quince
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Post by quince on Mar 20, 2016 13:16:30 GMT -5
I used to complain about how much my husband works, since when we decided on having children he was adamant about not working more than 40 hours a week regularly. We've worked it out, but how I felt was certainly based on my expectation as set by him and not by me being grumpy that he has commitments other than our family, or that I'm inconvenienced by it. I do get grumpy when he has a last minute meeting at 930 PM to fucking 11 +, though. You're married, so you should be able to point out to him that he seems to be showing a double standard, and talk about how it isn't helpful for you to listen to him rant. Maybe when you're NOT working 70 hours a week if you can last, so that the time you do have together now isn't made unpleasant. It shouldn't be a case of telling him off, but you should be able to discuss openly and honestly.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Mar 20, 2016 13:17:33 GMT -5
I guess to me if there is a pattern has been established in a relationship, it would be hard to switch. I wouldn't think of it as an issue of not stepping up. Definitely. Once a pattern has been set it can be very hard to change. But OP is young and they're still setting their pattern and figuring out how things are going to work and that's exactly why I'm posting the advice I'm posting - so she doesn't accidentally get into a pattern that she will not like later. I know I am guilty of this. Last year my husband was sick. He was on disability for 6 months kind of sick. Ever since we had kids he has made every single weekend breakfast. Obviously I knew he was sick. And yet, when one Sat he was still in bed at 9am and kids weren't fed - I was like "hey!! Aren't you making breakfast??" I guess subconsciously I kept thinking - what's the big deal, he can throw some pancakes on the skillet or some cereal in the bowl, right? It's "his" job. Patterns!!! Very hard to change them. And yes, I liked both of your posts - very solid and reasonable advise
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violagirl
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Post by violagirl on Mar 20, 2016 14:12:31 GMT -5
I just wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this and get a different perspective.
I will find a nice way to tell him I appreciate his concern but to tone it down a bit. I have found it necessary to treat men's emotions sensitively. They put on a good show but underneath, I would hazard to say, particularly in my case, they might be more emotional than women.
Contributing to the issue is the age old problem of - I complain about the hours because I just need to vent and he thinks he needs to solve the issue however impractical his solutions may be. If I really was that bothered, I would find another line of work. Which I threaten to do occasionally.
As for housework we solved most of the arguments about cleaning by hiring a cleaning person a few years ago. That solved a lot of issues for us. I enjoy cooking and have a lot more experience doing it, so naturally it generally falls to me to do. I did prepare for busy season by spending a couple of Saturdays in January making freezable meals which have been a life saver although if I never see another frozen lasagna it might be too soon.
He is trying to cook more lately and I encourage him to do it even if the grilled cheese is black and the rice is way over-salted. I eat it and compliment the chef. He still is not terribly practical about getting groceries like coming home with chips and salsa but not thinking we do need to have fresh vegetables too, but I think as he becomes more used to doing it he will get more confidence. I do not offer unsolicited advice.
Some things he has said in passing makes me think it is partly that he misses my attention. Which is kind of a double standard because all those years of spending every evening alone - did he not think I missed him? Our first 2 years of being married I would have dinner on the table at 5:30 and be ready and waiting and he'd show up at 7 or 8 or 9. Then I stopped trying to have everything warm and on the table and to leaving him a plate. Then I progressed to only making supper when I felt like it. It definitely was a very different family dynamic than I was used to. At first I would put off going out or making plans because if he didn't come with me I didn't want to have fun without him while he was working, but I discovered if I never learned to do things on my own, I would always be sitting there waiting for him.
And it may have created a dynamic whereby whenever he decided to come home my world kind of revolved around him in a way. But then I went back to school and now work in public accounting and am doing a masters degree so I have my own things to deal with. I will try harder to give him attention though now that things are (hopefully) slowing down a bit. I'm not sure if it is an introverted thing, but I am aware I can go for a week just immersed in my own thoughts and I have to consciously remind myself to tune into him.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Mar 20, 2016 15:13:44 GMT -5
Agree again with your assessment: Contributing to the issue is the age old problem of - I complain about the hours because I just need to vent and he thinks he needs to solve the issue however impractical his solutions may be. If I really was that bothered, I would find another line of work. Which I threaten to do occasionally.
Me venting about work does not go so well in my household either. It's normally followed by a lecture about how I need to stick up for myself and get paid more. I don't get a very understanding ear and end up more upset by the conversation. So, I try not to complain about work at home anymore, even if it was the most miserable day ever. Good luck making it through tax season!
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 20, 2016 15:16:47 GMT -5
I'm also wondering more, if it's simply that your husband doesn't like that things are changing.
I hate change. I mean, I really am paralyzed by it and fear it most of the time. Part of it is childhood tapes, and part if it is that I'm wired to be risk adverse.
My inability to embrace change has led to it looking like I had a double standard with DH.
Anyway, my poor relationship with change has nothing to do with missing my husband, nor does it have anything to do with whether or not chores are done..so there's perhaps another option.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Mar 20, 2016 15:22:59 GMT -5
I'll project my relationship on you now. Two years ago, my husband tried to subtly mention that I was clearly working way too much. He said it was affecting our household. He asked me to go to a manager/secretary training with my secretaries to learn about a time management philosophy / practice so we could not work seventy hour weeks. I acquiesced. It helped. He was less concerned about the cleanliness and meal factor as he was about my health. Have you asked him what he would like the solution to the tax season's affects on your household to be?
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Mar 20, 2016 15:25:23 GMT -5
Another thought might be to offer to schedule time together every few days so you don't go a week without actual relationship time
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Mar 21, 2016 12:43:18 GMT -5
It's often the case that the argument presented isn't really the problem. I suspect that might be the case here. Since I'm sure your husband is no fool, he's well aware this is a busy time for those in your profession and knows the overtime is a necessary part of your job. There's something else bugging him. The trick will be to find out what that "something else" is. It might be that the things he's used to having done aren't getting done unless he does them himself, or it might be something totally different. Communication is the key but you're going to have to sit down and talk this out calmly. That's a lot easier for some couples than it is for others.
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kjto1
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Post by kjto1 on Mar 21, 2016 13:10:49 GMT -5
Since my she does most of the cooking, he gets worried when I work a lot of overtime that I work too hard. It has nothing to do with housework or cooking. Maybe your dh is just concerned about your health and well being?
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techguy
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Post by techguy on Mar 21, 2016 14:22:04 GMT -5
I just wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this and get a different perspective. I will find a nice way to tell him I appreciate his concern but to tone it down a bit. I have found it necessary to treat men's emotions sensitively. They put on a good show but underneath, I would hazard to say, particularly in my case, they might be more emotional than women. Are you still partaking with your wifey duties in the bedroom A lack of that due to a lot of OT causes men to go bonkers!
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milee
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Post by milee on Mar 21, 2016 14:29:24 GMT -5
I just wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this and get a different perspective. I will find a nice way to tell him I appreciate his concern but to tone it down a bit. I have found it necessary to treat men's emotions sensitively. They put on a good show but underneath, I would hazard to say, particularly in my case, they might be more emotional than women. Are you still partaking with your wifey duties in the bedroom A lack of that due to a lot of OT causes men to go bonkers! Only speaking for myself, but when I come home from working a 70 hour week, have to cook dinner then clean the house all while listening to my husband yell about how my work is taking advantage of me, it makes me feel.... how shall I put this? "Less than sexy" is the nicest possible way to describe my feelings.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 21, 2016 14:58:20 GMT -5
I just wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this and get a different perspective. I will find a nice way to tell him I appreciate his concern but to tone it down a bit. I have found it necessary to treat men's emotions sensitively. They put on a good show but underneath, I would hazard to say, particularly in my case, they might be more emotional than women. Are you still partaking with your wifey duties in the bedroom A lack of that due to a lot of OT causes men to go bonkers! If I got home from working a long day, found dinner on the table and most of the dishes done up, it would really REALLY improve the likelihood of getting lucky in the bedroom (or elsewhere). However, if I walked into a trashed house, dishes overflowing and a spouse saying "what's for dinner?" when they had been home 4 hours before me and could have just as easily done it themselves, I probably wouldn't do anything other than grab a bottle of wine and head to the bathroom for a bath.....alone. It's your choice.
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 21, 2016 15:07:25 GMT -5
Is he properly taking care of his husbandly duties outside of the bedroom or is he just bitching about things not being done and not acting like a grown adult?
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Mar 21, 2016 15:48:47 GMT -5
Years ago, after DS was born, I noticed that DH was grumpy. I thought maybe he wasn't 'bonding' with the new baby, or unhappy with the chaos in the household that a new baby can bring.
After a while (and after I asked a few times) he said he was ashamed to admit that he was jealous of the new baby because I spent all my time with him and the only thing I wanted to talk about was the baby. He said he felt like the third wheel.
I had no idea he felt like that. Of course, a lot of it was the thrill of having a new baby, and that combination of excitement and nervous horror that you might be doing something wrong, and always wanting to discuss the baby with DH (or anyone else who would listen). I tried to do a better job of paying attention to DH, and after six months or so the new started wearing off the baby plus Dh (who is an excellent dad) started doing more of the child care, which not only gave me a break but also helped him see what a really fabulous child DS was....
So this may be all it is - he may be missing your company and your attention. It's nice that he still wants to be around you though. Maybe you can get him involved in planning a nice trip for the week after tax season, something romantic where he gets your total undivided attention.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 21, 2016 16:11:41 GMT -5
DS is living with a CPA and yes, this is her busy season. They do have one day on the weekend together usually and they spend it grocery shopping and prepping meals for the week ahead. She's gone most of the week. He takes care of her dog, his cat, the laundry except for what she has threatened him with bodily harm if he touches! Plus, keeps the place tidy. Changes the sheets and towels too so when she comes home it's to clean sheets which smell nice and not just the dog and cat smell because they sleep with DS while she's gone. It's not like he shares in the bounty of her income since they're not common potters but he does it because it's the fair thing to do. He has more time than she does during this time. You can bet he has a meal ready for her when she comes back from out of town. I wouldn't expect anything less from him. Neither should she.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2016 17:57:24 GMT -5
My fiancé doesn't like it when I work a lot of OT.
I always think it's because his mother never worked and his ex-live-in didn't work. Supper was always on the table, house was always clean, and as far as his ex, she was able to "put out" whenever he wanted.
Now he has an independent woman and has to decide whether or not he likes that.
I prefer to keep my independence.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Mar 22, 2016 16:25:52 GMT -5
If he thinks you're being taken advantage of, a lot of people will put up with things being done to them that they'd never tolerate done to a loved one.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Mar 22, 2016 22:52:08 GMT -5
Viola girl, I am in Sunny Florida on vacation, so hopefully you and your hubby have worked this out. My DH told me the same thing recently, but I am not a CPA so I work lots of hours this time of year, but I don't make huge amounts of $$. I wasn't angry at my DH though, I in fact almost walked out a few weeks ago when someone made lots of demands. DH said I could work almost anywhere and make more $$ given the hours I was working.
DH and I both work pretty long days, and the issue we have is one of us has to pick up our dogs from his parents at a reasonable hour every night. Many nights the last 2 months it was 7 or 8 pm. We call each other and cover the basics, who will pick up the dogs, does one of us need to run to the grocery store or pick up some food.
I would agree that my DH doesn't like being inconvenienced, but he doesn't mind going to the grocery or cooking dinner. He also is always willing to fold laundry, or pull it from the dryer and put it on hangers. I usually have to put it away b/c he says he doesn't know which towels go where or which kid the clothes belong to. This is not a hill I am willing to die on and I suspect he just doesn't want to invade DD's privacy too much, so I just distribute it to the right places.
I am learning to ask my husband questions like why do you say that? What are you concerned about etc. When DH explains what he is thinking, I find that I often agree with him, or can alleviate his concerns.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Mar 23, 2016 1:25:02 GMT -5
My ISO met me April 24, 1986 and I told him we could only date until tax season then he would me. A woman working massive amounts of overtime is hard for some men to take. That December I joined a gym and started working out every night to drive him away, but he joined too. Tax season came and he did fine alone, actually liked personal time. But he complained about my job, I was a staff accountant and he said if I did CPA work I should get CPA pay. He was always more angry at my bosses than I was and would threaten to go take care of it for me, I learned not to complain about work. He didn't complain about me not cooking since he can live on PB&J. Now he lives alone and both retired and I am teaching him cooking. Today I came home after telling him to make a salad. I left him a bowl with peeled carrots, cucumber, half mushrooms, purple cabbage, lettuce, jicama, pickled eggs and some cheese.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Mar 28, 2016 18:02:47 GMT -5
I'm betting he doesn't like the fact that you come home too exhausted for sexy times. As tax season has begun, has your intimate time together virtually disappeared? If that is the case, there is your problem.
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