TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Apr 18, 2015 14:21:32 GMT -5
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Robert not Bobby
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Post by Robert not Bobby on Apr 18, 2015 14:35:10 GMT -5
Sad and tragic.
I am so conflicted about abortion in the best of circumstances..obviously, I believe a woman has the right to determine what her body will or will not do.
But,,,
(scratching my head)
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Apr 18, 2015 14:39:57 GMT -5
Let me explain right now, this is a very volatile topic and the minute it gets a little out of control it will be deleted/locked or moved....or all of the above.
So, ya'll behave yourselves.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Apr 18, 2015 14:45:09 GMT -5
I'm of the advanced maternal age for child-bearing age now and if/when I was pregnant again, I would get the test to see if it was positive for Downs along with others issues. Depending on what it revealed, DH would have some serious decisions to make.
FWIW, I was 32 with DD and no special-type tests beforehand with her. I'm 35 now (and not pregnant now but could see having another one in the next few years), and I would definitely get the various tests now.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Apr 18, 2015 14:46:53 GMT -5
Our own @patstab has expressed similar thoughts. She is real and honest and has taken amazing care of her daughter for 47 years.
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Robert not Bobby
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Post by Robert not Bobby on Apr 18, 2015 14:47:54 GMT -5
Let me explain right now, this is a very volatile topic and the minute it gets a little out of control it will be deleted/locked or moved....or all of the above.
So, ya'll behave yourselves. LOL You remind me of my grade 7 teacher...puberty and all that stuff. She said, don't concentrate on your body, focus on the book. It was a Catholic school and she was a no nonsense Nun.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Apr 18, 2015 14:56:29 GMT -5
When I was pregnant with Thing 1, the doctor said she might have Downs and the only way to know for sure prior to birth was an amnio. She explained the risks and that losing the baby was one of them. I told her I would just be surprised then. I would take care of her either way and I wasn't willing to risk losing her just to find out faster.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Apr 18, 2015 14:56:30 GMT -5
Fine, you may call me Sister Kitty.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Apr 18, 2015 14:57:53 GMT -5
We got the tests while Loop was pregnant and would have aborted if certain ones came back positive. If that makes me a bad person so be it. DW and I don't have to talk in hypotheticals about that.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 18, 2015 15:00:53 GMT -5
I was advanced maternal age with my third kid. At our fertility clinic, you abort, you don't get treated again. Period.
That was a really hard one for me to swallow. I always thought we would abort over having a special needs kid.
But, when we talked about conceiving #3, we left the window open for #4, which meant we had to revisit that topic of what we do if we get a special needs kid.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Apr 18, 2015 15:01:40 GMT -5
We got the tests while Loop was pregnant and would have aborted if certain ones came back positive. If that makes me a bad person so be it. DW and I don't have to talk in hypotheticals about that. I can't imagine how difficult that time must have been for you and your wife, Archie. I'm sorry you had to go through with it, but am glad you had the opportunity/availability of that option for your circumstances.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Apr 18, 2015 15:01:47 GMT -5
DW and I don't have to talk in hypotheticals about that. Damn, that must have been brutal. Sorry dude. It wasn't easy. Sucked that we found out on Christmas Eve and tried to decide what to do over the holidays.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Apr 18, 2015 15:06:17 GMT -5
I was advanced maternal age with my third kid. At our fertility clinic, you abort, you don't get treated again. Period. Really :eek: We were pretty honest with our RE and he was forthcoming to; he said he doesn't do them but he knows of two people that does and he would be more than happy to recommend them to us if we ever have to make that decision. Hope we don't have to make that decision but we already talked about what our decision will be if we do have too.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Apr 18, 2015 15:30:50 GMT -5
I can't criticise anyone who has faced this decision......and decided to either keep the child or have a termination It must be a horrible thing to go through.
Everyone is different and what is right for one family may not be right for another.
Who am I to judge?
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Apr 18, 2015 15:36:45 GMT -5
One of my coworkers and his wife were pregnant with a baby with Down's syndrome, they chose to have the baby, but sadly the baby died in utero at 8 months. However, I know it was a difficult decision to continue with the pregnancy, and my coworker spent many years working with adults with Downs and so had some idea of what they were taking on.
if I was I that position I would probably terminate. One of my cousins functions at a 1st/2nd grade level and she is incredibly hard work. She lives in a group home and is very happy (she's 31), but I know her dad and step-mom still struggle with her during their weekly visits, and I am exhausted after taking her out for our monthly lunches. I simply can't imagine raising a child and parenting an adult child who requires that level of energy and attention all the time. And for me, a parent who says they would have terminated doesn't mean they don't love their child, they would have just chosen something different for their lives and their child's.
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quince
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Post by quince on Apr 18, 2015 16:36:48 GMT -5
I would probably terminate. My husband is anti-abortion (in a less-crazy way) so that may be the end of our relationship, BUT he would want me to carry to term then put up for adoption, which fills me with WTF. (I'm sure I fill him with WTF also, so we're even.)
Yeah... kinda tough.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 18, 2015 16:42:05 GMT -5
Perhaps instead of focusing on one volatile example, we can focus on the thinking behind it: situations/choices that seem unthinkable in polite company or hypothetical "someone else" type discussions, but completely rational when you, yourself are faced with it.
A friend was asked during an interview: how do you deal with a problem employee (who you, yourself, presumably can't fire). He gave the "nice" answer about how you work with them and set goals together. But when the interviewer asked: "and when that doesn't work?" my friend gave the answer we don't usually admit. "Get them to leave on their own. Start taking away privileges, give them grunt/tedious/meaningless work. Marginalize them."
What about the emphatic "I'd never [fill in an action] if I had kids!" Only to find whatever you said you'd never do, suddenly be the best answer. A bribe, a smack, letting them get away with some unruly behavior just this once...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 18, 2015 17:17:43 GMT -5
I taught some of those kids. Along with autistic, deaf, aspergers, and a bunch of other issues. It could go well or it could suck. I had them for half hour periods 5 x a week. It was exhausting and I knew it'd be over soon. Hats off to the teachers who dealt with it for 5 hours a day and parents who deal nights and weekends-forever. Only death releases the parents. There were a few times dealing with DH for the last 3 months, that I felt the same way. That only death would release me, that's how I could escape He's getting better but I can't even imagine it being never ending.
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Robert not Bobby
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Post by Robert not Bobby on Apr 18, 2015 17:22:49 GMT -5
I can't criticise anyone who has faced this decision......and decided to either keep the child or have a termination It must be a horrible thing to go through.
Everyone is different and what is right for one family may not be right for another.
Who am I to judge? Well said...and I couldn't agree with you more. Here is my story. I was completing my doctorate at Oxford, Nuffield College ("Rights and the English Liberal tradition") and Jackie got pregnant. We were both young and had very little money, So....................but it still bothers me. I could have had a third son or a daughter. o I said I didn't want to know
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 18, 2015 17:45:17 GMT -5
That is sad. I'm sorry.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 18, 2015 18:32:28 GMT -5
I was advanced maternal age with my third kid. At our fertility clinic, you abort, you don't get treated again. Period. Really :eek: We were pretty honest with our RE and he was forthcoming to; he said he doesn't do them but he knows of two people that does and he would be more than happy to recommend them to us if we ever have to make that decision. Hope we don't have to make that decision but we already talked about what our decision will be if we do have too. That's how our clinic rolled. Our clinic has really good results, gave me good odds, and I wanted another kid. We didn't really have other options if we wanted our peanut.
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JustLurkin
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Post by JustLurkin on Apr 18, 2015 18:51:14 GMT -5
When I was pregnant with Thing 1, the doctor said she might have Downs and the only way to know for sure prior to birth was an amnio. She explained the risks and that losing the baby was one of them. I told her I would just be surprised then. I would take care of her either way and I wasn't willing to risk losing her just to find out faster.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Apr 18, 2015 19:10:03 GMT -5
No, not too honest. People should be allowed to speak. The extent of her son's disabilities and his living situation makes it unlikely that her candor will harm him, which means that she can speak when others must weigh the costs of their honesty more closely. I'm glad that she spoke.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Apr 18, 2015 19:13:15 GMT -5
I would have terminated, but luckily never had to face that situation. My cousin has downs and in a very honest moment his parents said they would recommend to others to have an abortion. Who knows what decision they would have made at the time had they known. But since they have lived it for the past 30+ years, I think their advice is worth something.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Apr 18, 2015 19:28:58 GMT -5
Bless anyone in the circumstances requiring this decision. It's a terrible set of alternatives, period. To anyone who has experienced this, my heart is with you!
I am grateful for both of my boys and their health.
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on Apr 18, 2015 19:48:59 GMT -5
It was definitely something DH and I discussed with our second child. I was facing "advanced maternal age" and we knew that we didn't have the emotional or financial resources to raise a disabled child.
I have always been grateful that I didn't have to choose.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Apr 18, 2015 19:55:59 GMT -5
A co-worker of many years ago faced this same situation and they as a couple chose to abort. They found out on a Thursday and spent the weekend grieving over this child they would always love and never know. Then she had the surgery on Monday.
The company was very good about this and gave him the week off for the death of a close family member.
Within a year she was pregnant again and they had a very healthy little boy.
Someone told me years ago that one of the ways to help get through this is to actually name the little one. A name to place in the hole in your heart.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Apr 18, 2015 20:37:20 GMT -5
Actually, I'm glad there is no test for autism while you're pregnant. While DS IS a handful at times, there are plenty of "normal" kids who are a handful of trouble, that I wouldn't have wanted to raise for all of the money in the world. (Trouble with the law, etc.) DS might keep me on my toes, but I think I could've ended up with much bigger headaches in a different situation.
A relative of DH's got the report that she was carrying a Down's baby. She & her husband kept the information a secret, & decided to carry the baby to term. And, guess what? The test results were wrong. This child has given them less trouble than their other child (ADHD).
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weltschmerz
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Post by weltschmerz on Apr 19, 2015 1:41:44 GMT -5
If the foetus was diagnosed with Down's I would terminate. My parents' best friends had such a child, and I grew up with him. The family went through absolute hell. I know what I'm capable of dealing with, and I know I wouldn't be able to deal with it well.
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bobosensei
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Post by bobosensei on Apr 19, 2015 2:36:37 GMT -5
DH's family is super catholic. I remember when his older brother's wife was pregnant with her second she was over 35 and had to go to a high risk doctor just because of her age. They did some tests, but not all because they said they wouldn't abort no matter what. Everything turned out fine.
I would have an abortion in that situation no matter what DH said even if it led to divorce.
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