how do you handle "toxic" people?

[Deleted]

This sort of goes with my family dynamics thread.

How do you handle "toxic" people? What do you do when you have a "drama queen" aunt? What about your "emotional vampire" sibling?

I tend to avoid spending time with them the best I can. When I do have to see them, I give myself a pep talk beforehand. I think psychology calls that "setting boundaries".

[TheHaitian]

We moved away

Now we only hear about the family drama through Facebook, when I call my mom or after my MIL visit we family in NY or after talking to her sisters. And I don't have to talk to my family in Haiti unless I have too.

It is much easier to deal with it from far far away!

[movingforward]

I live 1300 miles away.  That tends to alleviate the problem. 

There are still toxic people everywhere though.  It is bad when you work with them.  They tend to affect the entire staff.  Neutralizing a toxic employee is hard to do.  Eventually, you just have to get rid of them. 

[Cookies Galore]

It all goes in one ear and out the other!

[whoami]

I dont deal with them at all. I cut MIL out of my life completely 5-6 years before she died. I didnt go with DH and I didnt answer the phone. DH knew exactly what the problem was and for the most part didnt give me any grief over it. I dont talk or visit my SIL either for the same reasons I didnt talk ti MIL. Cut from the same cloth.

My ex was a PITA, but I kept everything between us completely formal and in writing. That minimized most of the BS.

Dad's family is mostly crazy but Ive never had a relationship with them anyway outside FB so that makes things easy.

Im lucky that my parents and immediate family are all normal functional people.

[Bonny]

600 mi from MIL. We told her 4x visits per year. DH calls her every Sunday.

Much easier to avoid my brother who lives 500mi away. Although I'd like to see his children more often especially my niece.

My Dad isn't necessarily toxic but like all of us he definitely has his issues. I limit visiting him to one or two over nights (he's also in San Diego) with no set schedule but probably 3x to 4x per year. He does live with his long-time girlfriend so I don't worry about him as much as we do MIL. Even though MIL's issues are about 90% self inflicted.

[Deleted]

May 26, 2015 9:39:18 GMT -5 whoami said:

I dont deal with them at all. I cut MIL out of my life completely 5-6 years before she died. I didnt go with DH and I didnt answer the phone. DH knew exactly what the problem was and for the most part didnt give me any grief over it. I dont talk or visit my SIL either for the same reasons I didnt talk ti MIL. Cut from the same cloth.

My ex was a PITA, but I kept everything between us completely formal and in writing. That minimized most of the BS.

Dad's family is mostly crazy but Ive never had a relationship with them anyway outside FB so that makes things easy.

Im lucky that my parents and immediate family are all normal functional people.

Do you feel guilty for cutting people out of your life?

My family makes me feel guilty for not visiting toxic aunt or spending time with emotional vampires.

[milee]

May 26, 2015 9:49:34 GMT -5 @turkeylurkey said:

May 26, 2015 9:39:18 GMT -5 whoami said:

Do you feel guilty for cutting people out of your life?

No.  I don't feel guilty about cutting toxic people out of my life.

It was hard to do at first - especially since they were very close family.  But now that it's been several years, I know it was a better - and maybe only - choice.  Interesting, though, that the unpleasantness now comes mostly in interactions with well-meaning people who don't understand the history or situation and urge me to "reconnect before it's too late" and gently chastise that "you only have one ______". 

I do pretty well with cutting the toxic relatives out since they are in a group and cutting that group out has made my life much, much happier.  It's sometimes harder for me to set up those boundaries with friends, weirdly enough, since I tend to second guess myself and wonder if I'm overreacting to the situation.

Dealing with toxic employees at work is not an issue any more since I own my company. 

[NancysSummerSip]

I don't feel guilty about cutting off toxic people. Life is too short to have it poisoned.

I've cut off toxic friends and relatives. Not that hard; just stop communicating with them and they eventually give up and go away.

Toxic employees and volunteers are harder, though, since you may not be the decision-maker on whether they stay or go. And if you work or volunteer at something you really love, it seems unfair to have to decide between doing what you like and dealing with that crap. I have a "switch" in my head that I flip when I want to tune someone out. I just nod at them and let them think I hear them.

[happyhoix]

Depends on what function they have in my life. My mom was toxic, but if I tried to cut off contact with her, I also lost contact with my dad, and I didn't want to do that, especially when he started to get sick. I also feel a moral obligation to help take care of my mom, now that she's got dementia, because she's my mom, regardless of the crazy.

With my narcissist drama queen sister, she was fairly easy to cut out, once my Mom no longer had the mental capacity to try to force me to stay on good relations with her. Just let her have one of her blow ups, and instead of waiting until she calmed down and smoothing things over, like I have for the last 30 years, I told her she wasn't the center of the universe and she needed to get over herself. Since she can't tolerate any criticism, she went into permanent sulk mode and refuses to talk to me, which is great.

Toxic employers are hard, I had one of those once but was fortunate that management figured out what he was and got rid of him pretty quickly. Other than those three, I've been very fortunate in not having any people who are so crazy I can't get along with them. Very blessed with great in-laws and now a really fabulous DIL.

[Tiny]

I guess it depends on the kind of Toxic AND if I need to the toxic person to actually participate in my life (am I just seeing this person for a social event OR am I living with this person OR do I need this person to do something for me that's life effecting).  

i've come up with some coping skills for the problem people in my life - but I live alone so I don't have to deal with any of them 24/7.   I also don't have to depend on them for much of anything.  

I can handle Drama Queens (male and female). I'm good at avoiding 'helping' or 'participating' in their drama and they can be easy to manipulate.   I wouldn't want to LIVE with a Drama Queen -cause one of us wouldn't be alive very long. 

The most common Emotional Vampire in my world seems to be the "Poor Me" or "Victim" kind... everyone/everything is out to get them.    The second most common Vampire in my life is just outright Negative people.  They never say anything that's vaguely positive.  Everything has atleast a subtle 'negative' about it.   "oh, that steak dinner was good - but I've had better!".  Or if they pay someone/something a compliment they have to add something negative at the end: "Oh, that dress looks great on you - I'm too fat to wear something like that!"   Sometimes they just skipt the compliment and say the negative 'I can't wear that!" or if you've gotton something new they will respond with something like "I can't afford that!" or "Must be Nice." <- in a disapproving voice.    

I try to limit my time with these people.  I have no idea of how to have a conversation with them... I dont' really want to sit around and rehash all the unpleasantness in my life (like how I'm not a bazillionaire, and how I don't tan evenly, or how I'm not going to Aruba on vacation, or any of 1000 other negative things that cause me life dissatisifaction if I think about them alot).  And I feel funny saying something that I did that I found positive - like maybe used the grill to do some steaks and tried something new - grilled peaches!  cause it will be met with the response of "must be nice" or "atlleast you can cook" or "I can't eat peaches I'm allergic" <-- probably said because the idea of grilling fruit sounds gross to them.   

To Be Honest,   It might just be me... I spend alot of time alone or do stuff by myself or just spend time 'inside my head'  that maybe I 'forget' how to deal with other people.

[thyme4change]

I usually handle them pretty badly.  I had a falling out with a friend, shortly after that, his wife left him.  Normally, I would think our problems were caused by the stress in his life, but in reality, the issues I had with him and the reason his wife left were caused by the same toxic personality.   I asked my husband if he thought suicide was an option and he said "It wouldn't surprise me."  Ugh.  

[emma1420]

For the most part I cut toxic people out or at the very least limit my exposure to them.  I live a couple of miles from my mother and I see her once or twice a year.  I am hoping to relocate because I think putting serious miles between us would be helpful for both of us.

i came to the conclusion a few years ago that I have one life, and it's short, too short to twist myself in knots trying to make someone else happy.  It was the best decision I ever made.  The first year I lost 50lbs.  I didn't realise until after I made the decision to limit my mothers role in life how frequently I was eating my frustration.

[Abby Normal]

May 26, 2015 9:49:34 GMT -5 @turkeylurkey said:

May 26, 2015 9:39:18 GMT -5 whoami said:

I dont deal with them at all. I cut MIL out of my life completely 5-6 years before she died. I didnt go with DH and I didnt answer the phone. DH knew exactly what the problem was and for the most part didnt give me any grief over it. I dont talk or visit my SIL either for the same reasons I didnt talk ti MIL. Cut from the same cloth.

My ex was a PITA, but I kept everything between us completely formal and in writing. That minimized most of the BS.

Dad's family is mostly crazy but Ive never had a relationship with them anyway outside FB so that makes things easy.

Im lucky that my parents and immediate family are all normal functional people.

Do you feel guilty for cutting people out of your life?

My family makes me feel guilty for not visiting toxic aunt or spending time with emotional vampires.

No one can make you feel guilty but you.  Others may try to manipulate you- but it's your reaction to it that causes the guilt.

It took me a long time to figure that out.  I'm better for it now.  I still get sucked into the drama, but on a different level. 

For instance- SIL wanted us all to take her mom for a weekend trip for her birthday. She was going to plan. This was 5 months before her birthday.  DH & I kept the weekend of her birthday open, though we hadn't heard anything about plans.  2 weeks before SIL says they can't go because her daughter has an event, and what other weekends (before June because the prices go up)  can we go. Um- none- it's spring and we are crazy busy.  SIL can't go the one weekend we can (memorial day).

She went throught the whole gambit of manipulation trying to get us to change our plans so we could all go. Telling us DS could miss his event, even though she was unwilling for her DD to miss one. How horrible we were to not make MIL a priority, etc.

We just said sorry- you should have communicated.  I do feel a bit bad for MIL because I know she was looking forward to it- but there isn't much I could do.

It's not about what goes on- it's how you react to it.    

[Deleted]

May 26, 2015 11:08:33 GMT -5 Tiny said:

I guess it depends on the kind of Toxic AND if I need to the toxic person to actually participate in my life (am I just seeing this person for a social event OR am I living with this person OR do I need this person to do something for me that's life effecting).  

i've come up with some coping skills for the problem people in my life - but I live alone so I don't have to deal with any of them 24/7.   I also don't have to depend on them for much of anything.  

I can handle Drama Queens (male and female). I'm good at avoiding 'helping' or 'participating' in their drama and they can be easy to manipulate.   I wouldn't want to LIVE with a Drama Queen -cause one of us wouldn't be alive very long. 

The most common Emotional Vampire in my world seems to be the "Poor Me" or "Victim" kind... everyone/everything is out to get them.    The second most common Vampire in my life is just outright Negative people.  They never say anything that's vaguely positive.  Everything has atleast a subtle 'negative' about it.   "oh, that steak dinner was good - but I've had better!".  Or if they pay someone/something a compliment they have to add something negative at the end: "Oh, that dress looks great on you - I'm too fat to wear something like that!"   Sometimes they just skipt the compliment and say the negative 'I can't wear that!" or if you've gotton something new they will respond with something like "I can't afford that!" or "Must be Nice." <- in a disapproving voice.    

I try to limit my time with these people.  I have no idea of how to have a conversation with them... I dont' really want to sit around and rehash all the unpleasantness in my life (like how I'm not a bazillionaire, and how I don't tan evenly, or how I'm not going to Aruba on vacation, or any of 1000 other negative things that cause me life dissatisifaction if I think about them alot).  And I feel funny saying something that I did that I found positive - like maybe used the grill to do some steaks and tried something new - grilled peaches!  cause it will be met with the response of "must be nice" or "atlleast you can cook" or "I can't eat peaches I'm allergic" <-- probably said because the idea of grilling fruit sounds gross to them.   

To Be Honest,   It might just be me... I spend alot of time alone or do stuff by myself or just spend time 'inside my head'  that maybe I 'forget' how to deal with other people.

Like last week when I brought leftover asparagus for lunch. My coworker told me she loves asparagus, but it is just SSSOOOOO EXPENSIVE, she cannot afford it.

Really It was on sale!!! Now I am looking for asparagus on sale so I can tell her.

[cael]

I used to make every effort with toxic people to still be nice... now I just try to be as courteous as I can about breaking it off. Ain't nobody got time fo dat sh*t and I'm too old to put up with the crap anymore. That's how I dealt with former toxic-as-hell coworker - I gave her the level of professional courtesy/attention I'd give anyone, and completely ignored her otherwise. Since I did that, she didn't latch onto me like she did to another coworker of mine, who had to put up with her crap and listen to her and do things for her.

My MIL is toxic enough to my husband that he doesn't like talking to her and minimizes his time around her - I've stopped telling him he should call her more because frankly, she doesn't deserve it and he shouldn't have to put up with it if he doesn't want to. I've gotten cold as ice in my old age... I just don't care. You have to do what's best and healthiest for *you* and if that means cutting people off, so be it.

[milee]

May 26, 2015 11:14:10 GMT -5 @turkeylurkey said:

May 26, 2015 11:08:33 GMT -5 Tiny said:

Like last week when I brought leftover asparagus for lunch. My coworker told me she loves asparagus, but it is just SSSOOOOO EXPENSIVE, she cannot afford it.

Really It was on sale!!! Now I am looking for asparagus on sale so I can tell her.

Hm, guess I find people like that a little annoying sometimes but no big deal.  Smile, nod and keep doing what you're doing. 

[whoami]

May 26, 2015 9:49:34 GMT -5 @turkeylurkey said:

May 26, 2015 9:39:18 GMT -5 whoami said:

I dont deal with them at all. I cut MIL out of my life completely 5-6 years before she died. I didnt go with DH and I didnt answer the phone. DH knew exactly what the problem was and for the most part didnt give me any grief over it. I dont talk or visit my SIL either for the same reasons I didnt talk ti MIL. Cut from the same cloth.

My ex was a PITA, but I kept everything between us completely formal and in writing. That minimized most of the BS.

Dad's family is mostly crazy but Ive never had a relationship with them anyway outside FB so that makes things easy.

Im lucky that my parents and immediate family are all normal functional people.

Do you feel guilty for cutting people out of your life?

My family makes me feel guilty for not visiting toxic aunt or spending time with emotional vampires.

Nope. Why would I feel guilty anyway?

If I actually gave a shit about any of them it might be different but I don't

DH gave me a little trouble here and there but for the most part left me alone on the issue. He knew it was a burned bridge. 

[Tiny]

May 26, 2015 11:14:10 GMT -5 @turkeylurkey said:

May 26, 2015 11:08:33 GMT -5 Tiny said:

 

Like last week when I brought leftover asparagus for lunch. My coworker told me she loves asparagus, but it is just SSSOOOOO EXPENSIVE, she cannot afford it.

Really It was on sale!!! Now I am looking for asparagus on sale so I can tell her.

If she's like the people in my life - she doesn't really want to know where to get asparagus on sale.     I think there's some expected 'scripted' response you were suppose to say after she said she couldn't afford it... but I have no idea what it is.

I wonder if it's because I don't have Cable so I haven't been exposed to whatever "script" is being used for these kinds of personal interactions on TV.... cause those things slip into real life.  :

Mostly when I get that kind of response.  it's a conversation killer.  I just kind of look and them and  practice my "OMG! YOU HAVE TWO HEADS! and one of them is REALLLY ugly... " look.   (have to do the 'really ugly" part because, well, two heads always makes me think of Zaphod Beeblebrox and that's just funny... )

[movingforward]

May 26, 2015 10:06:47 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

I don't feel guilty about cutting off toxic people. Life is too short to have it poisoned.

I've cut off toxic friends and relatives. Not that hard; just stop communicating with them and they eventually give up and go away.

Toxic employees and volunteers are harder, though, since you may not be the decision-maker on whether they stay or go. And if you work or volunteer at something you really love, it seems unfair to have to decide between doing what you like and dealing with that crap. I have a "switch" in my head that I flip when I want to tune someone out. I just nod at them and let them think I hear them.

I used to work with a person and every time she talked in a staff meeting I would start day dreaming about being in Hawaii or planning my next trip, etc.  She is gone now, thank goodness! 

[moneymaven]

May 26, 2015 9:32:47 GMT -5 movingforward said:

There are still toxic people everywhere though.  It is bad when you work with them.  They tend to affect the entire staff.  Neutralizing a toxic employee is hard to do.  Eventually, you just have to get rid of them. 

This is incredibly true. I finally got rid of the last toxic person on my staff and it has made a world of difference. Since they've been gone, there is at least one daily remark that it feels so much lighter and easier without them.

[zibazinski]

I fired the one that worked for DH. Not only did it save the company a lot of miney, morale has improved.

[Deleted]

Gloves & Flamethrower 

[Ombud]

There's someone I consider semi-toxic on the board always baiting (not Virgil). Can I block seeing his posts?

[mollyanna58]

May 26, 2015 22:18:24 GMT -5 Ombud said:

There's someone I consider semi-toxic on the board always baiting (not Virgil). Can I block seeing his posts?

Go to "Members", find their name, click on the gear icon in the upper right corner, and you'll find the choice to block them.

However, if someone else quotes that person, you'll still see their quoted post.

[resolution]

I just have the one relative that I have difficulty tolerating. She crossed the line too many times, so now when she says or does something unacceptable I address her behavior and explain that she needs to stop. I don't think she knows how to handle it when I level with her, other than to retreat. She mostly avoids me now, which limits my exposure and if they need something she will have her husband text my husband.

I kind of wish that I could learn to tolerate her, but after she wished my husband dead and me jobless and destitute, I have never been able to forget and move past it.

[Ombud]

mollyanna58, THANK YOU. Never knew I could do this as I post on the app but I did it!! 

[andi9899]

May 26, 2015 22:29:04 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

May 26, 2015 22:18:24 GMT -5 Ombud said:

There's someone I consider semi-toxic on the board always baiting (not Virgil). Can I block seeing his posts?

Go to "Members", find their name, click on the gear icon in the upper right corner, and you'll find the choice to block them.

However, if someone else quotes that person, you'll still see their quoted post.

If someone is blocked but starts a thread, will the entire thread be invisible to the blocker?

[mollyanna58]

May 26, 2015 23:24:25 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

May 26, 2015 22:29:04 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Go to "Members", find their name, click on the gear icon in the upper right corner, and you'll find the choice to block them.

However, if someone else quotes that person, you'll still see their quoted post.

If someone is blocked but starts a thread, will the entire thread be invisible to the blocker?

No, but you won't be able to read the opening post nor any others that person writes.

[Spellbound454]

The normal light hearted social niceties.........but don't get into in-depth conversations.... and don't agree to anything.

Leave at a reasonable hour....for the um "babysitter".........Say "I'll call you"....(or other farewell gesture which you don't intend to do)

Then as soon as you are round the corner......RUN FOR THE HILLS...