jinksd1
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Post by jinksd1 on Jul 28, 2015 15:46:12 GMT -5
My husband died a month ago, very unexpectedly from a heart attack, in his late 30s. Obviously, it's been hard (very, very, very). However, one of the more challenging aspects has been dealing with his mother. Can I just vent here? I feel like a horrible mean person for all these bad thoughts about her, but I need to get them off my chest. This could be long, so get the popcorn. First, the one that's been bothering the most. I just found out last week that she was seen taking photos of DH in his casket at the wake. I find this so completely disgusting and disrespectful on so many levels. For one thing, DH would have been upset about it, had he been alive. We actually talked about it once, after I read about someone doing it on the internet, and neither of us could believe someone would do that. For another thing, what kind of f**ked up do you have to be to want pictures of your dead son in his casket? She's lucky I didn't see it happening, as I would have made her erase them on the spot. I saw her taking photos of the flowers near the casket when I walked in one time, and now I suspect that she quickly made it look that way so I wouldn't know what she was really doing. Then there's all the other inappropriate things she's done. While here (she lives out of state and came for almost a week), she was a nightmare to deal with. Before she even arrived, she informed me that she would have to "impose" on me (her word) to get her around and such. Sure, it's not like I have anything else to do...just a funeral to arrange, a house to clean, and a million details to see to. And oh, yeah, that crippling grief from losing my DH. She also expected me to entertain her while she was here, some of which I refused to do, but I didn't feel I could completely avoid spending time with her. One of the more awful things I had to put up with was having her make almost every single conversation about her late husband. For backstory, her husband died over five years ago, and she hasn't been able to move past her grief at losing him, and part of that has been constantly talking about him. Fine, but when your son dies, maybe don't constantly talk to your son's new widow about your long-dead husband. And I don't mean she talked about her DH's death or said sympathetic things about having been through something similar to what I'm going through, or talked about what kind of a dad he was to my DH, or spoke of how he would be torn up over losing his son if he were here. She just talked about their everyday life together in his last years, how he'd have been proud of the deal she got on her hotel stay while here, how he enjoyed his hobbies, what his personality was like, and on and on (things I've heard a million times over when we visited her). Perhaps it was her unique way of grieving her son, but if so, it's no different than how she's acted for the last five years since she lost her DH. I thought maybe for once she might develop a filter and some sensitivity and not make 90% of every conversation about someone gone for years. Five years from now, if someone I know loses their husband and in the week following that death I go into multiple 20-minute monologues about my DH to them while they sit there trapped in a restaurant and obviously miserable and not even responding, I hope someone slaps some sense into me. Then there's the thing she said when she got a sympathy card with money in it. "What should I do with the money? I don't want to profit off of his death in any way!" I guess she didn't realize that I would also be getting cards with money in them, and that I sure as hell don't see it as profiting off of my husband's death. People generally send money (and I've done it myself many times) to help offset funeral costs and/or last medical expenses (which combined will be over $16,000 in my case). Later, she was there to see me open some mailed cards with money in them, and she handed over the money that people had sent her, so I hope she realised how offensive she sounded when she said that. Sorry, this is long. I'll leave off some of the other things and end with this gem. While on the phone with her two nights ago, after talking about her husband some more, she said to me "At least you're young enough to find someone else". Hooray! That's just what I was thinking a month after the devastating loss of my DH at such an early age.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 28, 2015 15:50:17 GMT -5
So many hugs for you. I can't begin to place myself in your shoes.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Jul 28, 2015 15:51:43 GMT -5
jinksd1 - first off, I am truly sorry for your loss. Second, venting here is nice and safe, so please feel free to do so. Third, it sounds like you managed your MIL with an astounding amount of grace and fortitude. I'm sure your husband would appreciate it. Finally, don't forget to take time for yourself.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 28, 2015 15:52:39 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you lost your husband so young As for MIL, some people just have foot in mouth disease. If I'm being charitable, she probably doesn't know what to say and knows nothing will make you feel better. But she feels like the silence would be worse. That's what I'd try to write it off as anyway.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Jul 28, 2015 15:52:47 GMT -5
So many hugs for you. I can't begin to place myself in your shoes. so very much this. please absolutely come here and vent when you need to. we aren't all there in person with you, but we can still listen. sent from my electronic distraction
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jul 28, 2015 15:54:02 GMT -5
I'm so sorry to hear she made things worse for you. It sounds like you handled it gracefully. Now that she is back home, the distance should make things easier. You don't have to talk to her on the phone if you don't feel up to it. Use a machine to screen calls. And vent here all you need.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 28, 2015 16:00:39 GMT -5
This is a very difficult time and please accept my condolences on your loss. I agree with you about casket pictures. I find them very morbid and I can't imagine why anyone would want to take such pictures. However, she has and maybe that is her way to deal with his passing. But, if she shows them in your presence, I think you should feel free to clearly express that you never want to see those photos again or have them shown when you are with her.
As for some of the other things, you said she lives in another state. I think the other issues will sort themselves out. I am assuming you plan to maintain some relationship with her but I think you can do so in a way that is much more manageable when she returns to her home state. You can screen your calls and deal with her on your terms.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 28, 2015 16:01:48 GMT -5
I think it's an issue of transference; she may very well have not dealt with losing her husband, even after five years, and now another death; this one harder because no one is ever ready to bury their child. Yes, that was damned insensitive of her. And would be of anyone who said it to you. And more people probably will, unfortunately. I'm assuming she does not live near enough to visit often, so her visits, if any, will (hopefully) be infrequent. She needs counseling to deal with these tragedies. I'm not suggesting she is wrong to grieve under either circumstance, but she needs to do it in a way that does not burden someone who is also dealing with one of the same tragedies. That just makes it harder for everyone. Condolences to you and yours. -hug-She is a hurting soul, and so are you. You do sound better-equipped to handle it; her age, among other things, may have left her unable to work through things. She sounds as if her life just stopped when her husband passed away. Like she had little or no life aside from him. She may be isolated where she lives, and has yet to develop any friends or interests of her own, and so talking about the past is pretty much what she has. I'm not defending anything she did, mind you. Just musing on why she might have done what she did.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Jul 28, 2015 16:05:59 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your MIL sounds like she's really self absorbed and lacking in empathy and basic social skills. It sounds like you managed your interaction with her very well. There really isn't anything you can do to change people like that because they see nothing wrong with their behavior and are probably incapable of understanding that everything does not revolve around them.
I hope you are able to avoid her as you go through the process of grieving and learning how to live in your changed world.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jul 28, 2015 16:10:52 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2015 16:11:54 GMT -5
jinksd1 - first off, I am truly sorry for your loss. Second, venting here is nice and safe, so please feel free to do so. Third, it sounds like you managed your MIL with an astounding amount of grace and fortitude. I'm sure your husband would appreciate it. Finally, don't forget to take time for yourself. I don't think I could say it any better than that. Grace & Fortitude for sure!! I am so sorry that you lost your DH at such a young age. I can't imagine dealing with what you have been going through. I hope that you can maintain the strength you need for the coming months.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 28, 2015 16:14:12 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about your loss jinks. My grandmother was extremely insensitive during my grandfather's funeral. That's her personality and it unfortunately was not going to change for the duration of the funeral/wake. It started with planning the funeral. We all live in CB/downtown Omaha. She had the funeral in Papillion. When asked why she told me "that is where the family lives". Gee thanks for saying that to my face and in front of your son! Guess we don't count as family. To this day I still don't know who the hell we had to have that funeral in Papillion for. If they were that important shouldn't I, as his granddaughter, know these people? She made a big stink about a large rose arrangement an old family friend gave and how it was "too showy/tacky". She was standing right there when my grandmother said this and we know it hurt her feelings based on the look on her face. Geez grandma do you really think someone was trying ot tacky up grandpa's funeral? Then since my grandfather was a Marine they presented us with a flag. The marine knelt to give it to my brother and gave the speech starting with "On behalf of the cheif of command the president. .. " ALL THE WAY to the reception my grandmother kept talking about how much Obama sucked and how the marine ruined the funeral by mentioning him. Talk about tarnishing a high honor. Not once did they mention "Obama" They were talking about the OFFICE of the president for crying out loud. I'm still surprised there wasn't a second funeral that day. My dad wanted to kill her, my mom wanted to kill her. My brother didn't speak to her for awhile afterwards. I wasn't exactly endeared towards her either. I don't know what it is with people like your MIL and my grandmother that can't clue in that it isn't all about them during this time period and you need to have a little tact/grace/sympathy for others. At least your MIL appears to live far away and you can limit your contact with her. If need be play the grieving widow card for as long as you can. Yes she is grieving too but if she can't develop a little empathy then she needs to find someone else to commiserate with.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Jul 28, 2015 16:15:09 GMT -5
My condolences, jinksd1.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Jul 28, 2015 16:16:37 GMT -5
Vent all you want, we've all got broad shoulders and warm arms for hugs. No one can know the pain that you are going through right now, so let us be your support whenever you need it.
{{{jinksd1}}}
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 28, 2015 16:18:33 GMT -5
I forgot about the casket pictures. Honestly, I'd just let it go too. Some people seem to think it's an ok thing to do. My SIL lost her 15 month old son to brain cancer last summer and some of the family wanted to take pictures of him in his casket. They did ask permission though. She gave it with the condition that they be kept for personal viewing and not be shared on social media.
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jinksd1
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Post by jinksd1 on Jul 28, 2015 16:21:06 GMT -5
You will be in my thoughts. Do you have small kids? I don't remember. Neither of us had children. To be clear, she's not comparing her grief to mine when she talks about her husband. She just constantly talks about her DH and their life together (not his death or losing him), and has since he died. And she really hasn't talked much at all about losing her son. I know she must grieve him, but she seems to grieve her husband's loss much more (which I think is true...her son moved away as an adult, and they weren't all that close and didn't talk or see each other much). I just didn't need her making every conversation with me about her husband during the week of the funeral. It made me feel like she barely cared that her son died (which I know intellectually isn't true, but it felt that way), and that she didn't give a sh*t about how I felt or how insensitive she was being in an already difficult time.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jul 28, 2015 16:24:18 GMT -5
I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathy to you and your family. If there is a grief class offered, I would suggest attending. I don't know if this will help but distance yourself from MIL for a while. It's time to protect yourself, your emotions and try to heal.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 28, 2015 16:25:12 GMT -5
My sincere condolences on the loss of your DH, jinksd1. I'm so very sorry. The older part of my family (my mother's and father's parents and some siblings) always took pictures of their dead. It was some sort of tradition in the family, I suppose. My parents found it horrifying, as do I. I can understand your distress and I'd certainly let her know you don't want copies of the pictures; nor, do you ever want to see them or discuss them. She sounds like a person, as has been said, who just can't let go of the past. Rather than move on from her DH's death, she's decided to take up residence there. It's harder for some people to let go, I guess. Still, beyond courtesy, it's not your responsibility to be forced to listen to her babblings over, and over again. You've got every right to tell her, as kindly as possible, that it hurts you to discuss it at this time and that you're trying to move forward and grieve in your own way. At least, for now, she's gone home and you can control how much access she has to you. Take care of you. Grieving is an individual thing and we all need room to grieve in our own way, and in our own time.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 28, 2015 16:27:13 GMT -5
Jinks I'm so sorry for your loss. People can say the most insensitive things . Many years ago when my college boyfriend/soon-to-be-fiancé drowned in a swimming accident, people tossed that "you're young, you have time to find someone else" line at me and it made me want to scream and lash out. How DARE they be presumptuous of your feelings?!? People should just say "I'm sorry for you loss" and then shut their mouths. I'm so sorry you have to deal with a MIL who is so caught up in herself she has no notion of how to bridge your loss and create a meaningful relationship for the two of you.
Since you can't use MIL as part of your support system, OF COURSE you can vent here! I'd be happy to support you by reading anything you want to write.
Have you also considered finding yourself a young widows/widowers support group? I was not his widow, but I found the group to be comforting, supportive (none of that "my pain is worse than your pain" sh*t) and a great place to vent in person.
Many, many hugs going out to you . . . .
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jinksd1
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Post by jinksd1 on Jul 28, 2015 16:35:45 GMT -5
Your MIL sounds like she's really self absorbed and lacking in empathy and basic social skills. It sounds like you managed your interaction with her very well. There really isn't anything you can do to change people like that because they see nothing wrong with their behavior and are probably incapable of understanding that everything does not revolve around them. Yes, she has always been very self-absorbed. DH and I talked about it quite a few times. Even he needed breaks from her when we would visit. She kinda drives everyone around her nuts. This time, she took it to new levels, though.
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jinksd1
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Post by jinksd1 on Jul 28, 2015 16:37:22 GMT -5
Sorry for your loss, too. Yes, it's exhausting, both physically and emotonally.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 28, 2015 16:44:21 GMT -5
This time, she took it to new levels, though.
Maybe, maybe not. I was not thrilled with how my grandmother handled things but as time has gone on I realize I can point to multiple times in my life where she has been just as insensitve. But was different when it was my grandfather's funeral. I was grieving too and my emotions were in knots. Normally I can filter/tune out a lot of her crap but that day it was just glaringly obvious and impossible for me to ignore. She is who she is, I should have known better than to expect her to be able to turn off that part of her personality for one day. I'd say the same thing about your MIL. It may seem like she's being extra double insensitive/crass but in reality she's just as bad as always. You're still raw so you see EVERYTHING she does, especially without DH there to be the filter. Doesn't mean you can't be pissed at her right now. I would be too. Which is why I think playing the grieving widow and going into retreat may not be a bad thing. Maybe the Victorians were onto something when they required people spend a year shut up in "mourning".
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Jul 28, 2015 16:51:40 GMT -5
Jinks - I am sorry for your loss. I totally get the shock and grief as my DH died unexpectedly 5.5 years ago at 43. My FIL was and has been a trooper. He was very helpful and remains so to this day taking my DS home from school 3 days a week (and in fact they should be flying back into town in an hour, they have been on a cruise to Alaska for the last 10 days).
Vent away, this is a safe place to do so.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Jul 28, 2015 16:52:46 GMT -5
Better to vent here than make the news for the wrong reasons. Sorry for your loss.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 28, 2015 17:02:22 GMT -5
I'm one of those people who just wouldn't know what to say to anyone at a funeral. I just say I'm Sorry and leave it at that. Usually the people are old and their passing is a blessing because they've been in pain or have lost their minds but that isn't how the person who is grieving feels at the moment, usually. A young person dying? Omg. I had to do it once for DD's girlfriend who was in the Navy. It just about killed me because she and DD grew up together. I didn't want to go anywhere near her mother because I was sure I'd lose it and be of no comfort just more pain for her. Burying a child, omg. We have posters who've had to and I can't even begin to imagine it. I'm so sorry for you. DH is old but as hard as it's been for me to deal with his constant hospitalization and illnesses, when his younger sister told me to prepare myself for him dying soon and at his daughter's wedding, I wanted to kill her! Believe me, posters on here kept me sane during his illnesses, gave me advice, comforted me, and sometimes told me to pull my head out of my ass. All helpful advice.
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Jul 28, 2015 17:20:11 GMT -5
So sorry for your loss! How awful to deal with someone like that the week your husband passed! I too was horrified when I saw my friend photographing her deceased mother in the casket at the viewing.
When I asked her why on earth was she doing that (later), she explained that her Aunt (mother's sister) was unable to attend from another state and begged her to take photos of her and all the flowers. That kind of made some sense, but still I cannot imagine someone wanting those pictures.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 28, 2015 17:27:50 GMT -5
Ugh, me neither. I want to remember people when they were alive. My last memory of them should not be how they looked dead. I'd have a hard time ever thinking of them alive again if I did that.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 28, 2015 17:28:49 GMT -5
Although DH wants me to make sure he's really IN the casket so he doesn't get cheated.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2015 17:29:03 GMT -5
I am so sorry for everything you are going through . Please come here often and know we hear you and support you even when we can't offer perfect solutions. These boards have helped me through things I just don't have IRL friends to share with.
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Jul 28, 2015 17:43:00 GMT -5
Sorry for your loss. I strongly recommend a bereavement group. They really helped me. There's no wrong way to grieve; everyone handles it differently. Your MIL may be a pain, but she's handling the death of her son in the only way she knows how. It's part of her personality, and nothing will change that. As far as the pictures of the casket...let it go. It no longer matters to your husband, and if having those pictures brings her some measure of comfort, let it be. It's tacky and insensitive, but if she wants them, is there any real harm done?
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