d

[zibazinski]

Jul 24, 2015 10:54:08 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Monetarily, she's winning by thousands over your contribution to your DS.
I'm not sure why it always seems to work this way. My DH had a sister who has 2 kids, countless boyfriends (2 in jail) and quit a job when she felt like it. She got so much financial support from my ILs... they paid for everything and basically enabled her to do this. Silly DH, became a responsible adult and was never gifted any money except once, his Dad bought him a $700 tv, because they felt bad that they just spend 10K+ on a new car for his sister.

OMG that is me and my brother.  Only I've never gotten a $700 TV.

My brother used to throw in my face I live in my grandma's house.  Yeah I do but I pay rent, I handle the property taxes, I pay the utilities and had to take out a $5k loan to fix the roof b/c our parents didn't have the money to do it themselves.

Yeah that is SO MUCH BETTER than him living rent free in their house without a care in the world besides where he'd get his next pot fix.

My parents totally enabled him.

It's been good for everyone that he moved two states away to Colorado.  He's still co-dependent but at least it's not in my face all the time.

I would not try to make it even, you can't make it even b/c people like your daughter Ombud are NEVER happy, they will always want more.   It's their victim mentality.  You could never give your son a dime again as long as you live and she'll still find a way to claim you favor him.

 My brother decided our parents owed him b/c I was born first!  Kinda hard to even the score on that don't ya think?

 You can't win with these people.   If she's that damn unhappy then tell her she is free to move her ass and her boyfriend's ass out of your house.  If you feel you must say the kids can stay but the adults need to go out and support their own ungrateful asses.


If anybody should be irritated, it should be the kid that's more responsible or mature. DS is more mature in a lot of ways and he's the youngest.



If one more person tells me i need to let it go and be grateful I don't "need" the help I am going to punch them.  I don't want to be my brother but at the same time this has really done some damage that will have long last consquences into the future.  I am not going to abandon my parents and smugly tell them that's what they get in thier old age.  So guess who will be left cleaning up the mess?

You're a better person than me. I'd have no issue telling them to get their favorite child to take care of them.

[Deleted]

I don't think it's always about a "favorite" child. I've never thought my Mom favors my brother over me. I believe she'd do the same things for me that she does for him. I just don't expect or want her to, I prefer to take care of myself and have my own stuff.

I don't have a favorite child either. They're just very different from each other.

[zibazinski]

Now I KNOW you're better than me.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

So, did he move to CO because pot is now legal there?

Yeah.  He's working at a pot store for $16/hr with FREE health care and is up for an assistant managerial position.  It's a nice store, I toured it while we were out there.  Not what I expected when I heard the phrase "pot store".  I got a tiny tin of some salve to try to help with DH's psorasis, beats methotrexate which nearly killed him.

So he's doing well.   He's really thriving out there compared to here.  

We're doing better relationship wise.  Only took two states worth of distance between us for it to happen but it's improving.

[vonna]

Jul 24, 2015 13:56:14 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I don't think it's always about a "favorite" child. I've never thought my Mom favors my brother over me. I believe she'd do the same things for me that she does for him. I just don't expect or want her to, I prefer to take care of myself and have my own stuff.

I don't have a favorite child either. They're just very different from each other.

I couldn't like this post enough.

This is stated so well -- I think people often think it is "favorite" when it really "less self sufficient."  And parents, just as imperfect as the rest of us, are still parenting, even when their precious baby should be on their own.   Which means plenty of people will tell them they parented/are parenting incorrectly, because, hey, criticizing everyone else's parenting, it's an inalienable right!

[mollyanna58]

Jul 24, 2015 14:42:42 GMT -5 vonna said:

Jul 24, 2015 13:56:14 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I don't think it's always about a "favorite" child. I've never thought my Mom favors my brother over me. I believe she'd do the same things for me that she does for him. I just don't expect or want her to, I prefer to take care of myself and have my own stuff.

I don't have a favorite child either. They're just very different from each other.

I couldn't like this post enough.

This is stated so well -- I think people often think it is "favorite" when it really "less self sufficient."  And parents, just as imperfect as the rest of us, are still parenting, even when their precious baby should be on their own.   Which means plenty of people will tell them they parented/are parenting incorrectly, because, hey, criticizing everyone else's parenting, it's an inalienable right!

Yes, well, those of us who are more self-sufficient see it as punishing us for being adults and rewarding others who make poor decisions and have no money for needs because it's all be spent on wants. What's really funny is when there are two "less self-sufficient" who have gotten huge amounts out of our parents and are whining because they think the other got more. 

[vonna]

Jul 24, 2015 14:52:33 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Jul 24, 2015 14:42:42 GMT -5 vonna said:

I couldn't like this post enough.

This is stated so well -- I think people often think it is "favorite" when it really "less self sufficient."  And parents, just as imperfect as the rest of us, are still parenting, even when their precious baby should be on their own.   Which means plenty of people will tell them they parented/are parenting incorrectly, because, hey, criticizing everyone else's parenting, it's an inalienable right!

Yes, well, those of us who are more self-sufficient see it as punishing us for being adults and rewarding others who make poor decisions and have no money for needs because it's all be spent on wants. What's really funny is when there are two "less self-sufficient" who have gotten huge amounts out of our parents and are whining because they think the other got more. 

But some of us who are more self sufficient realize how it hurts our parents to see that one (or more) kids don't get their act together.  In my case, my brother got an amazing amount of financial support from my parents.  He screwed up A LOT in his early-to-mid adulthood.  My sister and I never asked for or got any financial assistance or gifts.  I'm sure that since my brother turned his life around, and is now financially independent that has helped.  But, I still don't think my parents owe me anything.  They were able to see all their kids reach self-sufficiency, which is probably what all parents want to see.

On my DH's side -- one of four, three have their act together, oldest (now 55) still struggling, some by his own poor choices, and some by circumstances.  The three siblings that are fine have recognized how stressful it is to their parents that one of their children "failed to launch".  It turns out all of them, at separate times told their parents not to include them in their estate plan, that they are fine.  I believe my in-laws have set up some type of trust to try to provide for the one brother.  An outsider would surely criticize them and tell them everything they have done wrong.  But, they love all their kids, and know that one continues to flounder.  I'm glad DH doesn't resent them for that.

I am a parent of two, and I fully expect both kids to be responsible and make it out in the world.  But, I'm not sure I could refuse to help one if he/she failed.  And, if I helped one, does that mean I need to gift the same to my other?  I'm just not sure, and hope I never have to figure that out.

[NastyWoman]

DD brings up the fact that she thinks DS got more. That's why I'm asking. I thought it was fairly even as the house would rent for 3k a month but I could be wrong as I still live here too

So I am a numbers person and if (in similar circumstances) one of my kids had pulled this sh*t, I would have put together a spreadsheet, added everything I spend on the whiner and his (I only have sons) kids over the years, subtracted the gifts to his brother and divided the remainder by two.  Then I would tell him that he owed me $x for the money I overspend on him so I could give it to his brother to make things even.   And it wouldn't be a nicely worded request either.

But then, eventhough I am a push over in many ways, I can get really mean if you go too far

[mollyanna58]

Most of the time I'm just grateful that I don't need the help. But that doesn't mean I am unaware of the disparities.   

I was just stunned the other day when one of the beneficiaries of our parents' open checkbook was complaining that another was being given a credit card for emergencies like visits to the ER since that sib doesn't have health insurance.  Over the years, complainer has gotten far more than credit card recipient.

ETA: corrected "aware" to "unaware". 

[swasat]

vonna, there is a difference between a child "failing" due to bad luck or out of control situations, and a child failing because of bad choice after bad choice they make despite being offered guidance and support.

Not many sane people object to the former getting help. The latter though..... Why should the responsible and hard working child be side lined just because he/she made the right choices ?

It hurts even more if the screwed up child gets even more by emotionally blackmailing the parents, knowing fully well that their whining and complaining will get them what they want. Yet again.

It's unfair to the responsible child. And hurtful if the parent knows what's happening and STILL continue with the status quo. It's like the life and problems if the responsible one takes a back seat always.....

[mollyanna58]

Jul 24, 2015 15:20:32 GMT -5 swasat said:

vonna, there is a difference between a child "failing" due to bad luck or out of control situations, and a child failing because of bad choice after bad choice they make despite being offered guidance and support.

Not many sane people object to the former getting help. The latter though..... Why should the responsible and hard working child be side lined just because he/she made the right choices ?

It hurts even more if the screwed up child gets even more by emotionally blackmailing the parents, knowing fully well that their whining and complaining will get them what they want. Yet again.

It's unfair to the responsible child. And hurtful if the parent knows what's happening and STILL continue with the status quo. It's like the life and problems if the responsible one takes a back seat always.....

[vonna]

Jul 24, 2015 15:20:32 GMT -5 swasat said:

vonna, there is a difference between a child "failing" due to bad luck or out of control situations, and a child failing because of bad choice after bad choice they make despite being offered guidance and support.

Not many sane people object to the former getting help. The latter though..... Why should the responsible and hard working child be side lined just because he/she made the right choices ?

It hurts even more if the screwed up child gets even more by emotionally blackmailing the parents, knowing fully well that their whining and complaining will get them what they want. Yet again.

It's unfair to the responsible child. And hurtful if the parent knows what's happening and STILL continue with the status quo. It's like the life and problems if the responsible one takes a back seat always.....

And I agree with everything here.

I'm just saying, that for the parent who only wants to see ALL their kids become self sufficient, they are seeing things through a different perspective.  I feel for the siblings that feel slighted, but I also feel for the parents that are trying to do the best they can with the resources they have. Plenty of people can tell them they are wrong, but they see their child in need, and perhaps do the "wrong thing" compared to many.

Most of my brother's financial help was due to drugs. He would stop for awhile, go to treatment, and then fall off the wagon.  My parents bailed him out financially so many times, easily hundreds of thousands of dollars. He got married, had a kid, my parents gifted him land and helped him build a house on it. He fell off the wagon again, ended up divorced, back in treatment.  Etc. . .  They have a grandkid that they feel they need to support since their son has failed to support him.  He is now 59, been remarried with another two kids, and finally (fingers' crossed) has his act together.  And, I feel like a big part of that is because my parents didn't give up on him. 

And, my parents did well for themselves, but if they would have gifted my sister and I equal amount to the help they gave my brother, I think they would have put their own financial health in jeopardy.

I just don't think their are any easy answers here. I just feel for the parents that have kids that screw up, because that has to be one of the biggest disappointments of parenthood.

My DH side of the family is even more extreme.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I "understand" my parents' position regarding my brother as much as I can considering I am an outsider in the situation.

That being said I have wanted to clean my brother's clock in the past for bitching about how life is so unfair to him and I get more b/c of *insert reason here*

The mental gymnastics he's had to go thru at times to justify his stance amaze me.  You could bend over till you snap,  clean out your bank account and it STILL would not be enough.  You can't fill the hole these people have in themselves.

That's why the OP should not concern herself with being "fair". Cause no matter what she does DD will find another reason to bitch. 

[swasat]

Well, I for one DON'T understand parents position in some cases. I guess it varies situation to situation.

I never had to face the situation, but I have cousins who have similar thing going on. The daughter is responsible, mature and independent, at the same time loving and caring to her parents. Her younger brother though.... O.m.g..... Completely entitled, blame pusher, victim if very situation.

Their parents firmly beleive it's not his fault. That he is always dealt a bad hand. They recognize, and acknowledge, that their daughter is the better child and the one they would rely on. BUT they also shrug whenever she needs help and tell her they can "only help her so much" . She had a baby and wanted her mom to come over and help her for a week. No can do because the son got fired from his 173537865 th job and is staying at home, so can't leave him. Somebody rammed into her car and she wanted a few thousands of $$ help from the parents. She was told that she being a responsible citizen should get a loan. While they had paid about $10K for their beloved sons car a year ago. She got promoted at the job and happily called her parents to invite them to a celebratory party, was told they can't come because the son has "invited some friends over for dinner". I could go on and on.....

I can totally see her being bitter about all this. Her brother is not discriminating against her, the parents are. They prioritize HIM over HER. Her major milestones are shadowed by his mundane life occurrences. HER problems are brushed aside because she has ALWAYS handled things before, whereas HIS problems become a mountain because he has never even handled a single problem before.

She is so bitter, it's painful to see. She bears a lot if resentment towards her brother because of her parents treatment of her, even though her and the brother had no major issues amongst them.


Just because Ombud's son doesn't say it doesn't mean he is not noticing what's going on. He might be a very level headed person to see how Ombud's knows she is being played by her DD and is still playing along, and still keep quiet about it. I would blow a gasket if my sibling did something like that and my mom/dad let it happen, just because they don't have the guts to do anything.

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2015 20:58:58 GMT -5 swasat said:

Well, I for one DON'T understand parents position in some cases. I guess it varies situation to situation.

I never had to face the situation, but I have cousins who have similar thing going on. The daughter is responsible, mature and independent, at the same time loving and caring to her parents. Her younger brother though.... O.m.g..... Completely entitled, blame pusher, victim if very situation.

Their parents firmly beleive it's not his fault. That he is always dealt a bad hand. They recognize, and acknowledge, that their daughter is the better child and the one they would rely on. BUT they also shrug whenever she needs help and tell her they can "only help her so much" . She had a baby and wanted her mom to come over and help her for a week. No can do because the son got fired from his 173537865 th job and is staying at home, so can't leave him. Somebody rammed into her car and she wanted a few thousands of $$ help from the parents. She was told that she being a responsible citizen should get a loan. While they had paid about $10K for their beloved sons car a year ago. She got promoted at the job and happily called her parents to invite them to a celebratory party, was told they can't come because the son has "invited some friends over for dinner". I could go on and on.....

I can totally see her being bitter about all this. Her brother is not discriminating against her, the parents are. They prioritize HIM over HER. Her major milestones are shadowed by his mundane life occurrences. HER problems are brushed aside because she has ALWAYS handled things before, whereas HIS problems become a mountain because he has never even handled a single problem before.

She is so bitter, it's painful to see. She bears a lot if resentment towards her brother because of her parents treatment of her, even though her and the brother had no major issues amongst them.


Just because Ombud's son doesn't say it doesn't mean he is not noticing what's going on. He might be a very level headed person to see how Ombud's knows she is being played by her DD and is still playing along, and still keep quiet about it. I would blow a gasket if my sibling did something like that and my mom/dad let it happen, just because they don't have the guts to do anything.

I think the situation you wrote about is a little different from what some of us are talking about. For me, if I call my Mom right now and need or even just really want her to do something for me, if there's any possible way she can do it, she will. I have no doubts that I'm just as important to her as my brother. I just don't run to my Momma with my problems like he does.

It looks like Ombud is the same way. She came through when her son wanted her help buying his new house. $50k is nothing to sneeze at and I've never gotten the impression that Ombud is more willing to help one child over the other. The disparity comes from one child "needing" more help.

I understand how Ombud is in a really tough spot with her daughter. It's very hard to practice tough love with your kids when there are grandkids who will also suffer the consequences of their parent's choices.

[swasat]

Jul 24, 2015 21:40:23 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Jul 24, 2015 20:58:58 GMT -5 swasat said:

Well, I for one DON'T understand parents position in some cases. I guess it varies situation to situation.

I never had to face the situation, but I have cousins who have similar thing going on. The daughter is responsible, mature and independent, at the same time loving and caring to her parents. Her younger brother though.... O.m.g..... Completely entitled, blame pusher, victim if very situation.

Their parents firmly beleive it's not his fault. That he is always dealt a bad hand. They recognize, and acknowledge, that their daughter is the better child and the one they would rely on. BUT they also shrug whenever she needs help and tell her they can "only help her so much" . She had a baby and wanted her mom to come over and help her for a week. No can do because the son got fired from his 173537865 th job and is staying at home, so can't leave him. Somebody rammed into her car and she wanted a few thousands of $$ help from the parents. She was told that she being a responsible citizen should get a loan. While they had paid about $10K for their beloved sons car a year ago. She got promoted at the job and happily called her parents to invite them to a celebratory party, was told they can't come because the son has "invited some friends over for dinner". I could go on and on.....

I can totally see her being bitter about all this. Her brother is not discriminating against her, the parents are. They prioritize HIM over HER. Her major milestones are shadowed by his mundane life occurrences. HER problems are brushed aside because she has ALWAYS handled things before, whereas HIS problems become a mountain because he has never even handled a single problem before.

She is so bitter, it's painful to see. She bears a lot if resentment towards her brother because of her parents treatment of her, even though her and the brother had no major issues amongst them.


Just because Ombud's son doesn't say it doesn't mean he is not noticing what's going on. He might be a very level headed person to see how Ombud's knows she is being played by her DD and is still playing along, and still keep quiet about it. I would blow a gasket if my sibling did something like that and my mom/dad let it happen, just because they don't have the guts to do anything.

I think the situation you wrote about is a little different from what some of us are talking about. For me, if I call my Mom right now and need or even just really want her to do something for me, if there's any possible way she can do it, she will. I have no doubts that I'm just as important to her as my brother. I just don't run to my Momma with my problems like he does.

It looks like Ombud is the same way. She came through when her son wanted her help buying his new house. $50k is nothing to sneeze at and I've never gotten the impression that Ombud is more willing to help one child over the other. The disparity comes from one child "needing" more help.

I understand how Ombud is in a really tough spot with her daughter. It's very hard to practice tough love with your kids when there are grandkids who will also suffer the consequences of their parent's choices.

Well, Ombud's daughter is not "needing" more help. She is "demanding"more help WITHOUT any effort from her side. THATS what I am talking about. The case I explained was definitely more extreme.

OP's daughter moved in with her after her divorce w/ kids and OP provided support. Perfectly reasonable and understandable.

But moving her new BF in to live in her moms house?? And Ombud let her?? How is that DD "needing" help? That's DD doing whatever she wants and Imbud not asking a hard stand!

Having a new baby when she has no means to support her other 3? Putting extra demands on a her retired mother....how's that "need"?

DD sitting at home while OP is working 24+ hours to make ends meet?

There is no "needy" in this situation. It's OP's DD taking advantage of her, and Ombud letting her (unhappily though) , knowing fully well what's going on.

This is not Onbuds first thread regarding this.

She has huge problem saying no to her daughter. And THATS the biggest problem.

[Ombud]

FIREd (financially independent retired early at 50) but returned to work partially bored / yes supporting GKs costs. I'm actually fine financially and will be better once SSA eligible but what I wanted to know was:

Jul 21, 2015 17:20:50 GMT -5 Ombud said:

--- DS got 50k in May + Roth in 2012 & 2013 + 5k wedding in 2014
--- DD got 6 yrs of housing + 6k used Honda Civic Hybrid, I've taken her kids on my taxes 2009 - 2014 making me HOH vs Single thus saving tax $$
--- I put DS's IOU @ 20k. Are they close to even (FINANCIALLY)?

I think the consensus was: don't worry about it. But get her out ASAP

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2015 22:01:31 GMT -5 swasat said:

Jul 24, 2015 21:40:23 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I think the situation you wrote about is a little different from what some of us are talking about. For me, if I call my Mom right now and need or even just really want her to do something for me, if there's any possible way she can do it, she will. I have no doubts that I'm just as important to her as my brother. I just don't run to my Momma with my problems like he does.

It looks like Ombud is the same way. She came through when her son wanted her help buying his new house. $50k is nothing to sneeze at and I've never gotten the impression that Ombud is more willing to help one child over the other. The disparity comes from one child "needing" more help.

I understand how Ombud is in a really tough spot with her daughter. It's very hard to practice tough love with your kids when there are grandkids who will also suffer the consequences of their parent's choices.

Well, Ombud's daughter is not "needing" more help. She is "demanding"more help WITHOUT any effort from her side. THATS what I am talking about. The case I explained was definitely more extreme.

OP's daughter moved in with her after her divorce w/ kids and OP provided support. Perfectly reasonable and understandable.

But moving her new BF in to live in her moms house?? And Ombud let her?? How is that DD "needing" help? That's DD doing whatever she wants and Imbud not asking a hard stand!

Having a new baby when she has no means to support her other 3? Putting extra demands on a her retired mother....how's that "need"?

DD sitting at home while OP is working 24+ hours to make ends meet?

There is no "needy" in this situation. It's OP's DD taking advantage of her, and Ombud letting her (unhappily though) , knowing fully well what's going on.

This is not Onbuds first thread regarding this.

She has huge problem saying no to her daughter. And THATS the biggest problem.

I don't disagree with you here. I put quotation marks around "needing" because of the things you listed.

I just don't get the impression that Ombud does/has done anything for her daughter that she wouldn't do for her son and his children, that's all I was saying. Her son just hasn't gone there and hopefully he won't.

[zibazinski]

I'd be interested in knowing if there's ANY relationship between your son and daughter.

[gooddecisions]

I am still stuck on 50k to your son. That is a lot of money! My fairly well-off parents gave me 5k and I thought that was really generous! I got a 80% first and a 15% second. I only made 35k/year and was only 25, but managed just fine. I didn't even need a cosigner. They also gave my sister 5k when she bought her first home a year later and she managed just fine too.

The problem with live-in moochers is they will never think of the homeowner as giving them money. They think you would have those expenses with or without them living there. So while they may have been able to save on some expenses, you didn't "give" them anything.

Tough situation. 

[kjto1]

Jul 24, 2015 23:20:03 GMT -5 Ombud said:

FIREd (financially independent retired early at 50) but returned to work partially bored / yes supporting GKs costs. I'm actually fine financially and will be better once SSA eligible but what I wanted to know was:

Jul 21, 2015 17:20:50 GMT -5 Ombud said:

--- DS got 50k in May + Roth in 2012 & 2013 + 5k wedding in 2014
--- DD got 6 yrs of housing + 6k used Honda Civic Hybrid, I've taken her kids on my taxes 2009 - 2014 making me HOH vs Single thus saving tax $$
--- I put DS's IOU @ 20k. Are they close to even (FINANCIALLY)?

I think the consensus was: don't worry about it. But get her out ASAP

What do you mean by Roth in 2012 & 2013?  Would that be $5500.00 per year?
Did we guess that her rent would be $1500/month?  I would guess that would bring them within $20,000 of each other?  Daughter is still way ahead.  I don't think at this point you can even it out RIGHT NOW.

1 - get daughter out
2 - stop the major expense paying to the daughter/grandkids
3 - get your life re-situated (debt paid off, part-time job that works for you and YOUR expenses
4 - a few years down the road, revisit the will and make any % adjustments there.  You don't want to send your son money while you are alive, and may need it for your own expenses.  Or, if you don't want to put it in your will, have a taxable account with your son as beneficiary on death.  That should bypass the estate and the will, so your daughter won't know about the "unevenness of the situation".

I'm sorry to hear your daughter is manipulating you and taking advantage of you.  Hugs.

[Ombud]

kjto1, yes. Roth in 2012 + 2013 = 11k. DS is the successor executor and the 20k will be paid back to the estate not me

zibazinski, 3 adults [DS, DD, DIL] have a great relationship. DIL just doesn't like BF / DS thinks he's way too unmotivated. GKs are super close

[kjto1]

Actually, I would recalculate that.  If DS has an IOU where he has to pay back that 20k, then there is a bigger disparity - since Daughter isn't paying anything back to the estate.  So, you can't count that 20k as a gift against DS.

[Shooby]

I would STOP calculating. Enough. You have been more than generous across the board. If it isn't exactly equal to grown ass adult "children" then Boo Hoo. Live your life. You have earned YOUR money. Let them earn their own money. Time for you to crack a bottle of wine and take a nice cruise or something. Pffft.

[Ombud]

kjto1, the attorney advised that I have him do that and he signed it (although he thinks it's for 50k) to come from his 1/3 of the estate on disbursal. (Subtracted from = paid back) I'm giving him his copy as the successor executor today with the figure 20k not 50k

[billisonboard]

Jul 25, 2015 6:24:34 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

I am still stuck on 50k to your son. That is a lot of money! ...

...

I get stuck on some of the numbers also. My folks went 50/50 on a pair of $105 Air Jordans I really wanted for a college basketball class. I also got first grab for all I wanted leftovers after holiday meals when in college. Have no idea what help siblings may have gotten over the years. None of my business.

[Shooby]

First of all, should adult "children" be keeping score? It isn't any of your business how your parents choose to spend their money is it? I think that is just silly. My parents were generous people. There was no "score" to keep. Was it equal? I don't know. I am 11 yrs younger than my sister. My parents were better off financially by the time I arrived. I was the baby. I no doubt benefitted with more "stuff" as I was growing up.

[Ombud]

OMG Back from DS's party. Told him that he dn owe the trust 50k and he said he remembered signing the IOU. I said yeah but I get to decide the terms

So he goes "well its only fair Xxxx is such a mooch" and hugged me. I always though it didn't matter to him but I guess it did

[mollyanna58]

Some days it matters more than others.

[Deleted]

I think we keep score  . Well, sis more than me, but I like things to be even because I don't want it coming between sis and me. 

I get pissy feeling though when I think about 6 th wife getting more than us. I know I'm a grown up and all. I try ok. But  ... It will (hopefully?) be different if when they make it married another decade... 

I think maybe it bothers sis a little when my kids get but her family unit without kids isnt 'evened up'. But not enough that it causes strife. 

But neither of us live with parents, etc.

It would definitely matter to me if things were visibly very uneven towards the irresponsible party. 

I just sent my responsible nephew 700$ last week. I told my husband he should do it 6 months ago when irresponsible nephew asked for a 700$ loan... I knew we wouldn't get it back. Finally husband said, ok even it up. I hate personally when the irresponsible one gets the benefit of being irresponsible. Hope that wasn't too harsh