MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 16, 2015 9:48:38 GMT -5
People have been really disappointing me lately.... flaky, dishonest, annoying, and unreachable when I need them the most. I've tried to expand my circle of friends locally (through Meetup). I scheduled two events and got majorly burnt with both, so I took a break from that. Ditto with dating but burnt a lot more than two times. Why is it so hard to follow through on plans? Reply to a text? Be honest?
I like people and I don't want to turn into a hermit, but it's getting really hard to keep putting myself out there. I just don't know what to do.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 16, 2015 9:54:31 GMT -5
It's hard to make friends/socialize.
Part of why I want to leave here is this is the most unsocial/unfriendly place I have ever seen. I don't expect to be best buddies with the people I work with but you could at least thank me when I hold the door open for you or not look at me like I am pond scum when I say "Good morning" by the coffee pot. Then there was the guy that screamed at me for not using the copier in what he considered the correct manner.
That was almost enough to make me quit. How about just telling the new person "Hey you might want to do X when using the copier just so you know" you didn't need to stand there and yell at me.
For awhile I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. Then FINALLY the animal tech started talking to me and she said "nope, it's not you it's the department". She said she tries her best to socialize with newbies since nobody else does.
She said they rotate thru staff like crazy around here b/c of it. People in the sciences IN GENERAL aren't well know for their social skills but this is ridiculous. I seriously thought I was the only functional lab on this floor when I started. It was a week before I finally ran into another person in the bathroom. That is how insular it is in this department.
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grumpyhermit
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Post by grumpyhermit on Oct 16, 2015 9:56:12 GMT -5
I got nothing...... People are amazingly rude, and the inability to act in a polite manner has always annoyed me. Honestly, being a hermit isn't ALL bad
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techguy
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Post by techguy on Oct 16, 2015 10:20:51 GMT -5
Don't give up! You'll eventually find the right people who you will click with. Better to have quality over quantity.
But yeah, people generally suck.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 16, 2015 10:23:29 GMT -5
My theory is that people have gotten a little too comfortable with this whole notion of "this is who I am - take it or leave it" and don't put any kind of effort in manners or their behaviour.
And as with many other instances, things have gotten too far. Proper attire, proper etiquette, proper manners used to be considered a must. Now, it's all about comfort and individuality and "me", which I think turned into selfishness and rudeness.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Oct 16, 2015 10:36:42 GMT -5
I think it's a case of being able to choose between a dozen things to do at any given time. Thanks to social media and cell phones(being connected 24/7), you get to choose the thing you want to do at the last minute - at any given time - even if you've Agreed to do something - you can cancel and go do something else that sounds more appealing - especially if you just heard about the new appealing something.
I see this happen often: say you buy tickets and agree to join your friends at a concert 3 weeks from today. over the course of time you get invited to a birthday party on the night of the concert (which you say you will attend), maybe you hear about a "beer tasting" party which you also think you might attend, and then maybe you hear about a road trip to another city to do something that sounds fun.
The night before the concert you and your friends (who all have tickets to said concert) realize that you each have something "more fun" to do than go to the concert so as friends start dropping out you decide which of the 3 (or maybe by now 4 or 5) other things you'd rather do (than go to the concert which was your original plan).
It's a lot like the way we approach 'food'- every meal is a choice from one of hundreds of choices-- EVERY meal and EVERY meal must be special and wonderful and EXACTLY what we want. If we can choose what we eat on a whim - why not choose how you are spending your time on a whim... no need to plan ahead.
it's the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) that drives a lot of the rudeness and inability to 'connect' with other people.
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bobosensei
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Post by bobosensei on Oct 16, 2015 10:40:32 GMT -5
I blame smartphones. In the 80s and 90s when you made plans you stuck to them. Even when cell phones became prevalent in the early 2000s people only used them in an emergency. But now that people can text or send a facebook message and they don't have to speak to you they will flake out whenever it suits them.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 16, 2015 10:42:45 GMT -5
That's another great point Tiny. I see that happening in my homeschooling groups all.the.time. There are tons of events/classes going on any given day and I see people committing to one and then commit to another and yet another. There were number of co-ops that were set up at the beginning of the school year and I keep seeing cancellations bc "oops, my kid really wanted to go on this trip" and "oh noooo, this outing sounds too good". That's why I never organize anything - I don't have enough time or sanity for that.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 16, 2015 10:51:16 GMT -5
It actually especially weird in MJ's case since the people on Meetup are supposed to want to ... meetup!
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 16, 2015 11:07:12 GMT -5
oh, I forgot clique-y. Still. Even though high school was 15-20+ years ago. There are people who I can pass in the hall at work that can't speak or even say "hi" and actively avoid my gaze. I wasn't aware that I became Medusa only when those people walk by! And these are people I've never talked to, so they don't know me to dislike me.
I'm starting to see that for a lot of people, Meetup is used for "back-up" plans. Like if you just want to do SOMETHING, sign up for an event. But if anything remotely better comes up, then just don't go. That annoys the shit out of me. I make sure to change my RSVP well in advance if I change my mind. Twice I was a no-show... the first time I was really sick and couldn't change my RSVP. I did message the group to let them know though. The second time I meant to cancel days ago but forgot. Whoops! I felt really bad after that though because I value manners and hate when that's done to me.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 16, 2015 11:08:31 GMT -5
I see clique-y both at work and with mommies. It's sad.
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Oct 16, 2015 11:10:34 GMT -5
People suck. That's my new favorite phrase It seems as a society we've forgotten how to be polite and courteous. What I really don't get, is when a friend flakes on me, I'm supposed to be ok with it. But when someone flakes on that friend, she gets all pissed that it happened to her. How do you not see that it's the same thing you just did?! Again, people suck!
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 16, 2015 11:12:36 GMT -5
don't get me started with moms. My moms Meetup is ridiculous. Basically if you're not a SAHM that can go to their Tuesday at 10:30am events, then you can eat shit and die. They have SOME weekend family events so I try to attend those. But God forbid I work full time during the week. I have been on the lookout for an active working parents playdate group, but they never seem to have any events.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 16, 2015 11:15:07 GMT -5
If both parents are working it's hard, as you know. So I think weekends you're just mostly trying to survive and prep for the disaster that is next week.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 16, 2015 11:21:08 GMT -5
don't get me started with moms. My moms Meetup is ridiculous. Basically if you're not a SAHM that can go to their Tuesday at 10:30am events, then you can eat shit and die. They have SOME weekend family events so I try to attend those. But God forbid I work full time during the week. I have been on the lookout for an active working parents playdate group, but they never seem to have any events. I am on the verge of joining local MOMs group. They have events for mornings, afternoons and weekends. May be look into that? I found that Meetups stay active for 5 minutes and then once people have to pay - poof, it goes
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violagirl
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Post by violagirl on Oct 16, 2015 11:54:29 GMT -5
I would consider someone not saying hi and especially someone averting their gaze to be an introvert and not take it personally. It's kind of like if you have a shy dog that takes a while to warm up to people, you can't go bouncing up to them and hug and pet them. It makes them extremely uncomfortable. Not that people are dogs, but some behaviours transcend species.
As the person who dreaded the Walmart Greeter and the Blockbuster Greeter (back in the day), I'm not super chatty especially saying hi and bye to every single person I pass in the office in the day. I can occasionally muster up a smile and nod, but oy to have to say good morning and cya later to everyone I pass is just...blerg.
Also, don't take that to mean that the person not responding to you is unfriendly toward you. Or that they do not notice your efforts (ok sometimes I dont' notice people if I am thinking about something). Another example, where we used to live, there was this old guy that was always walking on the side of the road. He obviously was brought up in the country, because he would give a little wave to everyone that went by. Just one of those kind of acknowledgement waves that countryfolk give. At first when we went by, we were like..that's a little weird because this is a main road and quite busy (generally you reserve waves like that for people who live on your street not just every joe schmo you meet). Then after awhile, we'd tentatively give a little wave back. Then pretty soon we were looking for Walking Man so we could wave to him. And wondering if he was ill and worrying slightly when we went by his house and didn't see him.
So dont stop putting yourself out there. Even if people are perhaps too shy at first to respond to you.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 16, 2015 12:20:33 GMT -5
One of the girls that averts her gaze is definitely NOT an introvert. She was in the "popular" gang here before she got married and had a baby. I see her talking to other people. Another one that does it isn't shy/quiet either - she just doesn't like me for whatever reason. She talks to and gets along with everyone else in our group but me.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Oct 16, 2015 12:37:36 GMT -5
One of the girls that averts her gaze is definitely NOT an introvert. She was in the "popular" gang here before she got married and had a baby. I see her talking to other people. Another one that does it isn't shy/quiet either - she just doesn't like me for whatever reason. She talks to and gets along with everyone else in our group but me. Just curious...did you have interaction with these folks before your divorce, and was it different at that time? Or have they frozen you out since then? Was there some incident that represents the changeover point, or has it always been like this? Not saying you did anything wrong or are deserving of their snotty schoolyard attitude. Just wondered if their behavior was a sudden thing.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 16, 2015 12:41:45 GMT -5
One of the girls that averts her gaze is definitely NOT an introvert. She was in the "popular" gang here before she got married and had a baby. I see her talking to other people. Another one that does it isn't shy/quiet either - she just doesn't like me for whatever reason. She talks to and gets along with everyone else in our group but me. Just curious...did you have interaction with these folks before your divorce, and was it different at that time? Or have they frozen you out since then? Was there some incident that represents the changeover point, or has it always been like this? Not saying you did anything wrong or are deserving of their snotty schoolyard attitude. Just wondered if their behavior was a sudden thing. girl #1 doesn't know anything personal about me - she's been icy to me the whole time I've been here girl #2 knows SOME personal stuff about me but not much. Another colleague and I were pregnant at the same time and started to get close but by the time I returned from mat leave Girl #2 decided that that colleague's only good friend should be her. Again, basically icy the whole time.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 16, 2015 12:59:51 GMT -5
It sucks but bitches are everywhere!
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Oct 16, 2015 13:00:30 GMT -5
Just curious...did you have interaction with these folks before your divorce, and was it different at that time? Or have they frozen you out since then? Was there some incident that represents the changeover point, or has it always been like this? Not saying you did anything wrong or are deserving of their snotty schoolyard attitude. Just wondered if their behavior was a sudden thing. girl #1 doesn't know anything personal about me - she's been icy to me the whole time I've been here girl #2 knows SOME personal stuff about me but not much. Another colleague and I were pregnant at the same time and started to get close but by the time I returned from mat leave Girl #2 decided that that colleague's only good friend should be her. Again, basically icy the whole time. Sounds like she is a jealous and insecure person. I am a pretty friendly person and don't have many problems talking to people but I really only have three VERY good friends. These are the people I can call when I am in a jam and they can call me. These type of people are rare and it takes a while to form this type of relationship. I became friends with all of these people through work. It is unfortunate that you haven't formed friendships at work. At the very least this gives you someone to shoot the bull with over lunch every now then. People can definitely be cliquey though especially at large companies. I have Mondays off from work so I attend a morning class at the gym. Most everyone there is either a SAHP or retired. It is VERY cliquey. I have been going to this class for several months and rarely does anyone acknowledge my existence. All the SAHMs stand around in their little groups before class starts. They hug one another every Monday morning, etc. It is actually very intimidating and I don't intimidate easily. It just appears as if they don't want anyone crashing their party and they don't make an effort to get to know anyone new in the room.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Oct 16, 2015 13:04:22 GMT -5
Just curious...did you have interaction with these folks before your divorce, and was it different at that time? Or have they frozen you out since then? Was there some incident that represents the changeover point, or has it always been like this? Not saying you did anything wrong or are deserving of their snotty schoolyard attitude. Just wondered if their behavior was a sudden thing. girl #1 doesn't know anything personal about me - she's been icy to me the whole time I've been here girl #2 knows SOME personal stuff about me but not much. Another colleague and I were pregnant at the same time and started to get close but by the time I returned from mat leave Girl #2 decided that that colleague's only good friend should be her. Again, basically icy the whole time. LOL. Could this just be a 'battle' of perceptions? Meaning something you did like not reciprocate an acknowledgement to Girl 1 or 2 resulted in them thinking that you HATE them?
Not that this is you and your coworkers... it's just an example:
I had a friend who was very, I don't know, sensitive? She got mad at me - to the point of giving me the cold shoulder and I had no idea why. I kind of shrugged it off - figured that whenever her panties got unbunched she'd say something or get over it, but she didn't. The tension in the group just kept building - so I flat out asked her what was wrong. She said "If I didn't know what was wrong SHE wasn't going to tell me." I stood there in stunned silence. She huffed off and continued to give me the cold shoulder. I resorted to cornering her and basically forcing her to tell me what Cardinal Offense I had committed that caused her to be so pissed at me. I said I felt that if I need to apologize I would - but NOT for some mysterious unidentifiable something. She finally told me that I had been rude to her at the Mall a couple of months before. She had said 'hello!' and I had not acknowledged her. It was like she didn't exist. At that point she assumed I was being pissy with her and she just escalated it. I was like-- what are you talking about? I don't remember seeing you at the Mall... why would I ignore you? Turns out, we did pass like ships in the night at the Mall - I didn't acknowledge her BECAUSE I DIDN"T HEAR HER HELLO OR SEE HER... it was loud and busy and I just didn't see her. I wasn't purposefully ignoring or snubbing her. She took it as a snub. We got past this - but she was just too high maintenance (reading in all sorts of stuff to mundane daily occurances) that she eventually stopped joining the group. I'm sure she thinks we all HATE her. We don't. We just don't understand her.
I have related this story to other people and they too have had someone take offense at something they were totally unaware of... It's kind of like a feud/grudge that's based on something that didn't really happen.
Another one from the work place - woman A really disliked having to bring work/stuff to woman B. Turns out woman B had 'reader glasses' - you know those kind that are half sized and sit on the edge of your nose? Woman B's job was mostly reading papers and looking at her monitor... both things that required her 'readers'. Woman A found it rude and condescending that woman B would look OVER her readers to speak to or acknowledge woman A whenever woman A came by with work or had to tell woman B something. Woman A was therefore frosty to woman B and woman B couldn't figure out why so just reciprocated the frosty ness. Woman B was a very nice person... she just had 'readers' and wouldn't always take them off when sitting and working at her desk when you'd come over.
Maybe you've got a case of dueling "body language and glares" going on? Versus any real reason for there being any dislike. Remember - people mirror back reactions.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 16, 2015 13:04:27 GMT -5
I recently reconnected with someone I went to college with and I was thinking "OMG, I have 3 friends now!"
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flamingo
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Post by flamingo on Oct 16, 2015 13:07:51 GMT -5
I recently reconnected with someone I went to college with and I was thinking "OMG, I have 3 friends now!" Ha! My DH and I were recently invited out for drinks on a friday night, and it was sad how excited we were. "OMG we have friends! And they want to hang out with us!" And by friends, I mean ONE co-worker who had stayed downtown late and didn't want to go to the bar alone. Yes, we are pathetic!
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 16, 2015 13:11:34 GMT -5
I'm not super-social and I know most people perceive me as an icy bitch, so I really don't want to be in the center of those big groups of girlfriends that hang out 24/7 and gossip but it is hard to find reliable friends who want to occasionally hang out and have common interests etc. It would be extra hard if I was living in an unfamiliar area since the friends I do have are "old" friends.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Oct 16, 2015 13:48:52 GMT -5
I am fairly social and can navigate my way through a crowd of new folks fairly easily. I just did it at ODS's Parents' Weekend and met a whole bunch of new folks. So, I am not exactly a wallflower or too awkward (at least I don't think I'm awkward, LOL). So, it's kind of funny how, here, at home, all of the parents I used to spend afternoons and evenings with for years at our kids' sporting events have faded into the fog. We had fun times, great conversations, even went out a time or two. But, for some reason, no one wants to convert it into anything more. I know folks are busy. I know stuff comes up. But, heck, I *am* that person who will help you bury the body and never tell a soul. I DON"T gossip. In fact, I usually shut it down (maybe that's my problem, LOL). I don't judge you by how clean your house is or how new your car is because, well, I am an obvious example of failing at those things. I'm not asking folks to spend gobs of money or have to get sitters or step out of their little bubbles. Let's go for a hike on our rail trail. Let's go out for coffee/wine. Let's do a firepit -- I'll bring drinks and snacks. We are "new" in town. We've only lived here 5 years, so I get that the cliques formed years ago in preschool. But, come on, I am so NOT going to steal your best friend. And, we don't even have to be that close -- just hang out and do stuff. I don't need to know all your secrets or faults, although I am happy to make new secrets with you, LOL. Oy. I find plenty to keep myself busy at home, so I'm not lonely. But add me to the list of adults who don't understand why making adult friends is so damn difficult.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 16, 2015 13:56:47 GMT -5
I recently reconnected with someone I went to college with and I was thinking "OMG, I have 3 friends now!" If you count siblings and spouses and family members across the ocean, I have 5! If you don't, you have 3 more than I do.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 16, 2015 14:03:19 GMT -5
I recently reconnected with someone I went to college with and I was thinking "OMG, I have 3 friends now!" If you count siblings and spouses and family members across the ocean, I have 5! If you don't, you have 3 more than I do.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 16, 2015 14:04:56 GMT -5
If you count siblings and spouses and family members across the ocean, I have 5! If you don't, you have 3 more than I do. I get along with my coworkers but don't see them outside work. I've always been the kind who was just fine with their own company so it doesn't bother. But if I count...... it seems odd. Yet I don't really feel like I'm missing out. Guess I'm good. ETA: Just kind of proves the point of how hard it is to make actual friends as an adult. I had some in school before we all scattered.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Oct 16, 2015 14:06:04 GMT -5
I get along with my coworkers but don't see them outside work. I've always been the kind who was just fine with their own company so it doesn't bother. But if I count...... it seems odd. Yet I don't really feel like I'm missing out. Guess I'm good. np - I take back the frowny
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