cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Apr 29, 2016 1:01:34 GMT -5
I wanted to help my ex once in 1986 for a while. He was in a alcohol treatment program and getting out. The program gave him a room, minimum wage job and a voucher for clothing and boots. I bought him a bookcase to keep food in his room and gave him a small used TV and even took him shopping for the clothing and boots since he didn't have transportation. I had been married to him 17 years and wanted him to be ok. This was before ISO moved in with me and said he wasn't going to move in since I might go back to my ex. I had no intention of going back to him or being romantically involved but we had been a family and had so many people we had been related to or friends with to catch up on it was nice seeing him again. If he hadn't messed up so I never spoke to him again I might have helped him more when he was too old to work but he didn't live long enough to get old. Some old relationship last much longer than old marriages. My brother's first wife was just saying we met in 1964 so we have known her 52 years she was BFF with my other brother's wife long before that. They have been divorced about 35 years but we still all care about her and see her once in a while. We saw her last month at a party at her daughter's house for a one year in foster care party for a teen girl.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Apr 29, 2016 1:02:06 GMT -5
Mostly a lurker, but I would appreciate some input on a financial and personal situation. DH has an ex (I'll call her Amy) who had a horrific childhood. She was removed from multiple foster homes due to abuse. They haven't dated for over 15 years, but have remained friends. There is zero jealousy or concern about fidelity on my end. Amy is currently living in another state and working a minimum wage job. She has some health problems and is in a bad relationship and recently tried to take her own life. She was given in patient treatment and is now in outpatient treatment. DH would like to help her out financially. As in move her back to our city and set her up with an apartment for 3 months. He would also help her get a job. He wants to make strict conditions for the financial support. I feel very torn. This woman has no one and, I respect my DH for keeping his relationship with her all of these years, and for caring enough to want to intervene. We can afford to do this. We don't and can't have children, we are fully funding retirement, etc.. However, we live a fairly modest lifestyle and I am afraid that I will end up feeling annoyed about making sacrifices to help support his ex. On the other hand, I have a great life and could possibly make a difference for this woman and feel guilty for being selfish. Finally, I am worried about DH wanting to make rules for her. I understand he wants to give her guidance, but that just seems like a boundary mess waiting to happen, and gifts need to be made without strings. WWYD? Run! Run for your life now. trying to deal with someone else's mental health issues is a whirlpool that usually becomes all consuming for friends and family trying to help. If the mental health professionals can only do it several hours a week, what makes you think that untrained people can do it 24/7/365? Imagine living your life wondering when the phone is going to ring again and what crisis you will be faced with. When I was dating a girl with some mental health challenges, I made multiple early AM trips to various police stations, dealt with constantly changing expectations, and talked her into handing me a razor sharp 10 inch chef's knife instead of injuring herself. Are you up for taking on living like that? If you move the X, you remove her from whatever support network she has. Not a smart move. You become the only support system she has.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Apr 29, 2016 2:44:58 GMT -5
And this is how my STBXH became my STBXH. Waaaay over involved in another woman's life..............who NEEEEEEEEEEEDED him.............
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 29, 2016 3:15:57 GMT -5
If you insist on doing this thing, you handle it all. Your husband is not to take phone calls, leyters? Emails, anything. If you went to a counselor I would hope he or she would tell you in no way get involved in this in any way shape or form.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Apr 29, 2016 3:50:44 GMT -5
You may think you are OK with this now, but this will not work out the way either of you expect. If you want to help her you can anonymously fund treatment, temporary housing etc. through some org like st. Vincent de Paul. If your DH does it directly she will potentially see him as a boyfriend/sugar daddy. She also may think he will continue to help her without her having to make difficult changes.
I have lived through this myself. DH and I had a young woman living with us when we were first married. They were not having an affair but my boundaries got violated and I had to ask DH to have her move out. It worked out fine, she moved in with her eventual husband, but it was very stressful to work through.
I also have a married friend (an attorney) who was providing pro bono legal help to a very messed up young woman. He had been working with her for a few months and she violated probation (drugs or proximity to alcohol). Her solution was to offer him sex. He was very offended and backed away from continuing to do that type of charity.
People that live close to the edge deal with life in ways most of us will never understand.
Both of you need to maintain your distance.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Apr 29, 2016 4:26:27 GMT -5
Bean29: I'm glad your DH was compliant and understood that boundaries were violated. It's very difficult when the other person in the partnership doesn't see this and won't understand why you feel so betrayed.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 29, 2016 6:36:42 GMT -5
If your husband refuses to stay out of it, insisting on going to a counselor first might help this potential disaster. I'm hoping you saying it's not a good plan for her to come back will be enough for him and he doesn't start doing things for her behind your back. You can't help someone who doesn't really want it.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Apr 29, 2016 6:58:59 GMT -5
Wishing you all the best. Sounds like you got this figured out.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Apr 29, 2016 9:30:56 GMT -5
Bean29: I'm glad your DH was compliant and understood that boundaries were violated. It's very difficult when the other person in the partnership doesn't see this and won't understand why you feel so betrayed. She did not really do anything wrong. I just got paranoid about having a very pretty young woman living in my house. I told him to ask her to move out but gave her time to find a decent living situation. At that point she had probably lived with us a year. Our house was plenty big to have a boarder and she helped with my 2 year old and did light cleaning. What actually sent me over the edge was she vacuumed out bedroom and made my bed. it just made me nuts, and I could not get over it. I was thinking about it after I posted here and I was laughing at myself. My MIL used to clean my house occasionally, but she stayed out of my bedroom - I just connected the dots.
He thought I was a nut case, but he understood the stress I was under was not going to go away by just telling me to get over it or deal with it. We had wanted to help her get on her feet - she was an immigrant with no family willing to help her in our area. We did giver her time to get established in a job and make friends so by the time I decided I did not want another woman in my house, she was able to move on without it causing much of an issue for her.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Apr 29, 2016 10:25:50 GMT -5
Mostly a lurker, but I would appreciate some input on a financial and personal situation. DH has an ex (I'll call her Amy) who had a horrific childhood. She was removed from multiple foster homes due to abuse. They haven't dated for over 15 years, but have remained friends. There is zero jealousy or concern about fidelity on my end. Amy is currently living in another state and working a minimum wage job. She has some health problems and is in a bad relationship and recently tried to take her own life. She was given in patient treatment and is now in outpatient treatment. DH would like to help her out financially. As in move her back to our city and set her up with an apartment for 3 months. He would also help her get a job. He wants to make strict conditions for the financial support. I feel very torn. This woman has no one and, I respect my DH for keeping his relationship with her all of these years, and for caring enough to want to intervene. We can afford to do this. We don't and can't have children, we are fully funding retirement, etc.. However, we live a fairly modest lifestyle and I am afraid that I will end up feeling annoyed about making sacrifices to help support his ex. On the other hand, I have a great life and could possibly make a difference for this woman and feel guilty for being selfish. Finally, I am worried about DH wanting to make rules for her. I understand he wants to give her guidance, but that just seems like a boundary mess waiting to happen, and gifts need to be made without strings. WWYD? Run! Run for your life now. trying to deal with someone else's mental health issues is a whirlpool that usually becomes all consuming for friends and family trying to help. If the mental health professionals can only do it several hours a week, what makes you think that untrained people can do it 24/7/365? Imagine living your life wondering when the phone is going to ring again and what crisis you will be faced with. When I was dating a girl with some mental health challenges, I made multiple early AM trips to various police stations, dealt with constantly changing expectations, and talked her into handing me a razor sharp 10 inch chef's knife instead of injuring herself. Are you up for taking on living like that? If you move the X, you remove her from whatever support network she has. Not a smart move. You become the only support system she has.This.. over and over and over again. The whole idea of a "clean start in a new place" is pure idealism and romanticism. The hard cold truth is that you can't force 'change' on someone. You can't just take a person away from their 'problems' and they will miraculously "be fine". They are still the same person with their baggage.
She will have to figure out how to navigate the social services in your area. She will have to make new friends in your area (which may be just as unsavory as the one's she already has). Or, she may feel so isolated that it makes everything worse.
I do understand your concern and the feeling that it would be good to help... but I'd try to find some other way to offer support.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 29, 2016 11:04:25 GMT -5
Completely agree with everything kittensaver and giramomma said. Why does he want to help HER? Why not someone else? While I don't think there is anything for you to worry about (romantically), but I do find it incredibly strange when people who dated years ago find the need to keep the relationship going for this long. ESPECIALLY in this type of dis functional situation. If your husband needs a "project", I am sure there are plenty to choose from - many have already been mentioned on this thread. What is so wrong for wanting to help a friend? Honestly I don't get the worries or concern about romance or why one should have to end a friendship simply because one is now married or some time clock ran out. Things happen, I don't get why DH should stop caring. The person almost committed suicide. Why would another "project" make him forget that?
Some of us aren't all that happy when someone we know wants to off themselves or are dying. Is it now YM to not care?
You can care all you want. However caring does not mean that you need to provide that person with money, housing and be their babysitter. His strings are not something she will be able to honor. People are not dogs that can be trained. People are imperfect and if she has been repeating this pattern for decades she will eventually repeat it again. Only now Honeysalt's DH is her sole means of support. I've been there with people who are trainwrecks. They don't stop being trainwrecks when you take over their lives for them. It actually gets WORSE and they then turn around and blame you for it. He can be supportive all he wants from a distance. He can be her cheerleader if she decides to leave the relationship, he can go with her to pick out a suit for a job interview, he can give her the domestic abuse hotline number, he can take her to the DHHS office and be moral support as they walk her thru the process of getting assistance. Having boundaries does not mean you don't care about someone or want them to kill themselves. It's about not getting yourself sucked into the vortex which will result in you losing A LOT. Eventually you turn around and the only person you have left is the trainwreck. IF he absolutely insists on helping then it'll need to be in the form of $X amount of money that is completely written off as a gift never to be seen again. He can't dictate what she does with it, he can't set "boundaries" by trying to control her behavior. Either she uses the money to fix her life or she blows it. You can't control other people and what they choose to do with their lives. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
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honeysalt
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Post by honeysalt on Apr 29, 2016 11:41:48 GMT -5
Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. I talked to DH last night and told him no to moving her here/paying for her living expenses. He said he was relieved. He came up with this idea in an emotionally hot state of finding out she tried to kill herself and when he calmed down he saw what a bad idea it was.
She has access to all of her local resources because she got a case worker when she was hospitalized. Currently, she has access to therapy. If that changes, we decided that we will pay for weekly therapy for a year. We will pay the therapist directly if her therapist approves. He isn't going to offer this, but when he checks in with her (they communicate via face book about 4 times a year), he will ask how therapy is going. If she states that she no longer has access, we will make this offer. While this won't be cheap, it is an amount I am completely comfortable with. Therapy seems like the best way for her to get the tools she needs to stop self sabotaging.
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Apr 29, 2016 11:47:02 GMT -5
I love your intentions and those of your husband! That being said, I can't see this plan going well.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 29, 2016 12:24:21 GMT -5
He came up with this idea in an emotionally hot state of finding out she tried to kill herself and when he calmed down he saw what a bad idea it was.
Yep and that's when we make stupid decisions. It's also when people like his friends figure out your DH can be kept on the hook for life b/c he is invested in keeping her from killing herself. That line would be trotted out every time he starts to pull away.
The thing to remember is you cannot control other people's actions. Professionals can't always stop people from harming/killing themselves. Us average Joes sure as heck aren't going to be able to.
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garion2003
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Post by garion2003 on Apr 29, 2016 12:35:02 GMT -5
He wants to make the conditions that she works out 4x a week (because that is what her doctor told her to do for her medical condition), continues therapy, learns to cook, and goes to work. He doesn't want or expect repayment. Typing this out makes me see how absurd this is. We can't have kids, but we also don't have kids because neither of us is suited to be a parent to a child or woman in her late thirties. Agreed. What you described above is a huge responsibility. I applaud the drive to help out, and I am sure there are things you CAN and will do to be of help -that don't involve you bringing her into your life (and neighborhood!)
Good luck!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2016 14:29:45 GMT -5
And this is how my STBXH became my STBXH. Waaaay over involved in another woman's life..............who NEEEEEEEEEEEDED him............. This!
I broke up with a perfectly good guy once because his ex kept coming around. I truly believe he never messed around on me or anything, and it was her stopping by his house and calling all of the time, but I still said adios.
Since they were never married and had no children together, I didn't have to put up with it.
But, she wasn't in dire straights as the subject of OP's case.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Apr 29, 2016 19:10:27 GMT -5
What is so wrong for wanting to help a friend? Honestly I don't get the worries or concern about romance or why one should have to end a friendship simply because one is now married or some time clock ran out. Things happen, I don't get why DH should stop caring. The person almost committed suicide. Why would another "project" make him forget that?
Some of us aren't all that happy when someone we know wants to off themselves or are dying. Is it now YM to not care?
It's not about the friendship. That part doesn't bother me. It's about the sudden desire to "help" someone.
But, I'm a cynic. If my husband is completely behaving out of his norm (in an unhealthy way, at that), I'd want to know why. Actually, that goes for my kids, too. If OP had said..."Normally, my DH spends XX on Charities every year. This year, he would rather gift that money to help a friend in need..what are the financial implications other than the gift isn't tax deductible.." That would be completely different. Or " DH has volunteered for a suicide hotline for several years. Now we find out that his ex is in outpatient care because she attempted committed suicide. He would like to help her get out of her situation, get settled, and get her started on a new life." Well, then I wouldn't find the behavior odd. No person is so insulated that they've never known anyone whose been worse off in life, either in person or anecdotally. ETA: Also notice, OP's husband did not say "Geeze, X is falling on hard times. I wonder how best I can support her. If my ex willing, maybe I could sit down with her during one session with her therapist, and then I can see what I can do for the best interest of my ex." We probably both agree it would have been better if OP's husband did have the bolded reaction. But he didn't.
Perhaps your phrase about "suddenly want to help" means different things to each of us. At first it almost read like it was wrong to want to help quickly if you found out someone tried or seriously thought about committing suicide. I was further confounded by the idea caring and wanting to help had to be linked to activities one had prior.
I think its normal to suddenly want to help when hearing such news.
I think its unusual to come up with OP DH's original suggestion. And then quickly actually do it. But I didn't think that would stick, so I think I was less concerned about that than others posting here. I know some anxious people who come up with umm interesting plans in the heat of the moment. So I expect those plans to be revised. Like they were in this case.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Apr 29, 2016 19:12:41 GMT -5
What is so wrong for wanting to help a friend? Honestly I don't get the worries or concern about romance or why one should have to end a friendship simply because one is now married or some time clock ran out. Things happen, I don't get why DH should stop caring. The person almost committed suicide. Why would another "project" make him forget that?
Some of us aren't all that happy when someone we know wants to off themselves or are dying. Is it now YM to not care?
You can care all you want. However caring does not mean that you need to provide that person with money, housing and be their babysitter. His strings are not something she will be able to honor. People are not dogs that can be trained. People are imperfect and if she has been repeating this pattern for decades she will eventually repeat it again. Only now Honeysalt's DH is her sole means of support. I've been there with people who are trainwrecks. They don't stop being trainwrecks when you take over their lives for them. It actually gets WORSE and they then turn around and blame you for it. He can be supportive all he wants from a distance. He can be her cheerleader if she decides to leave the relationship, he can go with her to pick out a suit for a job interview, he can give her the domestic abuse hotline number, he can take her to the DHHS office and be moral support as they walk her thru the process of getting assistance. Having boundaries does not mean you don't care about someone or want them to kill themselves. It's about not getting yourself sucked into the vortex which will result in you losing A LOT. Eventually you turn around and the only person you have left is the trainwreck. IF he absolutely insists on helping then it'll need to be in the form of $X amount of money that is completely written off as a gift never to be seen again. He can't dictate what she does with it, he can't set "boundaries" by trying to control her behavior. Either she uses the money to fix her life or she blows it. You can't control other people and what they choose to do with their lives. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I hope you weren't actually replying to me, but just using that bolded sentence to launch your post.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2016 19:34:00 GMT -5
What is so wrong for wanting to help a friend? Honestly I don't get the worries or concern about romance or why one should have to end a friendship simply because one is now married or some time clock ran out. Things happen, I don't get why DH should stop caring. The person almost committed suicide. Why would another "project" make him forget that?
Some of us aren't all that happy when someone we know wants to off themselves or are dying. Is it now YM to not care?
You can care all you want. However caring does not mean that you need to provide that person with money, housing and be their babysitter. His strings are not something she will be able to honor. People are not dogs that can be trained. People are imperfect and if she has been repeating this pattern for decades she will eventually repeat it again. Only now Honeysalt's DH is her sole means of support. I've been there with people who are trainwrecks. They don't stop being trainwrecks when you take over their lives for them. It actually gets WORSE and they then turn around and blame you for it. He can be supportive all he wants from a distance. He can be her cheerleader if she decides to leave the relationship, he can go with her to pick out a suit for a job interview, he can give her the domestic abuse hotline number, he can take her to the DHHS office and be moral support as they walk her thru the process of getting assistance. Having boundaries does not mean you don't care about someone or want them to kill themselves. It's about not getting yourself sucked into the vortex which will result in you losing A LOT. Eventually you turn around and the only person you have left is the trainwreck. IF he absolutely insists on helping then it'll need to be in the form of $X amount of money that is completely written off as a gift never to be seen again. He can't dictate what she does with it, he can't set "boundaries" by trying to control her behavior. Either she uses the money to fix her life or she blows it. You can't control other people and what they choose to do with their lives. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. What a cynical, depressing way of thinking.
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Apr 29, 2016 19:49:36 GMT -5
You can care all you want. However caring does not mean that you need to provide that person with money, housing and be their babysitter. His strings are not something she will be able to honor. People are not dogs that can be trained. People are imperfect and if she has been repeating this pattern for decades she will eventually repeat it again. Only now Honeysalt's DH is her sole means of support. I've been there with people who are trainwrecks. They don't stop being trainwrecks when you take over their lives for them. It actually gets WORSE and they then turn around and blame you for it. He can be supportive all he wants from a distance. He can be her cheerleader if she decides to leave the relationship, he can go with her to pick out a suit for a job interview, he can give her the domestic abuse hotline number, he can take her to the DHHS office and be moral support as they walk her thru the process of getting assistance. Having boundaries does not mean you don't care about someone or want them to kill themselves. It's about not getting yourself sucked into the vortex which will result in you losing A LOT. Eventually you turn around and the only person you have left is the trainwreck. IF he absolutely insists on helping then it'll need to be in the form of $X amount of money that is completely written off as a gift never to be seen again. He can't dictate what she does with it, he can't set "boundaries" by trying to control her behavior. Either she uses the money to fix her life or she blows it. You can't control other people and what they choose to do with their lives. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. What a cynical, depressing way of thinking. I'm going with realistic.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2016 19:57:28 GMT -5
What a cynical, depressing way of thinking. I'm going with realistic. so you think helping someone is not realistic?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 29, 2016 21:21:08 GMT -5
Helping someone who doesn't really want to be helped is.
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Apr 29, 2016 23:08:08 GMT -5
I'm going with realistic. so you think helping someone is not realistic? Depends on what your definition of "helping" is, isn't it? Most here seem to agree that throwing money at people without them being willing to deal with the root cause of their problems does more harm than good and isn't really helping them.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 30, 2016 12:08:34 GMT -5
Thinking you can change someone isn't helping. It's moving the pile around. You can't change other people, they can only change themselves.
I wouldn't even pay for the therapist personally but at least that is a better idea than paying for an apartment with a bunch of conditions.
Would he really have kicked her out if she didn't go to the gym, get therapy and all the other things he wants her to do to improve her life?
You can say he would follow thru, he can even say he would but what if she threatened to kill herself again when he comes to tell her that she hasn't honored their agreement so he's ending it?
You can't control other people's lives. You can't make people fix themselves.
I get some posters here think that enabling people is helping and anyone who doesn't do exactly what they do is a horrible selfish person, that's fine they are entitled to their opinion. It's also fine if you want think I am cynical because I do not believe in being somebody's savior or white knight. You are free to do whatever in you want when people come to you for help.
Doesn't make people who won't bend over backwards till the snap bad people.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2016 12:13:37 GMT -5
Thinking you can change someone isn't helping. It's moving the pile around. You can't change other people, they can only change themselves. I wouldn't even pay for the therapist personally but at least that is a better idea than paying for an apartment with a bunch of conditions. Would he really have kicked her out if she didn't go to the gym, get therapy and all the other things he wants her to do to improve her life? You can say he would follow thru, he can even say he would but what if she threatened to kill herself again when he comes to tell her that she hasn't honored their agreement so he's ending it? You can't control other people's lives. You can't make people fix themselves. I get some posters here think that enabling people is helping and anyone who doesn't do exactly what they do is a horrible selfish person, that's fine they are entitled to their opinion. Doesn't make people who won't bend over backwards till the snap bad people. Do you exaggerate much? Who said someone was a bad person for not bending over backwards. Where did honeysalt say "make" her change and not "help"?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 30, 2016 12:24:48 GMT -5
He wants to make the conditions that she works out 4x a week (because that is what her doctor told her to do for her medical condition), continues therapy, learns to cook, and goes to work.
These were his conditions for renting her an apartment for 3 months. How would he make sure she's doing all those things consistently?
He was hoping that providing her with the apartment and all the conditions attached he would be able to inspire/make/force /convince/help her to change. Which it wouldn't unless she wanted to.
And if she didn't then what? Does he go by the agreement and terminate the lease? What if she threatened to kill herself again?
At least paying the therapist directly is better, they just stop paying the therapist if she quits going. It's a business relationship between them and the therapist.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 30, 2016 12:39:04 GMT -5
OK, so let me get on my soap box.....
Story 1:
My IL's have been very very fat since I've known them. They always want to loose weight. So one time they decided to do it and my FIL actually lost ~50lbs. I was very happy mostly bc it made my husband happy. So I told them that we will give them an extra $100/mo (we were already sending them hundreds dollars a month) to buy more produce and healthier food.
It didn't last 5 minutes. Within 6 months my FIL was back to his original weight, but they were still taking extra $100 for years afterwards.
Story 2:
There came a point when my SIL and BIL didn't have a car, so I offered to lend them my car. They had it for 3 months. Then they bought a car and didn't need mine. It took me over a month of chasing them trying to get my car back. SIL wouldn't return my calls to make arrangements. My husband finally made arrangement and they dropped off my car on the McD parking lot an hour away from our house. It wouldn't have been the end of the world, but my husband and I had to go get it and back then our infant wouldn't ride 5 min in a car without screaming, so my husband was driving for an hour with a screaming kid and I couldn't do anything about it bc I was driving my own car back.
So, yes, I am perfectly fine being called cynical for not wanting to help people who don't want to be helped or can't appreciate the help. As a matter of fact, I am perfectly fine being called anything under the sun. I sleep very well at night knowing that I have a good heart but not a stupid head.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 30, 2016 12:55:37 GMT -5
If he is putting himself in charge of directing her life, he is setting all of you up for a lot of frustration, pain and heartache.
Leave the "social-working" of another adult to the professionals. The boundaries get f'ed up waaaaaaay too fast.
Be her friend, but refuse to be her savior. She needs more help than either of you can give her.
Good luck whatever you decide.
You are exactly right. My DH normally has strong boundaries. He is confident in his ability to manage people and projects professionally, but doesn't understand how those skills are not transferable to this personal situation. Also, he has no experience with this. All of his other friends and exes are successful personally and professionally, so he doesn't comprehend how far this situation is out of his ability to fix it. I will admit to thinking it was my job to save people in my twenties, and probably got tempted by unhealthy patterns. Time to burn my hero cape instead of burying it in the back of the closet. What is going to happen if you are going to firmly refuse?
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 30, 2016 13:03:01 GMT -5
Mostly a lurker, but I would appreciate some input on a financial and personal situation. DH has an ex (I'll call her Amy) who had a horrific childhood. She was removed from multiple foster homes due to abuse. They haven't dated for over 15 years, but have remained friends. There is zero jealousy or concern about fidelity on my end. Amy is currently living in another state and working a minimum wage job. She has some health problems and is in a bad relationship and recently tried to take her own life. She was given in patient treatment and is now in outpatient treatment. DH would like to help her out financially. As in move her back to our city and set her up with an apartment for 3 months. He would also help her get a job. He wants to make strict conditions for the financial support. I feel very torn. This woman has no one and, I respect my DH for keeping his relationship with her all of these years, and for caring enough to want to intervene. We can afford to do this. We don't and can't have children, we are fully funding retirement, etc.. However, we live a fairly modest lifestyle and I am afraid that I will end up feeling annoyed about making sacrifices to help support his ex. On the other hand, I have a great life and could possibly make a difference for this woman and feel guilty for being selfish. Finally, I am worried about DH wanting to make rules for her. I understand he wants to give her guidance, but that just seems like a boundary mess waiting to happen, and gifts need to be made without strings. WWYD? Run! Run for your life now. trying to deal with someone else's mental health issues is a whirlpool that usually becomes all consuming for friends and family trying to help. If the mental health professionals can only do it several hours a week, what makes you think that untrained people can do it 24/7/365? Imagine living your life wondering when the phone is going to ring again and what crisis you will be faced with. When I was dating a girl with some mental health challenges, I made multiple early AM trips to various police stations, dealt with constantly changing expectations, and talked her into handing me a razor sharp 10 inch chef's knife instead of injuring herself. Are you up for taking on living like that? If you move the X, you remove her from whatever support network she has. Not a smart move. You become the only support system she has. Can't support be transferred or reinstated from state to state? I am sure if she is eligible in one state - she will get it anywhere. More or less but never none. Wondering what is Amy thinking about this all. Is this her or DH idea? And seriously it is very nice but can ruin your life. Have you ever met the woman? Also you saying that she is not on drugs...if correctly administered - you never know. I know the young lady who was using it for 6 years and not one person suspected .Until she went to get bigger dosage and ended up living under the bridge in a car. She is ok now. And I am very happy for her. So be careful please.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 30, 2016 13:11:12 GMT -5
Amy is currently living in another state and working a minimum wage job. She has some health problems and is in a bad relationship and recently tried to take her own life. She was given in patient treatment and is now in outpatient treatment. I feel very torn. This woman has no one and, I respect my DH for keeping his relationship with her all of these years, and for caring enough to want to intervene. Have we missed that completely? Is the bad relationship coming with her? I am pretty sure if she is still staying in bad relationships she wouldn't want to leave that man. She has someone. Her bad relationship. And apparently they have life. However this life is.
And I am always concern about exes who are staying friends. Just saying.
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