mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Sept 22, 2015 23:06:25 GMT -5
We had a sorta unspoken rule in our house and it worked pretty well the majority of the time. Nothing's perfect; however, we made it a practice not to "talk shop" for 30 minutes after we got home. If one of us was angry, that one took a shower and changed clothes while the other prepared a meal. Then, we ate. After that, the one needing to talk was welcome to sing out. We found by the time the upset partner cleaned up and ate it was a lot easier to have a rational discussion about the problem.
As I said, nothing's perfect. There were time when, for one reason or another, it wasn't possible. However, those times were rare once we committed ourselves to the idea of a short respite before discussing unpleasant things. It's worth a try.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 23, 2015 10:21:14 GMT -5
I don't know... it is difficult to prepare meals in the shower, and cleaning up after cooking would just make me angrier!
These same people that like to work themselves up tend to be the same people who simply cannot handle ANY encroachment on their preferences. They "feel attacked" when you mention something that you have every right to mention, and that they quite frankly need to look past their own selves and deal with. I think that is a big part of the general issue.
At the end, I'm finding the best way to put out fires is to starve them through lack of fuel. Certain fires are very discerning about what constitutes fuel. Other fires consume anything and everything.
It is beautiful because in a sense, it is the only way to reclaim control of the situation. When the game is rigged against you, then you minimize your losses by declining to play.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 23, 2015 10:24:39 GMT -5
I don't know... it is difficult to prepare meals in the shower, and cleaning up after cooking would just make me angrier! These same people that like to work themselves up tend to be the same people who simply cannot handle ANY encroachment on their preferences. They "feel attacked" when you mention something that you have every right to mention, and that they quite frankly need to look past their own selves and deal with. I think that is a big part of the general issue. At the end, I'm finding the best way to put out fires is to starve them through lack of fuel. Certain fires are very discerning about what constitutes fuel. Other fires consume anything and everything. It is beautiful because in a sense, it is the only way to reclaim control of the situation. When the game is rigged against you, then you minimize your losses by declining to play. Beware of the no fuel technique with the wife, at some point she'll start taking your lack of response (if it's personal vs work ticking her off) as you not caring about her at all. Just some food for thought.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 23, 2015 10:36:07 GMT -5
...:::"Beware of the no fuel technique with the wife, at some point she'll start taking your lack of response (if it's personal vs work ticking her off) as you not caring about her at all. Just some food for thought.":::...
I get what you are saying. This was mentioned before.
I suppose I could preface it by saying "when you are ready to talk in a civil manner, I'm happy to listen" (or words to that effect). Maybe that will make the point, maybe it won't. Then it is on her if she chooses to interpret that as me not caring at all, vs. me just not wanting to be yelled at. The biggest problem with trying to have any kind of conversation with a worked up person is that they aren't thinking. They are attacking. You CAN'T reach them. ANY obstruction is perceived as a counter-attack, which just makes them madder and more motivated to win.
Part of me is also just trying to be a better person. If someone wants to really get into theatrics, I could make almost anyone look like a newborn kitten next to me. And when your goal is to out-angry the other person, you both pretty much have no choice but continuously escalate. Bad things happen when two people continuously escalate and feel they can't back down... things you can't ever undo. I don't want to be that guy, or end up where that guy ends up.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 23, 2015 10:48:39 GMT -5
...:::"Beware of the no fuel technique with the wife, at some point she'll start taking your lack of response (if it's personal vs work ticking her off) as you not caring about her at all. Just some food for thought.":::... I get what you are saying. This was mentioned before. I suppose I could preface it by saying "when you are ready to talk in a civil manner, I'm happy to listen" (or words to that effect). Maybe that will make the point, maybe it won't. Then it is on her if she chooses to interpret that as me not caring at all, vs. me just not wanting to be yelled at. The biggest problem with trying to have any kind of conversation with a worked up person is that they aren't thinking. They are attacking. You CAN'T reach them. ANY obstruction is perceived as a counter-attack, which just makes them madder and more motivated to win. Part of me is also just trying to be a better person. If someone wants to really get into theatrics, I could make almost anyone look like a newborn kitten next to me. And when your goal is to out-angry the other person, you both pretty much have no choice but continuously escalate. Bad things happen when two people continuously escalate and feel they can't back down... things you can't ever undo. I don't want to be that guy, or end up where that guy ends up. I understand not wanting to be screamed at, and unless the screamer wants to do the changing, you have a problem. At work, the "civil manner" will probably work well. After all, you look like the reasonable one and that's a good thing at work. At home will depend highly on how willing she is to hear it. Or, like you said, if she even CAN.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 23, 2015 10:57:57 GMT -5
...:::"After all, you look like the reasonable one and that's a good thing at work.":::...
I have become acutely aware of how important it is to appear the "reasonable" one and to have the crowd on your side. People LOVE taking others down, and will go out of their way to do so if they are motivated enough. You could be completely right, but handle it wrong, and you'll be the one who gets the trouble. It also seems to help to be the instigator, not the reactor, since the reactor tends to bear the brunt.
For those who "can't" [won't] hear things... there is so little to be done. Why even waste the breath. I can say nothing and lose, or I can say "something" and lose even more. I have been saying for years: when all roads lead to "mad", I might as well at least do what is fun for me.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Sept 23, 2015 11:02:54 GMT -5
I wish you luck with the one who "can't" hear you. I'm the screamer in the house and I've been working for ages on improving it. I have, but I had to be willing to try. Nothing helps if they don't care about changing it. Sorry.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Sept 23, 2015 12:03:06 GMT -5
I don't know... it is difficult to prepare meals in the shower, and cleaning up after cooking would just make me angrier! These same people that like to work themselves up tend to be the same people who simply cannot handle ANY encroachment on their preferences. They "feel attacked" when you mention something that you have every right to mention, and that they quite frankly need to look past their own selves and deal with. I think that is a big part of the general issue. At the end, I'm finding the best way to put out fires is to starve them through lack of fuel. Certain fires are very discerning about what constitutes fuel. Other fires consume anything and everything. It is beautiful because in a sense, it is the only way to reclaim control of the situation. When the game is rigged against you, then you minimize your losses by declining to play. I agree with you about starving a fire. I really do. If that seems uncaring, I guess it sort of is. I don't care to listen when someone is having a fit and I, most generally, will not. That doesn't mean I don't care about the person.
I wouldn't, I suppose, use some of the language you are using here, tho. Words like "control" and "losing" suggest it's all about getting the upper hand. That's not the way it is for me usually. It's more about maintaining peace and civility in my life - which I insist on. If that means I "lose" some and "win" some or if that means I'm not always in control...that's ok, too. I can control myself (usually). I'm not interested in controlling anyone else. My goal has been met and I'm not going to worry about any of the other stuff.
Kudos to you for giving this some hard thought.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 23, 2015 20:08:29 GMT -5
I also enjoy standing there looking at them like they're the village idiot. Making sure they see my expression of disgust and contempt of their asinine behavior. When they're done spewing and spouting off, I ask them if they're done acting like rabid beast and are willing to talk now. If they continue the performance, applauding can begin.
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