Ava
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Post by Ava on Nov 28, 2015 13:17:12 GMT -5
Lisa; you did the right thing. And I understand your sleepless night as a person who has problems saying NO and setting up limits. But I've come to realize that if you don't, there are certain people who would walk all over you and take advantage. So, no matter how uncomfortable it feels, you have to stand up for yourself. I'm in the same journey, and believe me, it gets easier as you do it more often.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2015 13:29:05 GMT -5
Quick question: are the in-laws of Eastern European descent? In the Eastern European cultures, would be offensive to stay in a hotel while you have a relative living in town. Everytime we go visiting we have to go thru this argument with my family- immediate and extended. They don't seem to comprehend why do we stay in a hotel when you can stay with family and save money! I have the same problem with the Canadian side of my family. they just show up unannounced and stay at my parents house. sent from my electronic distraction We do stay at each other's homes a lot but not unannounced and not if we've been told it's a bad time. Well my Dad's family tries to but they don't count.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 28, 2015 13:35:38 GMT -5
There is nothing evil about you setting boundaries and standing up for yourself.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 28, 2015 13:41:43 GMT -5
Quite frankly, I think the OP was very polite. She was sure a lot more polite than I would have been. My family usually prefers to stay at a hotel when visiting other family members. It gives us a place to de-stress from the social interaction and any family drama that might surface as a result and - really important - we've got our own bathroom and can be up wandering around in the dead of night, if we choose. My husband's family was from the old country (Germany). They expected us to stay with them. I acquiesced the first time but never again. Their guest room was lovely but the closet was full of moth balls! I'm deathly allergic to the things. I get a headache that literally knocks me off my feet if those things are anywhere around me! To this day, when I think of that time I recall opening the door and can actually see the damned mothballs rolling at me - a little mothball army - attacking! Needless to say, from then on we stayed elsewhere. Thank gosh, DH was understanding. MIL would probably have removed the mothballs but ... I couldn't be sure and I didn't want to go through that again!
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Nov 28, 2015 14:26:58 GMT -5
I have the same problem with the Canadian side of my family. they just show up unannounced and stay at my parents house. sent from my electronic distraction We do stay at each other's homes a lot but not unannounced and not if we've been told it's a bad time. Well my Dad's family tries to but they don't count. the Canadian side of my family are country bumpkins. my mom's side are not country folks, so I just draw the line in the sand that way. I think it's a country culture thing rather than a Canadian one. sorry to have offended! sent from my electronic distraction
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Nov 28, 2015 14:28:17 GMT -5
Lmao! Grown people with absolutely no home training!!!!
Something similar happened when I was in middle or high school. It was a weeknight around 11pm and the doorbell rang...it was my former stepdad's sister and I think 2 of her kids looking for a place to stay. Again, no notice or anything. I think there may have been serious circumstances around that, but I remember my mom being PISSED.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Nov 28, 2015 15:28:16 GMT -5
This is one (ok, probably the ONLY) time I enjoy having a 1 bedroom/1 bathroom apartment. There is literally no room for anyone to stay with us. Well, my mom has stayed when it's been for one night only and an extreme circumstance, and I think my dad slept on my couch the night he helped me move in. BUT, in general, its really easy for us to say "I'm sorry, you can't stay with us, because we have no where for you to sleep. But the Hilton just 1 block away has plenty of room; would you like help getting your suitcases there?"
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Nov 28, 2015 15:29:12 GMT -5
Lmao! Grown people with absolutely no home training!!!! Something similar happened when I was in middle or high school. It was a weeknight around 11pm and the doorbell rang...it was my former stepdad's sister and I think 2 of her kids looking for a place to stay. Again, no notice or anything. I think there may have been serious circumstances around that, but I remember my mom being PISSED. I totally understand that sometimes shitty circumstances come up but under no circumstances is it appropriate to not call ahead! That's the part of this story that just irks me.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 28, 2015 15:38:43 GMT -5
It's good to say NO HELL WAY once in a while.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2015 15:46:40 GMT -5
Lmao! Grown people with absolutely no home training!!!! Something similar happened when I was in middle or high school. It was a weeknight around 11pm and the doorbell rang...it was my former stepdad's sister and I think 2 of her kids looking for a place to stay. Again, no notice or anything. I think there may have been serious circumstances around that, but I remember my mom being PISSED. I really hope that my family and friends know that they can land on my doorstep any time day or night if there are serious circumstances going on. That's part of what I like about having extra bedrooms and couches.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 28, 2015 15:47:48 GMT -5
Lmao! Grown people with absolutely no home training!!!! Something similar happened when I was in middle or high school. It was a weeknight around 11pm and the doorbell rang...it was my former stepdad's sister and I think 2 of her kids looking for a place to stay. Again, no notice or anything. I think there may have been serious circumstances around that, but I remember my mom being PISSED. I totally understand that sometimes shitty circumstances come up but under no circumstances is it appropriate to not call ahead! That's the part of this story that just irks me. If you call you give a chance to say NO. Just showing up makes it harder. They know this.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Nov 28, 2015 15:49:59 GMT -5
I totally understand that sometimes shitty circumstances come up but under no circumstances is it appropriate to not call ahead! That's the part of this story that just irks me. If you call you give a chance to say NO. Just showing up makes it harder. They know this. True but for someone truly down and out, I'd always open my home. Hell, I basically open my home all the time. I would not be welcoming to people who just show up at an unreasonable hour and just expect to be catered to simply because they want to shop. They can go shove it where the sun don't shine!
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Nov 28, 2015 15:51:03 GMT -5
serious circumstances are an entirely different story. my door is open to any and all of my loved ones, blood relatives or otherwise, if something's a crisis. my house isn't huge, but we'll make it work.
people showing up unannounced and expecting me to let them stay indefinitely is not at all acceptable, ever.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Nov 28, 2015 16:07:39 GMT -5
Lisa; you did the right thing. And I understand your sleepless night as a person who has problems saying NO and setting up limits. But I've come to realize that if you don't, there are certain people who would walk all over you and take advantage. So, no matter how uncomfortable it feels, you have to stand up for yourself. I'm in the same journey, and believe me, it gets easier as you do it more often.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Nov 28, 2015 16:37:21 GMT -5
If you call you give a chance to say NO. Just showing up makes it harder. They know this. True but for someone truly down and out, I'd always open my home. Hell, I basically open my home all the time. I would not be welcoming to people who just show up at an unreasonable hour and just expect to be catered to simply because they want to shop. They can go shove it where the sun don't shine! Yeah that.
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lund
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Post by lund on Nov 28, 2015 16:39:38 GMT -5
Lisa, Well done!
You got them out - it is important to keep those human steamrollers at bay. Alas it does not stop them from trying again, though. They probably need to have lived through not succeeding in letting you pay for and/or do the work for them several times to stop trying.
You were polite - more than I would have been since it is the third time that this woman tries to get in and live on your dime in your space. You also should be able to sleep well due to that. Politeness as long as can be required is preferred. Overnight hospitality, or even any hospitality, is not mandatory.
You were firm, which is good. It makes it easier to hold the boundaries.
Remember, if you had let them in, you would have had to feed them, wash dishes, tidy up and clean after them, and pay for all the food, probably for a stay of at least two nights. These resources would have to be taken from your children, who are not going on a seasonal shopping vacation anywhere.
Now, prepare to sleep well.
Edited to add: You are not evil. She is!
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Nov 28, 2015 17:09:26 GMT -5
On the contrary, Lisa. Not one single thing you did was evil. You handled it far better than me. Had they shown up at my house, I would have turned into Freddy Krueger on a bitchin' broomstick and those folks would be fertilizing my daisies. No respect for you, no respect for your family and no respect for your home. And no indication of any kind of previous good manners on their part. I'd use the old expression, "Hey, were you raised in a barn?" to describe them, but that would be an insult to barns everywhere.
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lund
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Post by lund on Nov 28, 2015 17:14:43 GMT -5
It would be an insult to all inhabitants of barns anywhere too!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2015 19:45:08 GMT -5
When my grandson was a newborn, his other grandparents wanted to come from another state to see him. The baby's father told them it wasn't a good time because there was nowhere for them to stay and he knew they didn't have money for a hotel. He'd already talked to me about it and I agreed with him it was a bad time. They came anyway, and didn't even have a way to get away from the bus station. Their son was so upset, almost in tears, and asked if they could stay with me, which is what his parents had assumed would happen. I'd never met his mother but I had a problem with her, so no she was not welcome to stay in my home ESPECIALLY after they'd ignored what her son had said about not coming yet. I didn't tell him I didn't like his Mom, just that they couldn't stay here and he said he understood. I refused to even try to stuff them in my little car and give them a ride from the bus station.
So this young man had to pay for a hotel for his parents and little brothers and feed them that weekend AND buy them bus tickets to get back home. He had a full time job but it didn't pay much, and he had a newborn baby. I felt bad for him, but not bad enough to change my mind and help. I thought that was a very trifling and disrespectful thing for them to do and I wasn't going to let it be my problem.
I slept just fine that weekend. Sometimes I have trouble saying no, but not that time. Nobody's going to bully their way into my home if I can help it, especially not someone I don't even like.
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wmpeon
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Post by wmpeon on Nov 28, 2015 20:53:26 GMT -5
I like my privacy, and I would resent the hell out of someone invading my space without invitation. Based on what I read her and at the previous thread, I'd ban MIL (and possibly sisters) from ever stepping foot in my home again. Then again, I'm not a confrontational sort and doubt I could go through with it. SIL must be so embarrassed.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 28, 2015 22:21:33 GMT -5
I try not to be confrontational either but I have no issue not answering my door or my phone.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 28, 2015 22:24:09 GMT -5
When my grandson was a newborn, his other grandparents wanted to come from another state to see him. The baby's father told them it wasn't a good time because there was nowhere for them to stay and he knew they didn't have money for a hotel. He'd already talked to me about it and I agreed with him it was a bad time. They came anyway, and didn't even have a way to get away from the bus station. Their son was so upset, almost in tears, and asked if they could stay with me, which is what his parents had assumed would happen. I'd never met his mother but I had a problem with her, so no she was not welcome to stay in my home ESPECIALLY after they'd ignored what her son had said about not coming yet. I didn't tell him I didn't like his Mom, just that they couldn't stay here and he said he understood. I refused to even try to stuff them in my little car and give them a ride from the bus station. So this young man had to pay for a hotel for his parents and little brothers and feed them that weekend AND buy them bus tickets to get back home. He had a full time job but it didn't pay much, and he had a newborn baby. I felt bad for him, but not bad enough to change my mind and help. I thought that was a very trifling and disrespectful thing for them to do and I wasn't going to let it be my problem. I slept just fine that weekend. Sometimes I have trouble saying no, but not that time. Nobody's going to bully their way into my home if I can help it, especially not someone I don't even like. What a horrible thing for those "parents" to do. Bet they never helped him at all growing up either My hungry friend and her siblings always get hit up by their sorry excuses for parents. After breeding more mouths than they could feed/care for, now they think their kids "owe them."
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lisamomof4
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Post by lisamomof4 on Nov 29, 2015 3:26:11 GMT -5
pink very similar thing has already happened once with his family and i gave in and let them stay after DD2 and SIL about broke down in tears and begged as they wouldn't have $$ to get back to base if they had to cover for hotel... i told them then it was the last time and he has kept his word and not been upset since when i've said 'no' mollyanna i'm actually pretty much known for being a soft touch if someone needs a place to stay...but it's a matter of asking, not assuming, and showing respect....his family does none of that deminmaine i actually have 4 people coming to stay over the holidays, 1 friend of DS who is flying home from college and was told by his mother 'it doesn't work' for her...so he will be here for 2wks on extra mattress in DS's room, DD2 and SIL will be here from the 23-8th, and DD1's MIL will be in guest room the 24-25th....but all asked, are polite and help out...none treat me as a servant mroped his family is hispanic so don't know if it's cultural or not...personally i'd say that his mother is just a mooch. i know she has made snarky comments about how she thinks we have money so we should pay for everything as she is owed... yep the 'not a B&B' was me...
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lisamomof4
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Post by lisamomof4 on Nov 29, 2015 3:34:25 GMT -5
Dh and i actually talked about the last time members of DSIL's family tried to pull this. talked to DSIL today and from what he said was told to him when his mother called him screaming to 'do something about us' and to 'straighten us out' she truly feels entitled to treat our home as a hotel. that our objection last time was due to her not being there...i think his mother may be a bit off in the head....
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lund
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Post by lund on Nov 29, 2015 4:24:00 GMT -5
pink very similar thing has already happened once with his family and i gave in and let them stay after DD2 and SIL about broke down in tears and begged as they wouldn't have $$ to get back to base if they had to cover for hotel... i told them then it was the last time and he has kept his word and not been upset since when i've said 'no' mollyanna i'm actually pretty much known for being a soft touch if someone needs a place to stay...but it's a matter of asking, not assuming, and showing respect....his family does none of that deminmaine i actually have 4 people coming to stay over the holidays, 1 friend of DS who is flying home from college and was told by his mother 'it doesn't work' for her...so he will be here for 2wks on extra mattress in DS's room, DD2 and SIL will be here from the 23-8th, and DD1's MIL will be in guest room the 24-25th....but all asked, are polite and help out...none treat me as a servant slave. mroped his family is hispanic so don't know if it's cultural or not...personally i'd say that his mother is just a mooch. i know she has made snarky comments about how she thinks we have money so we should pay for everything as she is owed... yep the 'not a B&B' was me... Fixed! Servants not treated well, that is politely, and having a decent work environment, quit; slaves have to stay.
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lund
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Post by lund on Nov 29, 2015 4:43:21 GMT -5
This woman has succeeded in bullying you previously on several occasions, and now howls because it did not work. Your "objection because she was not there" - well, there is something in it, since she previously succeeded in steamrolling you into letting her do as she wanted, and this time, she was not there to steamroll you, and did not succeed. Do not give in! Offering hospitality to those who ask and are nice guests is something entirely different. I am glad that you do; it must mean a lot to those around you.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Nov 29, 2015 14:40:05 GMT -5
This is one (ok, probably the ONLY) time I enjoy having a 1 bedroom/1 bathroom apartment. There is literally no room for anyone to stay with us. Well, my mom has stayed when it's been for one night only and an extreme circumstance, and I think my dad slept on my couch the night he helped me move in. BUT, in general, its really easy for us to say "I'm sorry, you can't stay with us, because we have no where for you to sleep. But the Hilton just 1 block away has plenty of room; would you like help getting your suitcases there?" When I lived in a studio apartment, I still ended up hosting my mom, my stepdad, and my brother. They didn't show up unannounced or anything. However, considering that my stepdad didn't seem to like being in the same room with me, I was really surprised that he didn't spring for a hotel. I guess his stinginess outweighed his dislike of me. Now that I live in a bigger place I enjoy hosting my mom and brother, especially if it means they can visit more often. I am sure I would feel differently if they lived within driving distance though. I am glad that none of my relatives treat my apartment like a free vacation rental. To the OP, I think you handled it well. Evil would be showing up at their place at 9:45 pm looking for a place to stay.
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wmpeon
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Post by wmpeon on Nov 29, 2015 15:51:29 GMT -5
I was thinking about this last night, and if SIL and DD are staying over Christmas, now is a good time to practice saying no for if/when MIL shows up to enjoy the holiday with SIL and wants to stay over. Don't expect hints to work, because subtlety is missed (ignored!!). It's time to be blunt, niceties on behalf of SIL bedamned.
It is extremely disrespectful to just show up and demand to stay in your home. MIL (and extras in tow) are not welcome to stay.
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cael
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Post by cael on Nov 29, 2015 15:55:49 GMT -5
That's so awful, you're my hero for putting your foot down! I'm waiting for/dreading the day my stupid MIL or stupid BIL show up at our house with no advance warning expecting to stay with us. The answer will be a resounding no. Good for you!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2015 19:46:06 GMT -5
When my grandson was a newborn, his other grandparents wanted to come from another state to see him. The baby's father told them it wasn't a good time because there was nowhere for them to stay and he knew they didn't have money for a hotel. He'd already talked to me about it and I agreed with him it was a bad time. They came anyway, and didn't even have a way to get away from the bus station. Their son was so upset, almost in tears, and asked if they could stay with me, which is what his parents had assumed would happen. I'd never met his mother but I had a problem with her, so no she was not welcome to stay in my home ESPECIALLY after they'd ignored what her son had said about not coming yet. I didn't tell him I didn't like his Mom, just that they couldn't stay here and he said he understood. I refused to even try to stuff them in my little car and give them a ride from the bus station. So this young man had to pay for a hotel for his parents and little brothers and feed them that weekend AND buy them bus tickets to get back home. He had a full time job but it didn't pay much, and he had a newborn baby. I felt bad for him, but not bad enough to change my mind and help. I thought that was a very trifling and disrespectful thing for them to do and I wasn't going to let it be my problem. I slept just fine that weekend. Sometimes I have trouble saying no, but not that time. Nobody's going to bully their way into my home if I can help it, especially not someone I don't even like. What a horrible thing for those "parents" to do. Bet they never helped him at all growing up either My hungry friend and her siblings always get hit up by their sorry excuses for parents. After breeding more mouths than they could feed/care for, now they think their kids "owe them." Don't get me started on them. It's un-fucking-believeable. And yeah, their oldest son thinks (or at least thought) it's his responsibility to help his Dad take care of his Mom, who has never had a job and cusses her husband out when he says her sisters (who don't work) and their kids need to move out. I give the Dad credit for working long hours and walking miles to work, but she's a real piece of work and a princess whose wants come before her children's needs. He dropped out of college, gave up a football scholarship and went home to marry her because she was pregnant, except she wasn't. Last I heard, he'd finally got sick of her, found his backbone and left after over 20 years. See, I almost got started.
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