When to nag someone about acknowledging a gift?

[Bonny]

Remember I don't have kids.

I sent my niece a set of pearls my mother gave to me when I was about my niece's age (17). USPS says package delivered on the 19th. I've heard nothing yet.

To give perspective, my mother would not let us wear, play or cash a check before we wrote a thank you note. I still maintain that policy for myself today.

Niece has my e-mail and cell #.

What would/do you expect?

[Lizard Queen]

IMO, go ahead and nag. People are awful about that kind of stuff these days.

[swasat]

I say go ahead and nag.

You sent her a gift, it's been more than a week with no reply. I'd just start with a neutral "note" that sounds more like enquiry about the delivery "did the gift actually get deliverd on time?"

[zibazinski]

Omg. If I'd have given a gift like that and not had it acknowledged itd be returned to me pronto. I don't give valuable gifts to children. DD is 26 and I'm still not giving her my grandmas pearls because she's not mature enough.

[TheOtherMe]

Aug 25, 2015 17:55:55 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

IMO, go ahead and nag. People are awful about that kind of stuff these days.

Agree.

Not even my own niece and nephews acknowledge gifts.  We agreed they were too old for gifts.  Now I just give to my great nephew and niece and get no thank you of any kind. 

My mother taught me better and I know my sister taught her kids better.  When they lived at home, I would get thank yous in written by them in the mail immediately after the gift arrived. 

[kittensaver]

I agree with swasat. You probably can't get away with outright asking for a Thank You , but you can probably gently prod the recipient by asking if the package was delivered, because (by gosh) it was valuable and you want to make sure it didn't go astray . It may or may not provoke a Thank You, but it *might* ping on her conscience to pay attention to her social manners? Maybe/maybe not .

[giramomma]

We ask our kids to do thank yous within two weeks of receiving the gift/party.

We also make our kids write out thank yous. We don't print out a thank you such that all our kid has to do is sign their name.

While I do appreciate folks' generosity, sometimes a response written the next day isn't possible. We're starting school. The amount of extra crap we've had to do in the past few weeks has been astounding. It's not going to settle down until mid September. I had two different school meetings today at DS and DD1's school.

Is your niece a senior or Junior?

[kittensaver]

FWIW, when we were kids my mother used to threaten us with no dinner on New Year's Day unless she had our Christmas thank you notes in her hands for mailing by or before then. It always worked to get us off our backsides and get it done  .

[quince]

Just check verbally or by a quick text to make sure she got it.   You can nag if you want, but I don't think nagging is appropriate. She absolutely should have contacted you somehow to thank you for the gift, but eh. I don't give gifts for gratitude, I give them because I genuinely want someone to have something from me.

I honestly hate thank you notes. I think they are stupid and a waste of time. Saying thank you is NOT a waste of time, and you should call and thank someone for a gift. To me, writing a note is a way to get out of having a conversation (which means it is something that I actually do, because I hate talking to people.)

My family didn't do notes growing up, but we always received gifts in person, and thanked the giver appropriately. 

If someone doesn't want to gift me or my family without a handwritten note...no loss. I also dislike gifts, so it  is actually kind of a win-win for me.

When my kid gets old enough to understand, I will explain to him to always thank the giver of a gift, one way or another, and that some people are sticklers for written thanks, and he gets to decide if he wants to thank verbally and deal with the consequences, or thank in written form. 

[kittensaver]

Aug 25, 2015 18:46:29 GMT -5 quince said:

Just check verbally or by a quick text to make sure she got it.   You can nag if you want, but I don't think nagging is appropriate. She absolutely should have contacted you somehow to thank you for the gift, but eh. I don't give gifts for gratitude, I give them because I genuinely want someone to have something from me.

I honestly hate thank you notes. I think they are stupid and a waste of time. Saying thank you is NOT a waste of time, and you should call and thank someone for a gift. To me, writing a note is a way to get out of having a conversation (which means it is something that I actually do, because I hate talking to people.)

My family didn't do notes growing up, but we always received gifts in person, and thanked the giver appropriately. 

If someone doesn't want to gift me or my family without a handwritten note...no loss. I also dislike gifts, so it  is actually kind of a win-win for me.

When my kid gets old enough to understand, I will explain to him to always thank the giver of a gift, one way or another, and that some people are sticklers for written thanks, and he gets to decide if he wants to thank verbally and deal with the consequences, or thank in written form. 

We were always taught that if you were given the gift in person, it was sufficient to verbally thank the person right then and there. If the gift was sent to you, it needed to be acknowledged with a thank you note. I wonder what the etiquette books say . . . hmmmm . . . .

[Bonny]

Aug 25, 2015 18:36:41 GMT -5 giramomma said:

We ask our kids to do thank yous within two weeks of receiving the gift/party.

We also make our kids write out thank yous. We don't print out a thank you such that all our kid has to do is sign their name.

While I do appreciate folks' generosity, sometimes a response written the next day isn't possible. We're starting school. The amount of extra crap we've had to do in the past few weeks has been astounding. It's not going to settle down until mid September. I had two different school meetings today at DS and DD1's school.

Is your niece a senior or Junior?

A senior.

She's going to be in a world of hurt if she doesn't get this stuff down soon. <Bonny shakes her head>

[Bonny]

Aug 25, 2015 18:49:28 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

Aug 25, 2015 18:46:29 GMT -5 quince said:

Just check verbally or by a quick text to make sure she got it.   You can nag if you want, but I don't think nagging is appropriate. She absolutely should have contacted you somehow to thank you for the gift, but eh. I don't give gifts for gratitude, I give them because I genuinely want someone to have something from me.

I honestly hate thank you notes. I think they are stupid and a waste of time. Saying thank you is NOT a waste of time, and you should call and thank someone for a gift. To me, writing a note is a way to get out of having a conversation (which means it is something that I actually do, because I hate talking to people.)

My family didn't do notes growing up, but we always received gifts in person, and thanked the giver appropriately. 

If someone doesn't want to gift me or my family without a handwritten note...no loss. I also dislike gifts, so it  is actually kind of a win-win for me.

When my kid gets old enough to understand, I will explain to him to always thank the giver of a gift, one way or another, and that some people are sticklers for written thanks, and he gets to decide if he wants to thank verbally and deal with the consequences, or thank in written form. 

We were always taught that if you were given the gift in person, it was sufficient to verbally thank the person right then and there. If the gift was sent to you, it needed to be acknowledged with a thank you note. I wonder what the etiquette books say . . . hmmmm . . . .

I generally follow up a verbal with a written thank you.

It's coming in handy as MIL is becoming more and more forgetful...and claims people have stolen from her.

I also should add that my aunt cut everyone off from gifts because she said that no one sent "thank you" notes. I know I did but I think she wanted an excuse to stop giving gifts. Sheesh, just say you don't want to give gifts anymore-don't make up stuff or tar me with the others.

[giramomma]

Aug 25, 2015 19:04:22 GMT -5 Bonny said:

A senior.

She's going to be in a world of hurt if she doesn't get this stuff down soon. <Bonny shakes her head>

I have one client that is a senior. She's been working on college applications over the last week. She wants to see what colleges she gets into with early acceptance. Between that, a few jobs, and activities, she's beat, actually.

The actual school year doesn't start for her until Sept 2.

[quince]

I believe etiquette books say that it is appropriate to address me as Mrs. husbandsfirstname husbandslastname.   It isn't.

Be nice to people.  If they give you something, be grateful thank them for it. If they forget to thank you for something, and it isn't a pattern of behavior, chalk it up to lost-in-the-mail/cyberspace/airwaves or they forgot because they are overwhelmed/dealing with a tragedy/horribly ill.  If it is a pattern of behavior, decide if you are giving because you want to give, or because you want them to be grateful, and adjust your behavior accordingly.

[honeysalt]

I can buy that she hasn't had time to send a thank you note.  I cannot buy that she hasn't had time to text you.  Given her age group, she has probably sent out dozens (if note more texts). 

I don't have kids either, but I am very generous with a couple of my friends kids. 

As far as what I expect?  Nothing...I live far away from them and don't have a strong relationship with the kids directly.  However, I have been pleasantly surprised.  I sent a high school kid some money for a school trip abroad.  He sent me a thank you text, a thank you note and then sent me pictures afterwards.  My other friend has her kindergarten age daughter draw me pictures (I love them, they stay on my fridge until I get a new piece of artwork) as thank you notes. 

Gratitude is such a gift for the giver and the receiver.  If you have a relationship with her that would allow you to help her build the skill of expressing gratitude, go for it. 

[Bonny]

Aug 25, 2015 19:25:04 GMT -5 quince said:

I believe etiquette books say that it is appropriate to address me as Mrs. husbandsfirstname husbandslastname.   It isn't.

Be nice to people.  If they give you something, be grateful thank them for it. If they forget to thank you for something, and it isn't a pattern of behavior, chalk it up to lost-in-the-mail/cyberspace/airwaves or they forgot because they are overwhelmed/dealing with a tragedy/horribly ill.  If it is a pattern of behavior, decide if you are giving because you want to give, or because you want them to be grateful, and adjust your behavior accordingly.

I'm afraid it may be a pattern of behavior. Two years ago I sent her a necklace from my grandmother. When I called her about it (didn't hear from her) she had been wearing ever since she got it.

Last year I sent a ring that was mine and my brother made a video and sent it to me (during her sweet 16th birthday party).

I have a lot of nice stuff that I would like to gift her but I'm concerned. She's a nice kid but to get somewhere in this world she's got to have some manners.

[CCL]

Only a week? That doesn't seem long to me at all, but you probably won't get one anyway. My kids are the only ones we know who send thank you notes.

It shouldn't matter, but maybe she doesn't see a string of pearls as valuable or special, old - fashioned or something? 

[Ryan]

It's a little surprising she hasn't sent a message saying she got it, but she is only 17.  Maybe she thinks it's weird that you mailed it and didn't give it to her in person?      

[CCL]

Aug 25, 2015 19:04:22 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Aug 25, 2015 18:36:41 GMT -5 giramomma said:

We ask our kids to do thank yous within two weeks of receiving the gift/party.

We also make our kids write out thank yous. We don't print out a thank you such that all our kid has to do is sign their name.

While I do appreciate folks' generosity, sometimes a response written the next day isn't possible. We're starting school. The amount of extra crap we've had to do in the past few weeks has been astounding. It's not going to settle down until mid September. I had two different school meetings today at DS and DD1's school.

Is your niece a senior or Junior?

A senior.

She's going to be in a world of hurt if she doesn't get this stuff down soon. <Bonny shakes her head>

Or maybe not? They all seem to survive, regardless.

[wvugurl26]

I would check with her. I sent a card and cash for my cousin's confirmation after Easter. A week or so went by and nothing. I checked with my aunt. Turns out her husband checked the mail the day the card arrived and tossed into a pile. No one got their mail that day!

Has your niece been taught better by her parents?

[whoisjohngalt]

Why would you nag her??  Especially since you already know who she is when it comes to this issue.  Do you REALLY think your nagging with change anything?

If it bothers you - don't send her gifts.   Why do you think it's your job to teach her manners?

[Deleted]

My father is no longer in my life due to this very reason. One of my kids didn't thank him in a time-frame he decided was necessary and started telling the entire extended family they were ungrateful and then started including information about my personal financial life. Haven't talked to him since. And, I don't ever plan to again.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I second everything giramomma said. 

As you, Bonny, I also require my children (as my mother did my sisters and me) to write out the notes prior to use of the gift. However, that doesn't mean it happens that day. I would say we try for within a week, and then it might take me a day or two to mail it. We have been known to hit a two week mark once or twice.  



For another 17yo's schedule: 
My daughter who is a senior has since Monday morning at 7:30am, spent 16 hours at her school helping with registration, five hours at cross country practice, an hour walking the dog, and at probably and hour of chores. Now, that doesn't mean she didn't have any time at all to write a thank you note, but if neither I nor my husband reminded her to, there's no way she'd remember on her own. That's just normal teenage mentality. 

[quince]

Maybe don't phrase it as nagging her, since you're worried about how her etiquette will affect her future.

If you're close enough to her to have a discussion, talk to her about acknowledging gifts, in a method that the formality of which is inversely proportional to the closeness of the giver. How some people are fine with casual thanks, others require formal, and in business settings, erring on the side of anal retentiveness is good.

I think it is considered bad etiquette to call someone out on THEIR bad etiquette, but if this isn't about being a stickler for good manners, and more about concern for the impression she will make, approach it as such.

[Gardening Grandma]

I would nit nag her. I **would** ask brother if she'd received it becuase you had not heard from her. Maybe HE would nag her and you'd be the "good aunt".

I have the same issue with my grandchildren. Last week I took my grandson to lunch for his 20th birthday and gave him a check for $100. He did say"thank you".  Today he texted me asking if I'd cosign an apartment rental. I said "No, sorry"

[Shooby]

I would text her and say just ask her if she received the gift and say you hope she is enjoying it. For me, I am fine with getting any type of thank you. A text message or phone call is fine with me. I don't need a handwritten letter. It's nice, but I personally think a text or phone call is much more personal, just my opinion.

[skubikky]

Aug 25, 2015 20:48:37 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Aug 25, 2015 19:25:04 GMT -5 quince said:

I believe etiquette books say that it is appropriate to address me as Mrs. husbandsfirstname husbandslastname.   It isn't.

Be nice to people.  If they give you something, be grateful thank them for it. If they forget to thank you for something, and it isn't a pattern of behavior, chalk it up to lost-in-the-mail/cyberspace/airwaves or they forgot because they are overwhelmed/dealing with a tragedy/horribly ill.  If it is a pattern of behavior, decide if you are giving because you want to give, or because you want them to be grateful, and adjust your behavior accordingly.

I'm afraid it may be a pattern of behavior. Two years ago I sent her a necklace from my grandmother. When I called her about it (didn't hear from her) she had been wearing ever since she got it.

Last year I sent a ring that was mine and my brother made a video and sent it to me (during her sweet 16th birthday party).

I have a lot of nice stuff that I would like to gift her but I'm concerned. She's a nice kid but to get somewhere in this world she's got to have some manners.

  I do agree that it would be good form for her to have contacted you and let you know that she received it and perhaps a thank you.

That being said.   What kind of relationship do you have with this niece?   Do you spend time with her?  
Do you actually know her very well?   If you want to be close and be given considerate treatment that is often predicated on the type of relationship you have if there isn't a parent there requiring her to exercise good manners.

Also, those "things" that you call "nice stuff" might not necessarily be seen that way by a 17 year old.
You see it as giving something of great value and she might not see it's value as you do.  This doesn't excuse her not getting in contact just some insight.

[Bonny]

I sent an e-mail last night asking if she received the package.

To answer a few questions;

This is my brother's youngest and only girl (out of 5 kids). They live in San Diego and I am up in the SF Bay Area and therefore 500 miles away. Giving a gift in person isn't a practical option.

I'm fine with e-mail, text or handwritten note. Although after saying that I do think that for items with a lot of personal or sentimental value, a handwritten note is the most appropriate. I understand that's just me and a message that I would advise her gently and in person.

She does seem to value these older, more personal items. If I understand correctly, she didn't take off my grandmother's locket for at least a week.

Her life has been somewhat chaotic. Her father is my only sibling and I've written many times about what a financial trainwreck he is. He left his children's mother to hook up with an old high school girlfriend when my niece was 11. My brother and the former girlfriend have been now married for about four or five years. My niece and her brother (my nephew with whom I've had very little contact) stayed with my brother and to my brother's credit, he's done everything possible to keep them both in the same school. This is no easy feat given his bad credit (500s) and how often he appears to pay the rent late. FWIW the new wife does seem to be a good influence, possibly a more stable personality than her mother.

If you recall, when I was her age I had the task of making the 5 hour RT to the Los Angeles area to deliver the cashier's check to the Trustee keep the family home from being foreclosed upon. I know from personal experience that she's going to have a hard go of it if she doesn't maintain some strong relationships outside of the immediate family and make her own way in the world. In order to do that I believe that learning some social skills and manners are critical. Is it my job to teach her those skills? No, but I do believe that it's my job to reinforce good behavior that she's already been taught.

ETA: Frankly I'm concerned about her. And given what I went through I'd like to be a steady influence in her life. I wish I had an aunt that had been concerned about me but given that everyone lived 3,000 miles away and had their own lives I understand that wasn't a practical option.

[Gardening Grandma]

Bonny, She is lucky to have you for an aunt.

[Bonny]

She got them and loves them. Has never had pearls before.

Got to work on getting her to respond promptly with a "thank you" note/text/e-mail but got to figure out how to do it tactfully since I doubt I'll see her until November.