How DO you tell someone to calm down?

[hoops902]

::And yeah, once in a while, you need to react so disproportionately and destructively, that the other side backs down. But for that to work, you have to be 100% committed to scorching the earth.::

The key is that you do it when it's not directed at you, and you just take her side.  She thinks Becky is a bitch.  So you suggest that Becky is an uber-bitch and that you hope she gets AIDS.  And when she says "No I don't want her to get AIDS", you say she's right and that AIDS would be too good for Becky.  That people with AIDS can still live a long and prosperous life, and that what really needs to happen is that you go cut Becky's brake lines so that maybe you'll get lucky and she'll drive off a cliff to her immediate death.

The key is to be supportive to her, to agree with her point of view, and just escalate it way past her own comfort point.

I do this all the time when my wife is ranting about our dog (who she definitely loves more than me).  She'll complain the dog is being a psycho...which he rarely is.  That the dog wouldn't let her sleep because he was jumping around or something and just gets herself all worked up on the topic.  I just go immediately to "yeah, stupid dog, we should probably just have him put down, think how much more free time we'd have".  That's the quickest way to get her back to "What?  Nooooo, I love him.  We'd be so miserable, oh I love you puppy dog!"

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

The situations it has been most difficult with usually involve DW dealing with some affront, or me walking in the door when she has manufactured stress. I loathe when I walk in the door after work (or in one memorable instance, after a 3 hour drive) and am greeted with guns a blazing. I should have said nothing, and just gotten right back in the car and drove off.

She wants someone to vent to, and the fact that YOU think it's manufactured stress doesn't make it any less stressful to her.  It's important to her, and it sounds like you're trying to minimize it, make it not important because it's not important to you.  But it IS important to her and since it seems like you're blowing it off, you are essentially blowing her off as it's not important enough for you.

I can't begin to count the number of times TD has come in from work all pissed off.  I usually ask him which scotch he wants, and let him vent.  When he's got it out of his system, he's done.

Personally, when I didn't have anyone to vent to for my stress, I used to go to the gym and beat up on my body.  It helped contribute to my failing joints - so not really a smart thing for me to do.

[giramomma]

Sept 11, 2015 14:22:17 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Some interesting ideas.  I'm less worried about professional settings.  Though in general "calm down" is something that is hard not to just let slip out.

The situations it has been most difficult with usually involve DW dealing with some affront, or me walking in the door when she has manufactured stress.  I loathe when I walk in the door after work (or in one memorable instance, after a 3 hour drive) and am greeted with guns a blazing.  I should have said nothing, and just gotten right back in the car and drove off.

It doesn't help that I'm wound tightly in general and don't react well to people in my face.  It will take a LOT of training to master the "cool as a cucumber" non-response.  All in all, I really want to get better at just standing stone-faced and unphased, and/or just leaving things to burn themselves out.

And yeah, once in a while, you need to react so disproportionately and destructively, that the other side backs down.  But for that to work, you have to be 100% committed to scorching the earth.

Have you tried boundaries with her and communicated them to her? Ask your wife, exactly what she wants from you?

Have you said to your DW "I need to come home and not be assaulted. Could you please give me 15 to (read the paper, mediate, poop, what have you), and then I would be happy to listen to you vent/problem solve, etc."

Or, could you find something relaxing that the two of you can do together after work.."Hon, I'd love to hear what's bothering you. Why don't we try to relax together by (insert something here) for a few minutes before hand..

Or could you simply say "Know what, hon, I HATE coming home every day. How can we fix this?"

My DH knows not to hit me up with all the household fires immediately when I get home. But, by the same token, I'm trying to get involved with the kids as much as I can so he gets a break. I get to hear about all the fires eventually.

If your wife is looking for engagement, and your a non-responsive stone, it's just going to make things worse. She will just escalate her behaviors.

Really, until you two communicate better, it seems like your best solution is to leave your house for a little bit. But, I would be clear about why you are doing it, and what your wife needs to do so you can be there for her.

If she chooses not to change her behavior, well, that's on her then.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"She wants someone to vent to, and the fact that YOU think it's manufactured stress doesn't make it any less stressful to her. It's important to her, and it sounds like you're trying to minimize it, make it not important because it's not important to you. But it IS important to her and since it seems like you're blowing it off, you are essentially blowing her off as it's not important enough for you.":::...

The "walk in the door" was an example, not a norm.  I think that has happened twice, but they were also the most extreme examples.   One was me after a 3 hour early morning interstate drive.  You do NOT greet someone who just drove through NJ AND MD with acrimony!  You might get cut!  "Manufactured stress" is me being mean, because in that particular instance, it was totally unjustified.  All she had to do was 3 simple chores, which should not have taken more than 45 minutes.  SHE decided to scope-creep them into multi-hour ordeals.  She may have been mad at herself and decided to take it out on me, in which case whispering "I need you to stop yelling at me, so we can get to work" might have been better.

I do listen, she doesn't need a tantrum to get my attention.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Once again to be very clear: I am not assaulted daily upon returning home (especially since we both work).  THAT I wouldn't stand for.  I'd either change the occupants of MY home, or select an alternative home to return to.

[Spellbound454]

I used to be the person who came to take them away. Fun job.

I'll bet.

I deal with teenagers all the time and losing your temper is not an option.

....but I wont be manipulated and have my lesson ruined by someone throwing a tantrum.

So, best if they just leave the room. Leadership come in..... and quietly tell them to collect their bags.

They soon calm down if they don't have an audience.

Kids are strange creatures though. Even the most disruptive can mature and end up being delightful.

So tomorrow is always another day.

[Robert not Bobby]

Always try to empathize...with soft calming words. If that doesn't work, well, something more, blunt. But not deadly, not at all.

[Spellbound454]

She may have been mad at herself and decided to take it out on me,

Extreme tiredness is never a good place to start a rational discussion when all you want to do is flop down and put your feet up.

I'd have asked her to stop......and then sloped off somewhere with a.. We can talk about this tomorrow but for the moment I'm exhausted.

[NoNamePerson]

Sept 11, 2015 11:34:17 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

I tell my wife to calm down all the time. Then she.... oh I see your point.

Didn't you tell a pEEp on another thread to calm down? And the response was   

[mroped]

I'm not very good at listening to people that go on a rant.
Is not that I don't care for their problem but that they typically speak so fast that I have hard time keeping up and understanding the problem.
So, about two years ago, I had this 18 years old kid working for the summer and one day he comes and starts yapping about something, very loud, very fast and early in the morning.
I listened to him for a couple minutes while I was getting stuff ready, when he finished he said "so what do you think?" at which I answered: " Go fuck yourself! I lost you 30 seconds in and I have bigger problems! Now, get in the truck!"
on the road he explained to me in a calm voice what the problem was and we took care of it.
From there on, when he had something to say he said it in a calm voice!

[zibazinski]

I usually throw cold water on hysterical people. That gets their attention! If they're going to froth at the mouth like a rabid dog, well, let's give them something to froth about!!

[zibazinski]

I find that immature and childish. It's one thing to get mad about something, vent for a minute, then move on. No way would I be subjected to some tirade about anything unless I had really F'd up and I deserved it, as in i went off bar hopping with my girlfriends acting all single while DH was home worrying about me being dead in the road. I deserve a chewing for my lack of consideration. Of course I wouldn't do it, either. It sounds like someone with a maturity issue. Im not a fan of abuse and this is abuse.

[Deleted]

Sept 11, 2015 11:28:52 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

We've all been there.  Someone is getting increasingly (often disproportionately) agitated at something that most people would consider not even worth noticing.  Yes, everyone has something that is a big deal to them, but still.  The person is getting more and more vocal and difficult, so you try to stop the explosion and you say those two four letter words "calm down".  In doing so, the person's anger level has now doubled, and you are the prime target.  Talk about an ROI... 2 syllables and you've increased and drawn the brunt of the reaction.  You've managed to express in 8 letters, that his/her feelings don't matter, that you are telling him/her how to feel, and that he/she is a nuisance.

So when someone is flaring up, how do you calm them down?  Do you fight fire with stone by just waiting it out and/or walking away?  Do you try to fight fire with explosives by telling them to STFU NOW at the top of your lungs?  Do you fight fire with a gentle spring rain by doing the whole "I know, this is so unfair, this is absolutely wrong and you are right..." kind of coaxing?

I'm just curious what others do.  I've tried all 3 and I'm not sure any one works all the time.

First you tell them you are there to help them.
Then you put yourself in their shoes and you say something like "if I thought someone did XYZ to me, I would be upset about it too".
Then you discuss or work together to solve the problem. Or you might need to tell them you have to investigate something, depends on the situation.
Finally you get back to them with the solution to the issue.

If you deal with this issue routinely, you want to take a seminar on DE-FUSING customers. The one I am thinking of I believe originated from IBM education program. 

I am afraid that each of the 3 ways you listed would actually inflame the situation. 

[Pants]

The response is very different depending whether or not it's a conflict involving you or just something external. If DH is mad at me, or we are mad at each other, and the conflict is escalating, I frequently say something along the lines of "We are both very upset/you seem very upset. I would like to talk about this, but I don't want to get into a yelling match. Let's take a few minutes and we can talk about this when we are ready to do it without yelling." It acknowledges that there is a problem, validates feelings, but also makes it clear that you're not going to be pulled into a shouting match.

DH and I will frequently solve arguments via email, even in the same house, because it allows you to respond to the other person calmly. I am also more comfortable putting feelings into writing, which allows me to problem-solve and reconsider before sending, vs out loud where I say things I can't take back.

[Anne_in_VA]

Sept 11, 2015 13:09:14 GMT -5 Cookies Galore said:

Sept 11, 2015 11:34:17 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

I tell my wife to calm down all the time. Then she.... oh I see your point.

You should try calm the fuck down next time.

Literally LOL at that!  If I had liquid in my mouth it'd be all over the screen!

[happyhoix]

The only person in my life who has melt downs like this is my little sister, who comes unhinged at the smallest things.

I used to just sit and listen to her rant about how hard her life is, how mean people are to her, how everyone is trying to screw her over (Mom required everyone in the family to cater to her) but after about 30 years of that I finally told her she wasn't the center of the universe and she needed to get over herself.

That did not go well at all.

There are just some excessively dramatic people in the world. That's just how they are wired. You either sit and listen patiently to them or tell them where to get off and end your relationship with them.

[Tennesseer]

One poster, months back, said it was acceptable to open-handed slap a woman across the face to get their attention to calm down.

[resolution]

Sept 11, 2015 15:36:16 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"She wants someone to vent to, and the fact that YOU think it's manufactured stress doesn't make it any less stressful to her. It's important to her, and it sounds like you're trying to minimize it, make it not important because it's not important to you. But it IS important to her and since it seems like you're blowing it off, you are essentially blowing her off as it's not important enough for you.":::...

The "walk in the door" was an example, not a norm.  I think that has happened twice, but they were also the most extreme examples.   One was me after a 3 hour early morning interstate drive.  You do NOT greet someone who just drove through NJ AND MD with acrimony!  You might get cut!  "Manufactured stress" is me being mean, because in that particular instance, it was totally unjustified.  All she had to do was 3 simple chores, which should not have taken more than 45 minutes.  SHE decided to scope-creep them into multi-hour ordeals.  She may have been mad at herself and decided to take it out on me, in which case whispering "I need you to stop yelling at me, so we can get to work" might have been better.

I do listen, she doesn't need a tantrum to get my attention.

If it has only happened a few times, probably the best bet is to get her a drink and let her vent for a little while. We all have an occasional stressful day and part of marriage is being there for the other person when they need support and a friendly ear.

If it is more regular, just let her know you need a little time to decompress after work and say you can discuss it over dinner or some time later that evening. You can also set up a routine when you get home from work. My husband's routine is if he needs to decompress from work he will putter around in his garage workshop for a while. Once he comes in the house I tend to talk his ear off, since I am alone all day.

If it is all the time and you can't take it any more, then you should sit down and have a serious discussion with her. Don't do this at the time that she is upset and wanting to vent. Do this at a neutral time when neither of you are upset. Make sure you aren't blaming her or accusing, but express to her in terms of how it makes you feel and why. "When you do X, it makes me feel Y, because of REASON."

[Peace Of Mind]

How DO you tell someone to calm down?

Behind a bullet proof partition or glass.   

I only read some of the first page but will agree it NEVER helps any situation to say that to a heated person.

If somebody is freaking out normally (not being a raging asshole or bitch) I let them get it out and make sure they know I'm listening to them before I try to reason with them or discuss the situation further.

If they are being a raging asshole or bitch I'll simply say "Feel better now?" and walk away from them until they are ready to act like an adult. 

If it's with DH that's what he does with me so that's how I know what to do. 

[mojothehelpermonkey]

Sept 14, 2015 8:42:32 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

One poster, months back, said it was acceptable to open-handed slap a woman across the face to get their attention to calm down.

Yikes! Did that person forget that you can just walk away, or were they using their imagination to think of an extreme example where a women needed to be slapped to prevent her from hurting herself or others.

[zibazinski]

I find throwing cold water to be more effective.

[mojothehelpermonkey]

Yikes indeed! I agree with zibazinski that throwing cold water would be the more rational response.

[mojothehelpermonkey]

This is how I handled my ex when he became angry and irrational over something very minor:
I cowered in the corner and apologized over and over again for something that wasn't my fault until he calmed down. Then when I was no longer stuck in a hotel room with him, I told him it was over and never looked back. I wish I could have just slapped him, but then I think that story would have a different ending.

[zibazinski]

Sometimes even placating these assholes isn't enough.thats one of the reasons I don't tolerate any verbal abuse. I don't care if you had a shitty day. No frothing at the mouth and ranting and raving at me.

[mojothehelpermonkey]

Looking back on my relationship with that terrible ex, I think the hotel incident was just the stop that I got off on a train that was heading from verbal to physical abuse. I am so glad we didn't live together and that I wasn't dependent on him in any way because after seeing him have a tantrum like a 180 pound child, there was no way I could ever feel the same way about him again. He was one of those guys who would tell me I was too independent like it was an insult. Thinking about it just makes me appreciate my new SO even more.

[imawino]

All I've read is the title question, so excuse me if it's already been said. The answer, simply, is that you don't.

[zibazinski]

Yup, unless I've done something wrong, I'm
Not dealing with immature tantrums.

[8 Bit WWBG]

OK we are so not considering physical violence as a means of spousal relations.

I'm definitely giving more attention to my own reactions and keeping my calm so as to not escalate the situation.  I'm becoming a big fan of refusing to argue minutiae and just reiterating the outcome I want.

[zibazinski]

I'm going to assume we are talking about something that happened at work or with another person and your loved one just needs to vent. I had to listen to DH vent almost every night about the guy I finally fired. But if he was going off on me about some thing I did or didn't do and just kept it up, well, I have two feet, and I'm not dealing with it. Now that I'm not in that kind of situation anymore, I wonder that I ever put up with it for even a minute but looking back, it's so gradual that you just put up with it, until you don't. Had I not had two kids and been in a more independent situation, I'd have dumped him the first time he pulled that shit. But those kind of people are clever and sneaky. They wait until they feel they've got you under their thumb, then they start their shit. Consider yourself warned.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I got a chance to try out another technique -- making sure not to add energy to the situation.  The other person was rapidly enraging and feeding off herself.  I just spoke in a controlled tone and apologized repeatedly.  Things ended better than they could have.

Earlier in the week I also got to use the "things are OK until they aren't" (it was not with DW).  I let a lot of things slide.  When the line was crossed, I exploded.