Spouse Reaction to Over-Time

[violagirl]

I'm a CPA at one of the Big 4(5?) so this time of year, I work 60-70 hours per week. Also in mid Aug - September. It starts around the beginning of February to maybe 50 hours/week then goes up from there.  

My husband gets very upset at the amount of hours I have to do and while I appreciate him being concerned about me being taken advantage of, his level of upset makes me even more stressed out.

What I find interesting is that for YEARS as a software developer he regularly put in longer weeks than that but I learned how to deal with him never being home. But it doesn't seem to be the same for me in his mind. Maybe he was just always used to me being around to do all the stuff like shopping and cooking etc and there is very little of that being done at the moment. 

To me it seems like he has a double standard. I'm not as upset about the OT as he is! 

Can any one shed some light on his thought process because I don't get why he is so angry about me working over time. He isn't angry at me, but it still stresses me out so I have stopped saying anything about my work so he doesn't go off on a rant. 

I'm not sure what he expects me to do about it, I generally like my job. The hours kind of come along with it. It is probably not in my best interests to tell the partner off. 

[Shooby]

Ask him. Maybe he just misses you and feels lonely. But we all gotta work. This is just the nature of your job. Could you plan a nice trip to the beach immediately after tax season?

[mroped]

Tax time is the busy time for you guys so he should understand that.
Also the fact that he regularly works longer hours should make him understand that sometimes, working OT is necessary.
There is something however that it makes us men get upset about things like that. No matter how evolved we claim to be, how "liberally" thinking and how much we claim that women and men have equal status and we judge using the same standards, there is this nagging thing in the back of our heads that is saying "oh! she's not home because she's working. Who's gonna cook dinner? Who will take care of the house? Who will take care of the kids?etc"
I have no explanation as to why except maybe clinging on traditionalism. It is done involuntarily. We don't even know it exists, that's the bad part.

I love my wife but if she were to work longer hours than I, I would be upset for no reason whatsoever!
And that is as you said it double standard!
I know that I will get over it but it kinda hurts our feelings you know! Is about male pride and things like it.
Your DH will get over it and will probably apologize for having said or done anything about it but in the mean time there is nothing he can do.
That being said, know that things are normal!  At least from this man's perspective.

[gooddecisions]

You said it yourself: Maybe he was just always used to me being around to do all the stuff like shopping and cooking etc and there is very little of that being done at the moment.

Men don't like to be inconvenienced and your OT is inconveniencing him. He takes the flexibility you have the rest of the year for granted and doesn't see that it comes at the cost of crunch time now.

[milee]

I'm sorry you're going through this - it's frustrating.

I don't have any advice about how best to approach this with your husband, but I do have some good advice on what not to do. Even though you feel bad that you're working OT and are away from him and feel like you aren't contributing what you normally do, do not make up for it by doing more when you get home from the OT.  As time goes by, if you're the one that does most of the work when you're not working OT and then when you work OT you do all sorts of things on top of that to "make up" for being gone, it can establish a pattern that you're responsible for doing all the work. If he does OT sometimes and you do OT sometimes, then there will be times when the other person will have to be supportive by taking on more of the household work. That's OK and part of a healthy relationship - to support each other when the other person needs it. If you let his anger or the resulting guilt prevent you from "accepting" support then over time you change the dynamics and pattern of the relationship so that the other person doesn't think it's their role to ever support you.

It sounds like you are caring and want to make your husband happy, I just wanted to suggest that you not do that by picking up all the household work in addition to working the OT. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.  

[Deleted]

Mar 20, 2016 9:49:42 GMT -5 mroped said:

Tax time is the busy time for you guys so he should understand that.
Also the fact that he regularly works longer hours should make him understand that sometimes, working OT is necessary.
There is something however that it makes us men get upset about things like that. No matter how evolved we claim to be, how "liberally" thinking and how much we claim that women and men have equal status and we judge using the same standards, there is this nagging thing in the back of our heads that is saying "oh! she's not home because she's working. Who's gonna cook dinner? Who will take care of the house? Who will take care of the kids?etc"
I have no explanation as to why except maybe clinging on traditionalism. It is done involuntarily. We don't even know it exists, that's the bad part.

I love my wife but if she were to work longer hours than I, I would be upset for no reason whatsoever!
And that is as you said it double standard!
I know that I will get over it but it kinda hurts our feelings you know! Is about male pride and things like it.
Your DH will get over it and will probably apologize for having said or done anything about it but in the mean time there is nothing he can do.
That being said, know that things are normal!  At least from this man's perspective.

And quite frankly this is why I don't work during this child rearing/educating stage. I wasn't going to 'do it all'. He wa raised much more traditionally and I knew that the split would never be 50/50 for across the board, so we split things differently.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Mar 20, 2016 9:31:26 GMT -5 violagirl said:

I'm a CPA at one of the Big 4(5?) so this time of year, I work 60-70 hours per week. Also in mid Aug - September. It starts around the beginning of February to maybe 50 hours/week then goes up from there.  

My husband gets very upset at the amount of hours I have to do and while I appreciate him being concerned about me being taken advantage of, his level of upset makes me even more stressed out.

What I find interesting is that for YEARS as a software developer he regularly put in longer weeks than that but I learned how to deal with him never being home. But it doesn't seem to be the same for me in his mind. Maybe he was just always used to me being around to do all the stuff like shopping and cooking etc and there is very little of that being done at the moment. 

To me it seems like he has a double standard. I'm not as upset about the OT as he is! 

Can any one shed some light on his thought process because I don't get why he is so angry about me working over time. He isn't angry at me, but it still stresses me out so I have stopped saying anything about my work so he doesn't go off on a rant. 

I'm not sure what he expects me to do about it, I generally like my job. The hours kind of come along with it. It is probably not in my best interests to tell the partner off. 

I think you answered your own question.  The shopping and cooking is not getting done as you are working longer hours, and he doesn't want to do it but wants it done.

Can you hire some of this stuff out?  Is it possible to get groceries and meals delivered?

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Ask, him in a non-confrontational way, to find a CPA at a big firm who isn't working crazy hours at this time of year?  Explain that this type of seasonal over-time comes with the job.  If you worked those hours year-round, or weren't paid for it via a high salary/bonus/comp time or if you were the only person working those hours, then MAYBE your employer would be taking advantage of you.  So, point out how that is not true in your case.  

As Milee said, don't let him manipulate you -- intentionally or not -- to picking up the slack at home.  Dust bunnies are perfectly happy waiting until May or June to be swept away.  If he doesn't like to do the grocery shopping, he can order out.  Or, he can order online and have it delivered.  Leave him a Peapod or other such service brochure.  

Otherwise, you just have to ignore him.  

[travelnut11]

Mar 20, 2016 11:01:48 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Mar 20, 2016 9:31:26 GMT -5 violagirl said:

I'm a CPA at one of the Big 4(5?) so this time of year, I work 60-70 hours per week. Also in mid Aug - September. It starts around the beginning of February to maybe 50 hours/week then goes up from there.  

My husband gets very upset at the amount of hours I have to do and while I appreciate him being concerned about me being taken advantage of, his level of upset makes me even more stressed out.

What I find interesting is that for YEARS as a software developer he regularly put in longer weeks than that but I learned how to deal with him never being home. But it doesn't seem to be the same for me in his mind. Maybe he was just always used to me being around to do all the stuff like shopping and cooking etc and there is very little of that being done at the moment. 

To me it seems like he has a double standard. I'm not as upset about the OT as he is! 

Can any one shed some light on his thought process because I don't get why he is so angry about me working over time. He isn't angry at me, but it still stresses me out so I have stopped saying anything about my work so he doesn't go off on a rant. 

I'm not sure what he expects me to do about it, I generally like my job. The hours kind of come along with it. It is probably not in my best interests to tell the partner off. 

I think you answered your own question.  The shopping and cooking is not getting done as you are working longer hours, and he doesn't want to do it but wants it done.

Can you hire some of this stuff out?  Is it possible to get groceries and meals delivered?

Or maybe he just needs to suck it up and do some shopping/cooking? Why should they hire it out if he's at home with time on his hands? Why do people think men are incapable of doing these things and need help?

[Deleted]

Can you tell him what you said in the OP and ask him what he thinks.  I havent been in a relationship in a long time and was never very good at it.  It seems like a calm matter of fact stating of the problem would lead to an answer of some kind.  Negotiate that.

[giramomma]

Mar 20, 2016 9:31:26 GMT -5 violagirl said:

What I find interesting is that for YEARS as a software developer he regularly put in longer weeks than that but I learned how to deal with him never being home. But it doesn't seem to be the same for me in his mind. Maybe he was just always used to me being around to do all the stuff like shopping and cooking etc and there is very little of that being done at the moment. 

Are the two of you talking about chores? Have you asked him for help?  Talk to us about about how the two of you are communicating..

DH was stressing me out about finances. Turns out, he was concerned about money for when he has to start paying for private school tuition for three.  I wasn't clear enough about how the extra tuition expense would be handled up to that point. We aren't totally happy about the situation, but are doing much better than we previously were.

 

[giramomma]

Mar 20, 2016 11:04:33 GMT -5 travelnut11 said:

Mar 20, 2016 11:01:48 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I think you answered your own question.  The shopping and cooking is not getting done as you are working longer hours, and he doesn't want to do it but wants it done.

Can you hire some of this stuff out?  Is it possible to get groceries and meals delivered?

Or maybe he just needs to suck it up and do some shopping/cooking? Why should they hire it out if he's at home with time on his hands? Why do people think men are incapable of doing these things and need help?

But we don't know he has time on his hands? Maybe work is stressful for him?

I would assume as a CPA and software developer and no kids, there's an extra $15/week in the budget to get groceries delivered...Or there's a way to find that money in the budget.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Mar 20, 2016 11:04:33 GMT -5 travelnut11 said:

Mar 20, 2016 11:01:48 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I think you answered your own question.  The shopping and cooking is not getting done as you are working longer hours, and he doesn't want to do it but wants it done.

Can you hire some of this stuff out?  Is it possible to get groceries and meals delivered?

Or maybe he just needs to suck it up and do some shopping/cooking? Why should they hire it out if he's at home with time on his hands? Why do people think men are incapable of doing these things and need help?

Because he isn't doing it on his own.  Some would, I know that if I got tied up in class, TD would (and has) stepped up to the plate and shopped and cooked.  But my BIL would no more step into a grocery store than he would a nail salon.

[milee]

One little clarification - it's fine if you two decide that since you're not doing things that you want to hire people to do them but do not take on being the person responsible for that hiring/managing. Having a cleaning service, groceries delivered, eating out more - as long as you both agree - are legit ways couples manage their time and money.  But if the solution is that you are the one that hires and manages the cleaning service; plans, orders and receives the groceries; orders and deals with the eating out... then that still plays into the concept that these things are your responsibility and no matter what is going on that you are the one that makes them happen.

If you as a couple decide to pay for some outside help, let him be the one to arrange the outside help when you are working OT; you can be the one to arrange the outside help when he is working OT.  

I know this sounds like a tiny distinction without a difference but trust me - it's huge.  Again, it's all about avoiding creating the pattern that these things - cleaning, cooking, managing the house - just "happen" as far as he's concerned and it falls on you to make them happen.  And I know it doesn't sound like a big deal to be the one to manage this stuff, but trust me, it takes more time and energy than you think.  There will be weeks when you spend more time managing this stuff than you would have spent if you did it yourself (not every week obviously or it wouldn't be worth doing, but it does happen and it's a PITA and it happens at the least opportune time.)   

[whoisjohngalt]

Ooohhhh I am sensing another gender bias thread. 

[whoisjohngalt]

Mar 20, 2016 10:04:06 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

You said it yourself: Maybe he was just always used to me being around to do all the stuff like shopping and cooking etc and there is very little of that being done at the moment.

Men don't like to be inconvenienced and your OT is inconveniencing him. He takes the flexibility you have the rest of the year for granted and doesn't see that it comes at the cost of crunch time now.

Wow

[giramomma]

And, it very well could be he's missing you. You know, if we are going to stereotype and gender bias, let's throw in that traditionally, men aren't really encouraged to be emotionally intimate.

I miss my husband now way more than I did when we were first married and he took a trip for 10 days and I was alone.  Even though we're both "here," we're really two ships passing in the night. Literally, we get like 5 minutes to be with each other the past few weeks. We were supposed to have an afternoon alone on Monday, but, due to the impending snow, and our schedule for the rest of the week, that looks like that's off, too.

[Shooby]

I agree with Milee. It isn't all on you to figure out. He's a big boy. This is your busy time. In fact a good time for him to make you dinner.

[whoisjohngalt]

OP didn't say anything about her husband not stepping up or expecting her to do it all regardless of her workload.  All she said was that he is concerned that she is being taken advantage of.

Yes, he is a terrible husband and needs to be burned at the stake.  Or at least taught a lesson!

Just bc she learn to deal with him being gone long hours doesn't mean he wants to do that.  May be he genuinely likes to have her around more.  Oh the horror!

[milee]

Mar 20, 2016 11:38:43 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

OP didn't say anything about her husband not stepping up or expecting her to do it all regardless of her workload.  All she said was that he is concerned that she is being taken advantage of.

Yes, he is a terrible husband and needs to be burned at the stake.  Or at least taught a lesson!

Just bc she learn to deal with him being gone long hours doesn't mean he wants to do that.  May be he genuinely likes to have her around more.  Oh the horror!

Whoa. OP did say something about her husband not stepping up (she said very little of the cooking and cleaning is being done right now - implies she does all that and he isn't doing it now that she's not there to do it.)

Only a few of the replies implied this is an issue of gender, most of the other replies talked about how this is an issue of partnership - how to divide labor, how patterns are created, what perceptions certain actions can create.

Just as it's not appropriate for people to assume this is an issue of a "lazy man", it's a bit premature to call people out like they're calling for the husband to be burned at the stake.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Mar 20, 2016 11:38:43 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

OP didn't say anything about her husband not stepping up or expecting her to do it all regardless of her workload.  All she said was that he is concerned that she is being taken advantage of.

Yes, he is a terrible husband and needs to be burned at the stake.  Or at least taught a lesson!

Just bc she learn to deal with him being gone long hours doesn't mean he wants to do that.  May be he genuinely likes to have her around more.  Oh the horror!

Yeah, she did mention him not taking over the chores she doesn't have the time to do.

The biggest disparity I saw was that when he worked overtime, the OP was expected to deal.  But when she works overtime, he gets angry and the anger adds to her stress.  As she is a CPA, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that there are certain times of the year where she is going to be really busy.

 So why is he really angry?  She needs to talk to him.  

[Tiny]

Mar 20, 2016 11:03:06 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Ask, him in a non-confrontational way, to find a CPA at a big firm who isn't working crazy hours at this time of year?  Explain that this type of seasonal over-time comes with the job.  If you worked those hours year-round, or weren't paid for it via a high salary/bonus/comp time or if you were the only person working those hours, then MAYBE your employer would be taking advantage of you.  So, point out how that is not true in your case.  

As Milee said, don't let him manipulate you -- intentionally or not -- to picking up the slack at home.  Dust bunnies are perfectly happy waiting until May or June to be swept away.  If he doesn't like to do the grocery shopping, he can order out.  Or, he can order online and have it delivered.  Leave him a Peapod or other such service brochure.  

Otherwise, you just have to ignore him.  

This is just a comment in general.... how come it's OK for women to 'suck it up' and do menial stuff they don't like to do (because no one else is doing it)?  I sometimes think that "learn how to cope with doing stuff you don't like to do cause you'll be doing it for the rest of your life" lesson is ONLY taught to women.    I would assume men are just as capable of learning how to cope with having to do menial stuff they don't really like doing but NEED to do... why can't a guy be encouraged to flex those coping skill muscles and GO grocery shopping and/or make a meal?    

[Tiny]

But to the topic of the OP...

Maybe DH thinks the OP isn't being appropriated compensated for the hard work at work that she's doing. I'm pretty sure most guys in the work place are somewhat aware of the fact that sometimes working women get taken advantage of by their employer... Even if they won't fess up to knowing about it - cause they pretty much just kind of 'look the other way' when it happens because it's not their problem (or maybe they just think if the woman didn't like it she'd speak up.... not sure.)

Maybe he's worried that that is what's happening?


My older brothers seem to get angry when I work a lot of OT... even though I'm well compensated (not sure if they realize that).  It's OK when THEY have to work OT though... they are just doing their job.     Not sure if it's just a "guy commisseration' kinda thing?  maybe they get the same way when they talk with their buds and one of them is doing OT?   Kind of a "I'm sorry. that so sucks! Let's have another beer..." thing

[Tiny]

Mar 20, 2016 11:28:52 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Mar 20, 2016 10:04:06 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

You said it yourself: Maybe he was just always used to me being around to do all the stuff like shopping and cooking etc and there is very little of that being done at the moment.

Men don't like to be inconvenienced and your OT is inconveniencing him. He takes the flexibility you have the rest of the year for granted and doesn't see that it comes at the cost of crunch time now.

Wow

You're lucky if you've never experienced that in your marriage or watched that play out in someone else's marriage...    I've witnessed this a few times where a wife gets pressured to conform to whatever her husband finds less inconvenient for him... and I'm talking trivial stuff here - not stuff that effects the families "Big Picture" long term plans...

[whoisjohngalt]

Mar 20, 2016 11:43:14 GMT -5 milee said:

Mar 20, 2016 11:38:43 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

OP didn't say anything about her husband not stepping up or expecting her to do it all regardless of her workload.  All she said was that he is concerned that she is being taken advantage of.

Yes, he is a terrible husband and needs to be burned at the stake.  Or at least taught a lesson!

Just bc she learn to deal with him being gone long hours doesn't mean he wants to do that.  May be he genuinely likes to have her around more.  Oh the horror!

Whoa. OP did say something about her husband not stepping up (she said very little of the cooking and cleaning is being done right now - implies she does all that and he isn't doing it now that she's not there to do it.)

Only a few of the replies implied this is an issue of gender, most of the other replies talked about how this is an issue of partnership - how to divide labor, how patterns are created, what perceptions certain actions can create.

Just as it's not appropriate for people to assume this is an issue of a "lazy man", it's a bit premature to call people out like they're calling for the husband to be burned at the stake.

I guess to me if there is a pattern has been established in a relationship, it would be hard to switch.  I wouldn't think of it as an issue of not stepping up.  

[whoisjohngalt]

Mar 20, 2016 12:20:10 GMT -5 Tiny said:

Mar 20, 2016 11:28:52 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Wow

You're lucky if you've never experienced that in your marriage or watched that play out in someone else's marriage...    I've witnessed this a few times where a wife gets pressured to conform to whatever her husband finds less inconvenient for him... and I'm talking trivial stuff here - not stuff that effects the families "Big Picture" long term plans...

Oh I believe it exists, but the exact same thing can be said about women.  And children.  And dogs. 

I am pretty sure no one likes to be inconvenienced.  So, why single out men??

[milee]

Mar 20, 2016 12:31:56 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Mar 20, 2016 11:43:14 GMT -5 milee said:

Whoa. OP did say something about her husband not stepping up (she said very little of the cooking and cleaning is being done right now - implies she does all that and he isn't doing it now that she's not there to do it.)

Only a few of the replies implied this is an issue of gender, most of the other replies talked about how this is an issue of partnership - how to divide labor, how patterns are created, what perceptions certain actions can create.

Just as it's not appropriate for people to assume this is an issue of a "lazy man", it's a bit premature to call people out like they're calling for the husband to be burned at the stake.

I guess to me if there is a pattern has been established in a relationship, it would be hard to switch.  I wouldn't think of it as an issue of not stepping up.  

Definitely. Once a pattern has been set it can be very hard to change. But OP is young and they're still setting their pattern and figuring out how things are going to work and that's exactly why I'm posting the advice I'm posting - so she doesn't accidentally get into a pattern that she will not like later.

[NoNamePerson]

Because man's job is important (bangs on chest)

Women "play at working" when employed.

Never forget the time I said I was tired from work. Working during tax season for CPA and my EX said "why are you tired, all you do all day is push a pencil"

He was glad looks couldn't kill and funny thing is he was an estimator so he basically pushed a pencil too.

But my work was unimportant and I "played at working" His was important (bangs on chest.)

Good luck on sorting this out with you husband    

[Deleted]

I never understand these type of threads. What the OP's husband thinks is an important part of how the problem needs to be solved.  No one knows anything about him except through OP.  All you will get is people projecting their history onto OP.

[Shooby]

Mar 20, 2016 11:38:43 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

OP didn't say anything about her husband not stepping up or expecting her to do it all regardless of her workload.  All she said was that he is concerned that she is being taken advantage of.

Yes, he is a terrible husband and needs to be burned at the stake.  Or at least taught a lesson!

Just bc she learn to deal with him being gone long hours doesn't mean he wants to do that.  May be he genuinely likes to have her around more.  Oh the horror!

  Well, i already said that FIRST if you will go back and look.  That he probably misses her and suggested that maybe they take a nice vacay or long weekend or something after tax season.  But, i think that i see spouses who marry knowing what their spouses job is going into it and then complain. Over the years i have seen plenty of women complaining about men who are truck drivers, surgeons, traveling salesmen or whatever.  Their JOB is their job and it is the very thing that keeps your family financially secure.  So,  if you know going into it that you marrying a nurse who is going to be working nights, weekends, holidays or a CPA who is going to be working crazy hours during tax season, then you have to adapt.
  However part of that is both spouses showing that they have each other's back and work out ways that make it work for both of them.