nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 6, 2015 19:38:44 GMT -5
With a few of us here in the dating scene I thought I would ask these questions.
I went on POF three weeks ago, after the first slew of messages and weeding out those looking to hook up I am left with two. I got bored with saying all the same things to anyone I was even remotely interested in. One guy J has continued to text me, even after me telling him several times that I am not looking for a texting buddy, I was hoping he would ask me out but has not yet. I think he messaged me the first day. One guy I have met and we didnt have a love connection but he is becoming a friend. L actually called me today, so that's good. That is what I am hoping for is an escalation but at what timeframe, I just don't know. I have stopped texting J as I feel it isnt going anywhere but he still texts me and I do reply but its such banal conversation. So is it too early for a date, is it too late ?? I am of the mind and what I prefer is a man that can be assertive and ask me out. J seems to hint at where he will be at certain times, does he want me to go and meet him, as a more casual thing instead of actually asking me out. Am I being too old fashioned in expecting him to ask me out. Has everything changed. I don't feel I have a handle on this dating scene.
I did meet a guy at the pool, maybe I will see him at the pool again.
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Happy prose
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Post by Happy prose on Jul 6, 2015 19:41:21 GMT -5
What is POF? i've been out of the loop many years.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Jul 6, 2015 19:45:53 GMT -5
Plenty of fish.
All those sites are what you make of them. I know some people that are just looking to get laid and do multiple sites at the same time. If you are interested in someone try something new and take the initiative if he doesn't. Regardless I think you're overthinking it and the longer you stew and think about it the more likely you are to drive yourself crazy.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 6, 2015 19:47:21 GMT -5
I think you should set up dates with a couple of them - with each other. Show up to see how it goes and get back to us.
What?! It's been raining and lightning here and I'm bored stuck inside.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2015 19:51:36 GMT -5
I want to date. Would pof be a good place for me to start dating? i am a guy, 54, okay looking, and okay finances.
I just want a few dates to start back in dating, so not looking for a quick hookup, but also not for a commitment. Just a few dates.
What would work for me?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2015 20:06:13 GMT -5
nutty, I am sure this will be offensive, but I'm going to say it anyway. I got divorced at 44 so approximately your age then although not now.
You are chasing your tail here with dating and guys and so on. Slow down and find some stuff to do besides bars, etc. Enjoy your own company for awhile. I learned relationships happen when you least expect them but only if you've been being nice to yourself.
What do you do besides date and keep Scarlett occasionally? Do you work? That's a fun way to meet people. I loved retail as a second job after my divorce. And, yes, I got asked out by customers.
My two cents, which is worth less than you paid (nothing).
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 6, 2015 20:16:16 GMT -5
I've never used Plenty of Fish, that always seemed like a place for casual hookups and not those serious about dating.
I've used match.com and christianmingle extensively, but I've shelved them for now because I've been doing online dating for years and not had any results.
My next plan of attack is to try local meetup type groups and church singles groups. But I'm waiting to finish the exam first.
Regarding pacing, I usually e-mailed women I was interested in, and if they responded, exchanged 3-4 e-mails before asking to talk on the phone or text. Usually at that point I'd ask them out and we'd see how it goes. Almost never got a second date, so I'm not the best person to ask for dating advice.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 6, 2015 20:19:55 GMT -5
nutty, I am sure this will be offensive, but I'm going to say it anyway. I got divorced at 44 so approximately your age then although not now.
You are chasing your tail here with dating and guys and so on. Slow down and find some stuff to do besides bars, etc. Enjoy your own company for awhile. I learned relationships happen when you least expect them but only if you've been being nice to yourself.
What do you do besides date and keep Scarlett occasionally? Do you work? That's a fun way to meet people. I loved retail as a second job after my divorce. And, yes, I got asked out by customers.
My two cents, which is worth less than you paid (nothing).
The advice to "just relax and let it happen" always seemed strange to me. If I don't make an effort to put myself out there, I won't put myself out there. It's not like women are going to drop out of the sky and want to be my girlfriend, it's something I got to make happen.
I'm not saying that's the focus of all I do, I do other stuff to enjoy life. I do all kinds of stuff alone. But the point is I feel like in order to get what you want, you have to try and make it happen and not just wait for what you want to come to you.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 6, 2015 20:20:21 GMT -5
AHHH thanks for the advice SS but I will have to tell you what other things I do.
GO to the beach with friends, have dinner with friends, movies with friends, probably about once a week have pool day with my friends, go to meet up outings, I have been separated a yr, met lots of new people, have stayed friends with a few of them, my friend has a dance night at his house every two weeks, lunch, zoo, holidays have been spent with different friends. I don't know where you get the impression that I am looking for anything more than male company once in a while.
Where do you get the impression I am chasing my tail, I was on match a few months ago and POF now, both I have now closed both because the online thing isn't really my thing, I am not desparate but I don't think I am rushing or "chasing my tail" to want to have a date now and then.
My two cents on my own life.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 6, 2015 20:30:46 GMT -5
Why can't you ask J out?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2015 20:32:41 GMT -5
nutty, I am sure this will be offensive, but I'm going to say it anyway. I got divorced at 44 so approximately your age then although not now.
You are chasing your tail here with dating and guys and so on. Slow down and find some stuff to do besides bars, etc. Enjoy your own company for awhile. I learned relationships happen when you least expect them but only if you've been being nice to yourself.
What do you do besides date and keep Scarlett occasionally? Do you work? That's a fun way to meet people. I loved retail as a second job after my divorce. And, yes, I got asked out by customers.
My two cents, which is worth less than you paid (nothing).
The advice to "just relax and let it happen" always seemed strange to me. If I don't make an effort to put myself out there, I won't put myself out there. It's not like women are going to drop out of the sky and want to be my girlfriend, it's something I got to make happen.
I'm not saying that's the focus of all I do, I do other stuff to enjoy life. I do all kinds of stuff alone. But the point is I feel like in order to get what you want, you have to try and make it happen and not just wait for what you want to come to you.
I think the "relax" advice was aimed more towards nutty who is just coming to grips with a 23 year marriage ending and isn't even through her divorce yet.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 6, 2015 20:36:34 GMT -5
I have come to grips with it. I am not sure if I am just not that interested, scared of rejection, scared of him actually saying yes, some of it is me thinking he should ask me out, call that silly or whatever but its the way I feel and I cant change that.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 6, 2015 20:37:30 GMT -5
You can't change how you feel, but you can change what you do. If you want to go out with him, don't sit around waiting.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 6, 2015 20:41:44 GMT -5
And this is always posed when I ask a question or venting or want clarification or actually asking for advice. I was asking the wide range of people on this site how they deal with online dating. Sometimes when people say they are ok, they really are, I wasn't asking advice on how long somewhere here thinks I should wait. I only recently went on a date date, I wasn't dating or even looking one month after I left him. I have scars but they will always be there, I am also not looking for anything serious.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 6, 2015 20:42:44 GMT -5
Ack ok swamp, you are right I am going to ask him out or maybe meet up with him one night when he is playing if he agrees to it.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jul 6, 2015 20:42:44 GMT -5
Doesn't really matter what anyone else says to a point. You gotta go with what you want. I stop talking to the guy if they aren't quick enough. Unless it's good conversations, or they're hot. Or wakeboard. Yup I own it.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jul 6, 2015 20:42:58 GMT -5
POF isn't the best site if you're looking for something long-term.
And why does the guy have to be the assertive one and ask you out? Maybe J is shy or just getting back into the dating scene and is still a bit reserved. Why don't YOU suggest to J or L that you meet somewhere neutral for a coffee?
And by "neutral, I don't mean your usual bar hang-out.
And you don't have to have an instant love connection either - when I first met DH I would never have thought at first as him being "the one". You can also meet guys in all kinds of settings if you put yourself out there and get into doing things where guys might be. You won't find someone if you're just waiting for them to take the first step.
I feel bad for a lot of guys when all the pressure is put on them to make the first move. .
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 6, 2015 20:52:06 GMT -5
Point one is exactly why I went on POF SL...lol
I am not in the market for a commitment or long term thing, that scares me and freaks the heck out of me. I love love love doing my own thing, being responsible for no one but myself. I dont know why I think he has to be the assertive one, I just do. To me that speaks to alpha versus beta male, its just what I think and feel.
I think from his texts he is shy and has told me such, and that also he is slow in these matters. The few times I have actually asked him if we were going to meet he responded positively. I feel like justme, at some point (to me) it gets boring texting, I want a meet.
What I don't get is that I have never initiated texts the last week, I will respond if he texts because I am still hanging on to the hope we will meet, but it looks more unlikely as the days go on. I think I am going to hang it up in the next few days.
I think I will send him this in a variation, but is it too early ?? I just don't know.
Phoenix even seems to work faster than this guy.
“You seem like a good guy, Alan, but I’m not looking for a texting buddy, I’m looking for a boyfriend. And since all you’ve done is text me twice a week for the past six weeks without any increased effort, I’m going to take that as a sign that you’re not that interested in a relationship. No hard feelings. I wish you the best of luck in your search. Take care.” Well something along these lines LOL
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 7, 2015 1:34:09 GMT -5
Point one is exactly why I went on POF SL...lol I am not in the market for a commitment or long term thing, that scares me and freaks the heck out of me. I love love love doing my own thing, being responsible for no one but myself. I dont know why I think he has to be the assertive one, I just do. To me that speaks to alpha versus beta male, its just what I think and feel. I think from his texts he is shy and has told me such, and that also he is slow in these matters. The few times I have actually asked him if we were going to meet he responded positively. I feel like justme, at some point (to me) it gets boring texting, I want a meet. What I don't get is that I have never initiated texts the last week, I will respond if he texts because I am still hanging on to the hope we will meet, but it looks more unlikely as the days go on. I think I am going to hang it up in the next few days. I think I will send him this in a variation, but is it too early ?? I just don't know. Phoenix even seems to work faster than this guy. “You seem like a good guy, Alan, but I’m not looking for a texting buddy, I’m looking for a boyfriend. And since all you’ve done is text me twice a week for the past six weeks without any increased effort, I’m going to take that as a sign that you’re not that interested in a relationship. No hard feelings. I wish you the best of luck in your search. Take care.” Well something along these lines LOL Or you could text him back and say "Hey. It's been nice texting/talking with you. How about meeting me for lunch at (fill in blank). I'd like to meet you." I know that sounds crazy and all but... it's actually the normal way to do it. It's not that complicated.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 7, 2015 5:37:04 GMT -5
Yeah there is a lot of things I could do, I have explained my reasoning in an earlier post just have to figure out what my problem is and proceed from there.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 7, 2015 10:18:42 GMT -5
I don't know if you have a problem per se. If it is, it's the same problem I have. I also do a mix of things but apparently can't get any real bites. One guy I had to leave by the wayside as he was "dealing with a clinger" - basically he wanted whatever he had going to end and then date me. I don't mind if you're actively dating other people, but I'm not going to be the back burner chick. The nice guy I met Friday night had texted me some on Saturday and then that was it. I reached out to him yesterday and he texted me back twice middday and then nothing. I know he's busy with work and stuff but come on. I have no problem being the "aggressor" but I'm not going to keep being the one to do it.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jul 7, 2015 10:25:09 GMT -5
My bar for when I was looking for casual things was way lower than a relationship. Meaning I didn't sweat if he wasn't doing everything right. If I was attracted to him, move the show along.
I mean, really, if you're not looking for anything substantial you definitely shouldn't invest a lot of up front time in it. Hell I'm looking for something substantial and I still don't invest much in the preamble.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 7, 2015 10:28:01 GMT -5
Six weeks is WAY too long to be talking and not have met, especially if you're geographically close. He's got a main chick.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 7, 2015 10:51:16 GMT -5
Its been three weeks and he again text me good morning.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jul 7, 2015 10:53:18 GMT -5
Its been three weeks and he again text me good morning. He is waiting for you to text back "could be better, waking up next to you."
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 7, 2015 10:53:40 GMT -5
Oh that was just a sample text from some site, it has been 3 weeks.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jul 7, 2015 11:02:45 GMT -5
Does he only text you at certain hours of the day (like only in the morning? Or very very late at night?)
He could already in a relationship (or marriage) and looking for some action on the side.
Text him back and ask if he can text (or call) you after work to possibly meet somewhere for an early evening coffee- or text/call you say at 8 or 9 pm.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 7, 2015 11:20:21 GMT -5
Its been three weeks and he again text me good morning. Don't even reply. He's wasted enough of your time. If he wanted to meet you, he would have already.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jul 7, 2015 11:42:36 GMT -5
J isn't going to ask you out. It's clear from your stories that he's basically thrown testers out there to see if you're interested and has gotten nothing back to suggest you are. You don't necessarily have to ask him out, but you have to make it clear you want to be asked out by him. Maybe you're doing it and he's still not getting it, hard to really tell.
Here's the scenario I am envisioning:
What is happening: J: I'm going to this bar tonight to watch YM Band perform. You: Have a good time.
What should happen: J: I'm going to this bar tonight to watch YM Band perform. You: YM Band? Never heard of them. Do you go to a lot of live shows? I love checking out new acts. J: I love live shows, Hoops Band is playing next weekend, do you want to go with me?
You're online, you need to give him the in-person equivalent of a smile or a little touch on the arm. You don't have to ask him out, but you do have to make it seem like you're at least remotely interested in going out with him.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 7, 2015 11:49:57 GMT -5
I agree hoops, that what I think is sending I am interested signals are really really not strong enough. It happens in RL too. I don't have a running car right now so I am hesitant to meet him anywhere anyway as I couldnt get there.
He texts me at all times actually. What hoops said is probably happening.
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