direct to the landlord if she finds an apartment and signs a lease. Or even moving her into their house for three months, if they can accept the risk that she may not want to move back out.
I do see a problem with him trying to break up her bad relationship, monitor her exercise frequency, her eating habits and her job search. She is a grown woman, not a child, and the original plan was just going to entangle him into her daily life in a parent role. I also don't see how he can set up a jobless woman into an apartment lease unless he signs it, which makes him liable for 12 months rather than 3.
|
|
bean29
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 22:26:57 GMT -5
Posts: 10,213
|
Post by bean29 on Apr 30, 2016 16:27:44 GMT -5
Hickle,
I somewhat agree with you. I actually really see less risk with a past relationship than in the next person down the road. Usually with an ex, there is baggage and bad feelings - a reason that relationship is over.
but,
This woman is described as being a train wreck, she has a history of problems there is possibly dependency issues involved. She would probably rather have someone to take care of her rather than do something herself to make her life better. I have a grade school friend that is constantly posting on facebook...My faucet is leaking, my yard needs to be mowed, can someone snowblow my driveway. I have no food in the house. Normal people don't beg for people to do this stuff for them. If I come home, and DH is not home and I have a foot of snow, I get out a shovel.
If my DH could not fix the faucet I would call another relative or pay a plumber.
This person works for a school, she works maybe 30 hours a week. She can't get UC for the summer b/c she works for a school and apparently they are smart enough to exclude their employees from qualifying for UC for expected unemployment. But her solution to being unemployed for the summer seems to be to get a job that pays cash. WHAT? Why not get a 2nd job?
I guess I just know too many people that live close to the edge. I didn't say don't help - I said help anonymously preferable via an agency. If they help on the record, this person will probably look for more help from them in the future.
I don't go to work every day to pay other people's bills.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Apr 30, 2016 17:49:28 GMT -5
The problem with helping is so very often it is actually enabling. But the person enabling feels good because they're "helping".
|
|
honeysalt
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 3, 2015 21:59:46 GMT -5
Posts: 154
|
Post by honeysalt on Apr 30, 2016 17:58:13 GMT -5
Just to clarify a few things, not that it changes how bad of an idea this was.
She didn't ask for help, and my DH didn't offer her any when they spoke on the phone. As emotional as he was, he would never suggest something without running it by me.
This is the only ex that DH is still close with. It makes me happy because I don't know if we will be married forever (we have shared 10 good years), but I would really like to be his friend for the rest of my life. He feels the same. I am close with one ex as well. Even though my romantic interest in my ex no longer exists, my interest in a great person that I have known and been friends with for 15 years runs deep. So, I get it, and I support it.
I am sorry for those who have gotten burned in similar situations, and I am not naive enough to think it could never happen to me. I just know if it did, I would be fine. We have separate finances, no kids and more friendship that romance in our partnership, which we both think is fun. If it isn't enjoyable, or one of us wants to be with someone else, splitting won't as legally or emotionally complicated for us as it would be for most people.
Also, Kittensaver helped me see that this was coming from emotional baggage on my part. When I was a teenager, I was a pretty big mess, and some family friends had compassion and let me live with them for 6 months, so I could get my head on straight in a town where no one knew me. While I agree with DramaQ that situational change doesn't usually bring personal change, it did for me. But then, I was in high school, where your identity is being shaped by your peers, and in small town with very few peers. While I still owe this debt, this would have been an unhealthy way to pay it, so I am going to look into some organized communities to volunteer with in my community, so thanks to Whosisjohngalt for bringing that up.
I knew I could count on this board to give it to me straight, and from every angle, which is a great resource to have. Thanks!
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 30, 2016 18:05:53 GMT -5
I've helped plenty of people, I volunteered time, I donated money, I did various work. Partly bc it made me feel good, partly bc I feel incredibly blessed in my life and want to share it, partly bc I truly believe that some people wouldn't be able to survive otherwise.
But I absolutely draw the line when it comes to giving anything to people who think they deserve my help or that they are entitled to it or the ones who don't do anything with the help they get.
I feel pretty much the same way about govt assistance and personal assistance. And as I said in a different thread, I used to think that family was above the line. But that was until I met my IL's. After years of providing financial and other assistance and seeing NO benefit I don't put all family on the same level anymore.
Oh and I learned one more thing after getting to know my IL's - there are people in this world who will always find someone to give them money or help them. And more power to them. I just won't be that "someone"
|
|
tskeeter
Junior Associate
Joined: Mar 20, 2011 19:37:45 GMT -5
Posts: 6,831
|
Post by tskeeter on Apr 30, 2016 20:11:21 GMT -5
Run! Run for your life now. trying to deal with someone else's mental health issues is a whirlpool that usually becomes all consuming for friends and family trying to help. If the mental health professionals can only do it several hours a week, what makes you think that untrained people can do it 24/7/365? Imagine living your life wondering when the phone is going to ring again and what crisis you will be faced with. When I was dating a girl with some mental health challenges, I made multiple early AM trips to various police stations, dealt with constantly changing expectations, and talked her into handing me a razor sharp 10 inch chef's knife instead of injuring herself. Are you up for taking on living like that? If you move the X, you remove her from whatever support network she has. Not a smart move. You become the only support system she has. Can't support be transferred or reinstated from state to state? I am sure if she is eligible in one state - she will get it anywhere. More or less but never none. Wondering what is Amy thinking about this all. Is this her or DH idea? And seriously it is very nice but can ruin your life. Have you ever met the woman? Also you saying that she is not on drugs...if correctly administered - you never know. I know the young lady who was using it for 6 years and not one person suspected .Until she went to get bigger dosage and ended up living under the bridge in a car. She is ok now. And I am very happy for her. So be careful please.
When I talk about the support network, I'm not talking about just financial support. I'm talking about the social workers the person knows and who know her case, the network of people who are available to help on short notice, the locations and ways to access assistance resources. Relocate a person and all those connections are broken. Since many with mental health challenges flounder when they lose their anchors, relocation is often a poor idea.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,777
|
Post by thyme4change on May 10, 2016 8:43:36 GMT -5
This is so true. For a while people used the saying "Wherever you go, there you are." I thought it was nonsensical and silly for a long time, and then I tried to run away from my problems by going to a different state. I got there, and I was the same person, with the same problems - only now in a place where I didn't know anyone. So, I went away, but I was still there - me, myself and my problems.
|
|