8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 11, 2015 11:28:52 GMT -5
We've all been there. Someone is getting increasingly (often disproportionately) agitated at something that most people would consider not even worth noticing. Yes, everyone has something that is a big deal to them, but still. The person is getting more and more vocal and difficult, so you try to stop the explosion and you say those two four letter words "calm down". In doing so, the person's anger level has now doubled, and you are the prime target. Talk about an ROI... 2 syllables and you've increased and drawn the brunt of the reaction. You've managed to express in 8 letters, that his/her feelings don't matter, that you are telling him/her how to feel, and that he/she is a nuisance.
So when someone is flaring up, how do you calm them down? Do you fight fire with stone by just waiting it out and/or walking away? Do you try to fight fire with explosives by telling them to STFU NOW at the top of your lungs? Do you fight fire with a gentle spring rain by doing the whole "I know, this is so unfair, this is absolutely wrong and you are right..." kind of coaxing?
I'm just curious what others do. I've tried all 3 and I'm not sure any one works all the time.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Sept 11, 2015 11:32:25 GMT -5
I listen to them rant.
Telling them to calm down just pisses people off more. Walking away most of the time just irritates the person. Fighting back just escalates the situation. So I find listening to the person rant, staying calm myself works the best. Often I think people just need to get their frustration off of their chest. If they feel that you understand why they are frustrated and you listen to them, then I find that generally they calm down by themselves. Eventually they run out of steam. After they've run out of steam then I can help resolve the issue.
One, caveat, when I'm the customer and someone is ranting like a manic, I always walk away (or hang up and try someone else). No need to spend extra energy on someone so unhappy.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Sept 11, 2015 11:34:17 GMT -5
I tell my wife to calm down all the time. Then she.... oh I see your point.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Sept 11, 2015 11:45:55 GMT -5
I work(ed) with some very volatile people (and am married to one who should be learning better). After a lot of counseling, my stock phrase is 'I need you to not yell at me' and PROMPTLY walk away. It takes some people several times to get this one thru their heads. You state what YOU need and the break off the situation. Now, in some of the circumstances, my response is 'I need you to take a walk around the building, come back, and we'll take a look at this situation again', then I literally turn my back on them and become engaged in something else. After a year of this, I had the mellowest, steadiest crew (250 people) in the plant. That being said, its best to learn strategies on how to defuse the situation BEFORE it reaches this stage. But some people.............its 0 to 60................
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Sept 11, 2015 11:48:40 GMT -5
It completely depends on the situation and the person. They may just be venting. You may have to walk away if you're the target- which only works if it's not justified. You might have to get in their face. It all depends.
I hung up on a supervisor once. Not mine, but a coworker slightly higher up the food chain. He was coming unhinged about one of my employees. I listened for about 5 minutes then realized we were getting nowhere because nothing would have sufficed him short of firing her (and it was something really minor). I told him before hand that I was going to hang up on him, which pissed him off even more. Then I ended with " We'll talk later, I'm hanging up now" and did it. Later that day, he called back and asked if I was ok. I told him I was fine and HOW was he. He said he wished he worked for me so he didn't have to worry about getting fired when he screwed something up. I told him that I wished he worked for me too, so I could fire him and not put up with his shit. There was dead silence on the phone then he busted out laughing saying " damn woman, you got some balls.". We got along just fine after that and never had any more issues in the 15 years we worked together.
At home, we all pretty mellow so it's pretty easy to spot when someone is getting cranky. It's the unwritten rule that you leave the room. Give them some space. We all do it. I could tell DH was simmering about something a couple weeks ago. I told DS- Don't poke the bear- because I had a feeling it would go towards him.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Sept 11, 2015 11:50:26 GMT -5
You don't tell them to calm down. That just infuriates them more. I don't get in their face, as it usually doesn't work either and escalates things rather than calms them down.
I found one of 2 things work best, depending on the situation. You let them rant until they have gotten it out of their system (this usually works best in private), or in public you redirect their attention elsewhere.
The other thing that I found is that if you find that their voice is getting loud, speaking softly works well too. It forces them to calm down and listen because they have to strain to hear you. I used to use this on one of the PIs I worked with. The louder he got, the softer I made my voice until he was talking at a normal level.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 11, 2015 11:50:31 GMT -5
Yeah, I don't think telling someone to "calm down" is helpful. I think you just need to indicate that you hear what they are saying. Find something to agree with. Yes, I can see this situation is very upsetting to you, etc".
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Sept 11, 2015 11:52:52 GMT -5
I usually just take their side to a disproportionate level and force them to tell ME to calm down.
Wife: "I can't believe that so-and-so did this and blah blah blah" Me: "Yeah, what a fucking bitch, we should find out where she lives and slit her throat" Wife: "What the fuck is wrong with you? It wasn't THAT big of a deal" Me: "Yeah, probably not that big of a deal. What's for dinner?"
Or if she's getting riled up at me I just ask her if she's on her period because she's really being an emotional psycho. I don't like to delay the inevitable explosion so I just egg it on to get it over with sooner.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Sept 11, 2015 11:53:19 GMT -5
You don't tell them to calm down. That just infuriates them more. I found one of 2 things work best, depending on the situation. You let them rant until they have gotten it out of their system (this usually works best in private), or in public you redirect their attention elsewhere. The other thing that I found is that if you find that their voice is getting loud, speaking softly works well too. It forces them to calm down and listen because they have to strain to hear you. I used to use this on one of the PIs I worked with. The louder he got, the softer I made my voice until he was talking at a normal level. This is a very common and VERY effective de-escalation technique. In a work setting - especially in hospitals, public offices and social service settings - they (we!) teach structured de-escalation techniques to employees. Our favorite is pro-ACT, but there are others. There are also several good books on the subject.
You've also gotten some good advice here already .
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Sept 11, 2015 11:58:39 GMT -5
I usually think of this in the context of happening at work because I don't gravitate to people outside of work who flare up over little things. As others mentioned empathizing with them (not agreeing but something like "I see your point") and letting them vent is usually the best way. There's a fine line though between venting and gossiping and I don't want to get involved in gossip because that doesn't end well. If someone is having a meltdown and keeps getting more fired up again I want nothing to do with that and will excuse myself from the conversation.
One of the things I'm always working on is my communication skills and I attend seminars and training that deal with difficult conversations, difficult people and different personalities. The last presenter gave great examples and one of his big ones was letting people vent (not gossip), empathizing with them and talking low when they start to talk louder because then their reaction is to lower their volume.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 11, 2015 11:58:57 GMT -5
I don't think you can tell someone to calm down. That just doesn't work.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Sept 11, 2015 12:02:07 GMT -5
Totally depends on the situation. I often use the speak softly, make them strain to hear you technique, as well as the calm "Please don't yell at me," or the slightly more aggressive "Why are you yelling at me??" The tune out and nod works well if they are mad at someone else and just venting.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2015 12:05:03 GMT -5
It depends on who it is and what's going on. For me, it usually doesn't go over well if the person that pissed me off is the one that tells me to calm down.
Not too long ago, I had 2 male coworkers get into a very loud argument. I wasn't even near them, but I could hear the commotion. I walked over and they were yelling such terrible things to each other, I seriously thought someone was going to start swinging. I grabbed one of them by the arm and kept walking, telling him to come with me. He let me tug him outside and I was able to get him to calm down. It turned out that the argument had started over nothing and escalated quickly. I don't know what I would've done if he'd told me to get my hands off him lol.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Sept 11, 2015 12:19:19 GMT -5
I tell people to calm down all the time. Drama happens at least once a day where I work. You either calm down or we are done here. No techniques - no nothing. Stop it or we are done here. Very simple. What happens next is their choice. I'll be your best friend and do whatever I can to help as long as you remain civil. You fail to do that, we are finished with business.
However, that's quite different than a personal situation where you will continue to live with this person after the blow up. Being told to "calm down" may feel like an invalidation of your feelings in a personal situation. Probably not the best thing. Still...I just walk away. Not going to listen to it.
Anybody else remember the "Everybody Loves Raymond" episode when he was trying to "help" Debra through her PMS? I laughed so hard, it hurt. Absolutely clueless.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Sept 11, 2015 12:26:43 GMT -5
It truly depends on the situation and the person.
My first response to someone who's already angry and or melting down into a tantrum is to remain cool - I keep my voice even and calm, I try to relax my body language. Basically, I'm hoping that they will 'mirror' my response. It's taken me YEARS of practice to do this - since my "first response" was mirror back their anger but YELL louder. I also mentally remind myself that "I am not the 'cause' of their emotional outburst - that they are in charge of their own behavior - NOT me"
If I know the person is prone to tantrums - I may just calmly ride it out. I might try for a sincere "There, There!" If the tantrum turns abusive to me I will give some polite version of "gee, you seem upset, how about I come back later and we can continue this discussion" as I walk away. If the person is always a general asshat and abusive I might contemplate telling them their behavior makes me feel like I should be talking to HR about "harassment".
I never use the words "calm down" - I can't seem to work them in without it sounding/feeling condescending.
FWIW: the first response usually does the trick. I have only applied the second response to one person (who would have given a 3 year old a run for having thrown the best "tantrum"...)
And then there was the Special Case:
Once and only once have I applied 'dog training techniques" to a manager (I'm not really sure she was 'human' - as she was EVIL). The Bitch Manager from Hell would wind herself up into a frenzy over the most insignificant things. She'd almost start barking and snarling and snapping. I had heard that you could sometimes get a dog to stop it's bad behavior by getting it's attention via a loud noise - by shaking a can with some pennies or pebbles in it something like that. Once, the BMfH was starting to froth at the mouth, getting louder and louder and more incoherent and starting to get unpleasantly verbally abusive, so after trying response 1 and response 2 (she refused to let me walk away - that's when the verbal abuse started!) I slammed my hand down loudly on the desk top and said "Hush!". The BMfH froze in shock. I then applied Response 2 again and walked out of her cube. I then headed to the bathroom and shook and had a good cry. I went back to my desk after that. Oddly enough after that the BMfH seemed to be much more 'civil' to me. We did work out the issue that pushed her into the tantrum in a strained but civil way.
I don't recommend the loud noise option to distract the person from their tantrum. I did it assuming it would be a career limiting move - but heck I was already ready to walk out of that job - so I took the risk.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Sept 11, 2015 12:28:35 GMT -5
If its an adult.... I just walk off. Its very difficult to rant if no-one is listening.
In the classroom, I just press a button and someone comes to take them away. Then I carry on as if nothing has happened.
I might try a few soothing tones.....but if that doesn't work....then actually no, I'm not reacting and not engaging... unless it is a normal conversation.
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PK Bucko
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Post by PK Bucko on Sept 11, 2015 12:31:58 GMT -5
Calm down. LMAO
In my experience, everything and nothing works to achieve this goal. The situations are subjective and the people are even more subjective.
Someone that has stepped beyond rational thought isn't coming back anytime soon.
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PK Bucko
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Post by PK Bucko on Sept 11, 2015 12:32:36 GMT -5
If walking away is a viable option, then it is the best option.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Sept 11, 2015 12:42:12 GMT -5
Absolutely! A tantrum in progress by someone very close to you is best handled a little differently than one being thrown by a relative stranger. I taught classes in how to handle difficult patients in the hospital but those techniques didn't necessarily work with my late DH, who had a hair-trigger temper. Knowing who you're dealing with is crucial, really, to coming up with the right method of dealing with a bad situation.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Sept 11, 2015 12:45:18 GMT -5
I used to work with students with behavior disorders. They were always fun but dealing with some of the other adults that came into contact with them could be a real challenge. Came across one of my students and the school principal in the hallway yelling at each other. I told the student to walk home and I would call her mom and told the principal to go to his office and deescalate himself. Another time one of my students was "discussing loudly" in the hallway with his girlfriend how displeased he was with her for having had sex with some other guy the previous weekend. The business teacher/assistant principal asked him to calm down. The student did not react positively. The teacher came to me later and told me that he was owed an apology. I told him I would work on getting him one. When I found the student, he was still very upset. I went back to the teacher and said it would be a while but I would still work on it. He started going off. I told him that he was as difficult to work with as my students and walked off. (He did eventually get an apology - from the student. )
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Sept 11, 2015 12:48:08 GMT -5
If its an adult.... I just walk off. Its very difficult to rant if no-one is listening.
In the classroom, I just press a button and someone comes to take them away. Then I carry on as if nothing has happened.
I might try a few soothing tones.....but if that doesn't work....then actually no, I'm not reacting and not engaging... unless it is a normal conversation. I used to be the person who came to take them away. Fun job.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Sept 11, 2015 13:09:14 GMT -5
I tell my wife to calm down all the time. Then she.... oh I see your point. You should try calm the fuck down next time.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Sept 11, 2015 13:30:34 GMT -5
I agree that telling someone to calm down usually has the opposite effect. When I worked in tech support and was dealing with customers who were losing their minds, I would just let them get it all out without interrupting to correct any misinformation or respond to any personal insults. After they were finished, I would sympathize and tell them what the next step would be for resolving the issue. Many of them probably just needed to vent and would be extra polite later. When dealing with coworkers who are just hot-headed jerks, I still try not to escalate anything or respond to personal insults. In these cases, I try to just calmly stand up for myself in a way that anyone overhearing the conversation will say that the hot-headed coworker lost it, but I kept my head. I try to do this even if I don't think anyone is listening.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 11, 2015 14:22:17 GMT -5
Some interesting ideas. I'm less worried about professional settings. Though in general "calm down" is something that is hard not to just let slip out.
The situations it has been most difficult with usually involve DW dealing with some affront, or me walking in the door when she has manufactured stress. I loathe when I walk in the door after work (or in one memorable instance, after a 3 hour drive) and am greeted with guns a blazing. I should have said nothing, and just gotten right back in the car and drove off.
It doesn't help that I'm wound tightly in general and don't react well to people in my face. It will take a LOT of training to master the "cool as a cucumber" non-response. All in all, I really want to get better at just standing stone-faced and unphased, and/or just leaving things to burn themselves out.
And yeah, once in a while, you need to react so disproportionately and destructively, that the other side backs down. But for that to work, you have to be 100% committed to scorching the earth.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Sept 11, 2015 14:25:54 GMT -5
I guess I could also look her hungrily in the eye and say "are you as turned on as I am right now?"
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2015 14:26:20 GMT -5
I agree that telling someone to calm down usually has the opposite effect. When I worked in tech support and was dealing with customers who were losing their minds, I would just let them get it all out without interrupting to correct any misinformation or respond to any personal insults. After they were finished, I would sympathize and tell them what the next step would be for resolving the issue. Many of them probably just needed to vent and would be extra polite later. When dealing with coworkers who are just hot-headed jerks, I still try not to escalate anything or respond to personal insults. In these cases, I try to just calmly stand up for myself in a way that anyone overhearing the conversation will say that the hot-headed coworker lost it, but I kept my head. I try to do this even if I don't think anyone is listening. As a customer, when I'm irritated with the company and not the individual I'm speaking to, sometimes I know my tone is all wrong and I apologize for it, and explain that my irritation is not directed toward the individual that is trying to resolve the problem. I don't know if that matters to them, because I'm still venting lol. If the person I'm talking to is the one that screwed up and they're nonchalant about it, I don't apologize for my irritation showing. I do still try not to be unnecessarily rude unless they're rude to me. I don't argue with my coworkers. I'm pretty good about ignoring their shenanigans and not letting them get me all worked up. If I feel I must say something, I say what I have to say and walk away. Several years ago I had a co-worker having a temper tantrum with me and I told her she was too old to be so silly and walked off. She was in her early 60's and a known trouble maker. I thought her head was going to pop off her neck when I said that, she got so mad. I ignored all her screaming and kept working. I couldn't see her, but I could still hear her. When the yelling stopped, I thought she'd calmed down. Nope, she'd gone and called the police on me lol.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 11, 2015 14:33:15 GMT -5
I was married to someone like that and I tried many different things. None worked. I finally told him to get in his car and go kill himself driving like a maniac somewhere. I think he's the one who invented road rage. That shocked the nonsense out of him-for a change. Now? I'd never put up with it. Take your pissy ass mood elsewhere. I'm not your whipping boy.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2015 14:39:51 GMT -5
Some interesting ideas. I'm less worried about professional settings. Though in general "calm down" is something that is hard not to just let slip out. The situations it has been most difficult with usually involve DW dealing with some affront, or me walking in the door when she has manufactured stress. I loathe when I walk in the door after work (or in one memorable instance, after a 3 hour drive) and am greeted with guns a blazing. I should have said nothing, and just gotten right back in the car and drove off. It doesn't help that I'm wound tightly in general and don't react well to people in my face. It will take a LOT of training to master the "cool as a cucumber" non-response. All in all, I really want to get better at just standing stone-faced and unphased, and/or just leaving things to burn themselves out. And yeah, once in a while, you need to react so disproportionately and destructively, that the other side backs down. But for that to work, you have to be 100% committed to scorching the earth. I don't know if the "cool as a cucumber" approach would help. I do that on purpose sometimes, even when I'm seething inside. When I do it deliberately, it's because it tends to piss people off even more if I don't seem bothered about whatever they're ranting about than if I engage. Not very nice of me, I know.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Sept 11, 2015 14:47:43 GMT -5
I agree that telling someone to calm down usually has the opposite effect. When I worked in tech support and was dealing with customers who were losing their minds, I would just let them get it all out without interrupting to correct any misinformation or respond to any personal insults. After they were finished, I would sympathize and tell them what the next step would be for resolving the issue. Many of them probably just needed to vent and would be extra polite later. When dealing with coworkers who are just hot-headed jerks, I still try not to escalate anything or respond to personal insults. In these cases, I try to just calmly stand up for myself in a way that anyone overhearing the conversation will say that the hot-headed coworker lost it, but I kept my head. I try to do this even if I don't think anyone is listening. As a customer, when I'm irritated with the company and not the individual I'm speaking to, sometimes I know my tone is all wrong and I apologize for it, and explain that my irritation is not directed toward the individual that is trying to resolve the problem. I don't know if that matters to them, because I'm still venting lol. If the person I'm talking to is the one that screwed up and they're nonchalant about it, I don't apologize for my irritation showing. I do still try not to be unnecessarily rude unless they're rude to me. I don't argue with my coworkers. I'm pretty good about ignoring their shenanigans and not letting them get me all worked up. If I feel I must say something, I say what I have to say and walk away. Several years ago I had a co-worker having a temper tantrum with me and I told her she was too old to be so silly and walked off. She was in her early 60's and a known trouble maker. I thought her head was going to pop off her neck when I said that, she got so mad. I ignored all her screaming and kept working. I couldn't see her, but I could still hear her. When the yelling stopped, I thought she'd calmed down. Nope, she'd gone and called the police on me lol. It does, or it did to me at least. At my previous job, I had to deal with more than a few very angry people who had every right to be livid with the company itself. After working there, I think I get even more annoyed with nonchalant customer service and tech support people. At least acknowledge that the company you represent really screwed up!
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Sept 11, 2015 14:49:02 GMT -5
Some interesting ideas. I'm less worried about professional settings. Though in general "calm down" is something that is hard not to just let slip out. The situations it has been most difficult with usually involve DW dealing with some affront, or me walking in the door when she has manufactured stress. I loathe when I walk in the door after work (or in one memorable instance, after a 3 hour drive) and am greeted with guns a blazing. I should have said nothing, and just gotten right back in the car and drove off. It doesn't help that I'm wound tightly in general and don't react well to people in my face. It will take a LOT of training to master the "cool as a cucumber" non-response. All in all, I really want to get better at just standing stone-faced and unphased, and/or just leaving things to burn themselves out. And yeah, once in a while, you need to react so disproportionately and destructively, that the other side backs down. But for that to work, you have to be 100% committed to scorching the earth.
I understand this one. My job is stressful. When I come home at night, I need just a bit to decompress. There is no way I could walk into the door to someone screaming at me. I guess I'd try, when things are calm, to explain that it's tough to discuss something and actually come up with solutions for whatever is wrong when I don't even get a chance to take my coat off before she starts in on something.
No way I'd put up with this. Marriage is a compromise and I fully understand that means both sides needs to give a little, but that would NOT include walking in the door after work to a temper tantrum. I would ask politely that it stop and if it didn't, there wouldn't be a next time. There are deal breakers in a relationship and to me, this is one of them. I would fully respect my spouse's need for decompression after work and I would expect him to do the same thing. I also would fully expect my spouse to be an adult and adults don't behave this way. Sure...there are exceptions and isolated incidents but as a rule? Nope.
This might help explain why I'm not married.
On the other hand, do you listen to her when she's NOT having a hissy fit? Is she feeling ignored unless she gets really angry? I'm not saying that's the case, but I pretty much feel that tantrums are learned behavior to get something. If she needs your attention and doesn't get it the normal way, maybe this is what is working for her. Perhaps try to fully listen when she's calm and see if that doesn't help to minimize the tantrums incidents. Everybody gets a bit too busy and tired to listen all the time, but maybe try to make it a priority - as well should she.
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