mroped
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Post by mroped on Jan 13, 2016 12:54:43 GMT -5
Are you sure that our son needs dating advice? I don't believe he does. I just believe he will do what's right and make a smart choice. After all he's my son, he can do no wrong!
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jan 13, 2016 13:05:17 GMT -5
One more thought:
I am at the tail-end of the Baby Boomer generation.
So, I've been alive long enough to have seen the attitude toward sex between unmarried couples go from "only sluts do it" to "as long as it's between two (or more)consenting adults".
Sex IS a natural drive and desire. We ARE sexual beings. It sure does feel good.
But, that said, I sometimes think our relaxed views about sex creates unnecessary problems and complications -- sexting; stupid, naive, teenagers on sex offender registries; misogyny; etc. MAYBE we would benefit by pushing the pendulum back a bit to the point where casual sex isn't as glorified as it seems to now be.
Just thinking out loud -- not trying to start a sea-change -- I just know from parenting and advising my sons that it has been challenging to impress upon them that just because society "approves" of some activities doesn't mean those activities are necessarily harmless. (Smoking, pot, etc. fall under this category as well.)
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quince
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Jan 13, 2016 13:20:51 GMT -5
Post by quince on Jan 13, 2016 13:20:51 GMT -5
Hmm. Mine was pretty much Don't do anything you don't want to do, be smart when making choices, take care of yourself, you can talk to me about anything, you're responsible for your own actions, but we'll help if you get in trouble, and let's go get some BC just in case. I dated awkwardly in highschool, terrible relationship from college -->29, and am fantastically happy with my partner now.(Who has a crazy family, but that isn't important- what is important is how he deals with them.) Did not have sex until college. Super cautious about pregnancy/STDs, less cautious about my emotional health. Glad I have a decade before I have to worry about that stuff with my son.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jan 13, 2016 13:55:27 GMT -5
Of course, I've said all of this to them with varying styles of delivery. Some of it is heavy stuff and requires direct, factual, communication. Some of it came up naturally and in relaxed conversation. There were even times that I used humor to teach important life lessons. I started young (with age-appropriate topics, of course), and just built upon it as they got older and/or when the opportunity presented itself. I've come to love carting DS around. We get 20-25 minutes of conversation time in the car to talk about things that either aren't his sisters' business or appropriate topics for them. Of course, it means that he tells me that one of his friends didn't know what a "boner" was, which I really don't need to know...but, I'm hoping this means he's OK with talking to us as he navigates the teen years.
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techguy
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Post by techguy on Jan 13, 2016 14:05:57 GMT -5
Some of these posts sound like finding a marriage partner advice. Dating should be FUN, and it doesn't always lead to marriage.
Dating Advice (from a male's perspective):
1) Have a plan. Whether it's going to an activity, dinner, movie, you need to plan it out. Nothing's worse than the question of "what to do next?" coming up during the date.
2) Have a plan, but keep it short in the beginning. Don't waste time on a full day activity. This is the phase of getting to know each other and becoming comfortable with each other. No more than 2-3 hrs!
3) Always keep clean. Clean your apt, clean your car, clean your fingertips, clean breath, clean manscaping, clean, clean, clean!
4) Have things to talk about. Gotta keep the conversation flowing. This is not the time to test the comfortable silence theory. Don't have much to say ?? Then ask her questions, browse the headline news and see what's interesting in the world.
5) Be respectful to everyone. To her, to strangers, to waitresses, everyone. She will judge how you are by the actions you take.
6) Always pay in the beginning. Women say they want to be treated equally, but come on, women would lose respect for you if they have to pay in the beginning.
7) Dating is a numbers game. The more women you ask out, the higher the chance of going out on a date. Don't be afraid, if you don't ask, the answer is always NO.
8) Date equal or better. If you have no kids, don't date a woman with kids. If you have a good family, don't date a woman with a dysfunctional family. While dating is fun, it may lead to marriage, and you don't want to marry someone that's far below you.
9) Date who you are attracted to. If you like fatties, date fatties. If you like dark hair, date dark hair. Otherwise, you will regret not dating the ones you are attracted to.
10) Hold off on sex / sexual advances for a while. Yes, it may seem counter intuitive, but most women don't want to think that this is the only thing on your mind (even though it's up there). If needed, indulge with yourself before the date so the urge will be minimized. Once you get admittance from her, you can go buck wild.
11) Finally, have fun. If it doesn't work out, oh well, at least you had fun.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 13, 2016 14:16:55 GMT -5
Of course, I've said all of this to them with varying styles of delivery. Some of it is heavy stuff and requires direct, factual, communication. Some of it came up naturally and in relaxed conversation. There were even times that I used humor to teach important life lessons. I started young (with age-appropriate topics, of course), and just built upon it as they got older and/or when the opportunity presented itself. I've come to love carting DS around. We get 20-25 minutes of conversation time in the car to talk about things that either aren't his sisters' business or appropriate topics for them. Of course, it means that he tells me that one of his friends didn't know what a "boner" was, which I really don't need to know...but, I'm hoping this means he's OK with talking to us as he navigates the teen years. If he quiets down make sure your longer drives are at night time. The dark makes it easier for them to talk.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Jan 13, 2016 15:32:40 GMT -5
Some of these posts sound like finding a marriage partner advice. Dating should be FUN, and it doesn't always lead to marriage. Dating Advice (from a male's perspective): 1) Have a plan. Whether it's going to an activity, dinner, movie, you need to plan it out. Nothing's worse than the question of "what to do next?" coming up during the date. 2) Have a plan, but keep it short in the beginning. Don't waste time on a full day activity. This is the phase of getting to know each other and becoming comfortable with each other. No more than 2-3 hrs! 3) Always keep clean. Clean your apt, clean your car, clean your fingertips, clean breath, clean manscaping, clean, clean, clean! 4) Have things to talk about. Gotta keep the conversation flowing. This is not the time to test the comfortable silence theory. Don't have much to say ?? Then ask her questions, browse the headline news and see what's interesting in the world. 5) Be respectful to everyone. To her, to strangers, to waitresses, everyone. She will judge how you are by the actions you take. 6) Always pay in the beginning. Women say they want to be treated equally, but come on, women would lose respect for you if they have to pay in the beginning. 7) Dating is a numbers game. The more women you ask out, the higher the chance of going out on a date. Don't be afraid, if you don't ask, the answer is always NO. 8) Date equal or better. If you have no kids, don't date a woman with kids. If you have a good family, don't date a woman with a dysfunctional family. While dating is fun, it may lead to marriage, and you don't want to marry someone that's far below you.9) Date who you are attracted to. If you like fatties, date fatties. If you like dark hair, date dark hair. Otherwise, you will regret not dating the ones you are attracted to. 10) Hold off on sex / sexual advances for a while. Yes, it may seem counter intuitive, but most women don't want to think that this is the only thing on your mind (even though it's up there). If needed, indulge with yourself before the date so the urge will be minimized. Once you get admittance from her, you can go buck wild. 11) Finally, have fun. If it doesn't work out, oh well, at least you had fun. I like this list, but for number 8, I would be careful of how that is phrased. I think the emphasis on dating should not only be fun, but seeing it as a way of getting to know another person. So I would be hesitant to dismiss someone simply because they have kids and I don't, or they don't have as good a job as me, etc. I think many times people struggle when dating because they have an over inflated image of themselves and/or they aren't willing to compromise. People aren't perfect, and dating is about getting to know the person. So I would probably add, don't be afraid to end a relationship if you start seeing red flags. Better to get your heart bruised early on than crushed later on.
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techguy
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Jan 13, 2016 16:00:50 GMT -5
Post by techguy on Jan 13, 2016 16:00:50 GMT -5
8) Date equal or better. If you have no kids, don't date a woman with kids. If you have a good family, don't date a woman with a dysfunctional family. While dating is fun, it may lead to marriage, and you don't want to marry someone that's far below you. I like this list, but for number 8, I would be careful of how that is phrased. I think the emphasis on dating should not only be fun, but seeing it as a way of getting to know another person. So I would be hesitant to dismiss someone simply because they have kids and I do, or they don't have as good a job as me, etc. I think many times people struggle when dating because they have an over inflated image of themselves and/or they aren't willing to compromise. People aren't perfect, and dating is about getting to know the person. So I would probably add, don't be afraid to end a relationship if you start seeing red flags. Better to get your heart bruised early on than crushed later on. While you are a nice woman and a good mom, it's tough for a single guy without kids to date a woman with kids since: 1) He will not be #1 on her list. The kids will always come first. Kids sick? Sorry have to cancel our date. Kids have bedtimes? Sorry, can't spend the night. 2) Dealing with external factors such as the father of the kids, the kids themselves (when to introduce?, how much bonding?) Now a single guy who has kids should absolutely date a woman with kids. They will understand each other's dynamic better.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jan 13, 2016 16:03:40 GMT -5
Parents are supposed to provide dating advice? Good thing my kids didn't get that memo!!!
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jan 13, 2016 16:19:05 GMT -5
I've come to love carting DS around. We get 20-25 minutes of conversation time in the car to talk about things that either aren't his sisters' business or appropriate topics for them. Of course, it means that he tells me that one of his friends didn't know what a "boner" was, which I really don't need to know...but, I'm hoping this means he's OK with talking to us as he navigates the teen years. If he quiets down make sure your longer drives are at night time. The dark makes it easier for them to talk. This is one of the big reasons I regularly take my DD to get her nails done. She talks to me more about what's going on in her life in the car and while we are waiting that when we are just at home together. At home there is too much to distract her.
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Anne_in_VA
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Jan 13, 2016 17:16:01 GMT -5
Post by Anne_in_VA on Jan 13, 2016 17:16:01 GMT -5
I got absolutely no dating advice and almost no sex advice other than "now you can get pregnant ". At 12 I had no idea what that meant and my mom never really said anything else.
wish I'd had some advice like you guys got. It would have saved me a lot of grief.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 13, 2016 20:03:58 GMT -5
If he quiets down make sure your longer drives are at night time. The dark makes it easier for them to talk. This is one of the big reasons I regularly take my DD to get her nails done. She talks to me more about what's going on in her life in the car and while we are waiting that when we are just at home together. At home there is too much to distract her. I was the mother who hauled my son's friends around too. After a while they would basically forget that I was driving and would chatter away about stuff. I had to bite my tongue or chew the inside of my mouth raw to keep from saying anything or laughing out loud. They would have stopped talking at that point. Amazing what you can learn from car rides....
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 13, 2016 20:24:41 GMT -5
No kidding. I found out from my son that a lot of the girls in his class were doing oral sex because that didn't "count" as sex. Yes, I bit my tongue as well. I knew these girls and their moms. I wanted to tell them but kept my mouth shut. No way would I have gained anything by it and more importantly I would have lost my son's confidence.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2016 23:17:33 GMT -5
What sage advice did your parents (or others) give you when you started dating? What sage advice did you pass on to your children? What advice do you wish you might have had? My Mom didn't give me a lot of advice about dating. The gems I remember are "don't let any pissy-tail boy talk you into anything you're not ready for. Whatever you do, do it because you want to, not because he wants you to." And "don't let nobody just jump up and down on you, you need to be getting something out of it too". My Mom is very conservative, I still can barely believe she said that. It was a given that anyone I dated had to treat me well. Fast forward to now and that's still the first thing she wants to know about any man I mention to her. One of the things I learned from her that I valued when my own children started dating was to tread carefully when your child is dating someone you really dislike. I dated a guy for a while that my Mom couldn't stand. I knew she wasn't thrilled about him, but I didn't know she really, really didn't like him and thought he was not good for me until after we broke up. She said that she didn't make a huge deal about it while we were dating because she was afraid that would push me even closer to him, but if we'd ever seriously started planning a future together, she and I would've had to talk. I thought about it and realised she was right, if she'd made a big issue out of me dating him I probably would have dug in my heels and made my Mom the bad guy and him the good guy,instead of realising that he really was an ass and breaking up with him like I did. Remembering that made me mindful of how I dealt with my own kids bringing home someone I didn't like.
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mroped
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Post by mroped on Jan 15, 2016 7:22:52 GMT -5
"If some girl comes at my door telling me what I don't wanna hear, I won't admit that you are my son!" That was to sum it up, the dating advise from my father. Was based on the fact that my two older brothers got married at 19 because their future wives were pregnant.
Mom on the other hand: be careful what you do! There are illnesses out there that can put you down quickly and you get them "while in love"! And then she would chuckle.
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Phoenix84
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Jan 15, 2016 13:18:51 GMT -5
via mobile
bean29 likes this
Post by Phoenix84 on Jan 15, 2016 13:18:51 GMT -5
What sage advice did your parents (or others) give you when you started dating? What sage advice did you pass on to your children? What advice do you wish you might have had? I never really got any advice from my parents, other than don't get a girl knocked up. Things I wish I'd understood earlier: If you get rejected, it's not always about you, in fact, chances are its not about you. Focus on having fun, and enjoying the experience. But since my dating life has been a miserable failure, feel free to take any advice I give on the subject with a grain of salt.
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MJ2.0
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Jan 15, 2016 14:46:19 GMT -5
Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 15, 2016 14:46:19 GMT -5
I like this list, but for number 8, I would be careful of how that is phrased. I think the emphasis on dating should not only be fun, but seeing it as a way of getting to know another person. So I would be hesitant to dismiss someone simply because they have kids and I do, or they don't have as good a job as me, etc. I think many times people struggle when dating because they have an over inflated image of themselves and/or they aren't willing to compromise. People aren't perfect, and dating is about getting to know the person. So I would probably add, don't be afraid to end a relationship if you start seeing red flags. Better to get your heart bruised early on than crushed later on. While you are a nice woman and a good mom, it's tough for a single guy without kids to date a woman with kids since: 1) He will not be #1 on her list. The kids will always come first. Kids sick? Sorry have to cancel our date. Kids have bedtimes? Sorry, can't spend the night. these are things any mature man would understand and accept if he was really into a single mother.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Jan 15, 2016 14:56:36 GMT -5
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 15, 2016 14:56:36 GMT -5
I got "Unless you want to end up pregnant be on birth control, never leave it to the man." Similar advice was given to my brother. Then my mom always told me "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle". Took awhile for that to click. My dad would order me to wear a bra if he felt my top was too revealing. Other than that I don't really remember any dating advice outside of don't get pregnant and here's what to do if it does happen. Don't have much life experience to draw on either since I only dated three men in my life, the third one I am currently married to. I have no idea what advice I would give a son.
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Deleted
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Dating
Jan 15, 2016 14:58:49 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2016 14:58:49 GMT -5
I have a daughter too
I am getting some good stuff from this thread. Thanks to all, and keep it coming if you have more
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honeysalt
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Post by honeysalt on Jan 15, 2016 18:42:20 GMT -5
My parents advised me to wait until I got married to have sex. Thank heavens I ignored them.
My advice would be:
1. You don't have a fully adult brain until you are 24, and you don't want to pick a life partner without one.
2. 2 forms of birth control/protection at all times until you are in a long term committed relationship. 2 forms because both parties should be responsible for their own health and avoiding unwanted pregnancy. Condoms for the guy with spermicide for me was what I used in high school (I am infertile, but fortunately I didn't know that at the time).
3. If you aren't ready to have a candid talk about protection with a person, you aren't ready to have sex with a person.
4. Date around and have a ball.
5. Don't tolerate sex shaming. Don't participate in it.
6. Decide how you want to handle the number of partners question before it comes up. Do you want to tell? Do you want to give a range? Do you want to ask?
7. I would tell any girl to get the HPV vaccine.
8. You are not responsible for other people's romantic fantasies. If someone falls for you and you just aren't into them, that is on them. It is their fantasy and you are not responsible for it. You are responsible for your own behavior, so be honest.
9. If you are starting to fall for someone, tell them as soon as you are sure. You don't want to base your behavior on fantasy. It is better to know right away and nurse a little wound than get deeply invested and nurse a big wound.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jan 15, 2016 18:48:42 GMT -5
Don't date someone just to be nice.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jan 15, 2016 20:50:36 GMT -5
My parents advised me to wait until I got married to have sex. Thank heavens I ignored them. My advice would be: 1. You don't have a fully adult brain until you are 24, and you don't want to pick a life partner without one. 2. 2 forms of birth control/protection at all times until you are in a long term committed relationship. 2 forms because both parties should be responsible for their own health and avoiding unwanted pregnancy. Condoms for the guy with spermicide for me was what I used in high school (I am infertile, but fortunately I didn't know that at the time). 3. If you aren't ready to have a candid talk about protection with a person, you aren't ready to have sex with a person. 4. Date around and have a ball. 5. Don't tolerate sex shaming. Don't participate in it. 6. Decide how you want to handle the number of partners question before it comes up. Do you want to tell? Do you want to give a range? Do you want to ask? 7. I would tell any girl to get the HPV vaccine. 8. You are not responsible for other people's romantic fantasies. If someone falls for you and you just aren't into them, that is on them. It is their fantasy and you are not responsible for it. You are responsible for your own behavior, so be honest. 9. If you are starting to fall for someone, tell them as soon as you are sure. You don't want to base your behavior on fantasy. It is better to know right away and nurse a little wound than get deeply invested and nurse a big wound. I never heard this directly from him but my grandpa told his sons not to get married until they were 25. My uncle was 25 at least, my dad wasn't. Uncle is still married and my dad has been divorced twice. I think it's good advice. If you go to college you are finishing at 22-23 unless you go to grad school. Finish school, get a job, settle into your career, then get married. I'm not the same person I was at 18, 22 as I am now. I found my spine and I don't deal with bs. I dodged a major bullet with my college boyfriend. I do think my dad would have spoke up if I had tried to marry that guy.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 15, 2016 21:23:58 GMT -5
This is very true. Even as I matured what I looked for changed. I see it with my own kids. Who DS is dating is so very opposite from what he's dated before that it's shocking. I like her, just like him she's quiet and introverted. I'll never be truly comfortable around her but if she is what my son feels is "the one"'so be it. DD is going to be fun to watch. I told my kids that when they get married I want to feel they won the spouse lottery not the other way around.
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Dating
Jan 16, 2016 18:08:45 GMT -5
Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Jan 16, 2016 18:08:45 GMT -5
I got "Unless you want to end up pregnant be on birth control, never leave it to the man." Similar advice was given to my brother. Then my mom always told me "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle". Took awhile for that to click. My dad would order me to wear a bra if he felt my top was too revealing. Other than that I don't really remember any dating advice outside of don't get pregnant and here's what to do if it does happen. Don't have much life experience to draw on either since I only dated three men in my life, the third one I am currently married to. I have no idea what advice I would give a son. My divorced, feminist aunt told me this too. It was a nice counterbalance to my other aunt who lived nearby. She was more of a follower of the "your value as a woman lies in your beauty and purity" school of thought.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Jan 16, 2016 18:16:04 GMT -5
My parents advised me to wait until I got married to have sex. Thank heavens I ignored them. My advice would be: 1. You don't have a fully adult brain until you are 24, and you don't want to pick a life partner without one. 2. 2 forms of birth control/protection at all times until you are in a long term committed relationship. 2 forms because both parties should be responsible for their own health and avoiding unwanted pregnancy. Condoms for the guy with spermicide for me was what I used in high school (I am infertile, but fortunately I didn't know that at the time). 3. If you aren't ready to have a candid talk about protection with a person, you aren't ready to have sex with a person. 4. Date around and have a ball. 5. Don't tolerate sex shaming. Don't participate in it. 6. Decide how you want to handle the number of partners question before it comes up. Do you want to tell? Do you want to give a range? Do you want to ask? 7. I would tell any girl to get the HPV vaccine. 8. You are not responsible for other people's romantic fantasies. If someone falls for you and you just aren't into them, that is on them. It is their fantasy and you are not responsible for it. You are responsible for your own behavior, so be honest. 9. If you are starting to fall for someone, tell them as soon as you are sure. You don't want to base your behavior on fantasy. It is better to know right away and nurse a little wound than get deeply invested and nurse a big wound. I wish the dating pool had been filled with guys raised by you when I was dating.
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