Walking away from your life

[Phoenix84]

By "walking away from your life" I mean deciding to cut all contacts with friends and family, and start a new life somewhere else, with the idea no one from your current life will be able to contact you, maybe even under a new name or identity.

Like, let's say, for example, you made preparations to move to another state or country, and start a new life, maybe get a new name.

I think it's an interesting concept, but how easy do you think it would be?  In this day and age, you need your social security number for just about anything, and employers (and even dates) are more into checking out your background and history.  

Is it still feasible to assume a new identity in a new location?  Or does the technology, background checks, and ever increasing "big brother" society make it impossible?  

Also, what would happen to someone who "disappeared" like this?  In the legal sense.  Can someone be declared dead if they just disappear without leaving behind a corpse?  Can a family member or spouse declare someone dead in absentia?  What about getting things like social security benefits or insurance and things like that for a spouse or child left behind?

I imagine it happens more than you might think.  Note I'm not thinking about actually doing this, but I think it's an interesting thought experiment.

[mamasita99]

I suppose in some circumstances it's perfectly ok to do just that. If you don't have minor children or any legal obligation to a spouse, and don't commit any acts of crime before you leave, you can walk away unbothered. People can look for you all they want, it wouldn't be against the law to simply disappear in those circumstances.

[cktc]

It's simple enough to cut contact with people without having to change your identity or go off grid. I think the people that go to those lengths would generally be tied up in something, or with someone, dangerous or illegal.

[weltschmerz]

My ex did it so he wouldn't have to pay child support. I think he took the SS number from a dead guy.

[Jaguar]

Oct 22, 2015 18:36:53 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

My ex did it so he wouldn't have to pay child support. I think he took the SS number from a dead guy.

Sorry he didn't pay child support.

[weltschmerz]

Oct 22, 2015 18:38:33 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Oct 22, 2015 18:36:53 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

My ex did it so he wouldn't have to pay child support. I think he took the SS number from a dead guy.

Sorry he didn't pay child support.

Yeah, so was I. Thanks. It was brutal.

[giramomma]

Yes, I think it's easy enough to do.

Even in this day and age, I wouldn't assume that a SS number is needed for a job.

There are lots of jobs done under the table: daycare can be the most lucrative one.

Lots of folks still knowingly hire improperly documented workers..In my state, hospitality, construction, and agriculture are the big industries that depend on improperly documented workers. Fast food is another industry..

As a society, we're still not THAT far removed from folks that keep cash stashed around the household..I mean, we're talking my grandparents generation...As long as businesses still accept cash...

I'm sure it's easy enough to buy new papers. Folks do it here in the US..

[mroped]

In 94 I jumped ship in Port Alfred- Chicoutimi- Quebec.
Nobody in my family knew where I was for three years except that I was somewhere in North America and that's about it.
Somehow, my father tracked me down and one morning sometimes in July 97 he called me.
Was the last time I spoke with him. Two months later he passed.

[Shooby]

Whereever you go. There you are. You cant run away from yourself. Not sure why u would need to go to that extent. Just move and start over that way.

[Tennesseer]

Oct 22, 2015 19:37:57 GMT -5 mroped said:

In 94 I jumped ship in Port Alfred- Chicoutimi- Quebec.
Nobody in my family knew where I was for three years except that I was somewhere in North America and that's about it.
Somehow, my father tracked me down and one morning sometimes in July 97 he called me.
Was the last time I spoke with him. Two months later he passed.

Hopefully, it was a good call. My condolences.

[milee]

If you don't have expensive tastes, I think disappearing would be pretty easy. Not hard to keep a low profile if you work and live on a cash basis and there are plenty of cash jobs around, especially if you're willing to go abroad.

[Apple]

I think if you're willing to do a job like prostitution, it could be quite easy to disappear.  In a lot of other jobs, it can still be difficult to do a job under the table without knowing someone first, people are more wary of strangers.

I definitely think there are some other countries where you could just go an live.

I've honestly been tempted before, to some degree (but would have taken my son).  Might have done a name change, but wouldn't have worried about SSN, just done it legally to some really common name.

(ETA: tempted to walk away from my life, not be a prostitute )

[Deleted]

Tempting as hell but not feasible for an old broad like me unless I fake mental illness so I can access healthcare resources as someone delusional who doesn't remember name, SS #, etc.  I agree that there are many cash jobs out there and an s-load of fake id's but it would be a tough life on the mean streets.  Locally, the city has started cracking down on apartment complexes that get too many police calls, fining them unless they do background criminal checks on their tenants.  

On the abstract level, I would love to walk away from the accumulated debris of my life choices and have a chance to find out who I am and what I can do without either the support or baggage of folks I've accumulated along the way.

[milee]

Oct 22, 2015 21:15:35 GMT -5 @donethat said:

 Locally, the city has started cracking down on apartment complexes that get too many police calls, fining them unless they do background criminal checks on their tenants.  

?? It's a law that your apartment complexes do a background check before they rent to a tenant?  Although if I were a landlord I'd do that, it seems a bad idea to make a law. Doesn't that almost guarantee that all your ex-cons are either homeless or living under fake names?  Where are the people supposed to live after they get out of prison?

[TheOtherMe]

First time I went to NYC, that was my first thought.  In a big city like that, it would be so easy to do. 

Now that I am older, I am not sure I could pull it off as I need my pension and health care.  I supposed I could escape family still.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

I could see doing it if I was a victim of domestic abuse and/or a controlling partner, especially if I had kids in a situation like that.

I could see doing it if I was a witness to a crime and my life was threatened if I testified (although, I'd probably take off after I testified).

I could not see myself doing it to avoid some obligation.  

But, it's funny, we kind of shed our identities as we go through life anyways.  We go from being a child, to a college student and/or young, single, employee to a married employee and maybe to a parent and then to a middle aged man or woman and then maybe to an empty nester and so on.  I've been realizing over the past few weeks that I am phasing out of full-time parenting as my kids head off to college and, though I will miss them, I am also starting my life over in a sense.  I'm actually kind of excited.  I keep phrasing it as "trying to figure out what I am going to be when I grow up".  I will have a new identity, one way or another.  I know, Phoenix, your OP was about leaving behind everything and everyone from one's life, but, sometimes you don't have to go that far to re-create/re-invent yourself.  

[Deleted]

Oct 22, 2015 21:30:05 GMT -5 milee said:

Oct 22, 2015 21:15:35 GMT -5 @donethat said:

 Locally, the city has started cracking down on apartment complexes that get too many police calls, fining them unless they do background criminal checks on their tenants.  

?? It's a law that your apartment complexes do a background check before they rent to a tenant?  Although if I were a landlord I'd do that, it seems a bad idea to make a law. Doesn't that almost guarantee that all your ex-cons are either homeless or living under fake names?  Where are the people supposed to live after they get out of prison?

Not a law that they have to do it, but for those who don't and use a lot of police resources (think 10-15 calls a night, etc.), they are fined to insure that they pay for the services they use.  Most complexes are cool but there are some s-holes.  I can see how it would unfairly impact the ex-con sincerely seeking to return to society but understand the intent is to hit out-of-town slumlords that are renting to human garbage right in the wallet where they stash their profits.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Oh, and, yes, one can be declared dead by the courts.  Usually the request is made by a family member, especially an abandoned spouse.  Things such as tax records, bank accounts, credit reports, social security earnings, etc. would be checked to see if there has been any activity since the disappearance.  Sadly, people disappear all of the time and sometimes not on purpose. 

[Tiny]

Oct 22, 2015 17:33:23 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

 
Is it still feasible to assume a new identity in a new location?  Or does the technology, background checks, and ever increasing "big brother" society make it impossible?  

Yeah, I think it's totally do able as long as you aren't planning on resuming a high powered/income job like you might have now.
Back during the heyday of the immigration issues (before the bubble burst and all the 'transient immigrants' went back to wherever they came from OR to wherever there were now jobs) There were a bunch of newspaper articles about how some immigrants would get SS# illegally - and how assuming that new identity wasn't all that 'risky'. I remember the article highlighted one woman who used a stolen SS# for years - she had a mundane job, a husband, kids, at some point she and the hubs bought a middle of the road house using HER credit/job/SS#... everything went great - until she went to the doctor and was diagnosised with cancer. Something in the healthcare/insurance computer universe didn't like the SS# she was using... and things went south. The article was very sympathetic to this woman and her family - after all she just wanted to work, to have a family, to have a house, to live just like 'everyone else' - and then she was ill with cancer and being threatened with jail/deportation/who knows what. I'm not sure how I feel about the situation.

So, yeah, you probably can do well using someone's SS# - as long as you stay low profile. You wouldn't even need to be unbanked, or without a credit card, or work only for cash.

[Tiny]

FWIW: I think I might not have to change my identity to 'vanish'. I'm very likely to out live my immediate family and even my friends... my nieces/nephews are all moving away... I can totally see where I might loose touch with the younger generation.

When I look into my crystal ball - I think a Kodokusi might be in my future. Morbid, I know. but hey, I'm a morbid kinda gal.

[Sharon]

I read an article about this and it is not uncommon.  Several of the people were still using their same SSN.  There aren't enough law enforcement resources to spend long term tracking down people who don't have a reason to be tracked.  The one officers comments that stuck with me was when/if they do find the people if they tell them they don't want there family to know where they are living or what their new name is they respect that and will just tell the family that they are alive and fine.  This guy said that if people are living law abiding lives and there are not extraneous circumstances (mental illness, dementia, minor children being withheld from another parent etc) and wish to no longer be in contact with family/friends that is their business and we are not going to interfere.

[Shooby]

I can't imagine explaining that to an employer. That you moved and changed your name, etc.    So, are you going to apply for a job and not give any work history?  Or how would you explain that? 

[giramomma]

Oct 23, 2015 6:45:08 GMT -5 Shooby said:

I can't imagine explaining that to an employer. That you moved and changed your name, etc.    So, are you going to apply for a job and not give any work history?  Or how would you explain that? 

Possibly. Functional resumes focus on job skills, not work history.

I'm sure one could explain it by saying something generic: I needed to step out of the workforce for personal reasons...If an applicant leaves it at that...that could mean everything from I got the heck of the grid to I needed time to take care of my ailing parents.

I don't take interviews enough to know if those conducting the interview would continue to push for a more specific answer..

If you have the skills on a resume and you click with the interviewer, I think glossing over non-specifics wouldn't be noticed.

I just went in to talk to some one yesterday about a gig doing project help. They saw my resume (but it was a work history one), never bothered asking for my references, and we spent most of the interview time talking about the kids, and discovered my city of 250K is really quite small. Told me I had a place because we clicked. The guy didn't know what exactly role he would like to give me..we'll work those details out later.

[happyhoix]

Oct 22, 2015 18:39:11 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

Oct 22, 2015 18:38:33 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Sorry he didn't pay child support.

Yeah, so was I. Thanks. It was brutal.

A friend of mine had an ex that only took jobs where he got paid under the table so he could avoid paying her child support. Left her with three kids to raise. At the same time, remarried and had a new kid with the new wife, and they got all his hidden money.

What kind of a shitty person do you have to be to go to such lengths to avoid helping to support your own kids.

[Deleted]

I've wondered about this, also as a thought exercise. I'm on good terms with family and friends and don't want to hide from anyone. Still, divorcing an abusive husband made me wonder how I'd do it if I had to. Fortunately, my Ex wasn't a stalker and he's dead now.

Anyway-

1. My first and last names are both uncommon. If you look up my name on Google, what you find is likely me. It would mean doing nothing that would leave tracks on Google, which leads me to..

2. I have a relatively scarce professional credential (Fellow of the Casualty Actuarial Society). It was a great career path and it would have been hard to continue in that career if I'd tried to change my name and disappear. Even if I got married and changed my last name, I can count on one hands the number of women in my professional society with my first name. So, I'd have had to choose work that far less interesting and didn't pay as well.

3. Sometimes, you get "outed" whether you want it or not. At one point the American Academy of Actuaries decided to take all the membership information of all the actuaries in North America and make it public. (The CAS keeps their directory behind a Members Only wall.) I was furious. What IF my Ex were a stalker? They didn't ask/tell anyone beforehand.

4. I read that you used to be able to find a newspaper from around the time you were born and then look in the obituaries and find a baby who was born around the time you were but died shortly after that. You get the birth certificate and apply for an SS number. I think it's now harder to just waltz in and get a birth certificate unless you can prove some relationship to the deceased. And, at age 62, I'd have a heck of a time explaining why I was applying for an SS number (under the new name) and had never had one before.

So, you'd pretty much have to live off the grid. Moving to another country might help.

[haapai]

I think that walking away from everyone that you know would be quite simple.  All you'd really have to do is move, change your cell phone number and stop responding to e-mail.  I don't want to discount the emotional toll that such a change would take on you or the folks that you dropped, but it is quite simple to do.  Cutting contact is quite simple. 

Establishing a new identity without committing identity fraud would probably be quite difficult.  My employer does credit checks and criminal background checks for part-time, minimum wage hires with no cash-handling responsibilities.  They also do three interviews, which takes weeks to schedule, and ask for personal references.  I suspect that the interviews aren't particularly tough, but the length of the process is brutal.  The days of employers being willing or able to look the other way because you were willing to work nights, or weekends, or few hours with no benefits, or start now, are pretty much gone. 

FWIW, It might be a lot easier to start over if you are female.  Gals can explain away a lot with stories of name changes, child-care obligations, elder-care obligations, and controlling exes.  If you try to explain away the same anomalies while sporting facial hair or a fresh shave and everyone assumes that the gaps in your employment record are due to involuntary terminations, incarcerations, or a desire to dodge child support.  You might still get hired, but only as the protegee of the person that hired you and that person might just think that they own you. 

[resolution]

I think you can reinvent yourself without changing your name and hiding your past, however you are still stuck being you. When I moved across the country I thought I might reinvent myself as warmer and more friendly, but I ended up being the same old me.

[msventoux]

Oct 23, 2015 22:26:14 GMT -5 resolution said:

I think you can reinvent yourself without changing your name and hiding your past, however you are still stuck being you. When I moved across the country I thought I might reinvent myself as warmer and more friendly, but I ended up being the same old me.

I'm wanting to move out of state, but I realize the issues plaguing me can be traced back to me, not my location.  I might still move eventually, but I'm spending more time working on myself than planning some fabulous new life elsewhere that will magically occur just because I moved. 

[tloonya]

I have a solution I think.
You change your name, move and make will to that new you.
This way you are keeping stuff. Brilliant?

[tloonya]

Oct 23, 2015 20:41:49 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I was about ready to do it if hubby and went back and not dealt with MIL's situation, I was at the end of my rope.

Divorce would be easier, no?