Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Aug 26, 2015 17:54:39 GMT -5
There is the issue with promptness and type of response. If I'm doing a quick text, that can be immediate. A hand written note requires a card, an address and postage, all of which can dramatically increase the amount of time it takes to get back to you. Just saying'
But yeah, it's probably just inadequate parenting here. I complain about my brother, but at least his kids will say thank you in person. My niece will just apologize for her son and thank me for him. IMO, the niece is great, but her boy is a spoiled brat.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 28,113
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 27, 2015 19:10:45 GMT -5
Take her under your wing, Bonny, as it sounds like she probably isn't going to learn these skills at home. If you are fond of her, help her learn the ways of the world. She will appreciate it later on in life.
|
|
sarcasticgirl
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 14:39:51 GMT -5
Posts: 5,155
Location: Chicago
|
Post by sarcasticgirl on Aug 28, 2015 15:00:11 GMT -5
I have this same issue. My niece is 13 and while she says thank you and is very grateful in person, she lives in Houston and I live in Chicago and when I send something in the mail, I generally never hear a word. Honestly, I blame my sister. I have told my sister more than once that it bothers me when I have to call and find out if what I sent made it to her. I have bought plane tickets, sent money for camp, sent clothes, cards, homemade cookies, etc. and I only get a THANKS when I call to find out if what I sent actually made it.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 28, 2015 15:28:25 GMT -5
I have this same issue. My niece is 13 and while she says thank you and is very grateful in person, she lives in Houston and I live in Chicago and when I send something in the mail, I generally never hear a word. Honestly, I blame my sister. I have told my sister more than once that it bothers me when I have to call and find out if what I sent made it to her. I have bought plane tickets, sent money for camp, sent clothes, cards, homemade cookies, etc. and I only get a THANKS when I call to find out if what I sent actually made it. Ugh. Yes, your sister should have taught her manners. Being reminded one time that you were rude and unappreciative is usually enough. After that, it's on the person who is being rude. I find ending gift giving solves the problem. Usually the recipient could care less and never realizes their own behavior ended the gift giving.
|
|
CCL
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 19:34:47 GMT -5
Posts: 7,711
|
Post by CCL on Aug 28, 2015 17:36:48 GMT -5
You could always ship the item with a tracking number if you are only worried about whether it arrived or not. That won't teach them manners though.
|
|
emma1420
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 28, 2011 15:35:45 GMT -5
Posts: 2,430
|
Post by emma1420 on Aug 29, 2015 10:49:27 GMT -5
It sounds like you may need to be the person who gently reminds her (next time you talk to her), that it's important for you to know that she received the gift and that she likes it. She probably hasn't been taught that, so you may need to be the person who does that.
My BFF has four kids that I occasionally send gifts to. She is good (although not always timely), about letting me know that the gifts arrived. She also has her kids draw me pictures occasionally (her kids are 6 months, 2, 5, and 7...so she has her hands full). But, in the end I don't mind if I don't get a thank you every time, because I know she appreciates that I think of her kids. Additionally, when I visit her (she lives 3 hours from me), her kids always show off the things I've bought them. All I really care about is that her kids like what I get them.
Compare that to my brother, SIL, and niece and it's a whole different world. I rarely get an acknowledgment that a gift has been received. I've never received a drawing or s thank you card from my niece. I figure that is something I will need to try and instill in her (along with encouraging her to get some training to support herself as my SIL is telling her being a mommy who stays home is all she needs).
|
|
8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
Posts: 9,322
Today's Mood: Mega
|
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Aug 29, 2015 12:50:25 GMT -5
Is the thank you going to mean anything at this point? I'm not perfect when it comes to that stuff either, but I don't get much given to me these days. Perhaps instead just adjust your gift giving.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 29, 2015 13:41:51 GMT -5
I'm so glad my kids retained their manners. DS never says anything but DD tells me she gets complimented by people she meets to whoever she's meeting them with. As in she not only knew to bring a hostess gift to the mother of the guy who asked her to a party honoring his grandmother's birthday but she knew to bring flowers to grandma. Grandma and mother both told son/grandson not to let her get away!!! That's a good feeling to hear that. DS uses his manners even to me. Thanks me in person then emails a thank you. That works enough for me.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,459
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Aug 29, 2015 19:44:10 GMT -5
You could always ship the item with a tracking number if you are only worried about whether it arrived or not. That won't teach them manners though. I do ship with a tracking number so that's why I knew it had been delivered.
And I'm sure she's been told. This is just bad manners on her part.
I got an apology and a "I've been working full time this week and I'm not used to working this hard" e-mail.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,459
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Aug 29, 2015 19:47:21 GMT -5
I have this same issue. My niece is 13 and while she says thank you and is very grateful in person, she lives in Houston and I live in Chicago and when I send something in the mail, I generally never hear a word. Honestly, I blame my sister. I have told my sister more than once that it bothers me when I have to call and find out if what I sent made it to her. I have bought plane tickets, sent money for camp, sent clothes, cards, homemade cookies, etc. and I only get a THANKS when I call to find out if what I sent actually made it. Ugh. Yes, your sister should have taught her manners. Being reminded one time that you were rude and unappreciative is usually enough. After that, it's on the person who is being rude. I find ending gift giving solves the problem. Usually the recipient could care less and never realizes their own behavior ended the gift giving. I'll use my "Three Strikes and You're Out" policy. If the next round of gifts aren't acknowledged then I'll stop.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 28,113
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 29, 2015 20:16:40 GMT -5
My grandma had a 12 children, so a ton of grandchildren. Her only income was the lowest social security and any gifts she received of money from her children. She gave each of us $2 for our birthdays. If it was given in person, it was fine to just tell her thank you. If she mailed it, we wrote her thank yous. This was back in the 50's and 60's.
When my generation had children, she stopped giving to us and gave to the great grandchildren. They got $1 because there were even more of them. I know DS made her 4 children write Grandma thank yous. She gave to that generation right up until her death.
|
|
cronewitch
Junior Associate
I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:44:20 GMT -5
Posts: 5,979
|
Post by cronewitch on Aug 30, 2015 5:21:30 GMT -5
I never write thank you notes but never get gifts except in person. I therefore don't get up upset not getting them as long as someone lets me know in someway they appreciate it. I don't care if it is in person or phone or message. I do think the more life changing gifts need a better thank you. Last month I gave my niece 16K and her son 6K and got a very nice thank you card from her and I am sure he will be sending one soon. I know they appreciated the gifts and they were money so I know they got them. I gave her a check and him money in his college tuition account.
I know my niece was thrilled to get 16K since she was in the middle of a bankruptcy and had to buy a home before that month was up or lose 100K from her house sale. She was going to borrow from her parents to have enough to pay cash for a condo but couldn't afford to pay loan payments. She was able to pay cash for the condo and her parents gifted her money to decorate it so now she has a place to live. Her son needed tuition money and couldn't find a cosigner and only had a week left. He told his mother that he was going to make me proud, he will be working two jobs this school year. He told me he appreciated the money but I gave him 10K last year and he didn't really understand that money wasn't just handed out. He didn't work his first year and just assumed financing would work out. Until he got in a bind he really didn't get it, now he does. The thank you note is nice but knowing he is maturing is better.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,459
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Aug 30, 2015 10:11:51 GMT -5
I would love to help my niece and nephews with providing matching "grants" to go to in-state colleges. I know how much I struggled (and how my grades suffered) because I essentially was working full-time and going to school full time. And I was supporting a boyfriend but that was a bone-head issue on my part.
I'd like my niece and nephews to avoid doing that to themselves but I'm not sure it's a realistic goal.
Besides our drop in income, DH is not a fan of helping out my brother's kids and doesn't see a "return" coming back to him. This is where I see a real issue with him being an only child and having no children. He sees no obligation to help the next generation.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 30, 2015 14:02:55 GMT -5
I get this from DH, too. It's one thing when he does for his kids. My kids? Another story.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,459
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Aug 30, 2015 16:22:42 GMT -5
I get this from DH, too. It's one thing when he does for his kids. My kids? Another story. My girlfriend gets this too from her DH2. He doesn't feel that her kids are his responsibility even though they have lived with him since they were about 10 & 12 (about 10 years ago) ...and their father died five years ago basically penniless.
My DH thinks that when we're old and helpless "nurses" will take care of us. He has no idea how bad things can be in Assisted Living facilities and how you need oversight.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 30, 2015 17:14:27 GMT -5
I'd like to remind DH of this when he acts like a selfish self centered poop
|
|
cronewitch
Junior Associate
I identify as a post-menopausal childless cat lady and I vote.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 21:44:20 GMT -5
Posts: 5,979
|
Post by cronewitch on Aug 30, 2015 17:41:25 GMT -5
I get this from DH, too. It's one thing when he does for his kids. My kids? Another story. My girlfriend gets this too from her DH2. He doesn't feel that her kids are his responsibility even though they have lived with him since they were about 10 & 12 (about 10 years ago) ...and their father died five years ago basically penniless.
My DH thinks that when we're old and helpless "nurses" will take care of us. He has no idea how bad things can be in Assisted Living facilities and how you need oversight.
I am hoping my nieces and nephews will do the oversight, one niece has said she will. She works for a nursing staffing for the elderly place and helped provide staff and oversight for mom. I get where the DH2 doesn't feel responsible for taking care of DH1's. They would get SS from the dad until 18 and he probably helped feed them but he isn't their dad. The kids may not even like him.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Aug 30, 2015 17:55:10 GMT -5
You might try just letting her know, Bonny, that when you send a gift you're always concerned that it get to her on time and undamaged. That's letting her know there's a good reason for acknowledging gifts that isn't even related to good manners. That way, she won't feel slighted or negatively judged, but will have a lesson in why things are done the way they are.
|
|
garion2003
Familiar Member
Joined: Feb 20, 2011 15:48:25 GMT -5
Posts: 758
|
Post by garion2003 on Sept 2, 2015 11:18:57 GMT -5
I'm at the age where the children of my friends are starting to graduate high school. The first two were last year, so I gave them each some money. I did receive thanks from each kid,via facebook. Probably the parents were involved but who cares
I sent my brother some money for his anniversary one year. Didn't hear anything, wondered if he even got the check. My parents did the same thing, sent a check. I think they had to call him to ask if he got it.
I'm not that aggressive..I just won't send another check
|
|
emma1420
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 28, 2011 15:35:45 GMT -5
Posts: 2,430
|
Post by emma1420 on Sept 2, 2015 12:07:56 GMT -5
I get this from DH, too. It's one thing when he does for his kids. My kids? Another story. My girlfriend gets this too from her DH2. He doesn't feel that her kids are his responsibility even though they have lived with him since they were about 10 & 12 (about 10 years ago) ...and their father died five years ago basically penniless.
My DH thinks that when we're old and helpless "nurses" will take care of us. He has no idea how bad things can be in Assisted Living facilities and how you need oversight.
My dad kind of feels this way about my step-siblings (one he's raised since she was about 10, the others were in college). But, all of my step-siblings have lived with my parents at one time or another (I'm the only kid who hasn't moved in with them!). So while he doesn't help support them financially he helps in other ways. I also don't think you can help out family with the hope they might help you out when you are older. Because often times they won't. My uncle is a great example. He's in his 90's and has outlived both his children and his wife. He has extended family. He was pretty well off (he had his very successful business), and helped many people over the course of his life financially. The only people who come to see him are myself, another one of his nieces, and a family friend (and none of us visit as much as we probably should). All those people he helped? MIA.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,459
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Sept 2, 2015 16:01:48 GMT -5
My girlfriend gets this too from her DH2. He doesn't feel that her kids are his responsibility even though they have lived with him since they were about 10 & 12 (about 10 years ago) ...and their father died five years ago basically penniless.
My DH thinks that when we're old and helpless "nurses" will take care of us. He has no idea how bad things can be in Assisted Living facilities and how you need oversight.
My dad kind of feels this way about my step-siblings (one he's raised since she was about 10, the others were in college). But, all of my step-siblings have lived with my parents at one time or another (I'm the only kid who hasn't moved in with them!). So while he doesn't help support them financially he helps in other ways. I also don't think you can help out family with the hope they might help you out when you are older. Because often times they won't. My uncle is a great example. He's in his 90's and has outlived both his children and his wife. He has extended family. He was pretty well off (he had his very successful business), and helped many people over the course of his life financially. The only people who come to see him are myself, another one of his nieces, and a family friend (and none of us visit as much as we probably should). All those people he helped? MIA. Wow, that's a shame.
My parents were pretty hard on me but I was/am there for them. It's right thing to do.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Sept 2, 2015 19:28:55 GMT -5
Not weird at all. Very good manners.
|
|