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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2015 14:35:41 GMT -5
Even before my divorce I told my daughter to never put herself in a position where a man is supporting her and she has heard me enough so she knows my opinion on supporting able-bodied person. I had only DS, but if I had had a daughter I would have made sure she was equipped to support herself if necessary. I'm the product of a happy, traditional marriage in which Mom never worked outside the home and my parents are still together and doing well- but too much can go wrong with that model and women have far more career options than my mother's generation did. I do have a granddaughter. Her mother, my DDIL, stays home with her and plans to home-school her. They're great parents. I found it reassuring, though, that DDIL had gotten a 2-year business degree, moved out of her parents' small town and gotten a job in the Big City (Des Moines!) before she married DS and had our granddaughter. She lived with roommates, but she was independent of her parents. Our granddaughter isn't even two yet but I plan to encourage her to find a way to support herself. If she chooses to pursue full-time motherhood after that, that's her choice, but I don't want her marrying because it's the only way to get out of her parents' house.
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quince
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Post by quince on Nov 25, 2015 14:43:11 GMT -5
Athena- I think my mom's philosophy is a bit like yours- very much believing that everyone should be able to support themselves, but when I had a kid, she said I should stay home if I could. I asked her what happened to her "be self-supporting" attitude, and she stared at me like I'd grown a second head and said that I'd been self-supporting for a decade, and it's not the same as if I'd just had a kid right after high school and had always been dependent on someone.
We'd already decided I'd quit or work part-time because a full-time job + PhD work ate up a lot of my husband's time, but it was a weird moment. (One more conference and journal to go, damn it!)
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 25, 2015 17:53:25 GMT -5
Even before my divorce I told my daughter to never put herself in a position where a man is supporting her and she has heard me enough so she knows my opinion on supporting able-bodied person. I had only DS, but if I had had a daughter I would have made sure she was equipped to support herself if necessary. I'm the product of a happy, traditional marriage in which Mom never worked outside the home and my parents are still together and doing well- but too much can go wrong with that model and women have far more career options than my mother's generation did. I do have a granddaughter. Her mother, my DDIL, stays home with her and plans to home-school her. They're great parents. I found it reassuring, though, that DDIL had gotten a 2-year business degree, moved out of her parents' small town and gotten a job in the Big City (Des Moines!) before she married DS and had our granddaughter. She lived with roommates, but she was independent of her parents. Our granddaughter isn't even two yet but I plan to encourage her to find a way to support herself. If she chooses to pursue full-time motherhood after that, that's her choice, but I don't want her marrying because it's the only way to get out of her parents' house. I agree.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 25, 2015 17:54:57 GMT -5
Someday I want to SAH, and start doing foster care once our kiddos are in school. Heck, maybe I will even homeschool my kids.
But can I still have a wife to help take care of me?
Some of the families in DH's firm have SAHWs and full-time nannies. I want THAT gig!
And now....it's past noon on Weds. Can we just all agree to start our holiday drinking now? Shots for Muttley and Tequila. Hahaha! Give you each a few and we will be besties and having a grand old time lol! Yes, let's just accept that we are all different, things don't always translate well in written form, have some drinks and have some laughs
Ooh...I wouldn't mind having the money to not work and still have staff!lol
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 25, 2015 19:23:04 GMT -5
I don't know why everyone, yes, everyone can't admit a simple fact - it is very risky to be completely depended on another person. It's risky for both parties. Anyone who tries to claim otherwise is putting a lot of emotions into it.
Just bc some families do it and are happy with their decision, it doesn't make it any less riskier.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 25, 2015 19:30:24 GMT -5
I don't know why everyone, yes, everyone can't admit a simple fact - it is very risky to be completely depended on another person. It's risky for both parties. Anyone who tries to claim otherwise is putting a lot of emotions into it. Just bc some families do it and are happy with their decision, it doesn't make it any less riskier.
but I am tired of going round and round on this...let's just get our drink on!
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quince
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Post by quince on Nov 25, 2015 20:26:45 GMT -5
Of course it's risky- but risky doesn't mean no one should do it or that it is a bad idea. I don't think anyone claimed that being dependent on another person WAS NOT risky.
I'm pretty sure families that rely on having two incomes are taking on a whole lot of risk, too. Ideally, either parent would make enough to support the whole family, but this is not a common thing. I rested a bit easier when either of us could have shouldered the whole load without too much trouble.
We're in agreement and happy with how things are...and we have a moderate pile of cash to offset some of the risk. It's not perfect, but it's good enough, and even if it doesn't turn out well in the end...doesn't make it retroactively a bad decision. We both went into the arrangement completely aware of and OK with the risk. Structuring our lives with the central goal of minimizing the risk of separation seemed as bad an idea as relying on a happy ending for any stability in life.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 25, 2015 20:42:20 GMT -5
Of course it's risky- but risky doesn't mean no one should do it or that it is a bad idea. I don't think anyone claimed that being dependent on another person WAS NOT risky. I'm pretty sure families that rely on having two incomes are taking on a whole lot of risk, too. Ideally, either parent would make enough to support the whole family, but this is not a common thing. I rested a bit easier when either of us could have shouldered the whole load without too much trouble. We're in agreement and happy with how things are...and we have a moderate pile of cash to offset some of the risk. It's not perfect, but it's good enough, and even if it doesn't turn out well in the end...doesn't make it retroactively a bad decision. We both went into the arrangement completely aware of and OK with the risk. Structuring our lives with the central goal of minimizing the risk of separation seemed as bad an idea as relying on a happy ending for any stability in life. Well, not "of course", otherwise, Miss T wouldn't be getting responses she usually gets. Bc her entire point is that it's risky. Her second point is that she is not willing to take that risk, which should be completely irrelevant to any and all discussions. And yet, she gets novels written in response to that seemingly simple concept. You just wrote 3 paragraphs yourself. Why? Why go into all those descriptions and explanations if you agree with her base point?
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quince
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Post by quince on Nov 25, 2015 21:27:28 GMT -5
NO ONE has a problem with her point that it is risky. The problem is with the point that NO ONE should do it. This has been stated upthread. A couple of times.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 25, 2015 22:05:43 GMT -5
Oh please, that is such semantics.
Not to mention that she stated numerous times that she doesn't really care what other people do as it doesn't effect her life.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 25, 2015 22:34:09 GMT -5
Are you all practicing before getting together with family tomorrow? Don't forget to throw in politics and religion!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 26, 2015 6:52:21 GMT -5
Oh please, that is such semantics. Not to mention that she stated numerous times that she doesn't really care what other people do as it doesn't effect her life. meh, the same posters like to disagree with me no matter what I post. Im used to it! Anyone else could say exactly what I say and no one would blink an i. I explain over and over again and the same few posters focus on the wording in one post and ignore everything else...I wouldnt expect anything else!lol
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 26, 2015 6:58:25 GMT -5
NO ONE has a problem with her point that it is risky. The problem is with the point that NO ONE should do it. This has been stated upthread. A couple of times. Yes! The exact statement was "And that is why one spouse should never support another." That is very different from "it's risky and I wouldn't do it." Only one of those statements presumes to tell other people what is best for their lives. That's the one that tends to draw responses. Good lord...you really do like to zone in on people or specific posts, don't you? Your husband must really have to watch how he says things or he will be getting bitched at for years...because it's not what you say but the exact words you use to say it...and no amount of explaining matters.... To be clear...and for the last time because you are all boring me with this, I don't think anyone should be supported or support someone else. Too risky...but as long as it isn't my risk I don't really care I still said should and I still firmly believe it and I honestly don't care who disagrees with me or gets pissed over the way i phrase it I hope all of you has a very happy thanksgiving
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Nov 26, 2015 8:21:11 GMT -5
Are you all practicing before getting together with family tomorrow? Don't forget to throw in politics and religion!
I can go you one better than politics and religion. I bring up the Oakland Raiders - that bunch are all Packer fans Sometimes I get to sit at the kid's table
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Baby Fawkes
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Post by Baby Fawkes on Nov 26, 2015 8:33:18 GMT -5
Are you all practicing before getting together with family tomorrow? Don't forget to throw in politics and religion!
I can go you one better than politics and religion. I bring up the Oakland Raiders - that bunch are all Packer fans Sometimes I get to sit at the kid's table That's the fun table!
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Nov 27, 2015 16:02:30 GMT -5
This has been a timely and interesting thread for me. If I don't have a job by spring, I will probably be moving back to where I grew up (an area with less unemployment and a lower cost of living). My SO is on board with coming with me if that is what needs to happen for us to stay together, but he doesn't like the idea. I want both of us to move sooner rather than later if that is what we will need to do to have a comfortable future. My SO is understandably nervous about leaving a stable job in an area he has lived in for most of his life. He is also not thrilled at all about the idea of me supporting us until we find jobs. The funny thing is that he would probably end up earning more than me out there.
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