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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2015 17:03:49 GMT -5
My grandfather died in 1957, and my father purchased a double marker for his parents. All the information was put on there at that time except for my grandmother's year of death. She died in 1991.
When she died in 1991, she had three living children. (My father wasn't one of them, having died in 1959.) They didn't put the year of death on the marker.
Fast forward to 2014 and 2015. It is very important to my older sister that the year of death goes on our grandmother's marker. It will cost $300. She wants me to split it with her.
I will, but I made it clear that I was doing it for her, not my grandmother. None of the great-grandkids have the slightest idea where my grandparents are buried. They never knew them. My sister is the only one who ever goes to the gravesite. For twenty-five years no one has cared that it wasn't there, including (as I said) my grandmother's own kids.
I think it is a total waste of money, and I'm not rich. Neither is she. $150 is not an insignificant amount of money to me although it is to many of you. I will do without something to make that $150 happen. In fact, I will actually have to transfer it from savings since there is no extra $$$ in my checking account this month.
What have you done to make family "happy" that you thought was a total waste of money?
By the way, I don't resent spending this money. It makes my sister happy, and she is important to me. But a date on a grave marker isn't.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2015 17:12:22 GMT -5
I would feel the same way, the date on the marker is not important. But the sister who visits the grave and is bothered by it being missing is important to me. I would do it for that reason alone & probably tell her that this is her Christmas/Chaunnakah/birthday/whatever occassion gift for the next 5 years.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2015 17:32:02 GMT -5
your sister might be thinking about her own death and thinking that would be important to her. I dont know, but great for you for being a good sister and wanting her to be happy.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jun 8, 2015 17:36:15 GMT -5
I've had occasions to spend a chunk of money to make someone happy. Not often, but it's happened. I too could care less about a grave marker - if the issue is historical accuracy, then County or State records *can be* more accurate than graveyards. How badly do you want to make her happy?
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Jun 8, 2015 17:43:52 GMT -5
I think you're a good person for doing this for your sister.
FWIW, there's a walking and biking trail through my municipal cemetery and I find the missing dates a bit unsettling when the date of birth indicates that there is little likelihood that the person in question is still alive. Getting your grandmother's year of death carved into the marker will probably make strangers lives a bit more peaceful.
But yeah, there are other uses for the money.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jun 8, 2015 18:32:58 GMT -5
My dad had a double grave stone put up when my mom died. His name is there, and we will be making arrangements to put the date on next month at his memorial, when his ashes are buried.
As he can't do it now, I'll do it. He set things up with the intention of someone doing it, it s something important to him.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2015 18:37:57 GMT -5
I think you're a good person for doing this for your sister. FWIW, there's a walking and biking trail through my municipal cemetery and I find the missing dates a bit unsettling when the date of birth indicates that there is little likelihood that the person in question is still alive. Getting your grandmother's year of death carved into the marker will probably make strangers lives a bit more peaceful. But yeah, there are other uses for the money. I do a lot of cemetery walking/gravestone reading and the ones without dates drive me nuts!
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jun 8, 2015 19:13:03 GMT -5
As a genealogist, I thank you. You don't know who you may help. Yes, the county or state may have records, but often, one has to supply the date of death (at least a year). And some states (Arizona comes to mind) have very restrictive policies. When I am looking for a date of death, findagrave is the first place I look. I don't think it is an insignificant amount, but I also DO think it is important to do. I see markers without dates of death and it makes me sad to think the person had no family who cared enough to do it. So, "Thank You" from this genealogist.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jun 8, 2015 19:47:16 GMT -5
Any chance they are a veteran? My dad's was free.
Just me, but I think it's kinda sad that noone bothered to add the date and probably would have done it a long time ago.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2015 20:11:35 GMT -5
Any chance they are a veteran? My dad's was free. Just me, but I think it's kinda sad that noone bothered to add the date and probably would have done it a long time ago. No, my grandmother wasn't a veteran. She was born in 1892 when women rarely worked outside of the home.
I do think it is sad that none of her three remaining children "bothered" to do it, particularly as one of them arranged and paid for the funeral. That aunt also paid and put the dates on her brother's marker 15 years later.
My sister and I paid for the marker on our mother's grave although I last saw her when I was 9 or 10. I am not against honoring the dead.
This particular marker just isn't that significant in my life, and money isn't plentiful. But, as I have said, I will do it because I love my sister. She is the sentimental one in the family. I'm not, but that is probably because I wasn't old enough to understand a lot of what was happening.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 8, 2015 21:18:43 GMT -5
Grave stones are important in our family. Getting the date of death on mom's headstone was one of the first thing dad wanted done after she died. It was part of the services they had prepaid, so it was just waiting for the company the funeral home hires to get it done. Dad was comforted when the date of death was on mom's stone.
I feel the same way and it's not just because I am sentimental. I'm done some family history and walked plenty of cemeteries. It drives me crazy to see old stones with no date of death.
I'm glad your sister cared and I'm glad you cared enough about her to help her.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jun 8, 2015 23:51:41 GMT -5
I think it's a good use of $150 although I can understand why it's not a "need." I'm sure your sister will appreciate it. Maybe one day your children or other descendants will walk through the cemetery and appreciate it also?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 9, 2015 0:05:04 GMT -5
Sometimes I wonder what record of my existence will last past my death. It seems like grave markers do tell a story - a very short story, but indeed a story. Not putting the year of death on there leaves her a little bit of a mystery - is she still alive? Did she get buried elsewhere? Did no one care about her when she died? Maybe her husband was abusive, and she refused to be buried next to him. Who knows what story I could make up about it. Not that it matters what strangers (or future relatives) will think if the gravestone is one of the 6 pieces of information they find on Ancestry.com - but maybe some day it will give someone closure to know that their great-great-great-great grandparents were so in love, they were buried together for eternity.
But, I also think graves in general are a waste of money. Burn me up and flush me down the toilet. I don't care.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 9, 2015 1:39:11 GMT -5
I took my grandmother to look at graves one day and she told me about a grave for a couple, the man died and the wife planned to join him later. She remarried and was married 20-30 years so was planning now to be with the second husband instead. Grandma was a widow 25 years after 54 years of marriage, she had a long term boyfriend after who also died before her, she was 98 when she died, said it was hard to find a man after 90.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2015 8:42:21 GMT -5
No, my grandmother wasn't a veteran. She was born in 1892 when women rarely worked outside of the home.
I do think it is sad that none of her three remaining children "bothered" to do it, particularly as one of them arranged and paid for the funeral. That aunt also paid and put the dates on her brother's marker 15 years later.
My sister and I paid for the marker on our mother's grave although I last saw her when I was 9 or 10. I am not against honoring the dead.
This particular marker just isn't that significant in my life, and money isn't plentiful. But, as I have said, I will do it because I love my sister. She is the sentimental one in the family. I'm not, but that is probably because I wasn't old enough to understand a lot of what was happening.
It was possibly easy to overlook at the time. I wouldn't put too much thought into it not happening at the time. Its very nice of you to chip in when you don't really care. One thing you could do to try to defray the cost is to put out the word that this was omitted at the time of burial, and you and your sister are undertaking to have this done now. The cost is 300, and any contributions are appreciated. Send it out to all the kids and grandkids of the grandmother. If you got a couple of 20s and a few 10s - it would help out. Her children might surprise you with a larger contribution. Nice thought, but her last "child" died at almost 101 a few years ago. My grandmother herself was 99 when she died in 1991. It was a dysfunctional family that has just about died out. Her four children produced a total of four children. Of those, only my sister and I had children, and they care less about a marker than I do.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Jun 9, 2015 9:00:30 GMT -5
My grandfather died in 1957, and my father purchased a double marker for his parents. All the information was put on there at that time except for my grandmother's year of death. She died in 1991.
When she died in 1991, she had three living children. (My father wasn't one of them, having died in 1959.) They didn't put the year of death on the marker.
Fast forward to 2014 and 2015. It is very important to my older sister that the year of death goes on our grandmother's marker. It will cost $300. She wants me to split it with her.
I will, but I made it clear that I was doing it for her, not my grandmother. None of the great-grandkids have the slightest idea where my grandparents are buried. They never knew them. My sister is the only one who ever goes to the gravesite. For twenty-five years no one has cared that it wasn't there, including (as I said) my grandmother's own kids.
I think it is a total waste of money, and I'm not rich. Neither is she. $150 is not an insignificant amount of money to me although it is to many of you. I will do without something to make that $150 happen. In fact, I will actually have to transfer it from savings since there is no extra $$$ in my checking account this month.
What have you done to make family "happy" that you thought was a total waste of money?
By the way, I don't resent spending this money. It makes my sister happy, and she is important to me. But a date on a grave marker isn't. Oh where to begin... My sis and I paid to have the date put on my grandmother's marker (worthless uncle can rot in hell when he gets there) because we knew our mother would have wanted it. I booked an extra 25 seats at my wedding so my two teenaged cousins could bring a "date". Otherwise same grandmother wasn't going to come, family drama etc. The cousins ended up not showing anyway. Actually my whole wedding was to make family happy. My husband wanted the whole shebang. I just wanted to elope. Since we're still married over 20 years later I guess it wasn't a complete waste . Sitting for the CPA exam the third and fouth time was a waste of money. I can't memorize to save my life but my mom so wanted to be able to say "My daughter, the CPA" so I kept trying. Another cousin still owes me a couple grand + that was loaned over 25 years ago when I really didn't have that kind of money. Yes, giving/loaning it to him was a waste of money but Grandpa, sis and I were trying to give him the support he wasn't getting from his waste of air breathing father. But...since making family happy is important to me, then I guess it's never a complete waste, is it?
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teen persuasion
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Post by teen persuasion on Jun 9, 2015 9:02:04 GMT -5
Not the topic I was expecting when I clicked on the thread title!
I've been doing some research for work on Ancestry.com lately, and it is both amazing what records and information do exist, and frustrating when records are difficult to locate. I am also saddened when I realize exactly how little of the details I actually know about my paternal grandparents who were immigrants. Testing things out by searching for DH's paternal family is also challenging: there were no birth records, just baptismal records, in sloppily handwritten French, for an extremely common name. Multiple sources of info, and convergence of details helps me make progress filling in the blanks. Redundancy is good here.
My long winded way of saying thank you for helping future family members to track down loved ones through a more permanent medium.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 9, 2015 11:24:58 GMT -5
My Mom and Dad paid for a stone to be set on the grave of my Mom's sister who died as a toddler. The family always knew where it was in the plot, but my grandparents weren't able to afford a stone for her. So Mom and Dad had a small simple marker placed there. It meant the world to my Grandmother.
Here's the thing. Mom never knew this sister. She was born about 7 years after the sister died. However, My mother's two older sisters remember her quite well and didn't see her grave as worth marking. Both of my Aunts are much more financially comfortable than my parents. It was an even bigger financial gap at the time my parents paid for the stone.
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Jun 9, 2015 17:11:23 GMT -5
My hat is off to you Archie. I would do the same.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 9, 2015 17:43:10 GMT -5
Well, shit. I'm going to call tomorrow and have the date of my death put on my headstone. Save my son a few bucks in case I don't have anything left in the till. Heck, I thought I was saving money by have burial site and headstone already in place. Never crossed my mind that this might create a problem down the road. minnesotapaintlady I love graveyards and grew up next to one. I wish I had saved all the headstone "rubbings" I did as a kid with a # pencil and paper. Headstones were so pretty back then.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2015 17:57:42 GMT -5
Well, shit. I'm going to call tomorrow and have the date of my death put on my headstone. Save my son a few bucks in case I don't have anything left in the till. Heck, I thought I was saving money by have burial site and headstone already in place. Never crossed my mind that this might create a problem down the road. minnesotapaintlady I love graveyards and grew up next to one. I wish I had saved all the headstone "rubbings" I did as a kid with a # pencil and paper. Headstones were so pretty back then. You might make sure it is paid for at least. Remember that I am a grandchild. Like I said, it was a very dysfunctional family. My grandmother wasn't the warm and cuddly grandmother of today.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2015 18:44:10 GMT -5
Well, shit. I'm going to call tomorrow and have the date of my death put on my headstone. Save my son a few bucks in case I don't have anything left in the till. Heck, I thought I was saving money by have burial site and headstone already in place. Never crossed my mind that this might create a problem down the road. minnesotapaintlady I love graveyards and grew up next to one. I wish I had saved all the headstone "rubbings" I did as a kid with a # pencil and paper. Headstones were so pretty back then. What date are you going to pick? LOL There is an old graveyard by our house, there's not even really a road going to it, just a field road/logging trail that runs by it in the woods. There's 125 people buried there and it's probably been 100 years since the last one. There are some volunteers that mow and keep it up a little and every year on Memorial Day the VFW comes out and gives a 21 gun salute (out on the main road about a quarter mile from the actual cemetery). Someone started a board there with info on all the people which is great because most of the stones are now impossible to read. I like using it as an example to my kids of why the anti-vaxers are crazy. There are entire families wiped out by diseases. Kid after kid from the same family Even most of the adults died very young by today's standards.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jun 9, 2015 18:57:23 GMT -5
My aunt passed away over 10 years ago. Her ashes were buried in the same plot as her parents' graves. Her name has never been added to the headstone, because my mother has never gotten around to make arrangements to do it.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jun 9, 2015 21:09:48 GMT -5
My ashes will be buried, along with those of my cats, with my parents. I have a simple headstone that needs to be moved from one cemetery to another. My stone is very simple: name, date of birth and, eventually, date of death.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 9, 2015 22:14:40 GMT -5
Well, shit. I'm going to call tomorrow and have the date of my death put on my headstone. Save my son a few bucks in case I don't have anything left in the till. Heck, I thought I was saving money by have burial site and headstone already in place. Never crossed my mind that this might create a problem down the road. minnesotapaintlady I love graveyards and grew up next to one. I wish I had saved all the headstone "rubbings" I did as a kid with a # pencil and paper. Headstones were so pretty back then. What date are you going to pick? LOL There is an old graveyard by our house, there's not even really a road going to it, just a field road/logging trail that runs by it in the woods. There's 125 people buried there and it's probably been 100 years since the last one. There are some volunteers that mow and keep it up a little and every year on Memorial Day the VFW comes out and gives a 21 gun salute (out on the main road about a quarter mile from the actual cemetery). Someone started a board there with info on all the people which is great because most of the stones are now impossible to read. I like using it as an example to my kids of why the anti-vaxers are crazy. There are entire families wiped out by diseases. Kid after kid from the same family Even most of the adults died very young by today's standards. Friday 13th. I always try to find old cemateries when I travel. I found an old cematry once so old the headstones were made of wood. Some were pretty well preserved much to my surprise.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 10, 2015 3:08:30 GMT -5
My aunt passed away over 10 years ago. Her ashes were buried in the same plot as her parents' graves. Her name has never been added to the headstone, because my mother has never gotten around to make arrangements to do it. My brother was cremated. I will be too. Before my father died, it was decided that my brother's ashes, along with mine, will be buried in the same plot as my parents. I have my brother's ashes, until my death. Our ashes will be buried at the same time. A headstone never occurred to me! Yikes!
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 10, 2015 3:10:25 GMT -5
What date are you going to pick? LOL There is an old graveyard by our house, there's not even really a road going to it, just a field road/logging trail that runs by it in the woods. There's 125 people buried there and it's probably been 100 years since the last one. There are some volunteers that mow and keep it up a little and every year on Memorial Day the VFW comes out and gives a 21 gun salute (out on the main road about a quarter mile from the actual cemetery). Someone started a board there with info on all the people which is great because most of the stones are now impossible to read. I like using it as an example to my kids of why the anti-vaxers are crazy. There are entire families wiped out by diseases. Kid after kid from the same family Even most of the adults died very young by today's standards. Friday 13th. I always try to find old cemateries when I travel. I found an old cematry once so old the headstones were made of wood. Some were pretty well preserved much to my surprise. I got married on Friday the 13th.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jun 10, 2015 3:15:27 GMT -5
Well, shit. I'm going to call tomorrow and have the date of my death put on my headstone. Save my son a few bucks in case I don't have anything left in the till. Heck, I thought I was saving money by have burial site and headstone already in place. Never crossed my mind that this might create a problem down the road. minnesotapaintlady I love graveyards and grew up next to one. I wish I had saved all the headstone "rubbings" I did as a kid with a # pencil and paper. Headstones were so pretty back then. You might make sure it is paid for at least. Remember that I am a grandchild. Like I said, it was a very dysfunctional family. My grandmother wasn't the warm and cuddly grandmother of today. My grandmother (mom's stepmother) wasn't the warm cuddly type either. I didn't attend her funeral. Like you, my funds are tight. If I did something like this, it would 1000% be for my sister, not my grandmother. Kudos to you!
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 10, 2015 9:08:15 GMT -5
What date are you going to pick? LOL There is an old graveyard by our house, there's not even really a road going to it, just a field road/logging trail that runs by it in the woods. There's 125 people buried there and it's probably been 100 years since the last one. There are some volunteers that mow and keep it up a little and every year on Memorial Day the VFW comes out and gives a 21 gun salute (out on the main road about a quarter mile from the actual cemetery). Someone started a board there with info on all the people which is great because most of the stones are now impossible to read. I like using it as an example to my kids of why the anti-vaxers are crazy. There are entire families wiped out by diseases. Kid after kid from the same family Even most of the adults died very young by today's standards. Friday 13th. I always try to find old cemateries when I travel. I found an old cematry once so old the headstones were made of wood. Some were pretty well preserved much to my surprise. This is the case in the cemetery where my Dad's family is buried. The cemetery is full of Scottish immigrants from the Mid 1700s and their families, down to today. The 'new' church building stands in the cemetery ('new' being built in 1785, replacing the one built in 1758). I know there is a 'process' to get approved for a plot there, but my direct ancestors are from the original Scottish immigrants who started the church, and the bloodline hasn't been broken, so I automatically qualify. Anyway, there were many wooden markers, especially for children who died at a young age. They did not hold up well in the Carolina weather, and sometime in the 1970's the church caretaker lost his marbles and pulled them up without recording anything about what he was doing. He didn't have permission to do that and that's when they figured out he was getting senile. So now there are 50-70 graves without headstones. Only one in our family was affected, we know where it is and that it is an infant, but we don't know the child's name. I put flowers on the space where the child is buried.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 10, 2015 9:16:16 GMT -5
Friday 13th. I always try to find old cemateries when I travel. I found an old cematry once so old the headstones were made of wood. Some were pretty well preserved much to my surprise. This is the case in the cemetery where my Dad's family is buried. The cemetery is full of Scottish immigrants from the Mid 1700s and their families, down to today. The 'new' church building stands in the cemetery ('new' being built in 1785, replacing the one built in 1758). I know there is a 'process' to get approved for a plot there, but my direct ancestors are from the original Scottish immigrants who started the church, and the bloodline hasn't been broken, so I automatically qualify. Anyway, there were many wooden markers, especially for children who died at a young age. They did not hold up well in the Carolina weather, and sometime in the 1970's the church caretaker lost his marbles and pulled them up without recording anything about what he was doing. He didn't have permission to do that and that's when they figured out he was getting senile. So now there are 50-70 graves without headstones. Only one in our family was affected, we know where it is and that it is an infant, but we don't know the child's name. I put flowers on the space where the child is buried. That's just sad. I am on the gulf coast so I was surprised that some of the headstones were really readable but the graveyard was small and so over grown you wouldn't have known it was even there except that I literally stumbled upon it looking at some property adjoining it.
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