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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2016 0:00:28 GMT -5
What sage advice did your parents (or others) give you when you started dating?
What sage advice did you pass on to your children?
What advice do you wish you might have had?
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Jan 13, 2016 0:18:07 GMT -5
Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 13, 2016 0:18:07 GMT -5
I did not receive any advice from my parents. My mother insisted I marry XH. My father begged me not to. My mother's reason was "who else is going to marry you?" My father's reason was "This is not what you want. You will not be happy."
In light of that, I have tried so hard to to impress upon my elder daughter (who turned 18 last Sunday) that she must know what she believes and what her boundaries are to be able to successfully date some one. (Success doesn't mean marriage; I would say more along the lines of productive.)
Beliefs range from political, religious, social, financial, physical activities (not Thai Food), education, work ethic, and sexual philosophies.
We've been much more successful in helping her know her beliefs than her boundaries.
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Jan 13, 2016 0:55:01 GMT -5
What sage advice did your parents (or others) give you when you started dating? What sage advice did you pass on to your children? What advice do you wish you might have had? 1. My parents never gave me sage advice. 2. My cats are not allowed to date. (No children) 3. Don't go out with idiots, cheaters, criminals, addicts or musicians.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 13, 2016 7:37:53 GMT -5
Check out the family, carefully. Especially the parents. If they're dysfunctional, they can bring that crap to your relationship. Can't help themselves. Plus, are these people you want to be around or expose your children to?
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milee
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Post by milee on Jan 13, 2016 8:27:09 GMT -5
Check out the family, carefully. Especially the parents. If they're dysfunctional, they can bring that crap to your relationship. Can't help themselves. Plus, are these people you want to be around or expose your children to? Given the stories you've told about your own mother that seems a bit ironic.
Yes, in an ideal world we'd all come from "good" families, but in the real world some of us just don't. Some kids will repeat the sins of the parents and some won't. While I'd hope my own kids didn't get dragged into another families' drama, I would hope that I'd also be willing to give people a chance to prove that they aren't their parents.
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zibazinski
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Jan 13, 2016 8:40:14 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 13, 2016 8:40:14 GMT -5
I did and my kids and I paid for it. Yes, my mom was a piece of work but I had a good dad. Most of my family is good. My kids will have the same problem. One bad parent and one good one. DD has already said a couple of guys she liked were turned off by her dad and his issues. I told her to not bring them around him. Ever.
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zibazinski
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Jan 13, 2016 8:44:33 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 13, 2016 8:44:33 GMT -5
But this is my advice. Both my kids have huge issues due to my ex. Neither of them even recognize it. I think some girls broke up with DS not only because he's not going to ever amount to much but because of his family. Smart girls frankly. DD has issues too. I'd like them to be happy but I worry they won't be. My ex was and still is a very unhappy man and all the drugs, alcohol, and whores won't fix that.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 13, 2016 9:05:29 GMT -5
What sage advice did your parents ( or others) give you when you started dating? What sage advice did you pass on to your children? What advice do you wish you might have had? 1. Don't get pregnant . 2. Don't believe the little words "It's OK, I'm on birth control pills" 3. Can't think of anything since dating just seemed like the natural order of things back in the olden days. Must be much more complicated these days. Liked a guy went out with him, didn't like him didn't go out with him.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2016 9:19:46 GMT -5
3. Don't go out with idiots, cheaters, criminals, addicts or musicians. Hmmmm.....I may have stumbled onto my problem. My Mom gave me NO advice. Nada. Nothing. Not a word. I don't recall a single conversation regarding the opposite sex. Heck, my sex education from my Mother was her handing me the pamphlet from the Tampax box.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jan 13, 2016 10:16:41 GMT -5
3. Don't go out with idiots, cheaters, criminals, addicts or musicians. Hmmmm.....I may have stumbled onto my problem. My Mom gave me NO advice. Nada. Nothing. Not a word. I don't recall a single conversation regarding the opposite sex. Heck, my sex education from my Mother was her handing me the pamphlet from the Tampax box. My mom didn't either. She gave me a book about sex designed for kids when I was about 12. That was extent of any communication I had from her or my dad about dating or relationships. My step-mom told my step-sisters that dating was fun and to not take it too seriously. She also told them that sex was a wonderful part of a relationship and that as long as they loved the person that there was nothing wrong with taking that step if they felt ready. My step-mom also told my step-sisters that they deserved respect and that in turn they should respect the person they were with. I think that was all good advice. But, in general, I think seeing what a healthy relationship looks like is more important than anything that a parent tells a child. The biggest influence on me has been my BFF and her husband. They have been together for more than 20 years, and married for the last 18 years. Seeing their ups and downs, how they dealt with their families, and how they coped with the times when they didn't really want to be married to each other has been far more valuable than any sort of advice that I could have been given.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jan 13, 2016 10:19:17 GMT -5
My mom was born in 1929 and she grew up in a different time period, when women were only successful if they snagged a good husband.
Therefore all the advice she gave me on dating was utter crap, but I knew it was crap, and ignored it.
Some of her advice was: - Don't study so hard. Men are intimidated by smart women. - Men love to be flattered. You need to learn how to flatter more, and flirt. - Only date men from good families, which means 1) they have money and 2) no divorces, 3) are white and our religion, and 4) their parents belong to a country club, and he has a trust fund. - Only date a man who is studying to be a lawyer, doctor or engineer. (She amended this later when her favorite daughter married someone with an MBA to include MBAs). - Don't worry about finishing college. You are only going to college to meet the right kind of husband. You'll never have to support yourself if you marry the right man. (She dropped out of college with one semester left to go). - Spend at least two hours per day on your appearance. Never wear jeans. Never leave the house without fixing your hair and make up. Never look sloppy or sexy - you need to wear A line skirts, ballet flats, sweater sets and pearls and wear your hair in a page boy. (When I was a teen, jeans and straight long hair were in fashion - except not to mom). - No Italians, Jews, Hispanics, no children of recent immigrants from any European or soviet union nation. Only WASPs.
I ignored everything she said and have been happily married over 30 years. When DS started dating, the only thing I advocated was to avoid high drama, high maintenance women, to make sure he found someone who shared his quirky sense of humor, and someone who was on the same page as far as financial goals, lifestyle and kids. He married a lovely young woman a year ago who so far, at least, seems to be a perfect match for him.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jan 13, 2016 10:21:48 GMT -5
I didn't get any advice. I am a horrible dater. Hopefully my kids just figure it out.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jan 13, 2016 10:28:55 GMT -5
Like others, I got no dating advice from my parents. My father was from an old-world immigrant family, and if it had been up to him I wouldn't have dated AT ALL . There's an old cliche in Italian culture that says there are only two ways a proper young lady leaves her family home: one is in a wedding dress, and the other is in a coffin . And like others, my "sex education" came entirely from a pamphlet we got from Girl Scouts about "the change." A therapist gave me the best advice about dating and men. She told me that I would know when I found the right guy when he was everything I needed, but probably almost nothing I thought I wanted. (and after spending most of my college and post-college years chasing/dating musicians, jocks, surfers and bad boys - of course, she was right )
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Jan 13, 2016 10:51:03 GMT -5
I tell my boys to look for a woman like their mom.
Somehow, I hit the marriage lottery.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2016 10:59:27 GMT -5
This is the thing. We say how important picking a mate is to future success and financial success... But how do we get there? I was just lucky. Plus, do I want to go right to 'picking a mate' talks with a 17 yr old or younger? But then I don't know any advice for casual dating either. I pretty much sucked at it all
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Jan 13, 2016 11:02:53 GMT -5
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Miss Tequila
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Jan 13, 2016 11:06:11 GMT -5
Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 13, 2016 11:06:11 GMT -5
I did and my kids and I paid for it. Yes, my mom was a piece of work but I had a good dad. Most of my family is good. My kids will have the same problem. One bad parent and one good one. DD has already said a couple of guys she liked were turned off by her dad and his issues. I told her to not bring them around him. Ever. Aww, don't be so hard on yourself...I'm sure you aren't that bad
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Miss Tequila
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Jan 13, 2016 11:06:58 GMT -5
Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 13, 2016 11:06:58 GMT -5
I tell my boys to look for a woman like their mom.
Somehow, I hit the marriage lottery. That's sweet! I tell mine to pick one that is the opposite of their father
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 13, 2016 11:08:56 GMT -5
Check out the family, carefully. Especially the parents. If they're dysfunctional, they can bring that crap to your relationship. Can't help themselves. Plus, are these people you want to be around or expose your children to? I have to disagree with this. My mom was a fuckup but I am nothing like her. So it would be very unfair to judge me because of my mom. Then again, I wouldn't want to date someone that would judge me based on my mom so I guess it's a win/win
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Dating
Jan 13, 2016 11:28:21 GMT -5
Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Jan 13, 2016 11:28:21 GMT -5
1) My mom's dating advice (if you can even call it that) was just a couple of really awkward conversations. The first one revolved around a woman who had been in the news recently who contracted HIV the very first time she had sex. The second one was her telling me that she would not help me if I got pregnant. This was after a friend of the family who was a couple years older than me got pregnant. I think she was just terrified that I was going to screw up my life, but I wouldn't go this route if I had kids. My dad didn't get too involved in my dating life, but he would have been the parent I would have gone to back then if I really needed help. I didn't actually date until I was in grad school. I had one boyfriend in high school and one boyfriend in college. Both were the result of us being friends until we just decided to be a couple.
2) I don't have kids, which is probably a good thing because I am not sure what I would tell them.
3) I wish I had been more familiar with that pickup artist junk when I started dating. It didn't work on me, but I was starting to wonder why so many guys seemed to think casually insulting me was flirting.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jan 13, 2016 11:37:49 GMT -5
This is the thing. We say how important picking a mate is to future success and financial success... But how do we get there? I was just lucky. Plus, do I want to go right to 'picking a mate' talks with a 17 yr old or younger? But then I don't know any advice for casual dating either. I pretty much sucked at it all My parents didn't give me a lot of advice on dating..mostly just sex. They did tell me not to marry only love, because you can't use love to pay bills. I don't know...it's more than just picking a "good" mate though. You can pick a stellar mate, but if you have crappy soft skills (communication, negotiation, problem solving skills etc) and/or avoid non-sexual intimacy..well, who you pick really may not matter. DS is an old soul. We started having "picking a mate" talks when he was 5. Actually, it started with a discussion of Jesus, moved on to adoption, and then why I chose to marry DH. All led by him. (Last night, DS announced in the car that he doesn't know me as well as he knows DH...that's a realization I didn't understand about my own parents until I was in my 20s). Even my 8 yo was asking me about former boyfriends (infront of MIL, no less) this past weekend. I chose to find someone that was a saver, the same religion as me, and had the same parenting ideals. That was enough to prevent a lot of major disagreement. I think we balance each other nicely, and we've managed to meet in the middle. We give each other room to grow and change. And we still want to come back to each other at the end of the day. But, honestly, the only reason why we haven't divorced is because we worked hard on ourselves and on the skills needed to negotiate life with someone else. Really, had I married someone else, I'd still would have been a crappy marriage partner and would have had to learn the same shit. Same thing with DH. By most standards, we were "good" people when we got married. But that doesn't mean we were good marriage partners. Infact, it was quite the opposite.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jan 13, 2016 11:44:18 GMT -5
Mom gave me lots of advice (or maybe the same advice lots of times) 1.Always be able to take care of yourself, bad choices are made when your options are limited. This applied to financially, emotionally, everything. If you're not equal in a relationship you won't be happy. 2.You are going to kiss a lot of frogs while looking for your prince. Have fun, but remember they're frogs. 3.Grandma's advice on dating... "Don't ever let a man push you around, keep your standards high, and never compromise who you are for a man" 4. Grandma's advice on marriage... "Every marriage has disagreements the important thing is not the disagreement, but how you make up" --- No kids myself and the cats aren't dating; but I've given the same advice to the God Daughter- MrSroo's advice to his God Daughter "Assume all boys/men are dogs until they prove themselves different" --- Advice I wish I had.... I can't really think of anything else Sroo, I really like the advice your family gave you! I'm going to review it with my DD even though she is already in college. I am known to tell DD and her friends "A Man is not a Plan" - it is something I picked up here. DD told her HS Business Advisor that I had texted her that one day, and her teacher said I really like your Mom. LOL.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jan 13, 2016 12:01:08 GMT -5
Check out the family, carefully. Especially the parents. If they're dysfunctional, they can bring that crap to your relationship. Can't help themselves. Plus, are these people you want to be around or expose your children to? I have to disagree with this. My mom was a fuckup but I am nothing like her. So it would be very unfair to judge me because of my mom. Then again, I wouldn't want to date someone that would judge me based on my mom so I guess it's a win/win Me too. My biological mother is a nightmare. I will never introduce my mother to someone I'm just dating. However, I think seeing the family and determining if the person you are dating has established the appropriate boundaries. I wouldn't hold parents against a child if the child has established boundaries. If they have some sort of co-dependent relationship then I probably wouldn't want to date that person anyway.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jan 13, 2016 12:07:30 GMT -5
I have to disagree with this. My mom was a fuckup but I am nothing like her. So it would be very unfair to judge me because of my mom. Then again, I wouldn't want to date someone that would judge me based on my mom so I guess it's a win/win Me too. My biological mother is a nightmare. I will never introduce my mother to someone I'm just dating. However, I think seeing the family and determining if the person you are dating has established the appropriate boundaries. I wouldn't hold parents against a child if the child has established boundaries. If they have some sort of co-dependent relationship then I probably wouldn't want to date that person anyway. Pretty much this.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jan 13, 2016 12:10:27 GMT -5
I got no advice and didn't date in hs as the only guy who asked I was not interested in and I didn't have the balls to ask guys.
Off the top of my head my advice to a high schooler would be...
You're in high school, odds are any relationship you have won't last. Not that it's not real, it's just most likely temporary. So relax and have fun and don't think if it as this BIG THING. But remember since odds are it won't last don't go making any stupid permanent decisions like getting someone pregnant.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Jan 13, 2016 12:21:25 GMT -5
I don't recall a lot of advice, but one thing I will tell the kids is that if the majority of your friends and family don't like whoever you're dating, it would be worth taking some serious time to figure out why. It's most likely valid.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jan 13, 2016 12:26:12 GMT -5
You're in high school, odds are any relationship you have won't last. Not that it's not real, it's just most likely temporary. So relax and have fun and don't think if it as this BIG THING. But remember since odds are it won't last don't go making any stupid permanent decisions like getting someone pregnant.I used to think that teenage pregnancy was a big huge thing that would ruin a persons life. Growing up, I was taught that there was only one thing worse than being a teen mom...and that was accepting help from others. It's funny now. I don't think like anymore. I've already told my oldest that there IS no more money in our household for supporting babies. If he gets a girl pregnant, he needs to understand that his life will be school, work, and parenting. Sure, we'll help as we can, but not to the detriment of his youngest sister. We're also pretty upfront that there are worse decisions he can make. Drinking (or being high from drugs) and driving is at the top of the list. He already knows that is ass is mine and his life will be god awful if he ever drives when he's not sober and in our household. A baby can be dealt with. Killing another person cannot. I've also been upfront with him about having sex with girls younger than him and being in possession of naked selfies from girls at his high school. EVEN if the girl willingly texts DS a picture of herself, he could end up being convicted of possession of child porn. All it takes is a girl's parent with an ax to grind to press charges against DS for sex with a minor. These things will land DS on the sex offenders list. His life will be ruined. Not just from an employment standpoint, but also where will he live? Most people don't want registered sex offenders living next to them..
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jan 13, 2016 12:26:27 GMT -5
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jan 13, 2016 12:29:38 GMT -5
I am Irish-Catholic, was the first-born daughter, and attended parochial schools. The only dating/relationship advice I got was to save myself for marriage -- whatever "myself" meant. I intentionally did better and more thoroughly for my own kids. So far, my kids have only dated briefly and so the discussions have been mostly theoretical. We've talked about finding someone who respects and supports their dreams and goals and who has dreams and goals of her own. And, how relationships are a merger of each partner's dreams and goals with their shared dreams and goals. I've also suggested that they avoid partners who are high-maintenance or addicted to drama -- life is too short to be the knight in shining armour to someone who deep down inside really doesn't want to be rescued. I have also pointed out that, in the long range search, that just because I stayed home with them when they were young, doesn't mean that is the only approach to raising a family and that they and their future spouses should make the decision that works for them as a family, and as individuals. As for sex, as the parent of two teenage boys, I am shocked and saddened by the recent rape cases involving young men and young women under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I have told my sons faithfully that, if a woman has been drinking and drugging, "Yes" really, honestly, and ALWAYS means "NO!!!". I added that I didn't care if she said yes while naked and wrapped around him, or if she was enthusiastically unzipping his pants. They are NEVER to have casual sex with someone under the influence. I'm not trying to layer in sexism, but boys' frontal lobes take much longer to mature than girls', so teenage boy decision-making is questionable until their mid-twenties. I wanted to draw an unmistakable boundary for my kids when it comes to casual sex while under the influence because the consequences can be life-altering for both parties. Finally, with respect to unintended pregnancy in young adults, we have two young women in the close extended family who had children as teenagers. Seeing these women admirably and successfully raising their children on their own (the guys split), and giving up their young adulthoods to do so, has been a sad but very real lesson. I told my sons that if they ever walked away from a child they fathered that I would hunt them down -- if they're ready to have sex, they're ready to be a parent. Of course, I've said all of this to them with varying styles of delivery. Some of it is heavy stuff and requires direct, factual, communication. Some of it came up naturally and in relaxed conversation. There were even times that I used humor to teach important life lessons. I started young (with age-appropriate topics, of course), and just built upon it as they got older and/or when the opportunity presented itself.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jan 13, 2016 12:33:03 GMT -5
You're in high school, odds are any relationship you have won't last. Not that it's not real, it's just most likely temporary. So relax and have fun and don't think if it as this BIG THING. But remember since odds are it won't last don't go making any stupid permanent decisions like getting someone pregnant.I used to think that teenage pregnancy was a big huge thing that would ruin a persons life. Growing up, I was taught that there was only one thing worse than being a teen mom...and that was accepting help from others. It's funny now. I don't think like anymore. I've already told my oldest that there IS no more money in our household for supporting babies. If he gets a girl pregnant, he needs to understand that his life will be school, work, and parenting. Sure, we'll help as we can, but not to the detriment of his youngest sister. We're also pretty upfront that there are worse decisions he can make. Drinking (or being high from drugs) and driving is at the top of the list. He already knows that is ass is mine and his life will be god awful if he ever drives when he's not sober and in our household. A baby can be dealt with. Killing another person cannot. I've also been upfront with him about having sex with girls younger than him and being in possession of naked selfies from girls at his high school. EVEN if the girl willingly texts DS a picture of herself, he could end up being convicted of possession of child porn. All it takes is a girl's parent with an ax to grind to press charges against DS for sex with a minor.
These things will land DS on the sex offenders list. His life will be ruined. Not just from an employment standpoint, but also where will he live? Most people don't want registered sex offenders living next to them.. Yup, with the leaps in technology since my kids were born, this was a whole new topic to try and navigate and advise on.
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