Possible divorce- what do I need to know.

[sarcasticgirl]

Not for me... 
but my FIL just left my MIL for another woman. My MIL, SIL and DH are emotional and a wreck right now. As the type A in the family- I am wondering what do I need to know to help out here. 

They live in Illinois... I have no idea if it is a no fault state or community property state.

MIL was a stay at home mom and only worked after the kids were out of the house. She retired a couple of years ago from a physical job that paid less than 30k. She has a retirement, but not much. She has her health insurance through him. 

Apparently he told her he wanted to stay married so she could keep the health insurance etc. However, MIL didn't know about the other woman. DH confirmed it last night and told MIL today- now is angry and ready to lawyer up. 

Advice?

[haapai]

You should probably stay out of it but feel free to vent here. 

How old is your MIL?  How close is your FIL to retirement? 

[mroped]

As bad as it is that he had someone else, he still seems to be rational or at least half decent.
If there was no violence or weird stuff(aside from cheating) involved in their separation than the divorce should be easy as long as nobody goes crazy chasing the other side.
Being retired means that they are in their 60 therefore responsible adults.
Id stay out of their way! If asked for something then yes help out but I wouldn't come up with any initiative just because FIL or MIL pissed anybody off.

You cannot possibly know what would happen if one of you jumps in and takes sides. You or your children might lose contact/ connection to the one you are going up against and is not worth.
Again, let them be! Stay out of their way!

[TheHaitian]

Dec 3, 2015 12:39:35 GMT -5 haapai said:

You should probably stay out of it but feel free to vent here

This 1 Million Times!!!!

[billisonboard]

There is the legal side but also:

I was in my early twenties and attempting to have a life when this happened with my parents.  My older sister was the apple of Dad's eye and was devastated that this pillar in her would do such a thing.  My younger brother was always Mom's little baby so he used it as an opportunity to cut the apron strings and totally took Dad's side (he actually knew of the other woman for months prior).  So I, the middle child, would continually get these break into my calls from the operator informing me I had an emergency call and asking if I would end the call I was on.  Sure, not like I was talking to someone important (or at least very hot).  I got tired of the calls and went in search of every community resource I could find to help a "late 40's stay at home her whole adult life woman who was being abandoned by her husband."  There were plenty that I hooked her up with.  I let my Mom think that I did it for her.  Years later, we did laugh about why I had actually done it.  

One suggestion on the financial side:  I worked to make sure that there was an insurance policy that Dad paid for with Mom as the beneficiary so that, if he died, this woman that he had allowed to become incapable of supporting herself wouldn't become a burden on us "kids".

[sarcasticgirl]

Dec 3, 2015 12:39:35 GMT -5 haapai said:

You should probably stay out of it but feel free to vent here. 

How old is your MIL?  How close is your FIL to retirement? 

My MIL is asking for basic facts and options, so my DH asked me to help. So "staying out of it" isn't going to happen. I have no VENT - this isn't my fight. I'm crushed for my husband, because he is hurting. 

MIL is 61, FIL is 60. He doesn't plan to retire anytime soon, he has a pretty coushy job. 
He handles all the financials and took the book that has the information regarding accounts etc. She's freaking out because he handles all the money and she doesn't know what to do. 

[NancysSummerSip]

There are nine community property states: Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin. Alaska is an opt-in community property state that gives both parties the option to make their property community property.

So no, Illinois is not one of them.

She will be able to claim some of his Social Security as a divorced spouse, depending on the circumstances:
www.ssa.gov/planners/retire/divspouse.html

And yes, she needs to lawyer up. However, in Illinois, a judge will not consider marital misconduct when figuring the settlement. That's per the legislative code, though this is taken from a commercial site:

Effect on Property

The Illinois legislative code states unequivocally that courts must divide property in a divorce "without regard to marital misconduct." A judge can't punish your spouse for having an extramarital affair by giving you a greater share of marital property. However, an exception exists if your spouse squandered marital money or assets on his paramour. For example, if you once had $100,000 but your spouse spent $50,000 of that pursuing an affair, it wouldn't be fair for you to come out of the marriage with only a share of $50,000. An Illinois judge could conceivably award you the entire $50,000 because your spouse already wasted or dissipated the balance, and you might have received $50,000 – or half of $100,000 – if he hadn’t done that.

Effect on Alimony

The law against considering marital misconduct also pertains to alimony, called spousal maintenance in Illinois. A judge can't punish your spouse for straying by ordering him to pay you alimony. This doesn't mean you won't receive it – it just means you won't receive it because your spouse committed adultery. Illinois bases alimony on issues such as the length of your marriage, your need for assistance, the lifestyle you enjoyed while you were married, and the earnings potential of both you and your spouse. If you meet these and other criteria, you might receive maintenance, but your spouse's affair won't have anything to do with it.

info.legalzoom.com/divorce-based-adultery-illinois-24297.html

[sarcasticgirl]

I am not trying to get in anyone's way. I am not trying to give unsolicited advice. MIL is clueless as to what to do and how to proceed She's freaking out because FIL controls everything. She is asking questions,  DH is asking me- he isn't in the frame of mind to answer any questions or research. 

I make zero decisions regarding our relationship with his family. I leave those calls up to DH. 

DH and his sister have already taken their sides. It has nothing to do with me or my opinion. I encouraged DH to not jump to conclusions or think the worst until he heard the facts. I'm the only level headed and the least emotional one in this. 


No worries- I shall try and figure out the legal facts myself. I was hoping someone could point me in the "here's the information you need to find out about your state" direction- but I guess not. 

[Pants]

Her life will be better, financially, if they stay married and share their assets. She needs to understand: 
1) how much they have in assets and what this means for income
2) what their debts are
3) restrictions on pensions, etc. 
4) what her Social security situation will be if she stays married vs. divorcing
5) cost of insurance for married vs. divorcing
6) what she can afford on her own

[ArchietheDragon]

make sure your MIL gets a good lawyer. 

[sarcasticgirl]

Dec 3, 2015 12:56:00 GMT -5 Pants said:

Her life will be better, financially, if they stay married and share their assets. She needs to understand: 
1) how much they have in assets and what this means for income
2) what their debts are
3) restrictions on pensions, etc. 
4) what her Social security situation will be if she stays married vs. divorcing
5) cost of insurance for married vs. divorcing
6) what she can afford on her own

Thanks Pants This is very helpful. 

[swamp]

She needs a lawyer. Bring the tax returns.

[sarcasticgirl]

I happen to work for one of the biggest law firms in the country. unfortunately, MIL cannot afford anyone here. My favorite attorney in my old department is out of the office today of all days! 

[NancysSummerSip]

Dec 3, 2015 12:55:16 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

I am not trying to get in anyone's way. I am not trying to give unsolicited advice. MIL is clueless as to what to do and how to proceed She's freaking out because FIL controls everything. She is asking questions,  DH is asking me- he isn't in the frame of mind to answer any questions or research. 

I make zero decisions regarding our relationship with his family. I leave those calls up to DH. 

DH and his sister have already taken their sides. It has nothing to do with me or my opinion. I encouraged DH to not jump to conclusions or think the worst until he heard the facts. I'm the only level headed and the least emotional one in this. 


No worries- I shall try and figure out the legal facts myself. I was hoping someone could point me in the "here's the information you need to find out about your state" direction- but I guess not. 

Some of what I posted, though of a  commercial nature, should help.

There is more out there, though. This is Legal Aid's site. Not that your MIL is without funds, or qualifies to use them, but it's an unbiased site:

www.illinoislegalaid.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.dsp_content&contentID=1768#

[billisonboard]

Dec 3, 2015 12:55:16 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

...


No worries- I shall try and figure out the legal facts myself. ...

I do really recommend finding community resources for this. She isn't "hearing" well right now and even if you say the right thing it doesn't mean she will hear it correctly. There are professionals trained to deal with this. Your tax dollars are likely paying them (or they are non-profit so are getting a tax free ride) so take advantage of it.

[haapai]

FWIW, one of my coworkers recently left her husband, a retired auto worker, without divorcing him.  She'd been plotting to move out of state for years and when he caught wind of it, he threatened her with divorce and the loss of excellent health insurance benefits.  She pointed out that if they divorced, she'd go after a portion of his pension.  The last that I heard, they were still married. 

Staying legally married despite being permanently separated is a pretty common story here in the Midwest.  It works out pretty well when both parties are self-supporting and no third parties are involved. 

But that doesn't sound like what your in-laws are going through.  Your MIL sounds older than my coworker and less self-sufficient and she should probably prepare herself for divorce.  

[sarcasticgirl]

Dec 3, 2015 13:00:57 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Dec 3, 2015 12:55:16 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

I am not trying to get in anyone's way. I am not trying to give unsolicited advice. MIL is clueless as to what to do and how to proceed She's freaking out because FIL controls everything. She is asking questions,  DH is asking me- he isn't in the frame of mind to answer any questions or research. 

I make zero decisions regarding our relationship with his family. I leave those calls up to DH. 

DH and his sister have already taken their sides. It has nothing to do with me or my opinion. I encouraged DH to not jump to conclusions or think the worst until he heard the facts. I'm the only level headed and the least emotional one in this. 


No worries- I shall try and figure out the legal facts myself. I was hoping someone could point me in the "here's the information you need to find out about your state" direction- but I guess not. 

Some of what I posted, though of a  commercial nature, should help.

There is more out there, though. This is Legal Aid's site. Not that your MIL is without funds, or qualifies to use them, but it's an unbiased site:

www.illinoislegalaid.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.dsp_content&contentID=1768#

Your post was helpful... and I actually just found that site just now. Thanks. Hopefully she can be armed with basic information before proceeding. 

[NancysSummerSip]

If her name is on the bank accounts along with his, she should still be able to get bank statements and other account info; since your FIL took the book, she may have to contact the bank directly (or go online, if they bank online). I'm hoping their accounts are joint; otherwise, he can clean them out without her knowing it.

If they co-own the home (both names on the deed or mortgage) she needs that info.

If they have any other credit cards in common, she needs that info (so FIL or his paramour do not take them and run up charges, then leave her with the bills).

If they have any loans in common, she needs that info.

[sarcasticgirl]

Dec 3, 2015 13:02:07 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Dec 3, 2015 12:55:16 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

...


No worries- I shall try and figure out the legal facts myself. ...

I do really recommend finding community resources for this. She isn't "hearing" well right now and even if you say the right thing it doesn't mean she will hear it correctly. There are professionals trained to deal with this. Your tax dollars are likely paying them (or they are non-profit so are getting a tax free ride) so take advantage of it.

I understand. I don't think she'll really HEAR anything right now. It happened YESTERDAY. I am just passing the basic legal information on to DH. He is trying to help her sort out her next steps. 

Personally, i think that should be getting on a plane to go visit her sisters for a while. But not my call... i certainly wouldn't say that to her. 

[mollyanna58]

It occurred to me that maybe FIL wants to stay married so that he can tell his GF that he can't marry her.

[NancysSummerSip]

And FWIW, I understand it's hard not to be involved, even when it isn't blood family. A dear friend of mine divorced his wife after he found out she'd been cheating on him for over a year. My friend is the nicest guy you could possibly meet.
XW got her comeuppance, though - the BF dumped her when he found out she left my friend for good. Apparently, the affair was just no fun when she was suddenly single. As for my friend, he has often said, "My ex got the material stuff in the divorce, but I kept all the friends."

I have a sneaking suspicion that your FIL will face the same thing at some point, especially if the GF is considerably younger. She may see him as the proverbial Sugar Daddy (you mentioned he has a cushy job), available when and if she wants him for something, but not so often that it becomes a nuisance. When he's suddenly single, she may find he's not that nice to have around anymore.

Your biggest role in this will likely be as the family sounding board. And since you know the law and are involved in the business, you may get hit on for a lot of advice yourself. You will be stressed from all sides, so feel free to step out of the line of fire when you need to.

Apparently he told her he wanted to stay married so she could keep the health insurance etc

And if a man I was married to was having an affair and said this to me, he would not be worrying about a divorce. I'd find a nice deep hole in the Everglades for him.

[cktc]

I'd recommend seeing a lawyer and filing a legal separation ASAP while he is still feeling guilty/generous. She can take her time with the divorce, but this will stop the purge of marital funds to the other woman, and reduce the risk of him squirreling money away or deciding whatever they worked out on their own doesn't work so well for him after all. 

[zibazinski]

Id ride it out if I were her but get all her financial ducks in a row. If he cleaned out the accounts, he's in deep doo doo, eventually. Has he left the marital home? If he hasn't cleaned out the accounts, she needs to get there and take half and put it in another account. Illinois is a better state for men to get divorced in than Michigan but it's still going to suck for her, especially with insurance. She can plan on a good $800 plus for an okay policy with a huge deductible. A month. If she can hang onto him even with "another woman" until she can get her shit together, she will be better off. I know when trauma happens, you don't think clearly. I'm living proof. But even a month later, she will do better. Think clearer.

[sarcasticgirl]

Dec 3, 2015 13:18:43 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

And FWIW, I understand it's hard not to be involved, even when it isn't blood family. A dear friend of mine divorced his wife after he found out she'd been cheating on him for over a year. My friend is the nicest guy you could possibly meet.
XW got her comeuppance, though - the BF dumped her when he found out she left my friend for good. Apparently, the affair was just no fun when she was suddenly single. As for my friend, he has often said, "My ex got the material stuff in the divorce, but I kept all the friends."

I have a sneaking suspicion that your FIL will face the same thing at some point, especially if the GF is considerably younger. She may see him as the proverbial Sugar Daddy (you mentioned he has a cushy job), available when and if she wants him for something, but not so often that it becomes a nuisance. When he's suddenly single, she may find he's not that nice to have around anymore.

Your biggest role in this will likely be as the family sounding board. And since you know the law and are involved in the business, you may get hit on for a lot of advice yourself. You will be stressed from all sides, so feel free to step out of the line of fire when you need to.

Apparently he told her he wanted to stay married so she could keep the health insurance etc

And if a man I was married to was having an affair and said this to me, he would not be worrying about a divorce. I'd find a nice deep hole in the Everglades for him.

she didn't know for sure about the affair when he said that. My DH broke the news to her today... which took her from sadness to fury. 


If it were me... He would have gotten a junk punch big enough to take him out of commission with the mistress for a while.  Yet, since I am removed from the situation, I can calmly ask my husband not to lay his father out in the drive way if he comes by (since that is what he said he wanted to do) 

and wouldn't you know... the new woman is like 8 years older than DH.  YIKES. and the daughter of a family friend. It is so cliche it is laughable. 

I certainly would prefer not to be in this position. but here i am ... fielding questions and trying to do research. But I will do what I am asked... unless it gets to be too much. 

[billisonboard]

The worst part in my folk's situation was Dad was indecisive about leaving, not uncommon for him.  It actually worked out well in the end.  He left and Mom became a really cool adult. 

[myrrh]

I am sorry that your family is hurting over this. It's hard to know at this point how things will shake out. But whether your in-laws stay married or not I think it's a good idea for her to get at least one credit card in her name if she doesn't have one already. And possibly her own checking/savings account.

[NancysSummerSip]

Dec 3, 2015 13:32:08 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

Dec 3, 2015 13:18:43 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

And FWIW, I understand it's hard not to be involved, even when it isn't blood family. A dear friend of mine divorced his wife after he found out she'd been cheating on him for over a year. My friend is the nicest guy you could possibly meet.
XW got her comeuppance, though - the BF dumped her when he found out she left my friend for good. Apparently, the affair was just no fun when she was suddenly single. As for my friend, he has often said, "My ex got the material stuff in the divorce, but I kept all the friends."

I have a sneaking suspicion that your FIL will face the same thing at some point, especially if the GF is considerably younger. She may see him as the proverbial Sugar Daddy (you mentioned he has a cushy job), available when and if she wants him for something, but not so often that it becomes a nuisance. When he's suddenly single, she may find he's not that nice to have around anymore.

Your biggest role in this will likely be as the family sounding board. And since you know the law and are involved in the business, you may get hit on for a lot of advice yourself. You will be stressed from all sides, so feel free to step out of the line of fire when you need to.


And if a man I was married to was having an affair and said this to me, he would not be worrying about a divorce. I'd find a nice deep hole in the Everglades for him.

she didn't know for sure about the affair when he said that. My DH broke the news to her today... which took her from sadness to fury. 


If it were me... He would have gotten a junk punch big enough to take him out of commission with the mistress for a while.  Yet, since I am removed from the situation, I can calmly ask my husband not to lay his father out in the drive way if he comes by (since that is what he said he wanted to do) 

and wouldn't you know... the new woman is like 8 years older than DH.  YIKES. and the daughter of a family friend. It is so cliche it is laughable. 

I certainly would prefer not to be in this position. but here i am ... fielding questions and trying to do research. But I will do what I am asked... unless it gets to be too much. 

Never heard the expression "junk punch," but I like it. And I would certainly do the same. And as I figured, the GF is indeed considerably younger than your FIL. I'll start the betting pool here, and predict it lasts less than a year. Right now, he's in love and lust with the idea of a younger, newer version of the rest of his life. But who is to say that the GF doesn't have another BF on the side herself? Or wait until the day GF wants kids, while your FIL has already been there, done that and raised his.

I hate to hear that in addition to everything else, it's the daughter of a family friend. Now her parents are in the unenviable position of being your in-law's friends, yet still being her parents. They will have to choose sides, whether they want to or not.

I think it's OK to do what you are doing - providing information and education when needed and asked for. You're not going to be completely unbiased in this case; there's no way you can be. You can be calm and steady (well, at least on the outside). When you married your husband, you became partners in life for better or for worse. He's in triple shock - his parents are splitting, his mother will be in a single state (which she may not be capable of dealing with financially or emotionally) and his father will probably just expect that everyone accept the new GF as part of the family, because that's how it's going to be. Basically, this is a telenovela that just trainwrecked into an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

I'm curious about something....why is your FIL wanting/planning to come to your house? Under the circumstances, is it a good idea for your DH to see him? If you think it's fine, I'd have a third party there so they don't decide to knock each other senseless, thus adding elements of UFC cage fighting to the mix.

[HoneyBBQ]

He can take the books, but he's going to have to declare every cent of his income and every asset they jointly own at the divorce proceedings.

She'll most likely be entitled to half.

If he lies about the money, he could end up in contempt of court and in the pokey.

[sarcasticgirl]

Dec 3, 2015 15:56:26 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

Dec 3, 2015 13:32:08 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

she didn't know for sure about the affair when he said that. My DH broke the news to her today... which took her from sadness to fury. 


If it were me... He would have gotten a junk punch big enough to take him out of commission with the mistress for a while.  Yet, since I am removed from the situation, I can calmly ask my husband not to lay his father out in the drive way if he comes by (since that is what he said he wanted to do) 

and wouldn't you know... the new woman is like 8 years older than DH.  YIKES. and the daughter of a family friend. It is so cliche it is laughable. 

I certainly would prefer not to be in this position. but here i am ... fielding questions and trying to do research. But I will do what I am asked... unless it gets to be too much. 

Never heard the expression "junk punch," but I like it. And I would certainly do the same. And as I figured, the GF is indeed considerably younger than your FIL. I'll start the betting pool here, and predict it lasts less than a year. Right now, he's in love and lust with the idea of a younger, newer version of the rest of his life. But who is to say that the GF doesn't have another BF on the side herself? Or wait until the day GF wants kids, while your FIL has already been there, done that and raised his.

I hate to hear that in addition to everything else, it's the daughter of a family friend. Now her parents are in the unenviable position of being your in-law's friends, yet still being her parents. They will have to choose sides, whether they want to or not.

I think it's OK to do what you are doing - providing information and education when needed and asked for. You're not going to be completely unbiased in this case; there's no way you can be. You can be calm and steady (well, at least on the outside). When you married your husband, you became partners in life for better or for worse. He's in triple shock - his parents are splitting, his mother will be in a single state (which she may not be capable of dealing with financially or emotionally) and his father will probably just expect that everyone accept the new GF as part of the family, because that's how it's going to be. Basically, this is a telenovela that just trainwrecked into an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

I'm curious about something....why is your FIL wanting/planning to come to your house? Under the circumstances, is it a good idea for your DH to see him? If you think it's fine, I'd have a third party there so they don't decide to knock each other senseless, thus adding elements of UFC cage fighting to the mix.

HAHAHA sorry- the  telenovela that just trainwrecked into an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.- totally cracked me up!


Oh- I don't think I was clear. DH drove down yesterday to be with his mother for a few days (she is in their home). They live 100 miles away from us.  he is there and so the chance of the FIL going to the house to pick something up or even trying to talk to DH or SIL (DH isn't taking his calls) and DH in his anger with his father may try and go all WWF on his cheating father. DH loves his father and is totally blindsided. He's lost all respect etc. and maybe that will change over time... but at this moment, he can't be trusted to be in the presence of his dad. 

it is a big pile of drama... and at an awful time of year. 

[NancysSummerSip]

it is a big pile of drama... and at an awful time of year.

I thought of that, too. The timing, I mean. It's almost like sticking an additional knife into an already-open wound. "I'm leaving you, I found someone younger and prettier, we've been seeing each other for awhile, but I still need to stick around for the insurance...oh, and Merry freaking Christmas. Sorry, it looks like I won't be coming by for the annual opening of gifts this year. Might be just as well, since my stocking might have fallen off the mantle, due to the weight of the coal stuffed inside."

Your FIL certainly has a set of cohones on him. The size of them clearly makes up for his tiny brain and even smaller conscience.

In the long run, I think your MIL would be better off without any of him and with half his money. Regardless of a person's age or stage in life, no one deserves to live with a cheater. No one deserves to have humiliation thrown in their face after so many years together.

Oh sure...I know a few posters would say they should work it out, or she should wait him out, because his little fling will end. That a marriage of XX years should count for something. I'll say this one time. Bullshit to all that. But that's just me. If the person you promised (and who promised you) to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, till death do you part, decides they'd rather do the dirty and spend their money with some other honey, then fine. But in doing so, you don't get to shame and embarrass the person who's worn that ring, birthed your kids and hauled your dirty laundry for decades into staying with you in some sort of convenience/business relationship. Your MIL is a person, not a business deal. And whatever she decides to do, I hope she spends the rest of her life happy.