Venting About MIL After DH's Death

[giramomma]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I have a mom like your MIL. It's not easy.

You might consider setting up a regular time to chat once or twice a week to help with your interactions with her.

It might be a good time to also find a therapist if you feel like you need to work on your boundaries.


 

[jinksd1]

Jul 28, 2015 18:33:29 GMT -5 giramomma said:

My boundaries are good.  I've actually been quite restrained with her!  Like when she said I was still young enough to find someone again, I really wanted to enthusiastically suggest that she wasn't too old to marry again, if she gets started on it soon.  But that wouldn't help the situation, so I just told her that's something I can't even think about.

[Deleted]

I, too, am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through, it's a very sad thing and I'm very sorry this has happened to you.

You have a MIL just like mine, as in, unfiltered is the only intellect she knows and uses...sheesh the stories of my venting I have (unfortunately) done to my poor dh...but he feels the same exact way such as it is. Incredibly insensitive, and negative to boot..

When attending my own Mother's death when I was 10, an Uncle tried to take pictures of my mom in her casket and I thought my Dad was going to tear him from limb to limb. He threw him out on his keester, banished forever.  @ the time this "Uncle" was married to my mom's close sister, BUT mom's sister had been previously married to my dad's cousin for like 15 yrs., and they had since been divorced a few years. My dad couldn't stand him. When he actually walked near m/mom w/a camera...my WW2 veteran dad (this was in '67) @ 44 yrs. old literally had to be held back after grabbing said Uncle... can you imagine? Personally, I think it's highly disrespectful as well, but some others don't. 

I hope you can feel as though you have friends here, because you do...we may not know exactly the breadth of your pain, but can certainly empathize and try to make you feel cared for.

One minute, one hour, one day at a time for now...as you know grieving is exhausting..please just rest as much as you can. Try and eat if even a few crackers/soup or fruit/anything at all, just something every few hours. And hydrate as you are losing fluids. Try to take good care of yourself. Your beloved wants that, truly he does.    

Let us know how you are doing, maybe check in when you feel like connecting.

Sleep well..

[MJ2.0]

Is your MIL Arab? I know it's not at all unusual to take pictures of the dead at funerals in their culture. It happened when X's paternal grandmother died.

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 28, 2015 19:33:27 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Is your MIL Arab? I know it's not at all unusual to take pictures of the dead at funerals in their culture. It happened when X's paternal grandmother died.

My Polish aunt requested that I take pictures of my dad in his casket. He had pictures of his brother from way back. It felt weird, but I complied. I'm guessing it's a cultural thing as well.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I surmise that some people NEED to share their misery.  I'm not proud of it, but I've had one or two occasions where I was so angry and unhappy, that I wanted to make damn sure that those around me were too.

[TheOtherMe]

I am so sorry for your loss.

In our family, pictures are always taken of the deceased in the casket.  Can't tell you why.  I've got them in my mom's photos that go back to the ones she took of the nieces and nephews she lost at a young age and then of her own parents.  My paternal grandfather passed away the month before I was born and there is an 8 x 10 of him in the casket.  I've never understood that photo.  My DS took pictures of mom.  I have not seen them.  She did it privately.  We are not any kind of ethnic background.

For me, the visitation is a blur.  If anybody else took photos, I have no idea.  I don't know what people said to me or what I said to them.

Since there are no children involved, you may not have to much interaction with her in the future.

If you feel the need to vent, vent.

I lost mom a year and 2 months ago.  I started my bereavement support group in January.  Where I attended (the hospice who had cared for mom), they want there to be a few months of time before they do a support group.  DS went to the one that started in October following mom's passing.  I wasn't ready.  I did see people improve although half of the people did not return after the first meeting.

[cronewitch]

Sorry for you loss and insensitive MIL.

[flamingo]

I'm so sorry for your loss   I have no good words of advice for how to deal with your MIL, other than to say, I think you've done a remarkable job handling her up till now. People handle grief in many different ways, some worse than others. Taking the high road, and handling her with grace, would definitely be my approach. Then I'd come here and bitch till my fingers were raw from typing   That part may not be so mature, but sometimes you need that outlet to be able to sleep at night.

[Anne_in_VA]

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

[jinksd1]

Jul 28, 2015 16:51:40 GMT -5 t-dog said:

Jinks - I am sorry for your loss. I totally get the shock and grief as my DH died unexpectedly 5.5 years ago at 43. My FIL was and has been a trooper. He was very helpful and remains so to this day taking my DS home from school 3 days a week (and in fact they should be flying back into town in an hour, they have been on a cruise to Alaska for the last 10 days).

Vent away, this is a safe place to do so.

I remember a little about your story.  Very sad.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  It's hard being the one left behind to carry on.

[jinksd1]

Jul 28, 2015 19:33:27 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Is your MIL Arab? I know it's not at all unusual to take pictures of the dead at funerals in their culture. It happened when X's paternal grandmother died.

No, she's mostly Polish-American.  Maybe it is cultural, but I'm also part Polish-American, and my family has never done this.

[sesfw]

jinks ...... I'm so very sorry about the sudden loss of your husband. It's a total kick in the stomach. I also think you handled your MIL very well and be grateful she is in a different state. Definitely let a machine answer your phone. Just deal with her as you have strength.  This is a long tough road so be good to YOU.

Go to any and all grief recovery talks and sessions you can find. You will learn something from each one. The real hugs are wonderful.

This is a good place to vent ....... come any time you need us.

Don't forget to breathe.

Hugs ............

[suesinfl]

I'm very sorry for your loss, but I think you are a very classy lady for how you handled your MIL. I can't even begin to imagine.

[alabamagal]

Sorry for your loss.

One thing to think about, and this may sound crass , but since you don't have kids to tie you to your Mil I doubt you will have a close relationship in the future.

Kind of like exMil after divorce. Maybe just one of those send Xmas cards to once a year relationship

If so it is much easier to just let her be and move on with your life.

[weltschmerz]

My Eastern European family has been known to take pictures at funerals. I think it's creepy, but what are you gonna do? 

 

[MN-Investor]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine such a difficult, life changing event at such a young age. It's good to have folks here to vent to.

At my MIL's visitation the day before her funeral, my husband was insistent that I take some pictures of his mother in the casket. I thought that was really weird, but who was I to argue with him? For what it's worth, it's a very Czech Catholic area.

My MIL was a real piece of work. DH's older brother died from cancer at age 53, in 2002.
I was ill and missed my BIL's visitation, but DH told me that, at the end, MIL lost it and chewed out my SIL (the 47-year old widow!) in front of everyone still there. OMG!

[taz157]

Jul 28, 2015 21:20:35 GMT -5 suesinfl said:

I'm very sorry for your loss, but I think you are a very classy lady for how you handled your MIL. I can't even begin to imagine.

Yeah that. ((((Hugs))))

[snapdragon]

Hugs. Just take it one day, hour, minute or second at a time and let yourself vent here as needed.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry for you loss

I didn't actually take pictures at my brother's funeral but I wish I had. I made an album of his life and that would have been the appropriate ending to it. It's a closure thing. Always looking at pictures of him alive and vital doesn't fit the reality that he is dead. I know it seems weird to some people but it doesn't feel morbid to me. Mind you the reason I didn't take pictures is it would have totally freaked my parents out and I wasn't going to do that to them.

Good luck with your MIL. There is an FB meme I like for stuff like this "Sometimes the first step towards forgiveness is to realise the other person is a complete idiot."

[Spellbound454]

People always say stupid stuff when someone dies.

My husband died young too... and some bright spark patted me on the back and said, "Its better this way".......  WTF

MIL may well be getting on your nerves. Stress and grief for the both of you can make things a hundred times worse.

He was your husband and he was her son...You are both entitled to be devastated.

So vent away.

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 29, 2015 12:17:27 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Good luck with your MIL. There is an FB meme I like for stuff like this "Sometimes the first step towards forgiveness is to realise the other person is a complete idiot."

Lol, my problem lately is that I've come to the realization that my MIL is a complete idiot, and I'm having a hard time humoring her.  She dropped by last Sunday unannounced to bring us some lasagna that she made.  The conversation:  Its so hot out there.  Me: it was bound to happen sooner or later. It is summer after all. (It's in the mid 80's, up from the mid 70's we've had most of the summer.  This summer's actually been cooler than most.) Her: the thermostat on my car read 101!  Me: yeah, car temperature readings tend to do that.  Her: my AC kicked on when I was cooking the lasagna.  Me:  

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I didn't actually take pictures at my brother's funeral but I wish I had. I made an album of his life and that would have been the appropriate ending to it. It's a closure thing. Always looking at pictures of him alive and vital doesn't fit the reality that he is dead. I know it seems weird to some people but it doesn't feel morbid to me.

When 2 of my brothers passed, I added the program from their service into the album to use as the final chapter of their lives.

I don't want a picture of someone in their casket as a final remembrance - I'd rather remember them as I knew them when they were alive - all of the other pics of them growing up and of their marriages, etc is nice to look back on occasionally - those are the memories I want to hold onto - not the final image of them dead.

[HoneyBBQ]

Jul 29, 2015 12:18:20 GMT -5 Spellbound454 said:

My husband died young too... and some bright spark patted me on the back and said, "Its better this way".......  WTF

Jinks--

When my mother says something dumb to me and I want to punch her in the face I try to think what does she REALLY mean? What is she really trying to say? She's not trying to be mean on purpose, she thinks she's being helpful, what does she really feel like she is portraying? And I try to rearrange the garbage into something that maybe isn't quite so infuriating.

For example, if she suggests you are young and can marry again -- of course initially the thought is that you are still absolutely raw with grief and cannot possibly ponder this idea. It is tactless and a horrible thing to say to a grieving widow. BUT --  What she really might mean is that some time, some day, you may heal enough from this to love again, and maybe that's what your DH would want you to do. Try to take away something positive from it, if you possibly can.

Remember, she's not thinking straight, either.

[Tennesseer]

Jul 29, 2015 14:35:55 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

I didn't actually take pictures at my brother's funeral but I wish I had. I made an album of his life and that would have been the appropriate ending to it. It's a closure thing. Always looking at pictures of him alive and vital doesn't fit the reality that he is dead. I know it seems weird to some people but it doesn't feel morbid to me.

When 2 of my brothers passed, I added the program from their service into the album to use as the final chapter of their lives.

I don't want a picture of someone in their casket as a final remembrance - I'd rather remember them as I knew them when they were alive - all of the other pics of them growing up and of their marriages, etc is nice to look back on occasionally - those are the memories I want to hold onto - not the final image of them dead.

We are lucky we are not living during the Victorian age. What with photography being somewhat new and available to most, the deceased, especially children, were often posed in pictures with their living siblings and parents. It may have been the only photograph the family would ever have of that now deceased individual. A gruesome thought to pose them today with living family members.

[TheOtherMe]

Maybe the reason in Tennesseer's post is why my mother has so many pictures of deceased relatives.  They didn't have much money and there are not all that many photos of the time, but there are plenty of people in caskets. 

When my best friend died suddenly when we were 35, I flew from Denver to Arizona to the funeral.  I wasn't told for a couple of days until after she had passed away.  I was still in shock when I arrived and the visitation and funeral were all held that evening.  I couldn't bring myself to look at her.  I was a total basket case at the service and sat in the family room alone crying my eyes out. 

The next morning, her brother and his wife and I drove back to Phoenix together to stay at a hotel near the airport before we flew back to our homes.  Her brother mentioned at dinner that he had taken pictures if I wanted them.  I did get them later and they did seem to bring me some solace when I saw how beautiful she looked given the way she had died. 

Those pictures can serve a purpose, morbid as they may sound.