forcing someone to get mental help

[resolution]

I am really sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice to offer, just that she will be in my prayers.

[debthaven]

IME everybody is available at the beginning, but then people (understandably) gradually go back to their own lives and become less / unavailable.

So my best advice to you is that you need to find a manageable way that you can help for the long haul. 

I used to go every day, because I was off for 3 weeks the day after her husband killed himself. When my next semester started that became unsustainable (she lives 20 min away, so 40 min round trip). Then I went 3-4 times a week. Now I go 2-3 times a week. I bring her at least one very copious meal a week, sometimes two, the other time I bring fresh fruit. And as mentioned previously, I always text to ask her what she needs and pick up whatever that is (groceries, candles, printer ink, water filters, whatever). 

I wish you the best. Please feel free to contact me on PM. It's a long haul for somebody you love. If you do PM me please remember I'm in France so there's a 7-8h time difference between us. 

I struggled with a LOT of guilt at being less available once my second semester started up. Part of me felt I should just drop everything and be there for her. Then I decided it is what it is, I can only do the best I can, because I'm in it for the long haul. So over time, I've learned that I need to keep it manageable for me too, because for me, it's a very long term thing. 

ETA: I really waver about religion but I think you have to hope that your nephew is at peace now. I alternative between hoping our friend is and being furious at him. 

[mojothehelpermonkey]

Mar 2, 2016 19:01:52 GMT -5 @hickle said:

ETA: It is impossible to help somebody who refuses help (unless they are a threat to others or themselves, as other posters have mentioned). A very close friend committed suicide recently. I don't know what happened to your nephew (and I am not asking) but if the person is an adult, and not a threat, and they refuse to solicit or accept or even admit they need help, unfortunately, there's not much somebody else can do.

It is such a horrible painful thing.  If what you say is true, idk, I don't know that it brings any solace.

Thank you

My dad pretty much committed suicide by alcohol in front of my brother. It was sort of like that movie Leaving Las Vegas, except the Elisabeth Shue character was played by a combination of my brother and my dad's girlfriend. That was 11 years ago, and today both my brother and my dad's girlfriend are dong alright. Getting over something like that can be a slow process, but as far as I can tell, they are both back to enjoying most parts of life again. If you aren't sure about what to do, just try to make sure your sister has enoug h to eat and drink over the next few days (and run interference if other family members are upsetting her).

[haapai]

DAMMIT!

Maybe later I'll be able to offer condolences and urge you to take the advice of others and look after your sister, but right now I'm kinda pissed about the way this world works. 

It may help to remind yourself repeatedly that you cannot force someone to seek help.  Seeing or knowing that someone needs help isn't really the key that we like to think it is. 

I'd also like to mention that predicting who is in serious trouble and who is in danger of death is a tricky thing.  I've lived around folks that have serious problems and I'm pretty crappy at predicting who is at the most risk.  I don't understand how the ones that we were most worried about are still alive and the ones that appeared relatively stable aren't here any more. 

[Bonny]

I'm really sorry Hickle.

I can only say that feelings of both sadness and anger are very common and normal.

[Pants]

hickle- I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the losses that have come before. I am sorry for your sister, and I hope you can come together to help her through.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry Hickle...you and your family have my sincerest condolences.

[mollyanna58]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[TheOtherMe]

Condolences to your sister and you.

This sounds very  recent.  After my mom passed, I went to a grief support group.  They wouldn't let you join if the death was just a few weeks in the past.  Two of the women their had lost their children to suicide.  Three women had lost their husbands to cancer and three of us had lost a parent.  I'm not sure who had more anger, those who lost husbands to cancer or the mothers who lost their child to suicide.  In going to the group for 8 weeks, I saw a lot of healing of that anger. 

If there is a support group in your area, they can help her deal with her feelings.  However, she has to want to go and want to do some hard work with her grief.

[Deleted]

thank you to everyone for the sympathy and prayer.

[taz157]

Mar 2, 2016 20:14:57 GMT -5 @shabbona said:

I'm so sorry Hickle...you and your family have my sincerest condolences.

[Tiny]

I'm am so sorry for you and your sister, Hickle. My condolences.

Grief can be a tricky thing - people have expectations of what it's 'suppose' to be or not be and how they are suppose to act/re-act or not. Sometimes people think that 'grief' can be 'fixed' and that everything will then be OK. But, there are somethings in life that can't be 'fixed' or 'worked thru to being done' they can be 'patched' or 'made better' but they are never back the way they were. There are things in life you just have to carry. This isn't bad or wrong. It just is. It does get better, but you aren't ever the same - again it's not bad or wrong. You learn to make your way thru life again. That's the way life is sometimes.



There's actually a lot on the topic of grief (and it's many many variations) on line. Doing a google and then choosing pages (sometimes with an open mind, while also realizing that some of the more obscure pages may be whooey or have an author with an agenda) may be helpful to you and maybe to your sister -- If you don't want to go to counselling or find a group. Sometimes just reading/knowing that you aren't alone with the particular grief/anger/whatever is enough to help with the healing process.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

I am very sorry for your loss.

[Works4me]

Mar 2, 2016 22:06:09 GMT -5 taz157 said:

Mar 2, 2016 20:14:57 GMT -5 @shabbona said:

I'm so sorry Hickle...you and your family have my sincerest condolences.

[lund]

My condolences, Hickle.

Also so sorry to hear about the other sad things happening to you and your relatives.

I don't think that there is much to do when somebody refuses help. Even if you manage to get the person committed, it is usually only for some hours. And somebody drinking or drugging is highly unlikely to stop due to outside pressure (there may be forced pauses).

As for your sister, you can suggest counseling or support groups both for losing family members and for the childhood abuse. If it is needed, getting help to get from victim to survivor can be valuable. Your texts sound as if you keep in touch with your sister, listen to her, and suggest what she can do if she feels so inclined.

Does she have other children nearby? If not, perhaps you can try to do things together with you and your daughters if you/they don't live too far away from her.
I am thinking about relatively inexpensive but nice things like visiting for a cup of coffee, having dinner at home together, going to church together, visiting a zoo/museum/botanical garden/local concert/local sports event/local park together.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

I'm so sorry Hickle.

[Artemis Windsong]

I am sorry for your loss.  May all of you find comfort, love, and healing.